The Amish Midwife's Secret

by Rachel J. Good

  Like other Amish women, she hadn’t made the commitment to court Ben lightly. Unlike the Englischers who dated around, in her community, agreeing to court someone meant you’d most likely marry. Leah expected to keep that promise. That is, if Ben still wanted to date her after she’d hurt him this way.

  * * *

  As they sat around the dinner table that night, Kyle choked up watching Dr. Hess seat his wife at the table and take her hand for prayer. Then when Esther reached across the table for Kyle’s hand and the doctor gripped his other one, Kyle drifted back in time to the family dinner table, where his parents insisted they hold hands while Dad prayed.

  Although Kyle lowered his head slightly out of respect for their beliefs, he couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes. Not only did he have no right to pray, but participating would add to the flood of memories swamping him. He missed the days when he had the simple belief that God would take care of him and those he loved.

  After the doctor and his wife raised their heads, the lump in Kyle’s throat made it hard to swallow, let alone contribute to the conversation. And each time Dr. Hess gave his wife a secret smile or she gazed at him adoringly, a sharp pain pierced Kyle’s chest, a longing for what they had, a home filled with love and a supportive partnership that lasted a lifetime.

  Esther passed around hot potato salad with dill dressing to go with the ham her husband was carving. “We had several calls today. No emergencies. I scheduled them for tomorrow morning in the office.”

  The juices from the ham oozed out onto the serving plate, making Kyle’s stomach rumble. The scent of cloves and cooked pineapple adorning the crisscross cuts of crackly ham skin scented the room. “Everything smells delicious,” he said, heaping his plate with potatoes.

  “Fill up,” Esther encouraged him. “I’m sure you probably don’t get many home-cooked meals.”

  “You’re right about that.” Kyle often missed meals, and when he ate, he usually grabbed hospital cafeteria food. On days off, takeout or leftovers were his go-to.

  Dr. Hess served his wife and then placed a generous pile of ham slices on Kyle’s plate. After the doctor filled his own plate, Kyle dug into the food. The tang of vinegar, mustard, and red onion added the perfect touch to the flaky potato chunks and complemented the smoky taste of the ham. Green beans and homemade zucchini bread completed the meal.

  “Well, Leah did a wonderful job today on her first solo delivery,” Dr. Hess said.

  Kyle froze with a forkful of potatoes almost to his mouth. He’d hoped fleeing from the Fishers’ house earlier meant erasing the Amish midwife from his mind, although if he were honest, she’d intruded on his thoughts quite a bit since. He’d made a mistake touching her in the hallway today. The softness of her skin…

  Esther beamed. “She’ll make a wonderful midwife. Sharon needs help, and so do you.” She turned a tender gaze on her husband, which he returned. “Leah has already given so much to the community with her remedies.”

  Kyle wasn’t so sure about that, but he held his peace. No sense in arguing about a situation he had no control over. Also, he needed to put that midwife out of his mind, which was easier said than done.

  He’d be glad to get back to his hospital duties, where the nonstop work would drive her and all the memories of the past from his mind.

  Later, Esther dolloped large scoops of ice cream onto the warm apple crisp for dessert. Neither the doctor nor his wife seemed to worry about their diets. Kyle tried to make healthy choices, even in his takeout or cafeteria meals. Ice cream was a rare indulgence. He wondered if Leah’s natural glow and trim figure came from eating organic foods. Would she frown on his eating habits?

  He had to admit he’d like to squabble with her over that. When she felt strongly about something, her eyes lit up with a fierce, determined look. This time, he’d do it just to tease her, because he suspected they’d both agree health foods were best.

  Kyle had spooned in his last bite of tart apple crisp with creamy, melted ice cream. He leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed to savor the taste.

  “Thank you for a delicious meal, dear,” Dr. Hess said as he pushed back his chair and reached for the dishes. “Why don’t you relax in the living room, Kyle?”

