Not Mine (Not Mine Series Book 1)

by Emma Evans

  Hasina raises her eyebrows at me as if I am missing something significant. The penny does finally drop.

  ‘Aside for that,’ I state blushing a little but I’m not sure why.

  The three of us have had various conversations about a sex lives so I don’t know why I’ve come across all embarrassed. The image of Lawson hits my brain before I can stop it. It happens from time to time and I have no idea why. I haven’t thought of him all day. I guess the mention of sex brought him to the forefront. He is so incredibly sexy.

  ‘Yeah we did a few touristy things,’ Hasina replies after a few seconds.

  I wonder where her mind drifted; no doubt somewhere hot.

  Hasina proceeds by pulling out her phone and showing us all the photos she took during the honeymoon. It looks gorgeous and they look like they couldn’t be happier. I feel a pang of jealously and I don’t feel bad about it. I’ve told the girls many of times I’m jealous of them. I’m jealous of them in a good way if that’s even possible. I’m happy for them but I long for what they have. I guess Darius and I could have it soon.

  ‘I remember the honeymoon phase...’ Chloe trails off as she thinks back. ‘It’s the best time,’ she adds with a hint of sadness.

  ‘You’re not there anymore,’ I state rather than ask.

  Chloe sits back in her chair. ‘We’ve been married for three years. We are most definitely not still in the honeymoon phase,’ she adds lightly but I still see a sadness lurking there.

  ‘You might not be in that place anymore but the place you’re heading is pretty exciting,’ Hasina says as she sits forward and puts her hand on top of Chloe’s to comfort her.

  ‘I know,’ Chloe replies a bit more confidently as she rests her hand on her belly. ‘But... nothing. My pregnancy hormones are driving me crazy.’

  I wonder what Chloe had been about to say. She’s been slightly neurotic during the whole pregnancy but Chloe is the type of personal who always gets stressed out easily. I can’t shake the feeling there’s something going on and we’ve missed the opportunity to reassure her. She’s put on a happy face but I can still see the sadness lurking there.

  I need to make more time for my friends. I know I only technically saw them two weeks ago at the wedding but it wasn’t really the occasion to sit and have a good chat. It had been way too long before the wedding. Hasina was busy juggling work and the wedding plans and Chloe has been preparing for the baby from the day she found out she was pregnant. She’s also been preparing her work colleagues for her departure for months. Chloe likes to plan ahead. It’s the very reason why we were surprised when she told us she wasn’t going to find out the sex of the baby. We’d thought she’d be dying to know so she could plan accordingly.

  We chat for a while longer and Chloe tells us about the latest run in with her in-laws. I think it’s a little unfair to categorise them both really in that equation. The run ins always tend to be with her mother-in-law.

  I think the biggest issue is that they are both strong minded women and like to think their way is best. There seems to be no room for negotiation so it’s a constant battle for them. I always feel sorry for Arnie but he manages to stay well out of it. I think that’s the best way.

  I can’t help but compare my life when I look at Hasina and Chloe’s. I sometimes wonder what I did wrong. I can’t seem to settle and I long for the peace and happiness they have. My chest tightens for a second. The restlessness inside me wants to resurface but I am not going to let it.

  ‘How are things with you and Darius?’ Chloe asks pulling me away from my thoughts.

  ‘Good,’ I reply and smile and them both.

  They look at one another like they are not convinced.

  ‘Care to elaborate anymore?’ Hasina persists.

  I don’t know what to say to them really. Things are fine between me and Darius.

  I shrug my shoulders as I try to stall for time. ‘There’s not a lot to say really. Darius is fine. We’re fine... I’m seeing him later,’ I add as if this going to make the situation better. I don’t know why I feel so awkward.

  ‘You could sound keen,’ Hasina replies as she studies me too intently for my liking.

  ‘I am keen. I love him,’ I say not really sure why I feel like I need to defend myself.

