Shhh...Mack's Side

by Jettie Woodruff

“He said, ‘You girls put your tops on.’ It was more of an order. I nodded and got the hell away from him. Something happened that day, that moment, that feeling between my legs, the look in his eyes, something dangerous.

  “I purposely watched him after that day. He watched me, too. Our eyes secretly searched each other out, behind the back of his wife, over the shoulder of his daughter, and out of sight of my parents. By the time I was sixteen, we had grown to touching, accidently of course. I’d purposely brush up against him, he’d touch my lower back, move my hair, things of that nature.”

  “And when did that change?”

  “You want to know when I fucked him, right?” I asked, cutting to the chase.

  “No. I want to know when he fucked you. You were a child.”

  “I was far from a child.”

  “What happened that night? Was that the night you had sex?”

  “Not really. It’s hard to explain.”

  “I’ve got a degree. I can keep up.”

  “I walked away from him when I saw the concerned look. He stopped me and pulled me to the garage. I walked upstairs to his office with his help.”

  “Kenzie, what’s going on?” he asked, closing the door.

  “I—I—I need to go home. I need my medicine.”

  “Medicine for what, Kenz? What do you need?”

  “I have to go home, Kyle,” I begged, spinning in his arms. His lips were warm on my forehead and his arms felt good on my bare shoulders.

  “I’m hot. It’s so hot in here,” I complained, pulling away.

  “You can’t take your clothes off around me, McKenzie.”

  “Why not, Kyle?” I asked, unzipping my party dress. I slipped it over my heels and stepped out of it.

  “McKenzie, what are you doing?” Kyle rasped. He was speechless, but wrapped my naked body in his arms nonetheless when I leaned into him. Something was happening to me. I had the strongest surges of lust saturating my every nerve ending.

  “I need your shirt off,” I coaxed, sliding his jacket over his shoulders. He took over and I worked on his buttons.

  “McKenzie, I don’t know what’s happening here.”

  “Just don’t let me go,” I begged, staring up to him. His eyes were full of love and concern for me. Not at all like the ones I had earned from my mother. We hid those things. God forbid Melanie or Gia ever find out. It would ruin both of us. My mother’s career would be over if Mel ever found out about my little illness. And yes. I say that with a roll of my eyes.

  At first she was concerned too, always checking on me and asking if I was okay. That dwindled as time passed, and when I did have an episode, she would say things. Things like, why couldn’t I be more like Gia, or why couldn’t I stop with the whole bipolar mania crap. She was sick of it. Because I didn’t want to hear the hurtful things I knew she would say, I didn’t say anything. I hid away in my room unnoticed, studying, and turning into an overachiever.

  Kyle never touched me that night. Not in a sexual way. He tried to understand and give me what I wanted when I told him I just needed to feel him. I needed to be touched. That was the first night I felt high. I was so happy and full of confidence. I didn’t have to act. I could just be me. I didn’t have to pretend to be just like Gia. I could be me. The high that I felt while I swayed my body, rubbing skin on skin with Kyle, was unbearable. I was floating, dancing through the colors.

  I moved Kyle’s hands all around my body, from my head to the tips of my toes. The emotional, tingling sensations I felt from his touch was heaven and I didn’t want it to end—ever. I tried to get Kyle’s fingers between my legs, but he stopped me. He’d touch my ass and grind into me with his erection, but he wouldn’t touch me. He tried several times to not kiss me back. Sometimes he succeeded and sometimes he didn’t. He even moaned in my mouth once.

  I blocked out the fact that Lila was sitting right in front of me and let my mind wander back to that time. Back to the time that I’d never told anyone about. No one knew what Kyle did for me. Lila was the only other person on earth besides Kyle that knew.

  “Imagine two people, one crazy, one trying to please the crazy. Imagine these two people lying on plush, gray carpet in the middle of the room. Both naked and rolling around on the floor in slow motion. We never had sex, and he never touched me down there with his hands. The skin of our bodies made the love. The sizzle between us, the tension searing when our bodies collided, and the pressure of Kyle’s knee rubbing my clitoris sent me spiraling, losing strength with every thrust of my hip.”

