by S. E. Hall
He smiles and laughs. “Yeah, Laney, that sounds good. Now relax and quit worrying. Can you do that?”
It seemed like a rhetorical question so I don’t answer him.
“No harm will come to you whenever I’m around, I swear it. Welcome to college, Laney; welcome to life.”
“Game on!” Sawyer yells from the living area.
So apparently the game is 21 Questions, and not as trite as Truth or Dare. Sure. Bennett has claimed the spot right beside Tate on the couch, and I do mean right beside him. Sawyer grabs the chair and Dane and I sit on the floor on opposite sides of the coffee table. We all had to put four questions in the cup, which is only 20 questions, but no one seemed to care. If you refuse to or can’t answer a question, you do a shot. I’ve never done a shot, but I’m pretty smart, so I’m not too worried.
“Okay, ladies first, one of you draw and we’ll go clockwise.”
Bennett’s hand is in the cup before Sawyer finishes his directions. “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” She blushes when she finishes reading.
I choke a bit on my sip of Dew. Clearly I didn’t know the kind of questions to expect! Looks like my GPA won’t be saving me from shots tonight. Shit.
“Um.” She looks to the ceiling and taps her chin. Well, shit, she’s going to answer, and she appears to have to think about it! “Fifteen.”
I subtly tap my chest so I don’t choke on my bite of pizza and stare at the ground.
“Sixteen.” Not Sawyer’s question, but he shares with the class.
“Fourteen! Mitzi Shawn, beat ya both!” Tate adds while giving Sawyer a fist bump.
Neither Dane nor I say a word. It wasn’t my question, so I’m pretty sure it doesn’t apply, but I will drink the whole damn bottle before I answer with “not applicable.”
“OK, my turn.” Tate draws his slip. “When’s the last time you got laid and by who?” WTF! PLEASE let me draw one of my own questions. “Well, it was about three weeks ago, but I don’t kiss and tell, except about Mitzi,” he laughs, “so I’ll do the shot.” And he does.
Dane’s turn is next, and I already feel sorry for him; Lord knows what it will say.
“What are your three favorite Disney movies?” He looks at me and a genuine smile lights up his face, it takes up the whole room. “Hmmm, I wonder whose question this is? Could it be, could it be…the little cutie in the princess pajamas?” He winks at me. “Let’s see…I’m gonna go with Toy Story…” Classic boy pick. “Monsters, Inc…” Great choice. “And… oh, of course, The Fox and the Hound.”
“Oh my God, dude, you’re a fag.” Sawyer throws a wadded up napkin at him.
Dane just shrugs his shoulders and sneaks a peek at me. I’m just staring at him. I really liked his answer.
My turn. I could possibly throw up right now… “What would be your ideal date?”
“Oh yay, I was hoping you’d draw that!” Bennett squeals and claps.
I think of Evan, all the times we went to eat, to prom, fishing…were those ideal? I have no idea, but they were to me because Evan was there. Would I enjoy those things without him? Probably not, but he’s gone and I haven’t enjoyed much lately. I don’t even really like softball anymore. I feel tears welling up…strangers, people examining me, it’s all too much.
“I’ll take the shot,” I say and do just that. It burns, just like the backs of my eyes. I look up and Dane has me locked in his gaze, but he doesn’t say a word.
Sawyer also draws one of mine. “What makes you happiest? Laney, did you ask one dirty question?” He gives me a teasing scowl.
“That could be a dirty question, depending on your answer!” I stick my tongue out at him, earning a laugh from everyone.
“Pussy, beer, and sports make me happiest, probably in that order.” Sawyer is a pig, but in a “he’ll grow on ya” kind of way.
After a few more rounds, I know way too much about everyone. I downed two shots and revealed nothing important or embarrassing, as Dane and Bennett went easy on the questions, too.
Finally Dane stands. “Guys, it’s getting late. Let’s go so these ladies can get to bed.”
“You don’t have to leave yet, right, Laney?” Bennett pleads at me with her eyes.
I say nothing because I’m tired.
“Tate, come on, man. Sawyer, get your ass up and say goodnight.”
