by Kacey Shea
“Now?” Julia’s eyebrows lift. She’s supportive of my recovery steps, and is likely asking because I rarely catch meetings this late, or unplanned—not anymore.
“Yeah.” More guilt makes its way into my mind. “Sorry, I know we haven’t seen each other much this week.” A meeting will do me good, but I also crave space—distance from Julia because I can’t share with her what’s running through my head.
“Go.” She places her hand in the center of my chest, drawing my attention to her, the present, my life now. “I’ll head home. I’m exhausted, but you have a key. Come by and wake me if you want.”
She’s too good to me. She really is. I never thought I could feel affection, love, and protection—the healthy kind—over another person again. Not after Tiff, and not after Alicia left. But time does heal all wounds, especially when you put in the hard work. Julia came into my life like a rainbow after the storm. Calm. Bright. Good. She’s self-assured in a way I admire, if not covet, and for some crazy reason she decided to love me.
I brush my lips against hers, needing to convey how much I appreciate her, and remind myself she’s the one I should be kissing. “Thank you.”
She wraps her arms around me, nuzzling her head into my chest and inhaling a long breath before letting me go. “Love you.” She grabs her bag and phone from the counter and heads for the door.
I should say it back. I usually do. But the words feel shallow after everything that happened today. Guilt settles in my chest because Julia isn’t the only woman on my mind right now. I pick up my keys and wallet, following a few steps behind her.
“Drive safe.” I wave goodbye as she gets in her car. “Text me when you get home.”
“I will.” She smiles and waves, shutting her door as I turn away to climb into my truck.
The tension in my shoulders eases as I drive toward my meeting. The promise of a safe space where I can sit amongst others who will understand instantly releases some of my self-loathing. These people will empathize because they know what it’s like to live with addiction. They know what it’s like to sometimes screw up.
Memories of that summer with Alicia hang in the shadows of my memories. Like a song I forgot I loved, but when the tune comes on the radio, I know every damn word. And just the same, I can’t get her out of my head.
Part of me hopes she’s thinking of me, too. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so reckless, or irresponsible. I’ve made a good life without her, even after she left with a piece of my heart. But now I have to wonder, was I ever anything to her, or was our summer together a moment she’d rather forget? God, I hope not. Crazy and stupid as it is, I hope that every day with Matthew has been a reminder of something good and perfect.
19
Alicia
“Again! Again!” Matthew claps, loving the attention from my brothers as they take turns spinning him around in one of the swivel patio chairs. I would have lost my dinner by now. But my child could probably do this for hours.
“It’s bath time,” I say, scooping him into my arms before he throws a fit. “Tell Uncle Ricky and Uncle Eddie good night.”
“Nigh’ nigh’!” Matthew says, waving his hand.
“Night, little man.” Eddie walks over to kiss the top of his head. “We’ll play again on Sunday.”
“Sun-yay!” Matthew cheers.
“That’s right.” Eddie laughs and musses his hair. He takes a few steps toward the house, pointing to Ricky and Simon. “I’m gonna grab another beer, you want one?”
“No, I’m good.” Simon declines, probably more on my behalf.
“Sure. I’ll take one,” Ricky says, leaning back in his chair as we pass by. “Cute kid you got, little sis.” He holds out a closed fist and Matthew mimics him, bumping his little knuckles against my brother’s much larger ones the way they taught him earlier.
“I can take him up,” Simon offers, standing from his seat. “Get him ready for bed.”
“Okay, thanks,” I agree, handing Matthew over. I’ve been leaning on Simon so much this week and a tinge of guilt works its way into my gut. In London, it’s the same because I work a lot, and I gave up the mom guilt for that a long time ago. But here, when we’re supposed to be on vacation, I feel horrible that Simon’s spent more waking hours with Matthew than I have. “I’ll be up in a few minutes to tuck him in.”
“Sounds good.” Simon bounces Matthew as they walk inside, earning a few infectious giggles from my little boy. “Doesn’t it, mate?”
