Shhh...Mack's Side

by Jettie Woodruff

  “Watch your mouth, young lady, and it’s either this or let it rain on your bed. Which do you prefer, princess,” my dad taunted. I rolled my eyes, tossing my bag over one shoulder, typical of any normal, teenage girl who was almost eighteen. Only I wasn’t like most girls. I tried to be like Gia and like the boys from school. I just didn’t, except Mr. Nichols that is. I daydreamed about naughty things all the time with him. I never did like boys our age. I’m sure my first time wasn’t like most teenage girls’ first time. It was amazing. That’s the difference in letting some teenage boy take your V-card. Men should have that job, not boys.

  “Pssst, come here,” I heard him call in a loud whisper from the dark garage. Looking up to Gia’s bedroom window, I walked toward the opened garage door, not seeing her.

  “Where’s Gia?” I asked. Kyle didn’t answer. He pulled me to the side, lifted me to the chest freezer and hit the button. I watched the garage door getting closer to the floor, rendering the garage darker and darker as it came in contact with the concrete floor. Kyle moved my legs apart a little and stood between them.

  Crushing his lips to mine, he pulled me closer, grinding his hips into mine. I could feel his hardness, purposely grinding into my clit. Shit. I shouldn’t have told Gia I was coming. She’d be calling, wondering where I was.

  “I’ve got to go. You should have told me you were home.”

  “Your dad was home. You should have known I was home. You’ve got to meet me later. I can’t stand not touching you for one more day.”

  “Kyle, I can’t. We’re staring finals right in the face. I have to pass this class.”

  “Stay with Gia tonight,” he begged.

  “We’ll see. I have to go.” I slid forward, keeping one leg behind him, slowly moving my body down his, provoking him with my body and lips on his. “You were supposed to pick me up from dropping my car off for tires, remember?” I reminded him with a pout. Gia had a dentist appointment that day. I purposely told my dad what time to make it. Kyle ditched me, and sent his secretary.

  “I had a client. It took longer than I’d planned. Spend the night.”

  “Dad!” I stepped away when I heard Gia call. Kyle flipped the light on and I pretended to be walking in the side door.

  “Why you coming in through the garage?” Gia asked.

  “I saw the light come on, I thought you were out here. Let’s study together. They’re putting a new roof on our house and they’re driving me insane. I can’t take it.”

  “Study what?”

  “Oh my god, Gia! If we don’t pass Mr. Nichols’ class, we’re not going to school together. You do get that, don’t you?”

  “You failing a class, Gianna?” Kyle asked, being a father to her and a lover to me.

  Bang. Bang. Bang.

  “AJ was older, too,” I offered in a sad tone. “Want to know something else?” I asked, looking back up to Lila. “He’s black.”

  “You were telling me you met him the day before you started work with him,” Lila coaxed, wanting me to continue. She didn’t care about his skin color. I only did for one reason and being prejudice wasn’t it.

  “Oh, yeah. Yes, we met at the Laundromat next door to our building. I tried to ignore him like I had my entire life with boys. He wouldn’t let me. He’s the funniest guy you would ever meet. We shared a pizza that night, against my will.”

  “And he knew about you?”

  “Yeah, right. I’ve spent my entire life trying to hide my disabilities from people who wouldn’t understand.”

  “Like Gia?”

  “What?” Now what the hell was she talking about? I thought we were going to talk about AJ. My head was spinning and my neck hurt from the whiplash.

  “I’m just curious. If Gia was your best friend, why didn’t she know? Why did you hide your illness from everyone but Kyle?”

  “I didn’t. AJ knew. Colton knows.”

  “But not because you told them. I’m guessing they know because you had a manic outburst. Am I right? You never had those with Gia?”

  “What are you saying? I can just turn it on and off when I want?”

  “Sort of. I’m having a hard time believing in the friendship that you’re so attached to.”