  Kyle held my hands above my head and stared down at me. My mouth parted and my body trembled, feeling the surge of ecstasy take over my entire body. I shook below him, trying to tell myself this wasn’t real. It was real. It was so real and I wanted it to last forever and ever. Kyle gave me my first orgasm with his knee and just enough pressure to my clitoris. I might have that a bit wrong. I could have given myself the orgasm thrusting into him myself.

  “I have to get you out of here,” he whispered above me.

  “I don’t want to. I need more. Let me take care of you,” I offered, reaching for the rod I felt on my hipbone. He stopped me.

  “Kenzie, no. We can’t do this. I can’t do this. You’re a child.”

  “I’m hardly a child. Look. Does this look like a child to you?” I asked, spreading my legs wide for him. He looked, letting his jaw drop. He wanted to touch me. I knew he did, but he didn’t do it. He pulled me to my feet, and dressed. I didn’t. I danced around like the crazy person that I was…naked.

  Kyle never left me. He let me dance around his office like a lunatic, studying me with constricted eyes. He kissed me back when I danced to him, wrapping my naked body around his, but he didn’t really talk.

  It wasn’t until morning that I thought about what had happened. I woke in my own bed, feeling rested. Searching for my phone, I tried to think about what day it was. Two in the afternoon? Why was I still in bed? Looking down at my party dress, I remembered. I was at a New Year’s Eve party. I was at Gia’s. Did I get drunk? No. I wasn’t drunk. I couldn’t drink it. I already felt drunk.

  OH MY GOD! I jumped out of bed once I realized what I’d done. Oh god. What did I do? Kyle. No. No. There has to be another explanation. I didn’t do that in front of Kyle. With Kyle. Oh lord. With Kyle. Medication. I needed my meds. Racing around the room to get to my meds, I stopped. I wasn’t manic anymore. This was real. Last night wasn’t real. Yes it was. Ohhhh. I argued with myself, realizing my pills that I didn’t take last night were gone. I took them? When? That’s why I didn’t feel high anymore. Kyle. No. That didn’t happen. That wasn’t real. This is real. I must have taken it when I got home. How did I get home? Kyle. Kyle was in my room. I remember. Oh lord. He gave me my meds and stayed with me until I was asleep.

  “Hey,” Gia said, plopping to the center of my bed. “Why are you sitting on the floor?”

  “Gia, what happened last night?” I asked, slipping out of the frilly dress. No panties. Why didn’t I have panties? Where the hell were they?

  “What do you mean?” Gia asked, laying on her stomach, reaching for a bottle of finger nail polish. I looked around and walked to the bathroom with my cell phone while Gia helped herself to my new pink polish.

  “Nothing,” I mumbled, looking down to Kyle’s name on my phone. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. “I can’t talk to you. Gia’s here,” I whispered, squatting to the toilet seat.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine.”

  “We need to talk.”

  “Kyle, no. That’s not a good idea. Did we…” I trailed off, letting him fill in the rest.

  “No.”

  “Oh thank god,” I sighed.

  “Are you peeing?” Kyle questioned with a hint of amusement.

  Using my kegel muscles, I stopped the flow of my pee. “No, I have to go.”

  Click. I couldn’t talk to Kyle. Things happened. I knew they did. I just needed to piece it together.

&nbs
p; “Come on. Let’s go rehearse this routine.”

  “Again,” I whined, coming back to my room. I couldn’t rehearse. Things happened. I needed to process things.

  “Gia, let’s not. Let’s study for our English test. If you don’t pass Mr. Nichols’ class, all our dreams are over. We won’t be going to college together.”

  “What, you would go without me?”

  “To college? Of course. I still have to go to school whether it’s with you or not. The point is, you need to study.”

  “Whatever. Mr. Nichols won’t fail me and you’re not going to school without me. We’re a team. We’re Mack and Gia. We’re always going to be together. Come on.”

  I think Lila called my name more than once, before I snapped out of it.

  “How do you feel, McKenzie?”

  “Sad,” I quietly answered. I missed Gia.

  “Why did you let the rape tear you apart?”

  My sadness was filled with sudden anger. “I never said anything about rape.”

