Shhh...Mack's Side

by Jettie Woodruff

  “They don’t put you with people that aren’t like you. I want you in group therapy. You’ve got to learn to let things out, McKenzie.”

  “I talk to you. Don’t I talk to you? I’ll do therapy with you.”

  “Your mother is here. She wants to come in and see you.”

  “My mom’s here? In New York? Why?” I would get back to the group thing later. My mother was here? That made no sense to me. My mother was never here. Why now? What changed? First the hospital in North Carolina, and now here. Why?

  “Because she loves you, and she’s concerned about you.”

  “Wait. I know what you’re doing. I’m not being counseled to mend how broken my mother and I are. If she’s even my mother. She can find her own shrink. I have dibs.”

  “You can’t dib humans,” Lila assured me, opening my door and waving down the long hall. I watched a girl walk down the hall carrying a Cara in her arms. Shaking my head, I tried not to think about it. I had my own problems. I couldn’t go caring about why some crazy was carrying a doll like a real child.

  “You can call dibs on humans. Gia and I used to do it all the time.”

  “This is a little different than high school boys, don’t you think?”

  “I wasn’t talking about high school boys. I didn’t call dibs on little boys, remember?”

  “Yes, we’ll talk about Kyle later.”

  “Hi, baby. Are you feeling better?” my mother asked, embracing me in an awkward, we don’t do this, hug.

  “Yeah, I guess so. I don’t even remember coming here. What happened?”

  “You’ve just been through so much. I think it finally caught up with you.”

  “I don’t remember any of it. I flew all the way to New York and don’t remember it.”

  “Dr. Longhand gave you something to keep you sedated.”

  “He doesn’t really have a long hand. I’m fine. You can go.” Shit. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.

  “Your dad and I were talking about disability. I think you should get on social security disability and come to Texas with us.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s sit,” Lila offered, waving to the table with four chairs. White. Everything was white. I never understood why places like this did that. Why not yellow like the sun, pink like a rose, or red like blood? No, not red like blood. Green like the grass.

  “You don’t think she should stop trying to work and take care of her health, or you don’t think she should come home with me?”

  “Neither. McKenzie’s mind would never let her sit at home. She needs to keep it engaged in something productive, and as far as moving to Texas, I don’t think that’s such a good idea either.”

  “You didn’t see her at that hospital. She needs someone to be there for her.”

  I snorted. “Mom, you have no clue what I’ve done on my own. I’ve spent the night in jail for removing my clothes on Broadway. I’ve ran through dark woods alone, in search of aliens, I’ve had sex with five men at once while in a manic state of hyper sexuality.

  “I’ve done it right under your nose, remember? The times you’d tell me to stop acting like a fool and go to bed? Kyle was there. Kyle was the one that saw me through my window and stayed with me, even if it was on the phone. Knowing he was right there with me was all I needed. You were never there. It was always Kyle.” I was impressed at my ability to stay calm. It wasn’t what my mind was screaming for me to do at all.

  “McKenzie, I didn’t know how to be there. I was afraid.”

  “Afraid of finding me hanging from a sheet in my room?”

  “Yes. That’s exactly what I was afraid of.”

  “I was so alone, Mom.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, McKenzie.”

  “It’s fine. Just go to Texas with Dad. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll figure it out.”

  “I’m not leaving you, McKenzie.”

  “How long am I going to be here, Lila?” I asked, turning to Lila, observing the interaction between my mother and me.

  “A few days if you’re going to follow my treatment plan.”

  “Group therapy?”

  “You know me well, McKenzie,” Lila winked.

  I’m glad I knew her well. I’m glad she knew me well. She was one of two people that ever understood me, Kyle being the second one. After a three hour session with Lila, my mother agreed to leave. There was no point in her being there and I wanted to focus on other things. Abigail. I didn’t get to see her. I freaked out when he told me she was with Gianna.

  That was the first time in my life I ever felt my mother’s hug. Like she did care and I wasn’t just a burden. I promised to call her or at least answer my phone if she called me.

