by Kacey Shea
The guys settle onto the comfortable outdoor furniture, kicking back and lighting up the cigars. The outdoor heaters provide warmth and the music from the bar isn’t as loud from here, allowing for comfortable conversation. Our celebration goes from frat house to chill, which is more on pace with my brother’s preferences. Mine, too.
I sink into one of the chairs in the corner and take it all in.
I try not to think about Julia and Alicia together at Jill’s bachelorette party. A sinking feeling twists my gut at all the ways that could go wrong. I shouldn’t have let Julia go without talking to her first. It was cowardly of me to wait. It’s going to hurt enough as it is, but finding out from someone other than me will be worse.
“Hey, this is supposed to be a party. What’s with the frowny face?” Cam clasps me on the shoulder before taking a seat on my left. “You okay?” He drops his voice. “Is it the drinking?” Apology etches into the furrow of his brow. “You can take off whenever. You don’t have to stay.”
“I’m good.” Tomorrow my brother is marrying a woman who loves him and is ready to commit—that’s something to celebrate. It’s not the drinking that has me down. But by Cam’s frown, he doesn’t believe me. “I promise. I’m really good.”
“Then how come you’re so serious? You’ve been weird all week.”
“It’s nothing.” I don’t want to bring him down, not before his big day, but I have a hard time straight up lying to him. “We’ll talk after you get back from your honeymoon.”
“Nope.” He shakes his head. “How ’bout you tell me now so I can leave and not worry about you.”
I hate that he still feels the need to look after me. “You don’t have to worry, Cam. I’m good. I swear.”
“I’m always gonna be your big bro.” He pins me with a serious stare, waiting me out. He raises his brows. “Might as well tell me before I call the rest of the guys over to hassle it out of you.”
Fuck. He’s not gonna let this go. “It’s Alicia.”
“Jill’s friend?” He frowns.
“Yeah, look, you have to promise not to say anything. Not to Jill.” I realize what I am asking is impossible but honestly, does it even matter anymore? She never wanted her friends to know about us—but I consider Jill family and tomorrow she officially will be. I’m not hiding my son’s existence from the people I love and care about. “At least not before the wedding.”
“What’s this about?”
“Her kid.” I swallow hard. “He’s mine.”
A burst of laughter explodes from Cam’s lips. “That’s a good one.” He shakes his head, slapping me on the back. “You had me going there. Fucking asshole.” But when I don’t join in, his amusement fades. “Wait. Are you fucking serious?”
“Yeah, we uh, we had a thing the summer before she left. Down in Kitty Hawk.” We had so much more than a thing, but I don’t think my brother needs all the details. I’m also not ready to admit how much she broke my heart.
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“What can I do? She lives in London.” There’s a physical ache in my chest at the idea of her leaving with Matthew next week. “I’m with Julia.” But that’s not holding me back, and right there is my answer for where we go next.
He studies my face as if he’s searching for answers. “You like her.”
“Julia?” I frown, because of course I do. I might be hesitant to make a lifelong commitment, but she’s a good woman. The best. I would be a fool to walk away from someone who treats me so well.
“No,” Cam says. His mouth hangs open with surprise. “Alicia.”
I never stopped. “I don’t even know her. Not anymore.”
“But you did,” he challenges. “That summer. Getting sober, she had something to do with that, didn’t she?”
She had everything to do with it. I’m too tired to keep up the lie. “I wouldn’t be standing here today without her.”
“Then she left and had your baby overseas. Damn, Chase.”
“She didn’t know she was pregnant when she left.”
“That’s a little better. I guess.”
“Yeah.”
“What about your kid?” Cam leans back into his chair and rubs a hand along the back of his head. “Fuck, what’s his name again?”
“Matthew.”
“Matthew.” He smiles, nodding. “I have a nephew. Fuck.”
