by S. E. Hall
“I did the Hall Crawl Friday night; it pretty much sucked. Saturday I swung a while then hung out and Sunday I did laundry.” All true.
We make plans to meet at home for the long Labor Day weekend coming up. I may be upset over the picture, but there’s no way I’m passing up a chance to see him. He’s still my best friend in the whole world, and I miss him.
Bennett calls during my drive home Friday night begging me to come back a day early and go out with her. Apparently something called “The K” will be “kickin’” because of the long weekend. Tate can’t make it, but she “reaaallllyyyy” wants to go. She’s working on our fake IDs right now.
I told her I’d see. I’m not sure when Evan’s heading back, and I’m not leaving one minute before he does. Also, I have yet to go to a college party, and I’ve never heard of “The K,” so I’m a bit hesitant. I tell her I’d call her the next day or so.
I get home before Evan since I have a way shorter drive, so I have lots of time to get settled in and catch up with my Dad. He’s such a good man. I’ve never understood why he never dated after my mother took off. Once I asked him if he was lonely and he had a simple answer: “Now how could I be lonely when I have you? I already have the most beautiful, wonderful girl in the world.”
He loved my mother with all he was. He tried to ignore for so long how she’d simply “checked out” on us long before she actually left, but I’d known for a while that she wasn’t in the room even when she was sitting right beside me. I couldn’t believe she’d actually left. I didn’t know moms actually did that, but she did. We haven’t heard from her since, and we’ve never left that house, so she simply doesn’t want to talk to us, ‘cause we damn sure aren’t hard to find.
Since that day, it’s been just me and Dad; every meal, every holiday, just us. His parents are both gone and I have no idea about her parents; they, too, are ghosts. He got me into playing ball, something he knew well and could relate to me with. He taught me how to fish, how to cook simple things, and how to be strong and self-sufficient. I may have been burned by my mother, but between my father, Evan, and even Parker, I’m set. I struck gold with the men in my life.
After we ate the spaghetti I made, he headed off for guitar night, a.k.a. old men sitting in a shed drinking beer. One may pick up a guitar and strum at some point, ergo “guitar night.” He didn’t need to skip it just because I was home, Evan will be here soon.
While I wait, I make up a meatloaf and a pot of chili for Dad. He can freeze them both and they’ll last him at least a week of good eating. Then I wash all his bedding and clean the bathrooms, things he would never think of. I’ve gotta take care of my Daddy.
Finally, around ten, Evan appears at my door. I jump into his arms, wrapping my arms around him and smashing my face into his neck, ugly snapshots forgotten. God, I missed him so much.
He catches me and laughs, running his hands up and down my back. “I missed you, too, princess.” He kisses my hair and sighs.
I pull him to the couch; I just want to hold him. We stay there for hours, as though my cheek can’t leave his chest and his hands never leave some part of me. It would be so much harder to leave him this time, now that I know how bad it can actually be and what he does while he’s gone. I wonder if he feels it, too.
REMEDY
It feels so damn good to have her back in my arms. I’ve missed her more than I thought possible. She’s always been the part of every day that I get up for, that I look forward to. Life just doesn’t mean as much without her in it.
I knew it’d be hard; we’ve been together so long, the two sides of one coin. But there’s no way I could have possibly foreseen the exact magnitude of emptiness I’d feel. She looks the same, but there’s something different about her; a sadness in her eyes, a different air about her. I pray she hasn’t been half as miserable as me; I’d never want that for her. I always pray she’s accidentally woken up with a guy in her room…of course she hasn’t, my sweet girl…God, I’m a dick. The guilt is consuming me but I can’t tell her. I can’t risk losing her altogether.
College is okay so far. The football team is great. My roommate and new friends are cool, there’s always something to do, but she never leaves my mind. It’s always there—what’s she doing, who’s she with, does she miss me, when can I see her again. It always finds a way into my thoughts.
When I lost my phone, I went nuts making up scenarios in my mind. Last I knew, she was at that damn dorm tour thing, and then my phone was gone. Was she at a party doing shots, letting guys doing shots off her, like I was? The whole “do as I say, not as I do” shit is driving me insane.