  Chloe rolls her eyes. I can’t believe she just rolled her eyes at me. ‘Hasina you know if you want to get any information out of Avery you need to be more specific,’ she almost admonishes her. ‘What we want to know is if there are any plans of marriage or babies... even the possibility of moving in together,’ Chloe clarifies.

  I look at Hasina and she looks clearly amused. I must say I’m not particularly keen on talking about myself. Why couldn’t they have talked about University or my course? I would have been able to chat their heads off.

  I look at them both and decide to be truthful. ‘We haven’t discussed any of the above.’

  ‘Is it what you want?’ Hasina asks as if the thought had only just occurred to her.

  I think about it. Of course I think about it. It was only two weeks ago in Hasina’s wedding where we were constantly being told that we would be next. I remember being horrified at the idea and the look on Darius’s face seemed to convey the same. At least we are on the same wavelength. There’s no need to rush anything. We’ve only been together for a year. The problem is that once you get to a certain age everyone is quick to try and marry you off. It’s as if there is something lacking and wrong in your life and they need to try and fix it. I’m going to endeavour to choose my words carefully.

  ‘We’re happy as we are right now,’ I eventually say. ‘We haven’t discussed the long term plan and I’m okay with that. I’ve got other goals to think about,’ I add.

  Chloe looks like she wants to persist but Hasina quickly changes the topic so I think she did take the hint. I shouldn’t have to justify why I don’t want to get married and have kids yet. I especially shouldn’t have to justify myself to my friends. They should understand me.

  The feeling that we’re drifting apart is stronger than ever. We’re on such different paths. I didn’t think it mattered but are they waiting for me to do the same as them? It’s not like I never want to get married; I just don’t want to get married to Darius. Wow! I didn’t mean that. I don’t know where that thought came from at all.

  I know I am lying to myself now. Darius and I haven’t argued; there’s nothing wrong but it feels as though something is missing. I feel as though something is missing. I do love him. I know I love him so maybe it’s the case that I’m not ready to make that kind of commitment yet. We have plenty of time.

  We chat a little longer but it eventually draws to a close. Chloe states that she has to leave before she is tempted by another cake and I have to say I am right there with her. Her chocolate cake looked divine and it was calling to me from behind the counter.

  We say our goodbyes and hug and promise we’re going to meet up again soon. I hope so. We really do leave it too long. Before I head home I call in to see my mum and step-dad Paul. I call in as often as I can even if it’s only for five minutes. Their home is my safe haven. My mum only married Paul ten years ago but he’s been a brilliant step-dad. I couldn’t ask for any better. I don’t see my father as regular. It’s awkward. My dad was the cliché and left my mother after twenty years of marriage for a younger woman. My mother was quite rightly devastated. She’d only met Paul a couple of years later but he seemed to heal the wounds she had developed. He has a heart of gold and worships my mother so that is more than good enough for me.

  My relationship with my dad became a struggle. I was only in my teens when it all happened. I refused to speak to him at first but eventually came around after some time. It’s still difficult even after all of these years. He’s still with the woman he left my mother for although they have chosen not to get married. I’m civil to her but when I do go to see him I try to make sure it is when she is not going to be in. To be fair; I think she does go out del
iberately so we can have our space. She makes him happy. I won’t pry and I don’t ask too many questions but I can see he’s happy.

  I stay over my mum’s for an hour or so. I really hadn’t intended on staying so long. They were asking me questions about my course and Paul was telling me all about his latest fishing trip. I honestly have no idea where the time went. I still have time before Darius is meant to arrive. I need to fix my hair but that shouldn’t take too long.

  I get home and I find Darius outside which is unusual as he is always on time. What’s not unusual is the phone glued to his hand.

  ‘Hey,’ I say as I approach him and give him a quick peck on the lips. ‘Did I get the time wrong?’ I ask even though I know I haven’t. Darius is normally predictable by nature and always leaves his parent’s house around the same time.

  ‘No. I’m early,’ he replies while raising one of his eyebrows.

