I'm Not Who You Think I Am

by Felicitas Ivey

  If my parents had been religious, they might send me to a priest if I started spouting off in tongues. But religion, like family, didn’t seem to be an important part of their life.

  “That makes no sense to me, but I believe your family would be troubled by this matter,” Sutekhgen said. “If I could apologize to your father, I would.”

  I rolled my eyes. “He doesn’t own me. I’m my own person.” I thought about it for a second. “Well, when I’m of age. Right now both my parents are sort of responsible for me.”

  Sutekhgen’s face had lit up when I said that, but then he shook his head, his eyes sad. And I felt bad about that for some reason. I wanted to pound my head against a wall to get that feeling out of it. He was the bad guy here. Sutekhgen might not believe that, but I did.

  “I’d thought for a second you had remembered,” he told me. “Since you had shed all ties of family when you became my companion before. But I see your mind is still clouded.”

  “Ick.” I wrinkled my nose. “Nothing personal, but thinking about premodern attitudes toward women, did that mean I became your property?”

  “Beloved, no!” Sutekhgen exclaimed. “You were your own woman.”

  I drew myself up and glared at him. Sutekhgen was only a couple of inches taller than I was so I only had to tilt my head back a shade to do so. I even managed to look down my nose at him, if I was doing it right.

  “Stop calling me that! I don’t know you. While you might mean it platonically, I don’t think so. Stop trying to influence me into thinking we are long-lost lovers. FYI, just because I said yes in a past life, the consent hasn’t traveled to this one.”

  “Be… Beautiful One, what are you talking about?”

  I sighed and closed my eyes, feeling exhausted. “I don’t know. I just… I just am getting some weird vibes off things.” I opened my eyes and smiled at him. “I know. Past lives, fantastic beasts, and language issues should be strange enough.”

  “But there is a feeling of oddness.” Sutekhgen nodded. “A thread out of place in a weaving. You think one tug at the correct one and the whole mystery will be solved.”

  “That’s right,” I whispered. Did he take me seriously or was Sutekhgen just humoring me? “Something feels off, but I think I’m just overtired.” I looked around. “This isn’t helping either. Dreams are supposed to be good for you, and I don’t think these are.”

  Sutekhgen frowned. “But this is the only way I can talk to you.”

  I frowned. “But you and Fido—”

  “Who?” Sutekhgen looked lost for a second.

  “Um…. Well…. Him,” I said, pointing at Fido.

  He waggled his whole body and then turned in a circle a couple of times. Fido took the pointing as a signal I wanted to pet him again and came over, hip-checking me in his eagerness for my attention. I stumbled and landed in Sutekhgen’s arms. Of course, he had great reflexes and managed to catch me, like this was a romance novel.

  Sutekhgen tightened his hold on me and touched his forehead gently to mine. “It is good to have you in my arms again.”

  He let go before I could knee him in a personal place or stamp on his toes. I wanted to be angry, but Sutekhgen sounded so hurt. And was that a me feeling or something else he shoved into my brain? I was so certain of how I felt before he intruded on my life.

  “My Set Beast has never had a name before,” Sutekhgen explained, stepping back so I wasn’t within touching range. The look on his face was heartbreaking, and I was tempted to step back into his arms. But I didn’t want to confuse him. I wondered how fast Stockholm Syndrome set in, because I didn’t want to treat him like the enemy anymore. Or was Fido the one melting my brain with his attempts to be a cute puppy?

  “That’s sad,” I said. “He’s just been ‘hey you’ for millennia?”

  “I don’t think this is what you wanted to talk about,” he said.

  “But you appeared in Boston,” I said, trying not to sound confused and getting back on track. “Which is how I seemed to make friends with Fido. Because I guess Ricardo’s red sauce is actually a secret weapon with mystical beasts.”

  “It was at a great cost,” Sutekhgen said, “and it left the way open for others to wander freely into your reality. It was foolishness on my part, and it endangered you.”

  “That’s not a good thing,” I said. “But….”

  I couldn’t finish my thought, because my head started aching again.

