I'm Not Who You Think I Am

by Felicitas Ivey

  I’d been doing it for a couple of minutes when Uncle Yushua came over and tapped me on the shoulder. I whirled around with the butter knife in my hand.

  Uncle Yushua stared down. I looked down too, and then dropped the knife. It clattered on the floor. I felt every eye in the kitchen on me, and I wanted to burst into tears.

  “I’m sorry,” I quavered, gulping air and trying not to panic.

  I’d had the knife poised to gut him. Not that it would have done much damage with the blunted tip. I’d have needed a real knife to kill him, and why was I thinking like this? Was it because of the conversation I’d had last night with Sutekhgen? I did need to tell Uncle Yushua and Harper about those two dreams.

  “I startled you,” he said slowly. “It is I who need to ask forgiveness.”

  I didn’t understand all he said, because it was either Farsi or Arabic, to cover my lapse into Ancient Egyptian from Xiu. But I didn’t think she was going to believe I’d learned a new language in a couple of days. She was going to learn what was going on, so why was he bothering?

  “Ms. Taron would pass you in a second for such a good defense,” Xiu said. She had leaned over the counter to see better. She seemed to be ignoring he wasn’t speaking English.

  Rat looked worried and seemed to have moved so that he could tackle me if he needed to. Harper had disappeared, so there was at least one person who wasn’t seeing my outburst.

  That snapped the spell I was under, and I wanted to groan. I had been singing in Egyptian.

  I wanted to ask what I had been singing, but my uncle shook his head slightly. He didn’t want to talk about this in front of Xiu. Hopefully she didn’t notice the lapse.

  I bent down to pick up the knife.

  “Toss it in the sink and use this one,” Rat told me, handing me another knife. “Not that the floor is dirty, but I don’t believe in the five-second rule.”

  “He’s much too polite to mention cat fur.” Uncle Yushua smiled. “It’ll stick to the butter on the knife, no matter how far away it is. Cat fur is magical that way.”

  Harper came back into the kitchen, dressed for work. He took a look at all of us. “Did I miss anything?”

  “Nice suit,” Xiu said, looking him up and down. “What is it that you do?”

  “I’m a librarian,” he said.

  “A very fashionable one.” She nodded. “So what was your dissertation about?”

  Harper looked at her and then me. I shrugged. “She wants to look for it so she can read it.”

  “I don’t think that’ll be very interesting,” he stalled.

  “A Nightingale girl is to be well versed in many subjects,” Xiu said, quoting the school’s website. It was true, since the school’s curriculum leaned toward a mixture of sciences and literature, covering the foundation of the traditional liberal arts, grounded in the medieval university tradition of the trivium and quadrivium. “She can hold her own in almost any discourse, from classical literature to modern politics.”

  “She just read everything she wants to know about my uncle’s research,” I said. “She’s not going to stop there. You might as well give in. Xiu’s very goal-oriented.”

  “I have no papers, thesii, or dissertations for you to find,” Rat said, trying to break the sudden tension in the room.

  “What is the plural of thesis?” Xiu asked. “Is it like penis and goes to penes or does it really take an ii ending?”

  “I’d have to look that up,” I said.

  “I thought you’d have known the answer,” Xiu said, walking closer to me, cocking her head as she looked at me.

  “Off the top of my head, no,” I said.

  She nodded. “Fair enough.” She opened her mouth to say something else and then closed it, with a thoughtful look in her eyes.

  “Are you expecting me to look it up now? Because I need to do the toast,” I said.

  “Actually I should be making the toast, because you just showed me you’re failing at it.” Xiu grinned.

  “Be my guest,” I said, sweeping a hand in the direction of the toaster.

  “That means you get to toss the cat off the counter,” she said. “Your mother would have such a cow seeing her there.”

  “What has Hathor…?” I started, before saying hastily, “Yes, that’s one of the reasons we never had pets: my mother never liked the mess.”

  Hathor was the goddess whose animal was a cow, and why had my brain gone there?