He’s good with Matty and I’m lucky to have him in our lives. I’ve never regretted letting Simon play the father figure role in my son’s life. It’s felt right. It’s what we both needed. But now I wonder if that was best. Will Matthew ever trust Chase the way he does Simon? Have I tainted their chance of a full and loving relationship? Will they one day hate me for the choices I made?
“What’s wrong?” Ricky says, staring as if he can read my distress. Hell, it’s probably written all over my face.
I sink into my chair. “Nothing.” Everything.
“You and Mom aren’t fighting, are you?” Ricky frowns. “She promised to be on her best behavior.”
I open my mouth, not exactly sure how to respond. Our mom turned in after dinner, claiming exhaustion, but I saw her grab a full bottle of gin when she left the dining room. I don’t think I’ve seen her without a drink in all the time I’ve been home. She was always a social drinker, but this blatant overindulgence is something else entirely.
“Did you tell her?” Eddie interrupts, coming back outside and pulling out a chair next to Ricky before handing him a bottle of beer.
Ricky shoots our brother a glare. “I was waiting for you.”
“Tell me what?” I straighten in my seat.
Ricky shares another look with Eddie before turning his attention on me. “We need to talk.”
“About Mom?” I lean forward in my chair, resting my forearms against the table. “Because I’m really concerned for her mental health.”
“Alicia. Mom’s fine.” Eddie’s tone is thick with irritation. “This is . . . it’s . . .”
Ricky sighs. “It’s about our sister.”
“Our—?” I can’t even say it. In fact, it shocks me how easily they use the word sister to refer to a total stranger—a secret I’d been holding for years—and someone they didn’t even know existed until after Dad’s stroke.
“Look, I know you’re only here a few more days, but there are some things we need to work out.” Ricky takes a sip of his beer, but holds my stare.
“What?” I’m confused. He runs the family business with Eddie. What do they need me for? I don’t even have full access to my trust fund. Not until I turn thirty.
“After everything with Dad, we want to make sure she’s taken care of.” Eddie taps his finger along the side of his bottle, rocking back in his chair. “Move some money around. Make sure it’s distributed fairly.”
What they’re getting at finally hits me. “You want to re-organize the trust? My trust.”
“She’s family. Blood.” Ricky holds my stare. “It’s what Dad would have wanted.”
“How do you know that?” Defensiveness prickles my spine. I’m blindsided by this request because it doesn’t seem I have a choice. They’ve already decided what’s best without my input. It’s the same crap our parents used to pull. They’re just like Dad. “What if she’s not a good person? We don’t know why Dad hid her away. And we can’t even fucking ask him!”
“Alicia,” Ricky chastises.
“There’s no reason to get upset.” Eddie holds up his hands. “Calm down.”
I shake my head, hating the judgment in their faces. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” Ricky rubs his temples, blinking with annoyance.
“Like I’m the one being irrational here!” I hate that my voice gets pitchy and that my hands shake. That they appear so nonchalant while I’m clearly upset.
“Look, we all know why Dad hid Lucía away
,” Eddie says, his head tilting toward the door. “He loved Mom, and wouldn’t have done anything to upset her.”
Except have an affair, and a child in another country. The irony isn’t lost on me, but what’s most upsetting is how Eddie refers to my father’s love in the past tense. Daddy might not be able to speak, but he’s not dead.
“So, what?” It’s not that I can’t raise Matthew on my own, but having those extra funds provides me peace of mind. It’s made it possible for me to pursue my doctorate degree. “We’re supposed to give this woman who claims to share our blood half of my inheritance?”
“A third.” Ricky states flatly. “We’re doing the same with ours.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
Ricky exhales, his sigh radiating his disappointment. “Then you’re not the person I thought you were.” He takes another sip from his beer and shrugs. “Look, we can’t make you sign a damn thing. But promise me you’ll at least think about it before you go back. We have an appointment with the lawyers on Monday. It’ll be simple and easy.”