  Although Kyle offered to help, the doctor and his wife insisted they enjoyed doing the dishes together every evening.

  “It’s our time to talk,” Esther told him. “Many nights we don’t get that opportunity.”

  Kyle wandered into the living room and perused the bookshelves. Books about faith were shelved with a few outdated medical dictionaries and magazines. Nothing to hold his interest. Kyle paced back and forth but couldn’t help overhearing the low murmur of conversation coming from the kitchen.

  “I want to head to the hospital this evening to check on Reuben,” Dr. Hess said, “but I’ll leave Kyle here.”

  “I still can’t believe you took him over there today. I hope that reminder of the past doesn’t change his mind about coming here.”

  Dr. Hess sighed. “I know I’m getting forgetful in my old age, but I never thought I’d make a mistake like that.”

  “You’re not old, honey. You’re the perfect age.” Esther’s remark was followed by kissing noises.

  Kyle moved to the piano in one corner of the room and tapped a few keys to drown out the sound. Maybe it would also alert them to the fact that he could overhear.

  “Do you play, Kyle?” Esther called. “Feel free to entertain us with some songs.”

  “Sorry, but my only experience with music was a required class in college. I don’t remember much. My parents never encouraged us to play instruments.”

  “Of course, they wouldn’t have.” Esther sounded quite sure of that.

  How did she know that? Even he himself hadn’t known about his parents’ Amish heritage until his brother made the decision to join the church. His parents had left the Amish faith and had been shunned by their family. Never once during their growing-up years did Kyle suspect they were hiding that secret. He’d believed that both his parents were orphans. They’d raised Caleb and him as Englischers, although they were much stricter than any of his friends’ parents and never allowed TV, radio, or instruments in their home.

  Esther poked her head into the living room. “But they sang beautifully.”

  “You heard my parents sing?” They had sometimes sung songs as a family from an old hymnal, which Kyle only recently discovered was the Ausbund, an Amish hymnal. But they wouldn’t have been doing that in the doctor’s office.

  Esther’s eyes rounded, and she clapped a hand over her mouth. “I, um…”

  Dr. Hess’s voice boomed from the kitchen. “Esther, dear, we need to get these dishes finished so I can leave.”

  Her cheeks red, Esther ducked back into the kitchen. “Sorry, Martin.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I didn’t mean to—” A rush of water drowned out her next words.

  The gushing stopped, and Dr. Hess’s quiet question penetrated the wall between the rooms. “You don’t think he’d remember that, do you? He was so young.”

  Remember what? Did Dr. Hess make a house call? Why would his wife come along, and how would they have heard my parents singing?

  Kyle sank onto the couch and squeezed his eyes shut to block out the images floating before them, but they kept coming. His parents singing, his mom humming as she worked, their family devotions every morning…

  When he tuned back into the conversation, Dr. Hess’s whisper carried into the living room. “Would you be able to keep Kyle occupied while I head to the hospital?”

  “Should I talk to him about the practice and our proposed timeline for moving?”

  “That sounds like a good plan.” A cupboard door banged open and dishes rattled. “Please be careful what you say, though.”

  “I know, Martin. I won’t make a mistake like that again.” Esther’s whisper was barely audible. “I wish we could tell him the truth.”

  Clanging silverware cov
ered most of Dr. Hess’s answer. Kyle distinguished only two hushed words: promise and secret.

  What in the world was going on? And what did it have to do with him?

  Chapter Nine

  Leah opened the store the next morning, dealt with the mail, placed some weekly orders, stocked a few shelves, and completed the inventory in one aisle. She’d just finished taking lunch up to Mamm when the two Englischers from the previous day arrived within a few minutes of each other.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here yesterday,” Leah said as she fetched their orders. “I had an emergency delivery.”

  The blond swished her shoulder-length hair back from her face. “No worries. I don’t know how you manage to run a store when you’re a midwife.”