  “I’m not attached to anyone. I haven’t even spoken to Gia in like five years now. I assume she’s off living the life that she and I grew up in, raising her cute little family with Jake on some cul-de-sac. She’s probably driving around in her fifty-thousand-dollar car, playing the role that our mothers played. The role Gia and I were supposed to fulfill together. We were supposed to be neighbors, raise our little girls together and sell expensive real-estate.”

  “Was that her dream, or yours?”

  “It was ours,” I assured her with a frown. What the hell?

  “Mmm hmm. Why aren’t you selling real-estate?”

  “What are we talking about today?” I asked, wanting to avoid the direction she was moving in. Right again. I never wanted to be my mother. I always dreamed of working for a fast paced magazine, one that would allow me to work millions of hours, and force more on me than the normal mind could handle. That’s why I did as well as I had, working my way up from a nobody to one of the highest paid employees at York Fancy, just below Jane.

  My brain never rested. It was on constant overload. I couldn’t even take a shit like a normal person. I had to have the crossword puzzle from the newspaper, or be sifting through my phone. My mind had to be occupied. ALL THE TIME.

  “I feel like this so called friend that you speak so highly of would have known. She would have been there for you more.”

  “Once again. Are we talking about your feelings or mine? You can tell me how you feel. I’ll just charge you for this hour. Go on, tell me how you feel. I’m a really good listener.”

  “Okay, I think your friend wasn’t a friend at all. She knew. She knew all along, McKenzie. You didn’t grow up side by side with this girl without her knowing. She knew. Didn’t she?”

  I didn’t respond to her accusations. I smiled, staring at her like she was the most ridiculous creature on earth.

  Lila continued. “I think she knew, and I think she pretended not to. She didn’t want to be a part of that side of you.”

  Just like she had been since I started seeing her, Lila was once again right. I was only thirteen the first time I freaked out with Gia. My grandparents were visiting for the weekend, and they had taken my mom out for her birthday. I didn’t feel well. My current therapist had just changed my meds—again. I don’t know if it was the coming off the last one, or the effects of the new one, but I was sick. Crazy sick.

  “McKenzie, Mack. Where are you?” Gia called through my house. Her voice was so intense. It echoed throughout the entire house, or at least my head. I was crunched down in the corner of the dining room, covering my ears. She was so loud.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” Gia asked.

  “Gia. Stay here. Stay with me,” I pleaded. I was scared, hearing voices that wanted me to hurt myself. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to stop.

  “What is your problem, Mack? We have a competition to win. Forget it. I’ll practice myself.”

  She left me. She did know. That wasn’t the first time she avoided one of my episodes. There were a few before my medication was finally working the way it was supposed to. Gia did know. She never helped me. Not once did Gia tell me it was okay. Not once did she tell me she was there for me. She left me.

  I never talked about that with Lila that day. I couldn’t. I was hurt, and I needed time to process. No other psychiatrist had ever said that to me. Of course, no other one had said a lot of things. Lila was an expert at calling me out on facts that I suppressed. Things that hurt, that would incapacitate my normal functioning. I didn’t want to think about that.

  I derailed it, moved back to AJ and just started talking. Rattling on and on like the crazy person that I was. Lila let me. I didn’t look up from folding the corner of her calendar, twisting it into
a tight tube, rolling it back and forth with my hand.

  “I’d just gotten home from a convention here in the city. I was only supposed to be gone for a couple days. Detroit got an ice storm that shut the city down for two days.”

  “So you were high?”

  I rolled my eyes and lightly shook my head, disgusted. Of course I was high. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I barely knew him. We spoke daily about work stuff, but I avoided him outside of work. He held the door for me when I finally made it home. He’d been next door doing laundry.

  “Do I need to describe that, too?”

  “No, I don’t need to hear that. I get it. You were hypersexual. You use that excuse a lot.”

  Snorting, I decided it was time for this story to come to end. I needed to find a new therapist.

  “Excuse?” I questioned with raised eyebrows.

