by Kacey Shea
I recognize the conflict in his last words. “Do you miss it?”
“Drinking?” His shoulders shrug. “I miss the comradery. It’s not the same when you’re the odd man out. You?”
“I miss the zero inhibitions.” I press my lips together, staring straight ahead so I don’t catch his reaction. The truth is bound to burn us both. “I miss feeling like I could do or say anything I wanted with no consequences.”
I sense Chase shift his body, turning toward me. I want to meet his stare. I almost do, but I’m scared of what would happen. He’s close and I’ve been fantasizing about his lips enough as it is. My judgment is already lost and abandoned somewhere in this bar.
He clears his throat. “So, what is it you would do tonight if there were no consequences?”
You. I’d do you. But I don’t give him that honest answer. The repercussions are too great a risk. Instead I reach for humor, nodding toward the end of the hall where the entire bar sings along with the chorus to “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks. “I’d get you on that stage with me.”
“Oh, really?” His laughter dulls the tension between us. “Done.”
“What?” My neck swivels to meet his stare. Fuck. I didn’t think he’d agree.
“Let’s go.” He motions toward the stage. “What are we singing?”
“It was a joke, Chase.”
“Yeah, well, joke’s on you because I don’t back down from a challenge.”
Desire stirs in my belly. His words and unwillingness to back down only serve as a reminder of how freaking hot we were together. I really need to get laid. Lusting after Chase is not helping my already frazzled nerves. This is probably a mistake I’m going to regret later. “Whatever.” I roll my eyes and start walking. “But you have to pick the music.”
27
Chase
Flipping through the book of popular and obscure karaoke tunes, I find what I’m looking for and give the title to the sound guy. He raises his brows as if to question my choice. Ten years ago I’d have been embarrassed to admit how much I love this song—or how a few years ago I spent one week learning all the dance moves out of sheer boredom. Now, it’s a really cool party trick.
The first beat drops and Alicia turns to me, eyes narrowed as she shakes her head. She mouths the word, “No.”
But it’s too late. We’re already on stage, mics in hand, and we might not be a powerhouse boy band like NSYNC, but we’re about to sing the shit out of “Bye Bye Bye.” I wince as I realize how she might interpret the lyrics. Fuck it. She can read into that as much or as little as she wants. I picked this for an entirely different reason. To show off.
Bringing my microphone to my lips, I point at her as I belt out the first verse. I shake my hips to the rhythm, waggling my brows and acting silly until the chorus hits. Then I bust out all my moves.
Alicia’s jaw drops, clearly not expecting me to reenact the popular music video.
“Don’t make me carry this number,” I tease into my microphone.
Alicia snaps out of her momentary shock, a smile working its way onto her lips as the guys from the department whistle and cheer. She holds up her mic, joining in with the chorus and taking the next verse. Laughter bursts from her lips when we reach the next refrain because this time I go all out, falling to my knees and pretending I’m Justin Timberlake. There are cell phones held up capturing every second of this moment, but it’s totally worth it. Her smile is so big by the time we exit the stage. Her joy contagious, and I put it there.
Random people gather around, patting me on the back and offering their sincerest compliments when I hop off stage. I hold my hand out to Alicia, steadying her as she jumps the short distance.
“Um, we need to talk about your hidden talents,” she says as we make our way back to our friends.
“Alicia,” I say as if I’m scandalized by the suggestion. “Keep it PG. This isn’t that kind of a club.”
Her nostrils flare, her eyes widening just a second before we’re surrounded by our group. The guys pull me in for bear hugs, their teasing and laughter separating me from Alicia. I look over to try and find her, but instead lock eyes with Julia.
Fuck. I was so caught up in Alicia, I kind of forgot she was here.
Julia’s stare is serious, as if she’s not having fun. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She shuffles forward, her mouth pressed in a thin line as she makes her way to my side. She touches my arm, leaning forward to speak into my ear. “I think I’m gonna head out. I’m not feeling well.”
I can’t help but wonder if I have something to do with that. “Do you want me to drive you?”
“No.” Her gaze darts to my brother. “You should stay.”
“Okay. Let me at least walk you out.” I rest my hand at the small of her back.
She shakes her head, stepping away from my touch. “I don’t want to pull you away from the party. Besides, my ride’s already here.” She holds up her cell.
“Okay.” I want to ask her if she’s angry with me. She has every right to be. In some ways it would make this easier. Instead, she’s perfectly accommodating, leaving without another word.
My body hums with a restless energy after she’s gone. I want to talk to Alicia, but now is not the time nor place. Plus, she won’t even look at me, back to hiding across the room like she was for most of the night. It’s probably for the best. As much as I want her, and as much as she strikes up old feelings, I shouldn’t act on them.
I’m sitting back into one of the chairs when I notice Alicia give Callie and Jill hugs, then head for the entrance. What the hell? I ditch my table and in several long strides catch up to her before she reaches the exit. “Hey, you leaving?”
She stops and turns at the sound of my voice. “Yeah.”
She wasn’t going to say good-bye. It stings more than it should. “Need a ride?”
“I borrowed one of my parents’ cars.”
“I’ll walk you out, then.”