“Yeah.” I exhale a long breath, my shoulders feeling lighter now that my brother knows the truth. “He’s smart and funny, and I know I’ve only known him a few days, but that boy already has a piece of my heart. I don’t know how I’m going to watch them walk away next week.”
“Did you tell Julia?”
“No.” I shake my head.
His eyes widen. “Interesting.” There’s an implication in his tone that calls my bullshit.
“I just found out.” The need to defend my actions presses more excuses from my mouth. “I need time to process.”
“Sure. But if I found out I had some long lost child?” He shrugs, holding my stare. “Jill would be the first person I told.” He leans forward, his elbows resting on his thighs. “You worried Julia will break up with you for this? It’s not as if you were keeping it from her. I kept Kenz from Jill and she forgave me. My mistake was not trusting Jill from the beginning. If you want a future with Julia, you need to give her the benefit of the doubt. If she loves you, she’ll understand.”
“Yeah.” But that’s not it. I know Julia would understand. So why haven’t I told her? If I’m honest, it’s because then I’ll have to tell her about Alicia and that’s where my feelings get complicated. Because even though I haven’t seen her in three years, it’s as if my heart doesn’t understand—doesn’t remember how her leaving crushed it to pieces. When she’s around, all I want is to go back to that time. I remember how she tastes, how she feels when she comes, how she feels like home.
“Well, shit. This sucks. We leave right after the wedding. I won’t be around to get to know my nephew.”
“He’s a really sweet kid.”
“You spent time with him?”
“Yeah, I spent most of yesterday with him.”
Cam’s brows lift with surprise. “Alicia was cool with that?”
“Yeah, she was there too.”
His lips press together and he leans back in his seat. “Hmm.” He brings his cigar to his lips and takes a long inhale.
“What?” I roll my eyes. “Just say what you wanna say.”
“I’m trying to read between what you are and aren’t telling me.”
“My sobriety isn’t at risk, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“That’s not what I think at all.” He scowls, shaking his head. “Chase, you’ve worked your ass off to stay sober. You’re a good man. I’m proud to be your brother and I’m happy as hell you’re the one standing by my side when I marry Jill tomorrow.”
I don’t need his affirmations. I’m in a good place and I know how much Cam cares, but damn, it feels good to hear those things out loud.
“Damn, brother.” I blink back the surge of emotion, leaning forward to pat his shoulder. “Who knew you could be such a sappy fuck.”
“Yeah, well. You’re one of the most important people in my life.” Cam wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in for a sideways hug. “I love you.”
“Love you, too.” I lean into him and for a moment I’m transported back in time, when he was taller than me and I looked up to him as though he were a super hero. He’s always looked out for me. Loved me the way a big brother should. We might not share blood, but it doesn’t matter, the bond we share is stronger than that.
He pulls away, meets my stare, and blinks back the same emotion that thickens in my throat. Cam shakes his head as he chuckles gruffly. “This is supposed to be a party and here we are tearing up like a couple of sentimental fools.”
“And I can’t even blame it on the alcohol.
”
He laughs at my joke, then sets down his cigar on the table. Leaning to the side, he pulls his phone out of his back pocket. His brows furrow as the screen lights up his face.
“Everything good?”
“Yeah.” He types out a response before trading his cell for the cigar. “You know what I could go for?” He leans back into his seat.
“What’s that?”
“Some good music. I think that bar on Fifth Street has a live band tonight.” His smirk is devious, reminding me of all the times we got into trouble when we were younger.
My own lips curve with amusement. “What are you up to?”
He stands and holds his arms out wide, his voice boisterous. “I’m just a man who wants to enjoy his last single night.”
He’s up to something, that much is clear. I’m just not sure what. Either way, he’s right. It’s his party and we’ll do whatever he wants as long as it doesn’t break the law. “Fine.” I push to my feet. “We’ll move the party wherever you want.”
“Hell, yeah.” He grins, slinging his arm around mine. “Come on, Chase. Smile. It’ll do you good.”