  “Did you ever have sex with AJ when you weren’t high?”

  “You let high roll off the tongue like I am a druggy. I’m not a druggy. I’m sick.”

  “Yes, McKenzie you’re sick. So am I. I’m a diabetic. Did you know that?”

  What? Something was seriously wrong with Lila today. She was extremely off. She never spoke this much and I don’t know if it was me or her, but one of us was all over the place. My sessions were normally very organized. This was organized. Organized chaos. Or was that the whole point? She was up to something. She was purposely sending me all over the place. “No. Sorry, Lila. I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to know things about you. Why don’t you share?”

  “Tell me about Cara.”

  Lila may as well have taken a ball bat to my chest. That’s how it felt. I’d just been knocked off my feet and the shock took my breath.

  “I—I have to go,” I said standing, dazed and confused. I never told her about that.

  “Sit down, McKenzie.”

  I sat. Still stunned. Then I stood. Then I sat. I didn’t like her saying her name, not that she ever got that name. She died. I knew my eyes were wide with surprise. I was speechless. What was I supposed to say? I never talked about Cara, ever.

  “Why did you say the little girl you picked up from the street looked like her? On the sidewalk?” She added, just in case I forgot.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You did. You said she was happy. Where is Cara?”

  I felt the pain in my heart, thinking about her. I had a hole in my heart, too. “She’s dead,” I quietly explained.

  “Tell me what happened to Cara.”

  I didn’t want to tell her what happened to Cara. I didn’t talk about Cara. Ever. I looked up to Lila, feeling heavy, very heavy. Standing, I walked over to the chase lounge and picked up my purse.

  “I’ve had enough for one day, okay, Lila?” I said, like I was asking permission to leave.

  “Okay, McKenzie,” she nodded. The look on her face said she knew I would do this. “I’m proud of you. You did well today.”

  “I did?” I asked, not feeling well. I didn’t feel well at all.

  “You did. I’ll see you next week.” Lila smiled. I nodded and left her office feeling disordered. Like I was walking in a fog.

  I wished I could just be like everyone else and not have a therapist, medication that constantly needed changing, and the thoughts, the wind chimes, and the voices. I wanted it all to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

  Things changed between Colton and I after the piano dance. He was different. I could tell. I tried to make things okay between us. I did what I do best. I pretended it didn’t happen.

  “Jane wants to see you,” Colton said, poking his head into my office. He hadn’t been coming in for no reason like he normally did.

  “Come here,” I requested, needing something from him. I don’t know what. Just something. I didn’t want to feel alone.

  Walking around my desk, I closed the door behind him. “Let’s go out. We’ll get something to eat and see a movie later,” I offered, wrapping my arms around his neck. I didn’t like the way he felt when he put his arm around my waist. He felt distant.

  “We’ll order in, and rent something on Pay-Per-View. Come on. Jane wants to talk about the swimsuit issue.”

  Colton didn’t want to deal with me anymore. I scared him. He didn’t want to take me out again. I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to go anyway. I only did it because he insisted. I needed to keep things routine. I couldn’t be the girl that looked pretty on his arm. I needed predictable. I needed the familiar faces around the office, the chaos of putting a magazine together, and Lila. That’s all I was comfortable with. That was all I could handle.

  I gave Colton the easy out. I stopped, avoiding him as much as I could. He didn’t need to feel bad over me. I had done just fine on my own for a very long time.

  I knew it was time to move on. I could feel it. Things were getting too profound. I didn’t do deep. I ran from deep. I spent time, searching for a place. I wanted something by the beach, but not a public beach. Isolated, more along the east coast maybe. I had the money to just pick up and go. Living expenses wouldn’t be a problem. I made a lot of money doing what I did, and I was very frugal with it. I had plenty to rent a small house, and survive for a few months without the help of my mother and father.