  “I thought it was because there wasn’t one she could color-coordinate with the house,” Xiu prattled on. “My parents solved the ‘getting me a pet’ issue we had in first grade by having another brother for me to terrorize. I’ve found that’s much better than a puppy. Plus, they walk themselves after a while.”

  Xiu on a roll caused me to relax. She would chatter for a while until she ran out of things to comment on or inquire about.

  “So, Harper, do you have any siblings?” Xiu asked, turning to face him. “Or even a last name? So I can look up everything you’ve ever published.”

  I groaned. Xiu wasn’t even trying to be subtle, not that I expected her to be. It was one of her charms.

  “My last name is Dalby,” Harper said with a tight smile. More like a grimace. “And no siblings or pets.”

  Xiu nodded and turned to Rat, her gaze boring into him. “So what’s your real name?”

  “If I tell you that, I’d have to kill you,” Rat intoned. He ruined the effect by grinning a moment later.

  “I like him,” Xiu announced, staring for a moment. “I think I’ll keep you.”

  “In the manner I want to become accustomed to?” he quipped.

  “You can be my beard.” She grinned, obviously delighted he was playing along. “Would you be willing to convert to Buddhism?”

  “How do you know I’m not one?” he asked. “And since we’re both queer, won’t that be a little awkward?”

  She thought about it for a second. “I think you not being Chinese might be the bigger problem.”

  “Why don’t we wait for Xiu to get out of high school before we finish having this conversation,” Uncle Yushua said, looking a little uncomfortable.

  “You’ve already told your parents you’re gay,” I added.

  “Maybe Nainai might be—”

  “If you finish that sentence, I’m going to have to bleach my brain,” I said with a shudder.

  “You’re no fun,” Xiu said, sighing. “But again, the white-boy, non-Asian thing might be an issue.”

  Rat looked at his olive skin and chuckled. “Not that much of a white man.”

  Xiu nodded. “It looks like someone here stole all your whiteness.” She looked over at Harper.

  “Whatever do you mean?” he asked dryly.

  Xiu opened her mouth to say something but then started making the toast, since Rat was starting the scrambled eggs.

  “Is there anything you want to talk about?” Uncle Yushua murmured.

  I moved out of the kitchen, and he followed me. Harper made a move to follow us, but I shook my head. We needed to be a little circumspect here. Xiu wasn’t as oblivious as people seemed to think she was. All three of us disappearing would be noticeable, and she would try to overhear us. This looked like I was asking permission for her to stay. Uncle knew she was staying, whether he wanted her to or not.

  “What was I singing?” I asked as soon as we got out of earshot. I walked over to the windows in the living room, looking out over the ocean.

  “I think it was a hymn to Set,” Uncle Yushua said. “Is there anything—”

  “I spent most of the night ‘dreaming,’” I said, making air quotes when I said the word dreaming. “It was interesting.”

  “You look like you haven’t slept, which was part of the reason Rat took you out running. I think he hopes to tire you out so you don’t dream.”

  I snorted. “I don’t think it works that way. Sutekhgen’s just being a controlling jerk who can only talk to me in dreams.”

  “A c
ontrolling what?” Uncle Yushua asked. “I didn’t understand the last word.”

  I jerked my head over to stare at him in horror. I would have sworn I’d said the word jerk.

  “It’s gotten worse,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what to do.”

  He sounded devastated. I moved to give him a hug. “It’s not your fault,” I said to his chest. “You…. He’s the one who’s being a pushy bastard.”

  “Breakfast’s ready,” Xiu announced loudly.

  I looked over at her, and she was frowning. Uncle Yushua hugged me again and moved toward the kitchen. I followed him. Xiu touched my arm as I walked past.

  “You need to tell me what’s going on,” she hissed. “Because that didn’t look too good to me.”

  I sighed. “Nothing’s going on.”

  Xiu muttered under her breath. I couldn’t catch what she was saying, but it sounded like she was cursing me out in whatever dialect of Chinese her grandmother spoke sometimes. I waited for her to say something I could understand, but she just turned and walked back to the kitchen.