  “Yes, yes. I have a sneaking suspicion you’ve never said anything about that night. I think we need to talk about it. I know what happened without the little bit of information you’ve shared. I do my research. You were quite famous, it was all over the news. You made national news. It was easy to find. Public information,” she had to add. Flashes of me and Gia trying to make it inside the courtroom with blinking lights and screaming questions enveloped my mind.

  “I have to go. I’m meeting Colton.”

  “Let’s see each other twice next week,” Lila suggested, coming to her feet with her feeble old bones. Why didn’t she just retire?

  “You should retire,” I said, giving my own suggestion.

  “And do what, McKenzie?”

  I didn’t answer. I wasn’t expecting her to turn the table, although I should have. “One day is enough,” I assured her with a smile, but not to her.

  “Look at me, McKenzie.”

  “I can’t,” I admitted, playing with a thread around the bottom of my shirt.

  “Because you’ve never been this far before. Have you, McKenzie?”

  I shook my head with a sigh and tight lips, but I still didn’t answer.

  “I think we need to discuss Kyle more.”

  “I don’t,” I said, looking straight at her. I was paying her, not vice versa, and she wasn’t cheap either. This was bullshit. She shouldn’t get to call the shots.

  “I think this has more to do with Kyle than Gia. You’ve spent almost two years coming here to tell me how great your life was growing up with Gia. Does Gia know that you were in love with her father?”

  “No. And I never said anything about love. I really have to go. We don’t need to discuss, Kyle. Kyle was an accident that has nothing to do with anything.”

  “I don’t believe that for half a second. I think Kyle plays more of role in shaping McKenzie into who she is than she wants to admit. I think McKenzie uses Gia as a crutch to keep from thinking about Kyle, or the rape. What else is McKenzie working so diligently on to forget?”

  “McKenzie is standing right here. I’ve got to go.” I walked out without another glance. She didn’t know shit about shit. Who the hell did she think she was anyway? I didn’t pay her think. I paid her to listen.

  “You house hunting?” Colton asked, kissing the top of my head from behind.

  “No, it was just something that popped up on the side,” I lied about the beach house too close to Myrtle Beach for my liking. There had to be something secluded around the beach.

  “Get dressed. Let’s go out to eat,” Colton coaxed.

  Looking up to him over my shoulder, I let him kiss me. “Why? You mean like in public?”

  “You’re in public all the time.”

  “Yeah, but not like that. There’s this nice black man named Troy over on 5th Avenue, he has the best Gyro truck in New York. Let’s walk there and eat in the park.”

  “Let’s not. Go get ready, wear your hair up, slip into some sexy heels, and let’s go out on the town.”

  I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t know how to do that. Crowded places gave me anxiety. It sounds stupid, I know. Why would a person with my people-phobia choose New York? Who knows. Who knows why I chose to do a lot of the things I did. I dreamed about it though. Someday I would have a house in the middle of nowhere, some place secluded with a pond maybe, or maybe even an isolated beach house.

  Relentlessly, I agreed. Colton took me to MoMia’s, and we dined, looking over the city lights and sipping expensive wine. The food was divine, and the ambient blue lights manipulated the room into a romantic atmosphere for two. Quiet piano played from a French composer in the middle of the room.

  I happily took Colton’s hand when he asked for a dance. Following him to the balcony dance floor, I caught a glimpse of the two of us through the glass, only it wasn’t Colton. It was Kyle. Goddamnit. This was why I didn’t talk about it. This was why I should have moved on to the next therapist months ago and why I should have never taken the next step with Colton.

  Closing my eyes, I tried not to ruin the moment. This wasn’t Kyle. This wasn’t that night in Fiji. This wasn’t the city lights glowing from the top of our hotel. I squeezed my eyes tightly, and Colton held me tighter. I wasn’t seeking his touch. I was seeking, Kyle’s.

  Opening my eyes to see the twinkling lights below, I knew what it was. The piano. It was that song. I looked to the man behind the piano. It was him. The same guy. He didn’t even look older. He looked the same. Without seeing him, I knew. I could tell by the song he was playing. I listened to that song a million times after that night. Kyle bought me one of his CD’s and Todd McCoy became my best friend, even over Gia.