  “Does he know?” I asked, looking out toward the recreational room where my father waited for her.

  “No. Do you want him to know? I wasn’t planning on telling you that. It just came out. I don’t think we should tell him that I told you. Let’s leave it in the past, McKenzie.”

  I studied my dad’s overworked face. He’d spent his entire life making money. That was all that mattered to him. “I think that’s a horrible idea. Let’s stop lying and trying to forget things that hurt.”

  I walked away from my mother and Lila, right up to my dad, looking out the window. Wrapping my arms around his neck, he hugged me back.

  “Thank you for being my dad,” I said.

  Tightening his hold on me, he embraced me. I felt that hug, too. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better dad. I should have filled his shoes better.”

  “You did what you knew how to do, besides, I’m not sure my other dad would have given me a brand new BMW for my sixteenth birthday,” I teased. He held me tighter.

  “Just for the record. That wasn’t my idea. I fought your mother tooth and nail on it. She always wins. I love you, Mack. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to be there for you.”

  “I love you, too. It’s okay.”

  That being said, the sappiness was overvalued. I knew as well as my parents knew, this wasn’t the beginning of a road to recovery for us. I learned long ago how to appease my parents. Maybe it was superficial, but it’s what worked for them. Brush it under the rug and don’t talk about it. My mother could tell me she was there for me until she was blue in the face and I would see through the lie. She would be there as long as I didn’t talk about anything real.

  “I wish you would reconsider this. I could keep you here, you know.”

  I smiled at Lila. “But you won’t. I have to do this. I’ll be fine.”

  “Will you at least call me, let me know you’re okay?”

  “Are you charging me for that?” I teased. “Yes. I’ll call,” I promised, seeing this disapproving look.

  “You have to have a plan. I don’t like not knowing.”

  Snorting, I replied, “Yeah, I don’t either. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to show up at his door. He’ll either let me see her or he won’t.”

  “Call him first.”

  “I tried the only number I had for him. It’s not the same.”

  “But you have Gia’s. Call her.”

  “Lila, I’m not calling Gia. I’ll be fine. I promise.”

  “You’re coming back here, right?”

  “I don’t think so. I don’t want to be this far away from Abigail.”

  “Promise me you’re not going to start anything with Kyle.”

  “You mean like an argument?”

  “You know that’s not what I mean. Stay out of his bed.”

  “No problem. I can promise you that.” I could. That was not what I was planning to focus on. I couldn’t handle any man right now. I wanted to focus on my baby girl. That was it. Nothing else.

  “This is going against everything I’ve ever practiced. You do know this, right?”

  “I do, but you’re my doctor, not my mom.”

  “I’m your friend.”

  “Thank you.” I smiled. It meant a lot to hear Lila say that. I’m no
t sure I would have survived any of this without Lila. I’m sure I wouldn’t have.

  I thought about my little house in Florida, knowing I needed to go tie up those loose ends, too. I wouldn’t just run away and let someone else deal with my belongings again. I was going to be responsible for once in my life and take care of it myself.

  “You traveling for business?” A nice looking, whoa, a very nice looking man next to me asked. He smelled good, too. Jesus, Mack. Stop it.

  “Visit,” I replied and turned my attention to the small window overlooking the runway. I had enough on my plate without adding in a strange one night stand. That led me to thinking about the last time I’d even had sex. God. It was so long ago. Colton. Thinking about Colton made me think about AJ, and what I’d done to him. I wanted to make it right, even after all these years, I wanted to tell him I was sorry. Colton, too. I wanted to apologize to Colton, too.

  I swear my hour and a half flight only took ten minutes. My heart began to speed up as we descended. According to my research, Kyle was living in a small town about forty miles south of Pittsburg. I couldn’t find anything on him about his in employment or anything else, but I did have an address. It was early. I may be sitting in his driveway, waiting until he was off work.