  I followed her, feeling a little guilty about not telling her everything, but getting her involved with what was happening wasn’t a good idea. Just what I was going to do to get her out of here wasn’t popping into my mind immediately, and the longer she stayed, the greater the chance she would be sucked into this. But I knew her well enough to know she wasn’t going to go home or anyplace else without me unless I tranquilized her.

  Breakfast was a little awkward for me. I wasn’t really hungry and just kept pushing my food around on the plate. That caused both Xiu and Uncle Yushua to frown at me. I ate a couple of bites to make them happy. I wasn’t up to having them nag me about taking care of myself.

  “So what’s on the agenda for the day?” Xiu asked, when she thought I’d eaten enough. “After I change and take a shower because hugging a really sweaty person isn’t smart.”

  “Shouldn’t you get some sleep?” Rat asked.

  Xiu chuckled. “And are you going to leave My-My with me?”

  Uncle Yushua and Harper looked amused at the nickname.

  “Nope,” Rat drawled. “Dragging her off to the salt mines, as soon as we load the dishwasher.”

  “Then I’m going with her,” she said brightly. “I can go for a while without sleep.”

  “She can,” I informed them. “Finals were a nightmare this year.”

  “The look on Mrs. Gagnon’s face when we presented our science projects was priceless,” she giggled. “I loved that she was our last one. It made it all so much better.”

  “Just because you were showing her the results of self-deprivation, which was the topic of your paper,” I said. “You know she’s not going to let you get away with something like that next year.”

  “I’ll leave that for next year,” she said, waving my protest away.

  “What was your project about?” Rat asked.

  I shrugged. “Tensile strength of different fibers.”

  Xiu had gotten an A, mainly because I think Mrs. Gagnon had been afraid not to give her one given what she looked like. I’d gotten a respectable B+. It had also been an excuse to buy lots of different types of yarn, so it was a win for me.

  “We’ll meet you at the Shawmut,” I promised him. “Xiu needs to shower and stuff.”

  The three of them shared a look.

  Xiu laughed. “My-My is going to stall, hoping I fall asleep. And when I don’t, she’ll reluctantly let me tag along.” She snorted at the looks of disbelief her announcement caused. “Listen, she’d have me mainlining warm milk to put me down, if she didn’t know I was lactose intolerant.”

  “Tried and failed on that,” I agreed. I’d accepted she was going to be a burr in my side. Actually, keeping her in sight might protect her. I hoped.

  “Shower and then you’re going over?” Rat asked.

  Xiu and I nodded.

  “I’m going to head back to my apartment, then, and I’ll see you over there,” he said.

  “Let me get dressed, and then we can take the train together,” Uncle Yushua agreed.

  Harper looked at everyone. “Then I should leave now so we don’t all show up at the same time.”

  Xiu looked at him when he said that, before turning to me. “So show me where the shower is. Because it’s more than the bathrooms on that train, which were disgusting. I need a shower too.”

  Chapter Eleven

  WE TOOK the T over to the Shawmut, and instead of walking, we used the university’s shuttle from the T station to its campus to get there. It didn’t save us much time, but we didn’t have to walk that far in the heat. The first issue I ran into was trying to get Xiu past an unmoving Gin, who didn’t think Xiu should darken her institute. Xiu wasn’t taking any of her attitude. The battle of the wills was fascinating.

  Xiu looked down her nose at Gin. “I am Kay’s therapy human, and so I will be sticking close to her.”

  I just looked sincere while Xiu rolled out her lines, even though I’d had no idea what she was going to say. That was my job, straight-person to her con-person, to use the socially acceptable terminology. Neither one of us were men, so we didn’t need to be referred to as one. I sensed Rat watching this encounter from the third-floor balcony, probably trying not to laugh.

  “Therapy human?” Gin echoed.

  “Are you not allowing me to accompany my therapy person who needs me?” Xiu demanded. “Don’t you know that is in violation of several federal laws?”

  Gin looked like she was going to crack on that one but rallied at the last minute. “You aren’t wearing a vest stating your status,” she pointed out, disdain dripping from her words.