I should have stepped outside the party and called her from Kaitlyn’s phone. I should have gone home. I should have never gone. I should have followed her to Southern. All those years, I’d never outright lied to Laney, and now I have. Omission is lying. I know it and so does she. There’s so much I can’t bring myself to tell her and the bigger the pile of secrets gets, the worse I feel.
Just a few months ago, we knew everything about each other. Nothing and nobody came between us. She was the first person I talked to each morning and the last sweet voice I heard before I went to sleep. When I planned my day, I knew she’d be in it. Everything now is tainted.
Laney had been exactly right about the challenges we would face; college girls are maniacs. And don’t forget the Bulldog Babes. They’re the cheer squad, and part of their “job” is taking care of the football team. Our laundry, our homework, cleaning our room, cleaning our pipes…you name it. I’m a freshman, so I get less attention, basically whatever time Courtney, the redhead assigned to me, has left after taking care of one of the senior linemen. I avoid her like the plague.
I’d thought I knew about temptation and women—hell, I was something in high school—no comparison.
And Laney was THERE in high school. I could always see her, go to her, be around her; everything in the background was white noise. I’m not a sexual deviant. I don’t need to get laid, per se, but I need companionship.
Damn, I’m falling apart.
And what kills me the most—Laney is at college, too, with the exact same things going on around her. Any guy with a brain will always notice her first in a room, it’s inevitable. She’s breathtakingly beautiful. Faces like that don’t come along very often and her body doesn’t quit. She’s the real deal. Even before she speaks, you know she’s got something; it shines off her in beams. And the more she resists, which I know she will, the more of a challenge she becomes, and everyone knows how guys feel about a challenge. Yeah, I worry about her; I worry about us. Official or not, she’s mine. We’re us. Always.
Not tonight, though. Tonight I just want to hold her. I just want to be me and Laney. I want our heartbeats to sync. I want the smell of her hair to course through my body and bring me peace.
She moves to get up and I pull her back down.
Please don’t leave me, not yet. I just got you back.
“I’m just going to get a pillow and blanket. I’ll be right back.”
“I can go home if you want to go to bed, pretty.”
“You’re not going anywhere. You’re sleeping with me; under this roof or outside, I don’t care. The couch is plenty respectful.”
Sounds good to me. I’d sleep in a lion’s den right now if it meant her warmth beside me.
She comes back and snuggles into me; you couldn’t fit a piece of paper between us. Her soft hair and sweet face lay against my chest. Her legs are wrapped up in mine and I can feel her little breaths against my neck as I rub her back and kiss the top of her head again and again. I know she’s still awake, but neither of us speak. It’s as if sound would pop the bubble around us, but I can’t hold it in any longer.
“Laney, I love you.”
She raises her hand to my cheek and gazes at me. Her eyes are glassy and I can see the tears she won’t let fall. “I know you do, Evan. I love you, too. I always will. You’re my best friend.”
> I’d kiss her right now, but there’s no way I’d stop at that, so instead I pull her into my chest and whisper, “We’ll figure it out, love, I promise.” Please don’t let me break this promise, too.
I hear her dad come in; he pauses but doesn’t say a word. I stay all night here with Laney and finally get a good night’s sleep.
DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD
The next day, Evan and I walk hand in hand across Parker’s field for a picnic. I know his family wouldn’t mind, as if they’d ever even know, we’re a good hundred acres from the house. I need some alone time with Evan and we need to talk, but the alone time first.
The sun is warm on our skin and the slight breeze is perfect. Evan carries the picnic basket I’ve packed while I cling to “my blanket,” which I dug out from behind his truck seat. I’ve sat under this navy blue blanket at more of Evan’s chilly football games that I can count, watching him do his thing. I smile a bit, despite the sadness that comes with the memories; this old blanket is about the only thing left that’s still in the place it belongs. I turn my gaze to Evan, forcing the melancholy thoughts away, refusing to waste even one minute of the time I actually have with him.