  My rental car was there waiting on me, thanks to Lila having a copy of my license filed away. They were in my purse with all my other bank cards in Florida. I was going there next. Hopefully not for a couple days, though. I really wanted to spend some time with Abigail. I just didn’t know what Kyle was going to think about that idea.

  I turned the radio as loud as it would go while I made my way out of the busy airport, needing to stop the thoughts. Thoughts that I knew made no sense. The black truck behind me wasn’t following me, the tree’s swaying in the wind weren’t falling over, and the sun wasn’t really lower than it should be. Thoughts that normal people didn’t think about, unless they were on something.

  I never pictured Kyle living this far out of civilization. Then again, I did remember him always complaining to Melanie about wanting more yard, more privacy, and a stream or someplace to fish. Melanie would tell him to go for it, but she would never live amongst wildlife; not bugs, bears or fish. I smiled, thinking about Cara living in the country. I mean, Abigail. Breathe, Mack, breathe. No, not the wind chimes. Calm down, Mack. Calm the hell down. Now’s not the time.

  Or was it. Shit. Shit. Shit. I pulled over off the side of the country road. I had to get my shit together before I went any farther. My breathing was erratic and the closer the robotic voice told me I was, the more erratic it became. You can do this. You’ve got this.

  A couple of nice country people stopped to ask if I was all right, one on a tractor. I said yes all three times, but I wasn’t. I knew the clock had gone from one in the afternoon when I pulled over, to four in the evening. I’d been sitting in a fog for over three hours, trying to tell myself I had to move. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even pick up my phone and call someone. Who would I even call? Lila? What was she going to do? I was in Pennsylvania. My mom? No, not happening.

  “You need some—help? Kenz? What are you doing here?”

  I didn’t even see the truck pull behind my car. No wonder I was so easily kidnapped.

  “McKenzie? Are you okay?”

  “I’m trying to be.” I smiled.

  “Come here,” Kyle said, opening my door.

  I stepped out. I stepped out and right into his arms. “I knew I’d be seeing you.”

  “You did?” I asked, taking the comfort he was offering in his strong arms.

  “Yes, of course. You may be a little sporadic sometimes, but when you get something on your mind, it doesn’t stop. I learned that about you when you were like three.”

  I smiled. I had been giving myself a full blown panic attack for no reason. I should have known better. Kyle didn’t have a mean bone in his body.

  “Where is she?”

  “She’s at the sitter’s. Follow me to the house. We’ll go get her.”

  I smiled, nodding my head. Kyle kissed my forehead and I got back in my car. Pulling out behind the truck, I smiled again. He always wanted a truck. Melanie wouldn’t let him. It wasn’t business like. Shaking my head three minutes later, we pulled into his driveway. I was that close to his house.

  “You okay?” he asked, opening my door for me.

  “Yes. I can’t believe you live out here in the middle of nowhere. This is beautiful Kyle,” I said, looking out over the lake in the distance.

  “It’s so peaceful, Mack. Listen. No horns, no sirens, no voices–nothing–just serenity.”

  “I’m baffled. Why here? Why Pennsylvania?”

  Shrugging his shoulders he led me inside his cabin by the hand. “I didn’t want Abby growing up in all that chaos.”

  “You thought if you could keep her calm she wouldn’t be like me?”

  Kyle stopped me at the door. “There is nothing wrong with you. Stop saying that.”

  “There’s lots wrong with me. You’ve just never been able to admit it.”

  “That’s because I don’t need to. You have an illness like millions of other people. My dad had one, too. His heart wouldn’t let him do what most people did. It didn’t cripple him, though. He just learned to work around it.”

  “Oh, I’ve learned how to do that, too. Believe me.”

  “And then you run, right?”

  “Oh my god, Kyle. She is so perfect,” I said, seeing the wall of Abby. Starting at the age of three, I worked my way down the line to the one of her tiny little body hooked to machines inside an incubator. “She was so small.”

  “She was. I didn’t think she was going to make it there for a minute. Thank god she did. I couldn’t imagine life without Abby. Wait till you meet her. She’s the funniest little person on earth.”