  “Are you well?” Sutekhgen asked.

  I shook my head and regretted it. “Um…. No. I have this killer headache again. I’ve had one on and off after the first dream with you. Other than the headache and this happening, Boston’s been a fun visit, considering why I’m there.”

  “You do not live there?” he asked, reaching out to rub my temples. I’d rather have had a couple of aspirin, but the pain did recede after a minute.

  “I’m visiting my uncle,” I explained, relaxing into his touch. “I’ve never been there before.”

  “Ah.” His voice had deepened and smoothed out.

  At that, I jerked back. “No. Um… crap. I feel like I’m teasing you and I don’t want to.”

  “I don’t understand the meaning of your words,” Sutekhgen said, looking concerned.

  “I’m making you think I might be more interested in you then I am,” I tried to explain, the pitch of my voice making it more like a question then a statement. “The headache’s gone, so….” I stepped back. “I didn’t mean to lead you on. I apologize.”

  Off in the distance was the faint sound of a heavy being coming toward us. The pace was deliberate and steady. It sounded like an animal on the attack, not bothering to be quiet because, “I’m so sure I’m going to get you, I don’t need to be subtle.” If anything that big could be silent when it stalked. The animal in question was just in the large-tonnage range and not a cuddly killer housecat or something.

  Sutekhgen stiffened and looked around. “We…. Fido and I must go now. And it’s time for you to return to the waking world.”

  I woke up when I hit the floor. I lay there for a moment, wondering what had just happened and why I was on the floor.

  Oh, it was because Sutekhgen had pushed me out of a dream, again, and I was getting tired of that. I knew he was trying to protect me, but from what? I had no idea what had been stomping around, so how could I avoid whatever he was “protecting” me from if all I knew was that it stomped and was big? That could be anything from a dinosaur to a giant robot.

  I got up and stretched, my headache nagging the back of my head. I quietly padded down the stairs to the kitchen. I’d get something to drink and a couple of aspirins and try to get some more sleep.

  Mafdet shadowed me, acting like I was going to murder everyone in their sleep if she didn’t watch me. I shut the door to the study firmly, with her on the other side, when I went back to bed. I didn’t need a cat judging me on top of everything else.

  I was back in Nubt as soon as my head hit the pillow, I swear. But… I now was dressed only in a kilt. And that barely covered my behind. Also, I wasn’t wearing any underwear—again! And if I knew how this happened, I was going to hurt the person responsible. I liked underwear a lot.

  Fido trotted over to me. He’d gotten bigger and now we could stand shoulder-to-shoulder. I reached up to pet his head.

  “This might be counterproductive, unless you think I want to ride you,” I said.

  “You did name him,” Sutekhgen said from someplace behind me. “He is devoted to you for that, it seems.”

  I yelped and put Fido between the two of us. There was no way Sutekhgen was seeing me in the altogether. Or however you wanted to phrase my near nakedness.

  “While he would still fit at home, my parents wouldn’t let me keep him,” I said regretfully. Fido lowered his head so I could pet the top of it and rub his ears. “Most of the apartments in the city are too small for pets, no matter what people want to think. But I live in one of the old mansions there. It’s a
bout the only thing my father got from his family, they were so annoyed he married Mother,” I continued. “I don’t think you’d like snow, Fido. Also I’d have to keep you on a leash so you wouldn’t frighten the tourists.”

  Not that he wouldn’t with his size, because people could be dumb about things. He’d have to be muzzled too, and that would be awful for him.

  “Tourists?” Sutekhgen echoed.

  “People who visit the city just to see it, not because they have business or family there,” I explained. “And are generally annoying to the people who live where they’re visiting.”

  “I see,” he said. His expression showed he didn’t, though.

  I looked at him. “You look terrible.”

  His cheeks were sunken and there were terrible bags underneath his eyes. The moonlight managed to bleach color from his face while covering it with odd shadows.

  “This isn’t without its cost either,” he admitted.

  “Then—”

  “You are vulnerable still,” he said. “And I will gladly pay the cost to warn you.”

