Shhh...Mack's Side

by Jettie Woodruff

  “Hi, Mom,” I answered.

  “McKenzie, did you get your letter sent out?”

  I rolled my eyes and hit the walk button on Park Place. “I’ll do it when I get home. I have a job, you know.”

  “You said that when I called last week. You only have a month. Get it sent out, Mack. I don’t know what you’re waiting on.”

  “I will. I don’t need you to remind me.”

  “I’m sorry. I just don’t want that bastard getting out. I want him to live there for the rest of his life.”

  “Well, that’s not going to happen. He didn’t get life. Even if he doesn’t get out this time, he only has three more years. Besides, I’m in New York City. I’m not worried about him finding me.”

  “But aren’t you worried about him doing this to someone else? Look what he’s done to you. Look what he’s done to Gia.”

  “What do you mean? Have you talked to Melanie or Kyle? Did she say something about Gia?”

  “No. I haven’t heard from Melanie. I listed a house in Providence the other day. Mr. Porter. You remember him?”

  “Yes. He was our current events teacher. What did he say about Gia?” I didn’t care about her listing or bald Mr. Potter. I cared about Gia.

  “Well, he said he was at Candy Summer’s wedding. You remember her, right?”

  “Yes, mom. I hated her. Was Gia there?”

  “According to Mr. Potter, Gia showed up at the reception. I guess they had to make her leave. She was mess. Mr. Potter said she was all strung out on something.”

  “That’s not true, Mom,” I assured her. Gia would never be strung out on drugs. I knew Gia better than anyone knew Gia. I knew Gia better than Gia knew Gia. She would never let herself go like that. Gia had Jake. Jake loved Gia like nobody ever would. If the saying goes that everyone has a someone, Jake was that to Gia. I knew it since we were fifteen years old. We didn’t go sit in the baking sun every summer watching him toss a football around for nothing. Gia dragged me there every time he was at the field.

  Granted, Gia had several other boyfriends through the years, but she always ended back up with Jake. Jake took her V-card. Jake was the one she always went running back to. I remember how angry he was that day. He was escorted out by the police because they wouldn’t let him see her in the hospital.

  “I don’t understand, McKenzie.”

  “What?”

  “Why you don’t talk to her. Why you guys just stopped being friends. I don’t get it.”

  “You don’t talk to Melanie anymore. You haven’t for probably as long as Gia and me. Why not, Mom?”

  “I don’t know. Things just changed after that day.”

  I knew what changed. They blamed each other. I overheard a conversation, more like an argument. My mom was accusing her mom for not being more of a parent, for letting Gia run wild, and not holding her accountable when she got into trouble. My mom really didn’t have room to talk about Mel’s lack of parenting skills over Gia. My mother could have taken that award with flying colors. Like I said. That day changed a lot of people and nobody knew how to move on.

  “Can we not talk about that, or Gia? How’s dad? Did he decide to take the job in Texas?”

  “He’s still debating. It’s so far away from you. I don’t know if I like it. It’s not going to happen for a year, but we still need to decide.”

  “Mom, we talk once or twice a month. I haven’t been home in three years. You don’t have to worry about me, besides, you both hate the winters there.”

  “Yeah, I guess I’m ready. Maybe you’d come and visit more.”

  “I doubt it. I’m busy. I don’t really work like normal people.”

  “Your dad misses you.”

  Yeah, sure he did. That almost made me puke in my mouth a little. “I’ll call him. I got to go, Mom, my boss is calling me. I’ll talk to you in a few days,” I lied. I wasn’t calling my dad. My dad didn’t miss me. If he did, he would call. He didn’t call and he didn’t ask about me. She was lying, too. Everybody lied.

  “Write the letter.”

  “Yeah, okay. Bye.”

  Looking at the strange number, I ignored it. It was the same strange number that called me last week. Looking it up, I wondered if it was Gia. The online search said it was a Las Vegas number. Surely not. Gia wouldn’t be in Vegas, would she? She knew what was going on. The whole town knew what was going on. My mom had just told me about the petition circling, trying to keep him in prison. Gia had to know he was up for parole. I wondered how Gia felt about that. Was she okay with him getting out?

  “Oh my god. Thank you for being out so late,” I praised, walking to the food truck. Not just any food truck, it was my favorite food truck. I swear they had the best eggrolls in all of New York. I didn’t understand what the Chinese man said, but he understood me. I had my greasy smelling eggrolls. That was all that mattered.

  “Good evening.” Charles nodded, opening the door to my building.

  “Thank you, Charles.” I smiled with a nod to my nice doorman.

  I went about my night habitually. I ate one of the eggrolls, showered, and walked to the small balcony with a glass of wine. The evening air had a bit of a chill to it. I rubbed the forming goose bumps from my arms and sipped my wine, overlooking the twinkling the city.

  Looking down twenty-one stories, I wondered what would happen if an earthquake hit the city. Not just a little jolt. I’m talking huge, like the great Alaskan earthquake back in sixty-four. Closing my eyes, the wind blew my wet hair while I visualized it all being over. This life of hell being buried beneath dust, ash, and rubble. I opened my eyes after I placed my hands on the cold stone, keeping me from falling. I could have sworn I felt it shake.