He looks so handsome today; his silky brown hair is messy from the wind and his sculpted body is showcased in a tight gray shirt and faded jeans. He takes the blanket from me and spreads it out, sitting first. “Come here to me, sweet girl.” He stretches his hand out to help me settle down beside him. His gentle respect for me never gets old.
Lying back on the blanket, looking into his eyes, our hands joined between our bodies, I know that I will always be connected to Evan. Without having to say the words, we both know the other is hurting. Now that we’re together, we can’t wait another minute to show our love; to heal what we can for one another.
Evan rolls over on his side to face me, tucking my hair behind my ear. My heart and soul respond, all of me relaxing. He moves over my body and kisses me passionately, whispering sweet words, but in it I can feel the heartache. He runs his hand up and down my body, like he’s memorizing every part. “I need to feel close to you, Laney,” he says, his voice deep.
This boy. This amazing boy loves me platonically, romantically, physically, spiritually. Nothing he does is ever to hurt me. His eyes don’t lie and he can’t hide from me when I look into them. The pain I see there tugs at my heart. Can I fix the miles between us? No. Can I speed up time until being together again is an option? No. Can I ease his spirit right now? Absolutely. Running my finger along his jaw, soaking up his masculine beauty, I whisper, “My sweet Evan, I’ve missed you.”
He pulls one strap of my top down my shoulder, kisses along its path, and then flicks his gaze to mine. Soothing him that this is okay with me, I reach up and pull the other strap down for him, revealing my breasts to his lust-filled eyes. He leans down to run his tongue excruciatingly slowly over my nipples, tracing them, learning them. Arching into his mouth, I gasp his name and a low rumble escapes from deep in his chest.
He makes me feel so good, so cherished. His hand moves up my thigh to the zipper on my pants, and I can feel the slight tremble and he sneaks his hand inside, teasing just along the edge of my panties.
“Ah, Laney, sweet Laney,” he moans as he rubs against me.
I can feel how much he wants me. My hands refuse to slow down, taking in his back, his shoulders, his neck. His body is tense as I wrap my legs around his hips and push him into me harder with my heels.
Panting, he pulls back, reading my expression. “I need to touch you, angel.”
Of course this is going to confuse us even more, make the distance more harsh, but I’ll be damned if I can stop myself now. My chest heaves with my rapid breaths, my body writhing as I pull him even closer to me. “Do something before I go crazy,” I pout achingly.
His chuckle is light as his hand finds the spot where I need him most, pulling my panties to the side. One of his long fingers runs tentatively down my center and a tremor shoots through me. His mouth moves along my throat in open, wet caresses. “Being with you, Laney, nothing compares. Nothing ever will, my love.”
I grab him around the neck and pull his mouth to mine, kissing him with an uncontrolled fervor. His fingers move soft and slow, exploring me. That wicked tongue of his skims the shell of my ear, sending tremors to my core where his hand plays.
“You good, baby girl?” he breathes out.
“Never been better; don’t stop.”
He continues his mastery of my body, his thumb pressing the perfect spot, until I begin to shudder uncontrollably, devouring every inch of his mouth with my burning tongue. Within seconds, an ungodly moan rips from me as he takes me to heights I didn’t know existed.
I finally break our kiss to catch my breath, the mad fluttering in my thighs taking a minute to settle. Once my heartbeat returns to normal, I gently push him onto his back. “Let me love you.”
Pushing up his t-shirt, I kiss along his stomach and abs, licking every distinct line. His muscles tighten and ripple with every touch of my mouth, his breathing deep and anguished. When I’ve tasted every inch of his torso, I bestow sweet kisses down to the waist of his jeans. With my eyes locked boldly on his, I unbutton his pants. He lifts his hips to help me pull them, and his tight gray briefs, down.