She shakes her head before I even get out the words. “No, I’m right here.” She presses the disarm button on her key remote and the taillights to a car parked right out front flash. “Night, Chase.” She turns and walks away before I can convince her otherwise.
“Drive safe.” I want to ask her to text me when she gets home. I almost do, but something holds me back.
She lifts her hand, waving without looking back. I hate that I can’t see her face. Or read her expression. She pushes out of the front doors and seconds later she’s in the car, pulling onto the street. Leaving me behind. Like she always seems to do. I wonder how many more times I’ll watch her do it. More importantly, when will it stop hurting?
It's after midnight by the time our party wraps up and everyone is safely on their way home. I stick Cam and Jill in the back seat of my pickup and head home. They talk but my mind drifts to the apprehension I feel for tomorrow. I hadn’t expected to see Alicia tonight, or Julia, and especially not together. I expected to feel torn. Maybe more conflicted. But there was no contest. Wrong or right, there was only one woman taking up space in my mind. Just thinking about how much worse it will be at the wedding frazzles my nerves.
Which is why, after I park my truck and help a stumbling Cam and Jill get into their house, I pull out my phone and send the message I’ve been avoiding all night.
Me: Hey, are you up? I think we should talk.
It’s late. I doubt she’s up.
Julia: I’m awake. Do you want to come over?
Fuck. This is going to be hard. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t go into my brother’s wedding without laying out the complete truth. She deserves that. It’s the least I can do.
Me: On my way now.
I rehearse what I’m going to say on the short drive to her apartment. But that all goes out the window when I show up on her doorstep.
She opens the door before I knock. A thick cotton robe wraps her body and she hugs it close. Her eyes are bloodshot as if she’s been crying, and the wariness in her
gaze makes me feel like shit. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I shove my hands into my slacks, noting how she doesn’t invite me in. I open my mouth to speak but hesitate, trying to find the words. There’s no easy way to say this.
“We’re breaking up.” A few tears drop from her lashes and she sniffles, her jaw clenching. “Aren’t we?” Her gaze doesn’t waver, even if her voice does. There’s strength in the depths of her eyes and I admire her directness. But fuck, I can’t stand to cause her pain.
“I think it’s best.” I resist the urge to comfort her.
“You know, I really loved you. I thought we could be something.” She sniffles again.
God, this hurts. “I’m sorry. I care about you. I always have, but . . .” How do I begin to explain the connection Alicia and I share?
“It’s her, isn’t it? Alicia?”
I nod. “Yeah.” I want to bring up Matthew. Explain this isn’t only about an old flame. But that’s not really the truth. It wouldn’t matter if Matthew was mine or not. It’s Alicia my heart has always wanted. I tried to move on. To make a life filled with joy without her. I thought I’d done that with Julia, but I was only going through the motions. We never burned as bright. Even now, breaking up, there’s no hatefulness, no fighting, no resistance. “I’m sorry, Julia.”
“I’ve always known you were holding back a piece of yourself.” She swipes away a tear, and fiddles with the tie of her robe. “I thought it was unintentional, because of your past. Your incessant passion to help those who’ve been where you were. But now I know. It was her. You couldn’t love me with everything because she always had a part of you I never could.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—” I scrub a hand over my face. “You must hate me.”
Her smile is sad. “I wish I did. That’d make this easier. But I deserve more than second best. You’re a good man, Chase. I hope like hell she knows how lucky she is.”
There’s nothing else to say. Telling her I love her would only hurt. We both know it’s not the same love I hold for Alicia.
“There’s some stuff at your place I’d like back.” She straightens her spine and reaches for the door. “I’ll be by next week.”
Shit. I probably have things here too. “Do you want them now? If you give me a list, I’ll go pack everything up.” I think about the plans we’ve made to move in together. I hate that I’m disappointing her. “I’m sorry, Julia. I really am.”
“No. Stop.” She shakes her head. “Stop trying to make this better. I just want to move on. We both need to.”
“Thank you.” For loving me all these years when I clearly didn’t deserve it. For the steady companionship and abounding acceptance.
“Bye, Chase.” She smiles sadly, stepping back to close the door on me and our relationship. The click of the lock echoes through the night with resounding closure. It’s over. I’m a single man.
My chest expands with possibilities, but it’s bittersweet. This might be the right path, but I wish I didn’t have to hurt such a good person in order to follow my heart. Besides, there are no guarantees. I want Alicia back. I don’t want to waste another day apart. Tomorrow I’ll lay my heart out but there’s a real chance she’ll reject me. If she does, I’ll have to learn to live with it, whether I like it or not.
28
Alicia
The house is abuzz with energy when I wake the next morning. Simon takes Matthew to one of the nearby parks with my brother, Eddie, and promises to bring him back sometime after the reception begins. We both agree a toddler running around the grounds will only add to the pre-wedding chaos, and Matthew will be bored out of his mind for the ceremony. Besides, I like the idea of my son building a closer connection with his uncle.
Caterers have already invaded the kitchen and a giant tent’s being installed on the lawn. Someone is setting up chairs for the ceremony, and a DJ who looks like Bob Ross is hooking up the sound system.