Tate leans over to whisper in Bennett’s ear when she sees him to the door and Sawyer shuffles out, mumbling, after giving me an awkward hug.
Dane stops and turns to me. “Night, Disney, hope tonight was okay for you.”
A nickname? Already? Not sure he’s earned that privilege yet, but it’s such a good one that I let it slide.
“Yeah, no worries. It was fun.” I shrug.
“You’re lying to me. Half of the questions horrified you.” He laughs.
“Nah, some of them were funny. It was…different, good different.”
“Well then, I’m glad. Sweet dreams.”
I go to bed without calling Evan, not even a text, because I feel guilty, although I’m not sure why. He does the same, apparently, and that makes it hard to fall asleep.
A PICTURE’S WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
It’s raining when I wake up, a perfect Saturday. There’s coffee made and Bennett’s gone. A note says she’ll be home later tonight; she’s off working on her play. I move slowly, picking up the room and bagging up my laundry, and then take a shower. I try to call Evan. It goes to voicemail, so I call home.
It’s so good to talk to Dad. I tell him all about my classes and Bennett. He, of course, asks about the team and the coach. I keep my tone enthusiastic before finally telling him I love him and will see him soon.
Completely out of things to do now, I decide to go get in some swings in the indoor practice arena. I’m not really motivated about ball, but I literally have nothing else to do and at least it’s something I “know.”
I was always content at home, but now it feels like I’m disconnected from myself. Nothing seems really right or really wrong, but I know I’m just going through the motions. I miss home. I miss Evan and all that was constant, safe, and familiar.
But then there’s this other little voice in the background that hates that everyone around me seems comfortable, making the most of college, friends, parties, whatever…I’m stuck in the middle, of out of my zone but afraid to explore the other side.
I swing until I’m drenched in sweat and my arms are rubbery and then head back to the dorm. Two hours and another shower later, Bennett still isn’t home. I still have no homework and my call to Evan goes to voicemail again. Okay, now it’s bugging me. Evan’s never missed two of my calls in a row, but I simply cannot bring myself to send a text, too. Don’t be that girl, Laney. I should be happy that he obviously has more to keep him busy than I do; above all, I do want him happy.
Not sure how or why, but I find myself knocking on the door of room 114.
Tate answers and smiles warmly. “Hey, Laney, what’s up? Come on in.” He moves aside for me to enter, but I remain in the hall. Baby steps and all.
“No, I’m good, um, just seeing what was going on?” I can’t force my gaze up off the floor and am already regretting my bold decision to come down here.
“Nobody’s here but me, but the boys should be back any minute. You wanna wait?”
“No, that’s okay. Just tell them all I came by to say hi, okay?”
“You sure you don’t wanna wait?”
I turn to start back towards my room, and low and behold, Dane’s striding towards me carrying a guitar. Of course he’s carrying a guitar, that’s quintessential for the evil boy tempter, right?
“Well hello there, Disney, looking for anyone in particular?” One eyebrow cocks, accompanied by that all-consuming grin. His hair is messy and his jeans hang low; he’s a tempter all right.
Why are you here, Laney? You’re mad Evan hasn’t answered? Is this his payback? Go do all the things you prophesized he would do
when you were apart? Nice, Laney.
“I just came by to see what was up. I’m bored out of my mind. Bennett’s out and you guys are the only people I know.” Not sure why I’m rambling. Not sure why I’m standing here.
“As flattering as that is, I’ll take it.” He’s smiling, so he’s not insulted. It sounded better in my head. “Come on in.”
Without Bennett backup, I’m not going in their room…so why had I come? “I’m good, I just…well, anything fun going on tonight? Bennett will be home soon, I’m sure she’d love to do something.”
“No set plans here, you got anything?” He looks to Tate, who is texting away.
“Bennett’s home in about an hour, says she’s down for whatever.” Guess we know who he was texting.
“Perfect.” Dane glances at me. “So Disney, you’re brave enough to saunter down here; you brave enough to set the agenda?”