  His gesture makes me laugh. He’s poking fun at himself as he’s always on time. I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my belly which makes me feel good. There’s no unsettlement.

  ‘My parents are meeting Charles and Mavis so I decided to come by earlier,’ he adds.

  I knew there must have been some kind of logical explanation as to why he was early. I didn’t think he would arrive early just because he felt like it.

  ‘So are you going to let us in?’ he asks with a smile.

  ‘No, standing here all night is much more preferable,’ I retort but I’m only messing.

  I grab my keys from my bag and open the door.

  ‘I should have brought a coat. I was freezing waiting out here,’ he explains as we walk through the door and up the stairs to my flat. I’m on the second floor so I always take the stairs.

  ‘Yeah it’s too cold for the wet weather,’ I reply. I’m a strong believer the weather should either be cold or wet; never both.

  ‘I was about to call you as you turned up. This situation got me thinking... maybe we should have some keys cut to avoid this issue in the future,’ he suggests pragmatically.

  I’m really glad I am in front of him on the stairs and he cannot see my face. It’s a step. It’s a step towards a future together and the thought is freaking me right out. I need to calm down a little. It’s only a key. It’s not like he’s asked if we can move in together. He’s not likely to turn up unannounced either. I know he’s early today but that’s an anomaly. I bet he doesn’t even use my key.

  ‘Yeah that makes sense,’ I agree a little bit later once I have convinced myself that nothing will change.

  I don’t think my pause was noticeable but I’m not sure. I wait until we are inside my flat before I turn and look at him. He doesn’t look angry or upset which is a step in the right direction.

  ‘That’s settled then. I’ll get a key cut for you and you’ll do the same. We’ll swap when we see each other next.’ Darius likes his plans.

  I nod my head to agree. It won’t be so bad. I’m sure of it. I’m aware the warm fuzzy feeling is long gone. I excuse myself as I go to salvage my hair. I thought I had time before he’d arrived but I have some pride in my appearance and I can’t leave it looking this way while he’s here.

  When I return Darius is sat on the sofa with a bottle of beer in his hand and he tells me he’s ordered a takeaway. I sit down beside him and feel all of a sudden like I’m going through the motions. My earlier conversation with Chloe and Hasina is coming back to haunt me. What if I never want to marry Darius? I freaked out over the thought of exchanging keys and only felt better when I convinced myself that nothing was going to actually change. Things will change eventually and I have no idea what I’m going to do.

  I try my best to enjoy the evening. Darius is great company and it’s easy with him. I love him. I say the words and I mean them. But if I am being honest with myself I don’t know if we have a future. I hadn’t really thought about it before but it’s all I can seem to think about now. My thoughts taunt me for the rest of the night and I hope that I have been able to hide it from him. I need to figure out what I want because I’m not being fair to Darius. I love him. I truly do. I’m sure I’ll get used to the idea of planning our future. Sometimes it takes a little time. We have time. We have plenty of time.

  Chapter 4

  It’s been a long night. I try to think about a time when it’s been this quiet in Grey Shadows but I can’t. In the few years I’ve been here I’ve never seen it like this. Is there something everyone knows that we don’t?

  I drum my nails against the bar as I ponder what to do next. It’s been a few days since I saw Hasina and Chloe and I feel like I need their advice. Ever since that day I have not been able to stop thinking about mine and Darius’s future together or lack thereof. The more I think about it the more I don’t see it. I’ve avoided him for a couple of days saying I had work to catch up on in University. I do have work to do but it was an excuse. I need to figure my head out before I do. He text me today saying he got a key cut and he used several smiley emoji’s. I didn’t feel like smiling back. I don’t like where this is heading.

  I grab a cloth and wipe down the bar top. There’s no real need; the bar top is already clean. Tonight had started out like any other night. We were busy. We had a lot of people in for food. I don’t know where they’ve all gone. A few of the regulars are sat in their usual spot but other than that we’re practically empty.

  I look at my watch. There’s at least another two hours to go. This is painful.