  The older woman behind her sniffed. “Yes, your family should get someone else to cover for you when you’re gone.”

  Leah winced as she sorted through the bags on the To-Be-Picked-Up shelves. Working in the shop should be her brother Joel’s job, but he’d rebelled during Rumspringa and had never joined the church. He’d fought with Daed and wanted nothing to do with the family or their Amish community. Daed had insisted on Leah taking Joel’s place at the store. Her heart was with midwifery, but she needed to help her family. She’d only been supposed to work part-time hours, but with Mamm’s MS keeping her in bed most days and Daed’s full-time job, she’d ended up running the shop single-handedly. They’d discussed closing it, but too many people in the community depended on their products.

  The phone rang soon after the customers left. Sharon’s breathless voice came over the line. “If you can come over, I’m going to turn a breech baby. It would be a good learning experience for you.”

  “I’d love to be there. Where are you?” Leah jotted down the address. Then she locked the register and hurried to the door. She screeched to a halt. Ben. She needed to leave him a note. She wished he wouldn’t come all the way over here only to find her gone, but she had no way to contact him.

  Grabbing a piece of paper, she jotted a quick message:

  Ben, I’m so sorry to have missed you yesterday. Sharon couldn’t be reached so I was needed at the Fishers’. Sharon called and wants me to meet her at another patient’s house today. I should be back by early evening. Leah

  After folding the message shut, she printed his name in bold letters and taped it to the door. She set the return time to five p.m.—something she’d forgotten to do yesterday—and turned the store sign to CLOSED. Then she rushed out to her buggy and took off for the Groffs’ house. She hoped she wouldn’t be gone that long, but Sharon liked her to stay after all observations and deliveries to discuss what Leah had learned and what she could improve on next time.

  She’d been hoping to learn to turn a breech baby. Sharon had described several different procedures a few weeks ago while Leah took some general notes. She’d also read about it in the informal booklet Sharon had put together for her assistants, but actually seeing it and participating was the best way to learn.

  * * *

  Kyle rejoiced that today was his last day in Lancaster. They had a busy schedule planned, and the doctor’s long list of appointments wouldn’t give them time for any in-depth talks. Kyle planned to confine all their interactions to discussing patients and symptoms rather than talking about his future plans or about God.

  He’d been on edge since his conversation with Esther last evening. He’d survived their mealtime prayer, but he wanted to avoid a discussion about religion, so he steered the conversation away from talk about God for the rest of the evening. Although references to God peppered Esther’s conversation, she hadn’t asked any pointed questions about what he believed. She evidently assumed they shared the same faith.

  As the evening progressed and she explained what she and Martin had planned for him, Kyle’s reluctance to disappoint her grew with each passing minute. They’d both worked hard for so many years, so they deserved to retire.

  Esther leaned forward in her chair. “I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I’m excited that we can give the practice to you because your mother—” Her rapid flow of words stopped abruptly. “That is, well”—she seemed to be floundering to finish her sentence—“she was…um, a wonderful woman. A very wonderful woman. It was heartbreaking when she passed on. We always wanted to do something to help you. And Caleb, of course.”

  Esther rattled on without pausing for breath. “We also chose you not only because you used to live here but because Martin knows you were a wonderful student and thinks you’re the right person to trust with his practice.”

  Kyle stared down at his clenched fists. How could he say no to them after all they’d done for him? And he’d be turning down a chance to pay off his med school loans and Emma’s medical expenses. He’d been shocked to discover the Amish didn’t believe in having insurance. Instead, Emma’s family, with the help of the Amish community, had paid her extensive medical and rehab bills. His carelessness had depleted their funds. Funds that could have been used to help other families in need. Although they’d insist he owed them nothing, his conscience wouldn’t allow him to escape financial responsibility. It might take years, or even decades, but he’d determined to pay back every penny.