  “Warn me about what?”

  There were too many things that could cover for me to even think about.

  “You are always in danger,” Sutekhgen said, coming closer to me.

  “Duh,” I said. “I’ve grown up in a big city, with random violence and stuff like that. Not the friendliest time to be biracial either. But most people guess that wrong, so I just have the regular walking-while-not-being-white things to worry about and not crap about being Arabic.”

  “Beloved, I have no understanding of what you say.”

  He came closer and I tried not to melt into Fido. Nakedness in this world might not mean what it did in mine, but I didn’t get cultural info along with the language. And right now I didn’t want him to see me like this.

  “First-world problems.” I grinned, trying to reassure him. “And no, you aren’t going to understand that one either.”

  “There is a one who has the same face, but has lived many lives,” Sutekhgen said. He frowned. “Why are you so shy?”

  “Um… I’m not wearing a lot of clothing here,” I said, blushing. “So….”

  “You can wear anything you want in dreams,” Sutekhgen said, smiling. His eyes showed he didn’t understand the problem. He was wearing the same thing. But on him it looked good.

  “Really?”

  I pictured myself in what I had worn that afternoon, a skirt and tunic top. I was somewhat successful. I wasn’t in the barely there kilt anymore, but I wasn’t in that outfit either. I ended up wearing a dark blue linen tank top, which reached to my knees. And still no underwear, but this was an improvement. I stepped out from behind Fido with a grin.

  “Not exactly what I was aiming for, but not bad.”

  “You have a healthy body,” Sutekhgen said. “Why hide it?”

  “I like clothing that covers my butt and my boobs,” I explained.

  I wasn’t going to explain modern American attitudes about clothing. About the amount you were wearing, and consent issues if someone thought not wearing a sack equaled you wanted him. I thought Sutekhgen’s brain would melt.

  He wanted to argue, but Fido whined and nudged him. Sutekhgen was looking a lot better, but his color was still off to me.

  “I guess he doesn’t like it when we disagree,” I said.

  Sutekhgen laughed. “He has never cared for you before.”

  “It’s the power of bribing him with lasagna,” I teased.

  “What do you know of the Shadow Pharaoh?” Sutekhgen asked, petting Fido, even if he hadn’t really understood my comment.

  I stepped over to Fido to pet him also.

  “There’s nothing much mentioned about him in the historical record,” I started. “Many serious scholars think he’s a myth, like the Scorpion King. Honestly? Most people think Egyptian history is all pharaohs and weird stuff like mummies chasing after people.”

  “Are people really that ignorant?” Sutekhgen frowned.

  “I’ve been reading a lot,” I said, not wanting to get into the topic. “But it would help if I knew what I was supposed to look for. All I know is Peribsen is Second Dynasty. There were about thirty of them before the Romans took over. And then things got really messy, historically.”

  “The who?”

  “Not important,” I said, not wanting to lecture him on what little Egyptian history I knew. The costuming from that old Cleopatra movie had been lovely and about the only reason I watched it. “But I saw a couple of things about a Shadow Pharaoh. I think it was from Peribsen’s tomb, but I’ve read so much, I’d need to look at my notes. And I was taking them in hieratic too. Is that going to happen when I go back to school?”

  Sutekhgen looked at me. “School? You are a scholar?”

  I shook my head. “Just… I need to go to school for a certain amount of time. I have two more years. And then I can go on to more specialized training.”

  That was the easiest way for me to explain the American school system. And I was never going to get out of going to college. But what I majored in was the big fight I faced. Right now, I was willing to have it. Because that meant I still had choices in my life.

  “I don’t know if the danger will continue,” he said.

  I bit the inside of my mouth to avoid screaming at him, since it wouldn’t do any good. And because Sutekhgen looked as upset as I was.

  “All right,” I drawled. “So the one with many lives. Could he or she, because there have been a lot of lady pharaohs, be the Shadow Pharaoh?”