Silence settles around us, the chirp of crickets the only sound to fill the space. I don’t want to give in, but my anger has just as much to do with them as it does my father. I hate that he left us with this mess. That we can’t confront him and demand answers. Instead, he’s destined to a life of silence while we pick up the pieces. It’s unfair. I hate him. Because I still love him. I miss him too.
“Okay.” My indignation deflates under my brothers’ disheartened stares. “I’ll think about it.”
“Thank you.” Ricky sighs and takes another sip from his beer.
“Well, I better head out,” Eddie says, pushing to his feet. “I’ve got that meeting early tomorrow.”
“I should get going too,” Ricky says, twisting the half-empty beer bottle in his hands. “I’m going to stop in and see Dad before I head out.”
“I need to get Matthew to bed.” I don’t even try to mask the coolness in my tone.
“Hey.” Eddie pulls me into his arms before I can pass by him. My stiff body relaxes into his warmth. Thanks to technology we’ve worked hard to stay in touch, but I’ve missed both of my brothers. I miss their hugs. “I love you.”
“Love you, too,” I whisper.
Ricky is waiting with open arms when Eddie releases me from his embrace. “And I love you, too. Having another sister doesn’t change that.” He gives me a squeeze, holding me tight for a long breath. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I don’t want this to ruin our time with you.”
Time that’s limited because I choose to live in another country.
I’m having a hard time remembering why after today. Watching my brothers shower my son with love and attention makes me long for what should have been. It’s my fault they don’t see him enough. It’s my fault Matty doesn’t know his own father.
I replay my conversation with Chase over in my head. His kiss too. It felt so good to be wrapped in his arms, like going back in time. I relished that feeling of being wanted. The tenderness, the passion, all of it stoked a flame I thought was extinguished years ago.
How could one kiss hold that power? I don’t really want the answer to the question. Everything I’ve held true all these years I’d built on sand, and this trip was washing it all away. They say the truth sets you free, but does it? Because I don’t know what I’ll have left when this week is over.
20
Chase
The next morning, I drive to pick up Alicia and Matthew with a nervous energy pulsing through my veins. I’m excited. But I also want this day to be perfect. At the very least, a success. I feel as though I have something to prove, not only to Alicia, but to myself.
When I pull up to the massive house, they’re waiting outside. It looks almost comical, the two of them sitting next to a toddler booster seat waiting to hitch a ride outside such a lavish estate. Maybe there’s a reason she doesn’t want me coming to the door. Or she doesn’t want me to meet her parents? Or maybe talking to Simon? God, is she embarrassed for others to find out I’m Matthew’s father? I hope not. I’m not a doctor or millionaire, but I’m hard-working and I’m prepared to be involved—both financial and emotionally—in my son’s life.
Fuck. I’m already overthinking this. It’s quite possible she’s just prepared and ready to leave. I glance at the dash after putting the truck into park to make sure I’m not late, but no, I’m actually ten minutes early.
Nerves rattle my chest as I hop down from the cab and walk around to meet my son. My child. Wow. The weight of the responsibility settles on my shoulders, but it doesn’t scare me. I’m prepared to take it on. I might not feel worthy or ready for fatherhood, but I can’t deny it’s something I’ve always hoped and prayed for. Hell, not so long ago I dreamed of having a child with Alicia. Now I do. It’s not exactly how I expected, but that doesn’t lessen the gift of it. We have a child, and today I get to spend the day with him. My eyes blink back the emotion from the joy filling my heart.
“Morning.” I force my pulse to calm as I meet Alicia’s wary gaze.
“Hey.” She looks as overwhelmed as I feel.
“Truck! Truck!” Matthew points at my vehicle, his body bouncing without his feet leaving the ground. It’s so fucking cute.
“He likes trucks?”
“Anything with wheels.” Alicia smiles softly. She reaches for Matthew’s hand and then the car seat.
“Here, let me.” I step forward and take the seat from her.
“Thanks.” She looks down at Matthew, who doesn’t appear shy or concerned by my presence. He must have an adventurous spirit like his mama.