Am I? Yes, I am. Too bad I have no clue what would be fun. Not only have I not spotted a pond nearby, but these boys don’t strike me as fishermen. Something tells me a movie marathon won’t fly either, and I could use a change. “Social coordinator isn’t my forte, so feel free to override me.” I glance at his guitar. “How about Chinese takeout and music trivia?”
“For shots?” Tate asks hopefully.
“Of course,” I spout definitively. There’s no way I’m losing at music trivia.
“Okay, hostess with the mostest, your room, hour and a half?” Dane’s face lights up.
“Sounds good, bring your guitar.” We’re gonna see what he’s got.
Feeling guilty, at a loss as to why exactly, I text Evan when I’m back in my room.
Laney: Tried calling you x2, got voicemail. Evrythng okay? Bout to hang in room w/ frnds, miss you.
Bennett bursts in shortly after, practically foaming at the mouth. In spurts, while getting ready like a banshee, she declares her undying love for me setting this up tonight. I can’t help but smile to myself. I’m actually looking forward to it, too.
The 114 lads arrive right on time, minus Sawyer, and I let them in…while holding a crab rangoon. I couldn’t wait. They both offer to pay me back for the food, which I dismiss, and we all settle in comfortably.
“Thanks for the invite, Laney,” Tate says and throws a casual arm across my shoulder. “I was kinda surprised, you seem kinda shy.”
“You’re welcome. It’s nice to have something to do.” I don’t address the shy comment; I don’t know what to say. “Sawyer knows he was invited, too, right?”
Dane coughs and shoots Tate a look, which I sure hope he doesn’t think was subtle. Tate awkwardly answers. “He had to work tonight.”
“Oh, where does he work?” Neither answer me before my cell phone dings and I race to it, elated. It’s not from Evan though, rather Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn: Thought you’d get a kick out of your crazy boy
The picture that follows gives me a kick square in the gut. Why would she send this to me? She’s got to be drunk, thinking this would be funny. It’s anything but. The sting moves throughout my body, starting at my toes and working up, tears threatening to spill. My sweet, classy Evan appears to be taking a shot from between the smashed boobs of a well-endowed blonde. Her barely there tank top is pulled down to “hold” his drink and his face is all up in that. His hands are braced on both her hips, just below the edges of a skirt riding ridiculously high as she lies back on a table.
How thoughtful of my friend Kaitlyn to capture this moment for me. Gritting my teeth, I try to remind myself that Evan can do whatever he wants; we’d discussed this at length. I have no right to be upset or jealous. The “spread your wings and fly” plan was mine. I just never thought he’d fly so far so fast. And I didn’t think I’d have to see it.
Shaking my head as though that’s going to erase the image, I snap loudly at everyone. “Let’s play some trivia!”
Turns out Dane is a really good guitarist and has a broad range of musical knowledge. I don’t stump him via iPod and he doesn’t trip me up via his strings. Bennett and Tate are barely even playing, and are either shameless, or have forgotten Dane and I are in the room. Despite the brick in my gut and the many times I find my mind wandering back to the picture, I’m actually having a pretty good time. Dane is great company, keeping me laughing and guessing. His talent and obvious passion for music is infectious, and his competitive streak, matched only by mine, is hilarious.
“Okay, Maestro, let’s see if there’s a song you can’t play,” I tease him.
He waits calmly, no remark.
Think, Laney, a song where you feel the guitar… “How about ‘The Cave’ by Mumford and Sons?”
I think I’ve got him, but he jumps right into it. He plays flawlessly, even singing along. It’s amazing, beautiful, and I can’t deny how it captivates me. He winks when he’s done and holds my eyes, waiting for me to speak.
“That was amazing, Dane.” I clear my throat to continue in more than a raspy whisper. “You’re very good, and I, sir, am impressed. Let me guess, you’re in a band?”
“Nope, no band.”
“And no college?”
“No college.”
“So what do you do?”
He laughs softly. “Nothing important.”
“Bullshit, Dane, you—” Tate starts but Dane cuts him off fiercely.
“I answered her, bro.”
I don’t pry further and the night, which really was fun, soon comes to a close.