  I went to bed thinking about Gia that night. Was she really at that party messed up on something? No. That was just the talk of the town. Shayla Harbor was always that like that. Gia and I couldn’t get away with anything without someone telling our dads. It was sort of like a small town inside of a big town. Providence was the closest place to any real action, besides the tourists that came in and out of Shayla Harbor.

  Gia and I used to bitch up a storm about the stupid tourists. We had nothing to see. It was just a quaint little town with breathtaking views of the Atlantic Ocean. Shayla Harbor relied on the tourists. All the little shops catered to the tourists, even our favorite little ice cream shop by the bay.

  It wasn’t really our favorite, just a good decoy for our parents. Our mothers used to make our dad’s take us there when we were little. We loved it then, but when we got older was when we really loved it. It was a bit of a hike, but secluded from everyone. Gia lost her virginity in that cove to Jake. I pretended to, but never went through with it. I never got into boys from school like she did.

  Gia and Jake walked around some of the bigger boulders to their spot, she called it. I was with Mitchell Simmons that day. I guess I just wasn’t ready. I immaturely squealed when I touched his erection. Gia doesn’t know this, of course. I never told her I didn’t go through with it. Of course, Mitch wasn’t going to disclose the information, either. He liked the fact that the whole school thought he took McKenzie Perry’s virginity. Any boy at school would have paid for that title.

  Rolling to my side, I willed myself to sleep. Closing my eyes and starting my relaxation technique, I prayed for sleep to take me. At least for an hour.

  I did sleep an hour. Exactly one hour. How much longer could I do this before I just collapsed?

  I made it a point to head out a little early the following morning. I was going to try the downers Lila had prescribed for me. Anything was worth a shot. Not that I had much hope. I just wanted to sleep. Of course, I was correct, knowing from years of experience, the meds weren’t going to help. I took one like it said the first night and two the next. All it did was make me groggy, and I still couldn’t sleep.

  Enough was enough. I had to talk to Colton. I was on the verge of not only losing my mind, but my job as well. I had no choice.
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  “You okay? You don’t look so well. Please tell me you’re not sick. I need you to not be sick. I’m begging,” Jane pleaded as I entered the office.

  “I’m fine. I need coffee,” I barked, walking through the office like I was Jane. I could get anything I wanted this week. Jane needed me, but could I pull it off again? Damn. Why couldn’t this parole thing be over with? Maybe if I write the letter, I can put it behind me, at least enough to get through this crazy month with Jane.

  “You ready for this?” Colton asked, coming into my office.

  “Ready?” I questioned, trying to look busy, needing to avoid eye contact.

  “Well, from what I’m hearing from the boss, I am to do any and everything you tell me to do,” he smiled.

  My eyes peered at him over the brim of my glasses. “Yeah, okay. How are you at layout?” I taunted. He sucked at it. His specialty was picking what to use not how to use it.

  “Depends on what you want laid out.”

  I ignored the sexually incriminating comment and headed to the conference room, determined to get this done without doing what I was terrified of doing.

  Colton, Jane, and I worked nonstop throughout the day. The conference room was turned into one ginormous magazine. It was the only way I could do it. I was a visual person. I always had a hard time writing about something I had to research, but if it was there, right in front of me, I could read about it for days, learning all I could. Not only did I have to be able to see it, I had to touch it. Splitting what was real from what wasn’t in my mind was easier that way.

  By six in the evening, we were all spent. Photos of the young models plagued the first wall about half way down. It wasn’t right. There was something missing. Something. I just couldn’t put my finger on.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t start it youngest to oldest. Makeup. Yes. Maybe we should do the makeup first,” I suggested, thinking out loud. No. No. That’s dumb.

  “Perfect. You’re a genius. I love it,” Jane clapped, already grabbing her purse.

  “I agree. Let’s wrap this up tomorrow,” Colton followed.

  “Let’s not. I don’t like it. I’m thinking maybe we should do the dual pages, maybe have the male and female designs match one another. You know. Pair them off like they’re couples.”

  “Sure. Can we do that tomorrow?” Jane asked, paying no attention to the ideas flowing from my mouth.

  “Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I’m right behind you,” I said, studying the photo-shoot wall.

  I worked for another couple hours, rearranging, moving photos and articles around like chess pieces, searching for that something. That pizazz that I knew was inside me. I needed it to come out.

  “I thought I saw you still here. What the hell are you doing?”

  “Colton, I need to go off my meds.” There. I did it. I blurted it out.

  “Why?”

  “I have things going on, causing me not to sleep. I just need forty-eight hours.”

  “Is that safe?”

  “No. That’s why I’m telling you. I need you to stay with me while I work through this.”

  “Work through what?” Colton asked with frowned eyes. He didn’t understand and I didn’t know how to explain it.

  “Look, something happens when I go off my meds abruptly. It’s like I’m on psychedelics or something.”

  “Like ecstasy?”

  “Sort of, I guess. I don’t sleep, but I don’t need it. I can get through all of this if I stop for a couple days and look at it through the eyes of someone else.”