I shower and get ready, taking extra effort to style my hair and apply my makeup. The wedding isn’t until two o’clock, but there’s something I want to do before the guests arrive. I should stop in and see my dad, but the morning gets away from me. I’m in a good headspace, and I just don’t have the mental strength to visit him before the wedding. I’ll make time tomorrow or even tonight after the wedding.
After I slide on my dress, a simple A-line gown in deep plum, I give myself a long look in the mirror before checking the time. Shit. I better hurry.
The ceremony doesn’t start for another hour but there’s a certain someone I’m trying to avoid. Okay, I realize that’s impossible, given his brother is the groom. But at least I can delay the inevitable.
After last night, I dread seeing Chase with Julia. I didn’t expect it to hurt so much to see him with someone else. I didn’t think I’d be so jealous. Maybe I’ll catch a break and she’ll get food poisoning. Is that immature of me to hope for? Yes. At least I own it.
Opening a dresser drawer, I shuffle through the items I never shipped to London. I find what I’m looking for and head downstairs and across the lawn to the small guest cottage where Jill is getting ready. My mother is nowhere to be found, and I exhale a frustrated breath hoping and praying she’s at least going easy on the alcohol. Maybe she’s too preoccupied with everything happening at the estate to drink. Unlikely, but still I have hope.
“Hey.” I knock on the door, push it open, and step inside. “How’s everything going in here?” My breath catches and my hand goes to my chest. Jill stands in the center of the room, radiant in her wedding gown. “Oh, Jilly.” It’s not at all what I would have expected. The bodice is fitted with a deep V neckline and intricate lace overlay. The skirt flares out with layers of tulle. It’s modern and glamorous, and the prettiest dress I’ve seen. “You’re absolutely stunning.”
Jill exhales, her nude-painted lips smirking with her smile. “I hate that I love this dress so much.”
Callie grins. “Doesn’t she look like a—”
“Don’t say it.” Jill holds up her hand. “Between agreeing to take Cam’s last name and wearing this white dress, I already feel like a feminist sellout.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that.” I shake my head. “All that tulle makes it the perfect gown for smashing the patriarchy.”
Jill shoots me a grateful smile. “Thank you.”
“Speaking of antiquated traditions.” I step forward, squeezing the small jewelry box in my hands. “I wasn’t sure if you had something borrowed, or blue, and I know you don’t believe in all these old superstitions, but in case you want to make the exception . . .” I inhale a rush of breath and hold out the box. “These have been in my family for generations.”
Jill opens the box. “Oh, Alicia.”
It’s then I notice she’s already wearing a set of earrings with a matching necklace. “But I’m sure you’ve already had your jewelry planned for months. Please don’t feel like you have to wear them. It was silly of me to think—”
“Stop.” Jill rests her hand on my forearm. “These are beautiful and I would be honored to wear them today.” She blinks rapidly. “Fuck. You’re gonna make me cry.”
“Now, now, none of that,” I tease, holding back my own tears.
“Here.” Callie steps behind Jill to unfasten the chain of the neckless she’s wearing. She exchanges that for my family’s sapphire piece while Jill removes her earrings.
I hand her the new pair and step back to admire her again.
“Beautiful,” Callie whispers.
Jill reaches for my hand, squeezing it gently. “Thank you. And thank you for all this.” She motions toward the bay window where the lawn has been transformed to the perfect wedding venue. As if it were always planned and not rushed in less than a week.
“It was nothing.” I wave her off.
She stares, her eyes widening to call my bullshit. “This is definitely not nothing.”
No. It’s not, but I’m uncomfortable with her praise. I don’t feel I deserve
it. There’s so much I have to make up for. This is just one step toward repairing the years lost and broken trust. “I should let you get back to getting ready.” I smile, stepping toward the door.
“Are you busy? Why don’t you stay?” The hopefulness in her offer is impossible to refuse.
“You sure? I don’t want to be in the way.”
“Please.” Callie blows out a breath. “We’re running out of things to talk about.” She sweeps her hands down her own gown, a sage green satin. “And we can’t sit down because of potential wrinkle damage.”
“We can’t have that.”
“Exactly!” Callie laughs and soon our conversation flows as easily as ever. We joke and laugh about old times. They ask me about Matthew. I ask about their jobs, their lives, and all the little things. The uncomfortable tension between us strips away. Warmth spreads in my chest as I experience a feeling I’d forgotten—belonging.
A longing for more moments like this takes hold. A picture, clear in my mind, begins to form. It’s of a life I’ve never dared to wish for. One where these women play a major role again. Conversation and connection. Brunch with my besties. Weekend barbeques with our families. Callie and Ash. Jill and Cam, with his daughter Kenslee too. And Chase.
Only, when I envision us all, I’m with Chase. Together together. He’s a loving and attentive father to Matthew, and we’re happy.
But that isn’t going to happen. Not when he has a girlfriend. Not after breaking his heart. Selfishly, I sit with that vision of the future, letting it wrap around me like a warm blanket even if it’s only a dream. Soon enough the reality that I’m going back to London will sink in. For now, I cling to this alternate reality and allow myself to feel that joy. Even if it’s not a possibility.