  Colton felt it, too. He knew something was up. I’d been avoiding him, canceling dates, turning the other way when I saw him at the office, and blowing him off when I answered his calls, too busy to talk. I canceled my appointment with Lila three weeks in a row. And ignored the pleas she left on my voicemail for me to call her.

  “That’s it. What’s up with you?” Colton wanted an answer.

  “What do you mean?” I feigned ignorance, flipping through swimsuit photos.

  “Talk to me, please. Don’t shut me out,” Colton begged, closing the blind over my office door. I opened it.

  Shut him out? Really? He was the one running scared. Not me. I was just letting him slide off the hook.

  “I’m busy. Don’t you have that fish story to chase?”

  “Come with me.”

  “Where?”

  “Kentucky.”

  “No.”

  “Why not? What’s going on with us, McKenzie? I feel like we’re drifting apart.”

  Blowing a puff of air, I brushed past him. “Drifting apart? What is it that you think we have here, Colton?” I knew I was hurting him. I could see it in his eyes. I couldn’t help it. I was suffocating. I couldn’t do this anymore. Not him, not the job, and not Lila. I needed to go. The sooner the better. It was time for me to go.

  “Is that truly how you feel, Kenzie?”

  Biting my bottom lip, I refrained from telling him not to call me that again. “Yeah, Colton. I really mean that.”

  “Wow. So it was all for nothing, huh? Just like that,” he said, snapping his fingers.

  I ignored him, flipping through the photos on my computer. I didn’t need Colton Reed in my life. I didn’t need anyone. I was fine by myself. I’d always been fine by myself.

  Looking to the time on my computer, I ushered him to move along. Get out of my life, and let me get on with mine. “Come on. We have a meeting,” I coolly said, walking past him without a look.

  Thing is. Colton didn’t fight for me. He let me go. He was getting an easy out and he was taking it. Walking in front of him, I felt like the rejection I’d felt when I wanted someone not to give up on me. Like when I was a child and everyone I knew made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Everyone but one person.

  “Oh, McKenzie,” my assistant called, stopping me. She made me feel bad for yelling at her earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled at her. I wasn’t mad at her. I just had a lot going on, and I was on my way to a conference call. I listened while walking down the hall, her trailing behind, speaking too speedily.

  “Mike Tomlin needs your budget for the month, and you have a message from a Gianna, she wants you to check your personal email. Should I book your flight to Chic—ago? Oh, sorry,” she said, bu
mping into me. It wasn’t her fault. I stopped. Dead in my tracks.

  “Gianna?”

  “Yes, that’s what she said.”

  “Did she say anything else? Did she ask for me?”

  “No. She only wanted to leave a message,” Allison, said, handing me three pink Post-it notes. I looked down at it and read, check personal email. That’s it. That’s all she said. What personal email? I had several. One for junk mail, one for bills, one for family that I never looked at, one for work. It had to be the one my family and friends used, I got bombarded with sympathy email on that one. I hadn’t checked that one in a few years. I wasn’t even sure it would still work.

  “Thank you,” I said, continuing to my destination. A meeting that I wouldn’t attend. I opened the email I thought Gia would have used and opened it. Third message down. Today at Nine AM.

  “Hey, you okay?” Colton asked.

  I wasn’t okay. I was far from okay. The Chronicle back home was retelling the story. How could they do that? They never asked my permission. They used my name. This wasn’t happening.

  “McKenzie?” Colton repeated.

  “I’m not feeling well. Could you tell Jane?” I looked down at the article and walked out of the conference room in a state of total shock. Brushing past Colton, I caught the look from Sherry and then Allison. Colt had it, too. Misty Nash. That look of pity. She knew. They all knew.

  “Hey, where you going?” Jane asked, entering the room.

  “I’m sick,” I replied, moving around her and out the door. I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating. I made my way to the ladies room and deposited a stomach full of nerves.

  “What’s going on, McKenzie?” Colton asked.

  “You can’t come into the women’s room,” I protested, rinsing my mouth, and splashing cool water to my face.