  “Don’t you think labeling people is an archaic and prejudicial practice? One which is also against a different set of federal laws?” Xiu intoned, straightening her back further.

  “This is a private institute—” Gin started.

  “She will quote you entire sections of both laws. Do you want to listen to her?” I interrupted. “I promise she isn’t destructive.”

  “I stopped chewing on furniture days ago,” Xiu said.

  “You are so not helping,” I scolded.

  She shrugged. “I promise not to break out in show tunes or pee on the books.”

  I groaned. “You are really not helping. I’m tempted to stick you in Uncle’s office. Nothing in there is in English.”

  “Boring…,” she drawled. “I’ve already read everything he’s written. I’m looking for something new.”

  “You’ve read everything Dr. Rostami has published?” Gin demanded.

  Xiu shrugged. “I may have missed an article or two, but everything I could find. I want to look up some of the things he referenced.”

  Gin nodded. “I’ll let you in here for the day. If you don’t behave….”

  Xiu grinned. “Even Dr. Rostami won’t be able to save me.”

  XIU STARTED to fidget as I tried to concentrate. I kept losing the thread of what I was reading because I was too aware of her. Kyle was also annoyed by her fidgeting.

  “You know, you can do something else,” I said after a couple of minutes. “Go outside and get some fresh air on the roof garden.”

  “I feel useless,” she said. “Besides, I don’t have any sunscreen on me.”

  “Just read something,” I encouraged.

  “Read what?” she asked. “I know the librarians don’t actually want to trust me with a book. Even if it’s in English and was mass produced. Or was something like a coloring book.”

  “You must have a book on your phone or a game you can play,” I said.

  “But…,” Xiu protested.

  “You know if you continue to bother me, I’m going to insist we eat at one of those Asian fusion places that are so popular. There’s a couple within walking distance of Uncle’s.”

  Xiu shuddered. “You wouldn’t.”

  “I wouldn’t?” I challenged with a slight smile.

  Xiu sighed and pulled out h
er phone, muttering in Mandarin, “You’re evil. A demon. And a dozen other things I can’t say in mixed company.”

  “And that’s why you love me,” I replied in the same language, turning the page on the tome in front of me.

  Kyle looked at us with a confused expression, but I ignored him. I had my hands full with dealing with a bored Xiu.

  “You know, I need some help,” he said as Xiu continued to fidget, even staring at her phone.

  “What kind of help?” Xiu drawled.

  He shoved a book at her. “I’m looking for a reference to a Third Dynasty pharaoh named Huni.” He thrust a piece of paper at her. “These are the hieroglyphs that make up his name.”

  Xiu rolled her eyes and started looking. “You know I can do a lot more than this,” she grumbled.

  “I don’t have anything for you to proof,” Kyle said. “I’m desperate enough to have my parents read it, just so I don’t make a fool out of myself.”

  “I’ll tell you, you can’t get a better person than me to proof your thingie,” Xiu bragged. “But where’s your advisor?”

  “He thinks that I should have gone with him to Egypt last spring,” Kyle said. “I couldn’t. So he’s mad at me, even though I managed to get him out of there when he ran into trouble. If I could get another advisor, I would.”

  “That sucks,” Xiu said. “And if he has any pull, he could block you forever.” She wrinkled her nose. “I hate academic politics.”

  BY THE end of the day, Xiu had a pile of paper in front of her, as well as a couple of books. Kyle was a lot more relaxed when Uncle Yushua came to tell us he was leaving.

  Xiu looked up at him and smiled. “Can we go back on our own, Uncle?”

  I looked up from what I was reading. “It’s not closing time, is it?”

  He shook his head. “I just need to run a couple of errands.”

  “We can find our way to the condo later,” I said.

  “You must want some alone time too,” Xiu said.

  Kyle and I groaned.

  “And you people have your mind in the gutter,” Xiu said. “I’ve got five nosy brothers and an overbearing nainai. Getting a moment of privacy is almost impossible.”