26
Alicia
“More shots for the single ladies!” one of Jill’s coworkers screams above the current rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” blasting from the speakers.
Our server holds out the tray of amber-orange cocktails, and most of the women from our group huddle around to take their glass.
“Drink up, bitches!” someone cheers, holding hers high before throwing it back.
I pass, of course, which earns me a few curious stares, but Jill’s friends are too polite to harass me about it. Or maybe they’re mature enough not to care. Either way, I’m grateful. I have no interest in sharing my life story. In my limited sober night-life experience, publicly claiming I’m a recovering alcoholic while in a bar tends to make people uncomfortable. Or they ask insanely personal questions. I’d like to avoid both.
Not that I frequent bars much these days.
As much as this isn’t my scene, I am happy to be here celebrating with Jill and Callie. And Chase’s girlfriend. Okay, so I’m not thrilled about that. A few people left after dinner and selfishly I hoped she’d be one of them. Alas, the universe is not that kind. She’s here, hanging out and acting like an all-around decent human. Because she is. Which is equally annoying. It would be easier to hate her if she was a bitch.
Fuck. In this scenario, I’m afraid I’m the villain. I abandoned Chase and my best friends. I had Chase’s baby and didn’t tell him until this week. She’s going to hate me once she finds out, and she’ll have every right.
“You okay?” Callie says, leaning forward so I can hear her over the crowd.
It’s a loaded question.
“I’m good.” I force a smile.
“If this bothers you and you need to bail early, Jill will totally understand.”
I wave off her concern. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”
“When you say you’re fine twice in the sentence, it usually means the opposite.” Callie wiggles her finger at me.
Nervous laughter bursts from my belly. “I am as fine as anyone can be in a karaoke bar.” And hanging with her baby daddy’s new girlfriend.
Callie scoots closer and bumps her hip against mine. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve been steering clear of that microphone.”
“I am not much of a singer. You should know that.”
“Oh, no.” Callie shakes her head. “You used to be the queen of karaoke. You’ve only been gone a few years. That kind of talent doesn’t fade way. Don’t think I forgot.”
Maybe after a little liquid courage.
“I’m not sure my voice works the same when I’m not drunk,” I joke.
“Come on.” Callie takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. “For old times’ sake, sing a duet with me?”
Before I can refuse, Jill slides between us. “What are you two talking about and why do I feel left out?”
“We were just deciding what we should sing together,” Callie interjects.
I shake my head and hold out my hands. “Oh, no. I did not agree to that.”
Jill’s face lights up. “Fuck, yeah! We have to do a song! The three of us!”
“You wouldn’t deny a bride at her bachelorette party, would you?” Callie grins in triumph.
Fuck. There is no way I’m getting out of this. Not without looking like a total dick. “Ugh. Fine but I get to pick the song.”
“Let’s do this!” Jill threads her arm through mine and marches us toward the stage.
My stomach tumbles with nerves. I really don’t have the best voice. Not that anyone in here cares. Still, I feel out of my element. My confidence is shaken after this week, and I’m having a hard time finding exactly where I fit in. With Jill and Callie. With Chase. With my family too.
The DJ lets us cut the line thanks to Jill’s bride-to-be status draped over her shoulder with a very non-Jill-like sash. I don’t know how Callie convinced her to wear it—not with all those rhinestones. I flip through the songbook searching for a fan favorite. My eyes land on “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. What the hell. I point out our selection to the DJ.
Callie screams with delight and Jill laughs. At the very least I’ve made my friends happy.
Before I get a chance to rethink my decision, microphones are thrust into our hands and we’re shuffled onto the small stage. The shimmery foil streamer backdrop glitters from the disco ball overhead. Cheers and shouts of encouragement come from the crowd as the familiar beat drops.
Jill starts us off, shouting into the mic. Callie takes the next line, shaking her hips. The lyrics are so engrained in my memory that I don’t even have to glance at the screen. I smile and laugh with my girls, the ball of nerves in my gut loosening with each repeat of the chorus.