NIGHTMARE
When the team sets out to initiate the freshmen, they’re not playing around. Last night was so insane I barely remember most of it. Looking around slowly, I shield my eyes from the light creeping through the blinds. It takes a minute to realize I’d actually made it to my own room somehow.
Groggily sitting up, despite the cracked-out drummer in my head, I try to remember how I got home. After about the fourth or fifth tequila shot via the chest of a Bulldog Babe, everything gets a little fuzzy. I’ve never been a big drinker, but when the upperclassmen on your college football team summon you to an initiation party, you go. I just hope I didn’t make too big of a fool of myself.
I amble up to go use the bathroom and stop cold.
No, no, no…please say I’m still drunk and this isn’t happening.
Kaitlyn Michaels, Laney’s best friend, is standing just across the room in panties and my t-shirt. I look down at myself quickly—only underwear. Oh fucking hell, this has to be a nightmare. Why is she here? What happened? This couldn’t be worse. Laney will never buy the drunk excuse or forgive me. I’m pretty sure screwing friends wasn’t part of our deal.
I swallow down the bile, slowly looking up, gagging again when I meet Kaitlyn’s too-bright smile. She looks way too fucking happy and my gut coils. I might really throw up if this shit doesn’t start making sense real quick. Did I sleep with Kaitlyn? Surely not, you couldn’t get me that drunk, right?
She must see the question in my face because she clears her throat, beckoning my eyes to meet hers once again. “Relax, Evan, nothing happened. I’m an old friend; I just made sure you got home safe.”
Trying to wake up, I shake my head. “Then why are we in our underwear? And why are you still here?”
“I wasn’t gonna sleep in tight party clothes and you took your own stuff off. And thank you, but I didn’t think you’d want me driving back alone that late, so I crashed. You’re welcome, by the way,” she huffs and crosses her arms across her chest.
Oh, now she’s acting pissed and offended. Is she insane??? Laney will kill us both! This would be the worst betrayal possible—me and Kaitlyn. God help us if she ever finds out. We’ll both lose her forever. Yes, Kaitlyn got me home safe and I appreciate that, but shit—call me a cab, don’t spend the night in my room! I’d rather die in a ditch than lose Laney.
“Don’t get mad, Kaitlyn. I’m not trying to be mean, this is just weird and a lot to take in. I really do appreciate you looking out for me. And I’m glad nothing happened.�
�� I go to grab water, my throat dry and tight. I turn back to Kaitlyn, full desperation in my voice. “I don’t think we should mention this to Laney. We didn’t really do anything wrong, but it’d be hard for her to understand. Right?”
“Of course, Evan,” she snips as she gathers her things. “I won’t tell Laney. I don’t see why not, though, aren’t you guys just friends now? That’s what I was being, a good friend.”
“You’re right, you were. Thanks, I mean it.” I pause to see what else she’s going to say, but after too long an awkward silence, I speak up. “So, I’m gonna go take a shower. Thanks again. Guess I’ll see ya around?”
She smiles and walks to the door, but there’s still a defensive air coming off her. “Yeah, Evan, I’ll see ya around.”
I stay in the shower for way too long, trying to assess the situation. Nothing happened. Kaitlyn was just being a good friend. We agreed not to tell Laney and upset her over nothing. It’s all gonna be okay.
Yup, everything will be fine.
HOME BITTERSWEET HOME
Leaving ball on Monday, my phone rings and I know it’s Evan before I answer.
“Well hello, stranger.”
“Baby girl, how are you? I missed you.”
I tell him I’m good and I’ve missed him, too. He explains how he lost his phone and just got a new one today. All I want to do is ask him about the picture I saw. I want to tell him how bad it hurt me, how disgusting it was, but I don’t. Evan needs to enjoy college, be free, and have fun…whatever that means to him.
That doesn’t mean I can’t test the water, though, and see if he’ll tell me on his own. “So, how was your weekend?”
“Okay, I guess, had speed camp mostly, hung out for a while Saturday night, nothing much. What’d you do?”
Nope, he’s not going to tell me. The irony is not wasted on me. What took us years to build, a strong foundation that withstood any element, has just suffered its first crack. It took a fraction of the time.