  ‘It’s about thirty seconds since the last time you looked,’ Ted instructs me.

  I’d forgotten he was here. He did disappear for a while. I don’t know where he went. Not that it really mattered either way really. Now he’s back the time might go a little quicker. I was tempted to pull out a book I loaned from the library today. I don’t usually make a habit of doing it. It doesn’t look good when customers come in but I have the feeling they are not going to materialise tonight. I could be wrong but I feel like this is it.

  ‘Sorry?’ I ask as I turn to face him.

  Ted has a lopsided grin on his face and looks highly amused. ‘You’re constantly looking at your watch,’ he elaborates.

  ‘It’s a slow night,’ I reply with as I shrug my shoulders.

  ‘Well I’m back now so I can keep you thoroughly entertained,’ he replies deadpan.

  ‘Of course,’ I readily agree because I know he will. ‘Where did you go?’ I ask as an afterthought.

  ‘A man must keep his secrets,’ he replies cryptically.

  I expect him to continue and eventually tell me but he doesn’t.

  ‘Have you seen it this quiet before?’

  Ted moves closer to me. ‘Not really. Half the regulars aren’t here. A few of them have gone to Landels for Herbert’s birthday,’ he replies.

  ‘Ah! That’s why it is so quiet,’ I reply as I look around the room. ‘Why didn’t they have it here?’

  ‘It was a surprise seventieth birthday party and his wife wanted to make sure there was no way he would find out. She was afraid he’d see something here or overhear a conversation that he shouldn’t.’

  ‘Can’t argue with that,’ I reply.

  It would have been a very different evening if the party had been held here. Everyone loves Herbert. I briefly wonder why the regulars that are here haven’t gone.

  ‘They’re creatures of comfort. Don’t like change in their routine,’ Ted replies to my unspoken question. I look at him quizzically. ‘I can read you so easy,’ he elaborates.

  I frown. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. ‘What am I thinking right now?’ I ask determined to prove him wrong.

  He laughs at me. ‘I’m not a mind reader Av... but sometimes you have written what you’re thinking all over your face.’

  ‘Really?’ I ask. I don’t think I like the thought of that.

  Ted must be able to read me again because his smile disappears. ‘We’ve known each other for a few years now Av. Just because I can see it doesn’t me
an everyone else can... A lot of the time it’s impossible to know what you’re thinking,’ he adds and momentarily looks lost.

  Ted has that look on his face again that I can’t quite place. He’s not generally serious by nature so I always find it strange when he is.

  ‘I can never read you,’ I reply wanting to shift the look off his face and not quite sure how to do it.

  ‘Ah! But I am a master at hiding it,’ he replies with a sly grin.

  It was better than the previous look. It feels as though the tone is lightening a bit. Ted seems as though he is joking but I know his words to be true. He always comes across as laid back but I get the impression there’s a lot he is hiding.

  Ted doesn’t want to make any type of commitments. He doesn’t generally like making any plans further than a day or two in advance and he has this pessimistic view on love which I find sad. He’s too young to be so jaded.

  ‘That you are,’ I agree and wonder whether I should spend the remainder of the evening probing him.

  I know Ted. He’s actually one of my closest friends. We don’t socialise a lot but then again I don’t socialise with many people much anymore. He’s always been there for me. He’s like the little brother I never had.

  ‘Av I was wondering...’

  I can’t help it but Ted’s voice cuts off in my head. I have no idea what the rest of his sentence is going to be because he’s just walked in.

  Lawson is here. I sensed it before I turned. I switched off from Ted before I had it confirmed. It’s odd. I’m odd. I get this strange sensation and then I find him across the room. It’s been happening since he first spoke to me.

  He’s been coming in here more often. I know I’m not imagining it. He would come in about once a week and on the rare occasions twice. Lawson is almost always here two to three nights now. There is a fundamental difference this evening. He’s on his own. He never comes in this late and he never arrives on his own. He’s also heading straight for the bar instead of the restaurant. I think I might hyperventilate.