Who would have known?
I’m having fun.
Until I glance out into the crowd.
My stomach practically bottoms out. My breath catches. A rush of awareness courses through my body as I’m struck still. Because standing near the bar’s entrance is none other than Chase Matthews, and he’s staring back. Fuck, he’s delicious. His jeans hug his muscular legs and I have the sudden impulse to help him remove every button on his gray collared shirt. But mostly it’s his eyes. Deep, soulful, and intense. Entrancing me with their power.
Jill bumps my hip, pointing at the screen with the lyrics. Crap. I’ve stopped singing. I was too busy checking Chase out. Shit.
Finding my place in the song, I croon lyrics about the requirements to be my lover. They hit with meaning, considering the past Chase and I share with my friends. I wonder if he catches the irony, not that I planned it. I didn’t even know he would be here.
By some miracle, I keep from looking out into the crowd for the remainder of the song. As it is, I feel the weight of his stare. After the final line, my gaze darts to our tables—to Julia. Her smile is gone. A frown twists her lips downward as she stares at where Chase and the rest of the guys are.
Because he's still staring at me. Our eyes lock from across the room as I shuffle off the stage with Callie and Jill. A soft smile spreads his lips and I can’t help but offer him one back. Only, the joy that one look provides is temporary, because when my stare moves back to Julia, I find her glaring. Shit. Tonight just got really complicated.
Cam walks over, the rest of the guys following. Their feet drag with the swagger all firefighters seem to possess. Jesus. It’s almost like a slow motion sequence in a movie. Remove their shirts and they belong on a stage in Vegas.
My eyes are drawn to Chase and I try not to eat him up with my stare. By the heat in his stare, I fail miserably.
Jill spots Cam before he reaches her. She screams with excitement and rushes to meet him through the crowd.
He lifts her into his arms, catching her as she flings herself at him. His hands squeeze her ass but before she can complain he cups the back of her
head and tugs her mouth to his. Their lips lock, and the tenderness between them is so intense, I look away. I don’t remember the last time I was kissed like that.
No, that’s a lie. It was three years ago.
It was with Chase.
Butterflies take up residence in my belly. If I close my eyes I can recall how it felt to be wrapped in his arms. How his mouth pressed to mine. Demanding. Sensual. Sweet. If I’m honest, I wish I could have that now.
But I didn’t come here to play homewrecker.
I refuse to be the other woman and I won’t break up a happy couple. But if I see him kiss her like he used to kiss me, I don’t think I’ll survive. Jealousy flares in my chest just thinking about it.
For self-preservation I avoid them completely, inserting myself into random conversations and moving around the tables whenever Chase or Julia get too close. I’d be embarrassed—it’s an immature game of cat and mouse—but it’s the only thing keeping me from marching out the door.
The bachelor party combines with our group and we drag over a few more tables. People take turns singing while more drinks are passed around and I evade any more interactions with Julia or Chase. My stomach knots with anxiety and my smiles are as fake as my small talk. I’d leave, but I don’t want to disappoint Jill. Not when we’ve taken such a big step tonight in mending past hurts.
Thankfully, she’s too preoccupied with dragging all of her guests on stage to notice my odd behavior. When she ushers Julia toward the stage for a duet, I take the opportunity to use the restroom.
I’m not in a rush to head back to the tables, so after washing my hands and checking my makeup, I post up against the hallway wall to check my phone. There are no new messages. The last from Simon was hours ago informing me that Matthew was fast asleep.
“Hiding out?” Chase’s voice startles me. I didn’t hear him approach.
“Um, just giving my ears a rest,” I lie.
“Smart.” He grins, coming to stand at my side. He leans back against the wall and turns his chin to meet my stare. “If someone had told me five years ago I’d be in a bar, with you, completely sober, I would have laughed in their face.” He chuckles, the sound washing over me and sending tingles down my spine. “Then I’d probably take a shot.”