I take the seat to install in the back seat of the truck. My firefighter training and all the community safety events I’ve worked comes in handy, because I get the seat secured in no time. Before I climb back out, I look over my shoulder and find Alicia staring—quite appreciatively—at my backside. A smirk works its way onto my lips, but I can’t deny the slight ego boost her stare provides. “You wanna check it out first?”
Her gaze snaps to mine and her cheeks darken with a blush. “Uh.”
Yeah. You’re busted. “The car seat?” I nearly laugh out loud. “Make sure I installed it right?”
“Right,” she says before addressing Matthew. “Stay here, Matty. No running. Remember we have to be careful around cars.”
“Okay, Mama. No run.” A serious frown crinkles his forehead.
Alicia smiles and then shuffles past me to climb into the truck.
I squat down next to Matthew, worried my height and size might be intimidating to the little guy. Alicia and I didn’t discuss specifics about today, other than the museum, so I don’t exactly know how to introduce myself. I so badly want him to know I’m his dad. How I promise to love him for the rest of my life. How I never want to miss another day of his life. “Hey, bud, you ready to have a fun day?”
His eyes stare back at me, wide and deep brown, so much like my own.
Fuck. This is hard. I wish I could pull him into my arms, but he already appears unimpressed. I make it my personal mission to win him over, no matter what it takes. “You like my truck? It’s pretty cool, huh?”
His eyes twinkle with interest. “Truck!”
“Can you hand him up to me?” Alicia says from the open door.
“You wanna go for a ride in my truck with Mommy?” I hold out my arms.
“Yes!” he says, his little mouth adding an extra sound to the word so it comes out more like yesh. Adorable. Seriously, I know I’m biased, but could this kid be any cuter?
“Up you go.” I pick him up and walk the few steps to Alicia.
He reaches for her and is out of my arms all too soon. Emotion simultaneously constricts and expands my breath. Regret. Fear. Hope. I feel everything. It’s something that wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t sober. It’s moments like these when my brain doesn’t know which to prefer. Experiencing life in all its highs and lows is a gift and a curse. But long ago I vowed to alwa
ys choose the more feeling path. Even if it hurts. I never want to numb myself again. Life is too precious. I refuse to take any of these moments for granted.
“Okay, he’s buckled and ready to go.” Alicia hops down from the back seat.
I open the front passenger door.
She doesn’t quite meet my gaze as she climbs inside, the nervous energy pulsating between us.
Eager to push past this newness and find comfortable common ground, I walk around the truck to get behind the wheel. I really hope this museum thing isn’t a bust. I think some laughter and fun will do us good. “I was thinking we could check out this children’s museum?” I start my truck and begin pulling out of the long private drive. “It’s supposed to be great.”
“Sure.” She picks at her nails, glancing back at Matthew. “Yeah.”
Shit. Maybe I’ve already messed up. “Unless you think he won’t like it?” I glance into my rear mirror, worry twisting my gut. The last thing I want is to disappoint him. “Would something else be better?” I pull to a stop at the end of the drive, now unsure if I should follow the route to the museum.
“It’s good, Chase.” Alicia rests her fingers lightly on my forearm, dropping them after she draws my gaze to hers. Her smile is gentle. “He’s two. He’ll love anywhere we go.”
“Go! Go!” Matthew cheers from the back. It’s the perfect icebreaker and some of the tension falls away.
“Okay, buddy.” I check the rearview window, smiling at the pure excitement on his face. “Let’s go.” Moving the gearshift to park, I rev the engine a few times, earning a few claps of approval from Matthew.
“Oh, my God.” Alicia laughs, rolling her eyes. “Don’t be a showoff.”
“I can’t help it,” I tease, shifting into drive and pulling onto the street with caution. The drive is quick, and the entire time I feel Alicia’s stare. I wonder if her mind is full of questions she wishes she could ask. Mine sure is. I want to fill in all the gaps from the last three years. From the simple things like whether she still runs from birds, to much bigger ones like whether she sees herself staying in London or would she consider moving back to Richmond.