  His expression was just like it was when I’d sat, listening to his beautiful sad, sad music. We were in Fiji for an incentive trip Melanie had won. After the company banquet, Gia and I were excused. There was a cheer competition going on down at the beach and Gia wanted out of there.

  “Dad, please. Let us go. I can’t take this music for one more second,” Gia whined. I ignored her. I ignored everything but Todd McCoy. He was amazing. I was mesmerized, feeling emotions wake inside me. I could have cried. I felt the aching in my heart when someone you love hurts you.

  “Fine, go tell your mom,” Kyle agreed.

  “Yes!” Gia exclaimed. “Come on, McKenzie.”

  “I’ll be right there,” I said in a trance. Gia darted off to let her mother know we were flying the coop.

  “He’s good isn’t he?”

  “He’s amazing,” I replied in a melodramatic tone.

  “Kenzie?”

  “Huh?” I questioned in my dazed state.

  “Did you take your medication today?”

  I snapped my head and stared toward Kyle. What did he know? “Medication?”

  “Stop. We’ve been pretending for three months now. It happened, and you told me you were sick. I can tell when you’re not taking it. Who do you think made sure you took it that night before you went to bed? Your eyes are glassed over like that night. Like shiny glass.”

  “They are not.”

  “They are, Kenzie. Go take your medication.”

  “I want to drink tonight,” I countered. Shit. This was Kyle. This was Gia’s dad. I just blew it. He wasn’t going to let us out of his sight now.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea for you.”

  “You’re not my dad,” I reminded him.

  “No, there’s your dad. The drunk one downing another shot of whiskey. He doesn’t give a shit about you right now. And there’s your mom. She’s the drunk one dancing all over my w—Melanie,” Kyle explained. The quick reverting from wife to Melanie didn’t go unnoticed. “She doesn’t give a shit right now either. I give a shit. Go take your meds.”

  “I don’t want to. I’m in Fiji. I want to be like Gia and have fun tonight.”

  “Do you come off your meds often?”

  “No this is only the second time, but I’m pre
pared this time.”

  “Prepared?”

  “Yeah, I read about it. See this? I’m going to squeeze it every time I feel like this isn’t real life. It will help keep me grounded.”

  Kyle took the rubber ball from my hand and read my scribbling. McKenzie Perry. Senior at Monte Academy. Best friend Gia. Go Tigers. Friends forever. Little phrases I thought might help keep me sane, filled the purple ball. Someone suggested it on a forum I had read. Kyle handed it back and I squeezed it. The piano wanted me to dance.

  “I’ll see you around,” I said, needing to get away from Kyle and away from the dramatic music.

  “McKenzie. Please go take your medicine,” Kyle begged, stopping me with the tips of his fingers. Shit. He touched me.

  My eyes met his and I wanted what we did the last time. I wanted Kyle to envelope me with his body. I looked down at the velvet touch of his hand and tilted my head. I admired the silver watch, sparkling with vibrant diamond colors. The diamonds swirled with the tunes coming from the piano.

  “Kenzie?”

  “I’ve got to get out of here.”

  I ran out into the dark night and lifted my arms in liberation. I had to. The urge was too strong not to. Kicking off my heels, I danced in the damp grass. The gardens at the hotel were magnificent. I was dancing in an enchanted forest. It was breathtaking, beautiful.

  “What the fuck? You could have waited on me,” Gia complained. That snapped me out of my frolicking haze.

  “Gia, I love you. You know that, right?” I asked, dropping my arm over her shoulder.

  “Oh my god, Mack. You’ve already been drinking, haven’t you? You’re drunk and I haven’t even started.”

  “I’m not drunk. I’m drunk on life. Life is a beautiful thing to waste.”

  “You’re drunk. Come on. I want to find some hot beach boy and pretend like he’s James.”

  “James Nichols would never touch you. You do know that, right? And what’s up with calling him James?”

  “You don’t think I’m going to be moaning Mr. Nichols when I fuck him do you?”

  “No.” I laughed. “You’re not going to call him anything. He’s your English teacher and he’s married.”