  I had discovered there had been a lot more of them than Cleopatra or Hatshepsut. They were just the ones who had been able to be remembered by history. Sutekhgen looked pleased at the phrase “lady pharaoh.” I wanted to roll my eyes at his amusement at my choice of words. Then my stomach turned when I recognized how familiar all this felt. Like we’d done this endlessly before, teasing each other, even though the topic hadn’t warranted it. And I didn’t like that.

  “The pharaoh or one of his protectors,” Sutekhgen said, watching me closely.

  I thought for a second. “Chosen Companion?” I guessed.

  But from the way Uncle Yushua had reacted, he seemed to think the choosing hadn’t been for body guarding, but for bed warming. Where did that phrase come from?

  “That was one of their titles,” Sutekhgen said. “But for the most part, they were to be unnoticed and unacknowledged.”

  “All the better to kick butt,” I muttered. Part of me was angry to be thought of as furniture.

  There was too much baggage from Father’s side of the family and American history for me to be happy about that. But was I Sutekhgen’s companion or something else? I was getting another headache trying to figure this out.

  “An unexpected strike is the best,” he said, smiling. “As being disguised as someone as… harmless as a scribe.”

  “The person who recorded everything is the most important person in the room!” I protested. “Without them, there is no remembrance of what was decided on.”

  “You always thought that, Beloved,” he chuckled.

  “Good to know I’m consistent,” I muttered, ignoring the endearment for now. “So did I work for you or with you?”

  Sutekhgen smiled. “We both served our Lord, as his protectors.”

  “So if I was the fighter, what did you do?”

  “I am blessed with the power of Set.” He smiled. “Set shares his power with me, so I can use his magic.”

  “Wait…. So the gods really did walk about and stuff like that?” I asked. “Set really allied with the queen of Ethiopia when he killed his brother?”

  “He didn’t kill the Green God, for all that he should have, no matter what wild tale was of Osiris’s death,” Sutekhgen snarled. “The fool attempted to make free with Set’s wife, the Lady of the House—”

  “Nephthys,” I murmured.

  “And put into question Anubis’s paternity,” Sutekhgen said. “A direct chall
enge to our God.”

  “He looks just like his father,” I said. “Almost the same doggy head and everything.”

  “That was disrespectful.” Sutekhgen was trying to look angry, but all he could do was grin. “You have not lost any of your pertness over the long nights I’ve walked the path.”

  That I knew what he was talking about was disturbing. The Path of the Dead, a place with scary monsters to avoid or fight, and at the end your heart was weighed to see if you were worthy for Duat, the Egyptian afterlife.

  “Osiris took his job,” I said. “Sort of. He became the judge of the dead instead of Anubis.”

  “After his death, and dismemberment.” Sutekhgen smirked. “His beloved wife was unable to find all the pieces she claimed his brother had scattered. So he no longer was a god of vegetation he had been. He lacked—”

  “She didn’t find his….” I couldn’t say it, and I wasn’t going to go for a romance novel euphemism. Then what he said clicked. “What do you mean by claimed? Did she? Did Nephthys?”

  Sutekhgen sobered, knowing what I was asking. “It is unknown what exactly happened. But both ladies had no reason not to do such a thing. The Lady Nephthys for his insult. The Lady Isis had quickened with Horus at the time and no longer needed Osiris. And it was easier to blame one who was not blameless.”

  “A divorce would have been easier,” I said. “And not finding that piece was just mean or justice, depending on who did it.”

  “Eaten by a hippo,” Sutekhgen said solemnly. “A pity.”

  “But isn’t that one of the animals sacred to Set?” How did I know that?

  “He isn’t one not to take advantage of the situation.” Sutekhgen grinned. “And that is also the reason he ruled over the Red and Black Lands when Horus was a child.”

  “He was a wise ruler.” I frowned, wondering how I knew that.

  “We have no more time, Beloved,” Sutekhgen said, hugging me. “The face will never change, though the name and the time will.”

  I woke up then, the dawn just breaking. I knew I would get no more sleep and, more importantly, answers, from Sutekhgen that night.