Tossing them aside without a care in the world, I stare down at his bulging erection. His hand strokes my hair and I feel his eyes on me. Studying me? Memorizing this to replay in his dreams while we’re apart? Knowing he’s watching, I seductively nip my way back up the inside of his thigh, basking in the sounds he makes. His hands tighten on my hips as he groans out my name, spurring me on. I have no idea where I got my moves, it’s coming so naturally. I want to make him feel good and just go with my instincts, next running my tongue the length of his hardness.
“Oh God, Laney, yes.” His fingers dig into my scalp, moving my veil of hair back from my face. “I have to see you,” he says, his voice throaty and virile.
I move my mouth down over him, exploring with my tongue. When I’ve tested and teased him enough, I take in as much of him as I can. Obviously no expert, my reflex tells me when I’ve gone far enough and I immediately tell myself to breathe through my nose and relax.
This feels…erotic. Having him in my mouth, feeling him twitch in excitement, feels as good to me as I hope it does to him. One hand on his thigh to brace myself, I feel his muscles flex and I run my nails roughly up and down. Wrapping a hand around the rest of his long, thick length that I can’t love with my mouth, his hand joins mine. He shows me exactly what he wants; fast and hard.
“Oh sweet damn, Laney, that is so good.” His voice trembles just like his body. I look up at him and he’s staring back down at me with genuine love, silently telling me what this, between us, means. His hand runs through my hair. “Lil’ bit harder, baby.”
His suggestive words empower me and I show him what he does to me. I put as much love and want into my sensual discovery of him as possible. Soon he growls out, “I’m close, Laney, ah…p-pull back, baby.”
But I don’t move away. I take all he has to give me.
He’s even sexy when he pulls up his jeans and crouches down, pulling me back with him to the blanket. One hand draws lazy swirls on my belly as his erratic breathing settles. “You’re so amazing,” he whispers as I lay my head on his chest.
“So are you, Ev. I really needed today.” I sigh.
“The thought of being apart again is killing me, Laney. I don’t know if I can do this.”
Hot tears begin to fall; I know too well what he means. We just loved each other. It felt so right, but very soon this euphoria will be gone and ice cold misery will replace it. We both already feel it coming and it’s been mere minutes. Why is life so tough?
“I’m having a really hard time too, Evan,” I choke out. “It’s like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I’m lonely and miss you terribly, but that wouldn’t change if you were mine. You’d still be so far away and then I�
��d just have to add guilt if I had fun without you. I suspect you’re dealing with the same thing?” I peer up at him questioningly.
“I know exactly how you feel, precious girl.” He kisses the top of my head. “We’ve never been more than a stone’s throw apart. It’s going to be different and it sucks.”
“It’s not just that. I’ve met a few fun people, most are guys, and I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Then I wonder what you’re doing and it eats away at me, Evan.” I plead to him silently, tell me the answer, Evan.
We snuggle and talk and he opens up more; he felt the same way—worried and insecure about what I’m doing all the time. His social life is apparently a lot wilder than mine, and he’s forthcoming that I’d been scarily accurate about the temptations he faced. He doesn’t, however, admit anything specific, like what I saw in the picture. I say nothing. There’s absolutely no point. Sure, I can make him feel guilty or get mad, but enough with the merry-go-round.
“It’s not that I want them, Laney. I want you, but I can’t have you…and sometimes the thought crosses my mind that it’d feel good to fill the void. Not sex, just someone to hug or spend time with, but the thought of another man touching you makes me want to kill someone, so then I’m a hypocrite…a lonely, depressed hypocrite. Do you know what I’m trying to say?”
“Yes, I do. Evan, I want you to be happy. I want you to do whatever you want, whatever gets you by. Well, I mean, be careful.” I blush and let out a sarcastic snort. “Know that I don’t hold you to anything. We agreed. Just be happy.”
It feels like my heart is splitting in two and half of it will be heading back to Athens, but it’s also suddenly easier to take a deep breath. The thought of Evan with other girls makes me sick, but I know that isn’t his reasoning. That’s a surface issue to the deep emotional havoc, so I don’t outright ask him not to sleep with anyone. The thought of him sitting in the corners of rooms, sad and lonely, makes me so much sicker.