  When he didn’t answer, Esther filled in the silence with rapid chatter. “We don’t want you to feel obligated, of course, if this isn’t where God is leading you. Martin and I have been praying, and I’m sure you’ve been doing the same, but we’ll support whatever decision you make with God’s guidance.”

  Participating in the conversation increased Kyle’s feelings of being a fraud. He hadn’t been praying and had no desire to do so. Maybe he could tell the doctor God was leading him elsewhere. To a fellowship at a big city hospital. Their hopes would be dashed when he said no. Especially Esther’s. She anticipated spending time with Martin, doing many of the things they’d always hoped to do together, but they’d both accept his answer as God’s will.

  Kyle couldn’t bring himself to lie to them, though. If he told them the truth about losing his faith, she and the doctor would probably hammer him with Scripture verses to bring him back to God. Might they change their minds about giving him the practice if they knew he’d lost his faith?

  After he’d gone to bed last night, Kyle tossed and turned, weighing all the pros and cons, but despite the many reasons drawing him to stay, many more were urging him to leave. The long hours and hectic schedule of med school had kept him too busy to dwell on his mistakes, failures, and losses. In the same way, a challenging fellowship might prevent him from agonizing over the past. The slower-paced lifestyle here would force him to face his previous actions—and his guilt.

  Yet he still hadn’t come up with the courage—or the words—to tell the Hesses his final decision. It might be easier to say no to Dr. Hess when they were alone in the car, driving to the airport tonight. With darkness surrounding them, he wouldn’t have to read the sadness in the doctor’s eyes. And he wouldn’t have to see Esther’s hopes dashed. Besides, darkness made it easier to hide lies and guilt.

  “Kyle?” Esther’s soft voice startled him back to the office, where he’d joined Dr. Hess for the day. “Would you be willing to drive my car to the Stoltzfus Natural Products Store to pick up some prenatal vitamins for a patient who’ll be coming in later today? She can’t afford them, so we’ll pay for them. Have them put the items on our personal account.”

  Still groggy after his sleepless night, Kyle took the list, money, directions, and car keys she handed him. Was there no end to the Hesses’ generosity? He’d seen Esther lower charges for doctor visits for several uninsured people today, they handed out medicines they’d paid for as free samples, they bought items for a needy mother, and they planned to turn their practice over to a virtual stranger. What would motivate that kind of giving?

  The cold wind outdoors drove the last of the cobwebs from Kyle’s fogged brain. Didn’t Leah’s family own a natural products store? Most likely this was the same one. Af
ter all, how many of those stores would be located in this rural area? He hoped Leah wouldn’t be there. He had no desire to spar with her again. Or did he? Last night at dinner, he’d imagined arguing with her would be fun.

  When he turned into the parking lot, a huge delivery truck blocked the entrance. Kyle swerved around it and parked near a side fence. Hunching into his coat, he crossed the parking lot and rounded the delivery truck to find the driver pacing the sidewalk.

  Kyle headed toward the glass entrance door.

  “Wouldn’t bother if I were you,” the driver said. “Nobody’s here.”

  “But it says it’s open from nine to six today.” Kyle glanced at the sign and checked his watch. “It’s only three.”

  The driver pointed to the CLOSED sign and the clock, with its hands pointing to five o’clock. “Evidently, she doesn’t plan to get back until five. What am I supposed to do?”

  “Five? I was supposed to pick up a few things.”

  The driver stamped his feet and blew on his reddened hands. “They knew I was coming today. We prescheduled it. I have other deliveries to do, and I need to get this order off the truck so I can reach the boxes for my other delivery.”

  Kyle longed to get out of the wind, but he felt sorry for the man. “Can you leave the packages by the door?”

  “I sometimes do, but this order has a bunch of glass bottles filled with liquid. They could freeze and shatter.”

  “How many are there? Would they fit in the car over there?”

  The driver looked at him like he was crazy. “Sure, man, I’ll just load the boxes into some stranger’s car.”