  “I’m sorry, Kyle,” I apologized, turning to him. “I should have told you.”

  “You should have, but thanks to Gianna, she’s fine.”

  “How did that happen? I mean. I thought AJ would just leave after he realized she wasn’t his.”

  “He’s a good man. I spent a lot of time with him there. I still send him a Christmas card with her picture in it. I wouldn’t have her if he hadn’t called Gia. She wouldn’t have survived without Gia’s blood. Her body rejected every transfusion they tried.”

  I was definitely going to call him now. I owed it to him. Abigail was here because he swallowed his pride and saved her life.

  “Let’s go get her,” Kyle said with a smile.

  “I’m scared. What if she doesn’t like me?”

  Kyle laughed. “Remember when we used to get so mad at you for talking to every person you came in contact with?”

  “Oh lord. She does that?”

  “Yes. She invited the mail lady in to watch The Lion King with her yesterday.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not a stranger. She knows her.”

  “No she doesn’t. She was a fill-in for our normal male mailman. If I take her to the shop with me, she’ll walk around and tell people what they need.”

  “Shop?”

  “I’ll show you later. Let’s go get our little girl.”

  “Kyle? Can I wait here? I’m not sure what my reaction is going to be. I’d rather it not be in front of your sitter.”

  “Okay. Sure. She’s just down the road. I’ll be back in twenty minutes. Are you hungry?”

  I shook my head, trying not to feel. I had so many intensified nerves, I wasn’t sure how to handle them. As soon as Kyle was out of the driveway, I took a downer. It was something new on the market. Lila said it was getting rave reviews and should help calm me. Let’s hope she was right.

  Of course, I had to walk around the house, check things out. This house was nothing like the extravagant house Gianna grew up in. It didn’t feel plastic. It felt lived in, homey. I was glad Abigail was living like this and not like Gia and I had. I don’t think I ever stopped smiling. I loved seeing a booster chair at the dining
room table. The immense satisfactory of rinsing a sippy-cup of juice was great.

  Looking out to the back yard, I continued the smile. The big wooden play set had enough activities to keep a little girl occupied for hours, and it looked like maybe an unfinished rock wall was being built on the left side of it. A white Power Wheels truck reminded me of me and Gia racing up and down the sidewalk in our pink Barbie cars. The wind chimes hanging on the left corner of the deck caused my smile to dissipate, and I turned back to the interior.

  I liked the open floor plan. You could see Abigail in any room. It was a lot more personable than how Gia and I was raised. There was no formal dining room. No sitting room for guests only, and no fancy furnishings. Everything had a homey feel to it. I loved it, and I loved that there were no steps. Everything was on one level, which of course led me to the bedroom, off from the living room.

  I briefly looked into Kyle’s room. Seeing the unmade bed, I closed the door. I didn’t need to be thinking about Kyle’s bed. A spare bedroom was next. That was where I was hoping to be invited to stay for a couple days. At least until I figured out what I was going to do.

  Abigail’s room was next. I walked in with a feeling in my heart that I’d never felt before. Her room was full of happiness and joy. A tiny little angel lived there and you could feel it. Her bed was made and I wondered if she even slept in it. I smiled, betting she slept with Kyle.

  “Hey, I did come home to pway wif you,” I heard the tiny little voice from the door.

  I instantly dropped to one knee. “Hi, Abigail,” I softly spoke, touching her little hand. I was touching her. She was right there. Right in front of me.

  “What you name?”

  I looked up to Kyle, not sure what to say. We didn’t talk about this. I didn’t know what to say. Kyle dropped to his knee too. “This is your mommy. Remember when Daddy told you your mommy wanted to see you?”

  “Uh-huh. You pway wif me?”

  I wiped the tear quickly with the back of my hand. “Can I give you a hug first?”

  Abigail wrapped her little arms around my neck and I held her, not even trying to stop the tears. I was never letting her go. Ever.