  “What does that even mean? You’re going to be someone else?”

  “You already know I turn into someone else. I just need you to watch me, make sure I don’t do something stupid. We’ll lock ourselves in here and I promise you, I can get this done.”

  “I don’t know if I like this.”

  “You’ll like it later. I promise.”

  “Have you been off your meds every time I’ve been with you?”

  That was only twice, but whatever. I looked down to the floor. “I don’t want to hurt you, Colton. I’m not like girls you’re used to.”

  Colton laughed nervously. “You’re definitely not like the girls I’m used to. What happened?”

  “When?”

  “Whenever, always, I don’t know. Something made you this way. Was it the rape?”

  “Maybe. It doesn’t matter. What matters is this,” I said, waving my arm around the magnificent conference room and the mess that didn’t look any more promising than it had the day we started.

  “What do I do?”

  “Don’t let me leave this office and keep everyone else out.”

  “Should I be scared?”

  “Probably,” I said, cocking my head with half a smile.

  “You’re not going to think you can fly or something, are you?”

  “Oh, I can unquestionably fly when I’m high. You can’t let me. I’ll be squished on the sidewalk.”

  “That’s not funny. I don’t think we should do this.”

  “Colton, please. I don’t know another way. Please,” I begged, tilting my head.

  “Fine. When do you want to start?”

  “I won’t take it tonight. That way it should be starting to work by the time I get here in the morning.”

  “How long does it take?”

  “I took them this morning, so by the time I go all day and skip tonight’s dose, I’d say six hours.”

  “But you won’t be here in six hours.”

  “I can be. I won’t sleep for at least two days, then I’ll crash for hours. I need to crash for hours, Colton. I need you to make sure I get home and crash for hours. Don’t let me go anywhere else.”

  “Where would you go?”

  “Looking,” I spoke the truth. Damn. I was full of truths for some reason.

  “Looking for what?”

  “What you’re going to be here to give me.”

  “Sex?”

  “Is that what you call it?” I smiled, feeling exhausted.

  “No. Not with you. You’re a—”

  “Wild woman?” I helped out with raised eyebrows and crossed arms.

  “Free-spirit,” he countered his own definition. I liked his better.

  “Yeah, that’s me. A free spirit,” I dryly agreed, wishing that was the case.

  “Explain to me what that was all about,” Lila ordered in her aged rough tone.

  “Sorry about that. I had deadlines. It all worked out,” I apologized, forgetting that I had called her during my episode.

  “You went off your medication. Why did you do that?”

  “I only did it for two days. It’s okay. I had someone with me and the job got done.”

  “Do you remember what we were going to talk about today?”

  “Um, not really,” I lied, sitting behind her desk. I don’t know why I chose to sit in her chair like I was the doctor and she was the patient. I just did.

  “We were going to discuss what you’re doing here. What you expect to get out of this.”

  “We were? Do we have to talk about that?”

  “No. No we don’t. Tell me about the last two days.”

  “Three days. I slept for sixteen hours after I was finished with my job.”

  “Okay, tell me about it.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “I want you to describe this feeling you get when you go off your medication.”

  “I don’t know how to do that. It’s something I can’t explain. You would have to experience it to know. It’s not a lot of fun if that’s what you think.”

  “I think I know what manic is. Let me tell you. You have so many thoughts going through your mind, so many ideas. You see things that aren’t really there. You see color, really see color. People have cured diseases doing what you do.”

  “They have?” I asked inquisitively. There was someone else like me?

  “Yes, they have. Beautiful paintings have been created, novels have been writte
n, and babies have been made. Do you get that effect when you’re off your meds, too, McKenzie?”

  I shifted my eyes, feeling embarrassed. What did she know?

  “McKenzie?”

  “Yes. That happens, too.”

  “Who?”

  “Who what?”

  “Who did you sleep with?”

  “His name’s Colton. I asked him to stay with me.”

  “You asked someone to stay with you while you went off your medication to be more creative?”

  “Yes.”

  “What, you just have the guy on speed dial? Hey, I’m going off my meds for a few days, wanna watch me work? I’ll make it worth your while? How do you ask someone something like that?”

  “Why are you being so sarcastic about it? I’m fine, the job’s done and it all worked out.”

  I jumped when her hands came down hard on her desk in front of me. I hadn’t even seen her stand up.

  “Because you’re flirting with all kinds of bad things, McKenzie. You could have jumped off the top of a building, believing you could fly.”

  “I did do that. Colton stopped me. I had it under control.”

  Lila shook her head, exasperated with me. I got what she was saying, but she was worried about something that never happened. Why be mad about it after the fact?

  “You have to promise me not to do that again. You can never just stop taking your medicine cold turkey like that again. Promise me you won’t.”

  “Okay,” I said, making the empty promise. I couldn’t promise that.

  “Tell me about the hours you were high.”

  “How do you know what it feels like?” I asked the silly question. She was a shrink. It was her job to know that.

  “Is that what it is? You feel high?”

  “Yes, like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Well, maybe you have,” I joked. “You were probably into all sorts of things back in the sixties, huh?”