Cole's Mistake (Haven, Texas Book 8)

by Laylah Roberts

  Joel shook his head. “I didn’t live with him all the time. I had a life outside that house. You didn’t have an escape.”

  “You’re being awfully fucking understanding considering what an asshole I was.”

  “Not saying I forgive you. But life is fucking short and at any moment it can be taken from you.”

  Cole knew he was talking about his sister.

  “So, you show me you’ve changed, and I’d be willing to try to forgive. But, out of the three of you, they are my priority.”

  It maybe should have hurt, his brother putting them first. But all he felt was fucking gratitude that Joel was taking care of them.

  “It’s nothing less than I expect or want. I’m glad they have you watching out for them.”

  Joel let out a breath. “Christ, I hope this change is for real, Cole. That it’s not an act. That this is really you.”

  “It is. And I’ll show you. All of you.”

  “All right. Then you’ll promise me when the time is right, that you’ll tell them everything.”

  “Yes. It’s what I would have done anyway.”

  “Why wait so long to go looking for them?” Joel asked. “Why send them away in the first place?”

  “Because there was someone threatening me with exposing what the three of us did. Because I thought by sending them away it would keep them safe. But mainly because I was fucking blind. Because I didn’t realize what was really important. I should have chosen them and I didn’t, and I’ve regretted it ever since. It took me longer than I would have liked to come to my senses. I realize I don’t deserve their forgiveness, certainly I don’t deserve to have a second chance. But if I can help them in anyway, I want to do that.”

  “Is the threat eliminated?”

  “Yes,” he said darkly. “I took care of that. I quit the board. I sold my shares. I even sold the penthouse. I’m jobless and homeless. I have all the time in the fucking world to help them. I know this isn’t about me.” Not anymore.

  10

  Julian paced back and forth across the living room.

  “Julian, it will be all right.” Keira curled up in the corner sofa. It was so large it dwarfed her tiny frame. Fuck, was she losing more weight? Christ, he wasn’t looking after her properly. She still limped when she got tired, which happened a lot. When was the last time she’d been for a checkup? Damn it, he couldn’t remember. He should know this stuff. He should be paying attention.

  What sort of husband was he? What sort of Dom?

  Obviously a pretty fucking bad one if Joel suggested she needed a new one. Joel was the only person on the planet he trusted besides his wife. If he thought she needed this . . . Julian wanted her to get what she needed.

  Even if it killed him that he wasn’t enough for her.

  How can you be enough for her? How can you help her when you can’t help yourself? He knew that. He knew the way he acted wasn’t normal. He wasn’t right. And he couldn’t fail Keira again. Look what happened last time.

  “When was the last time you went in for a checkup?” he asked abruptly.

  “What?” She looked at him in surprise.

  “With Doc. For your leg. You were limping before.”

  “Oh, I think I just tweaked it when I moved too fast earlier.”

  Trying to get away after he’d decked Cole. Fuck. When he’d seen him walking inside the restaurant, looking just like he had when he’d left them years ago, no, looking better, he’d seen red. He’d lost it.

  You shouldn’t have done that in front of Keira.

  “I want you to make an appointment to have it checked,” he told her. It was time he took his role as her husband and Dom more seriously.

  “I’m fine.”

  He stilled. Turned to her. “It’s time to stop saying that, Keira. You’re not fine. I’m not fine.”

  She sucked in a breath. “You-you’re admitting there’s something wrong?”

  Fuck. Fucking fuck.

  He slumped down next to her and leaned his elbows on his knees staring down at his feet. “I’ve been fucking this all up.”

  A small hand hesitantly slipped over his thigh. Fuck, was she scared to touch him?

  “Julian?”

  “I’ve been trying to pretend everything is all right. I thought if I did that then maybe it would be, you know? Maybe we’d just magically fix ourselves. Instead everything gets more fucked up every day.”

  She leaned her head against his arm. “We can’t keep going like this.”

  “No, we can’t.”

  “Do you think Joel was right? That we need a Dom to help us?”

  “I don’t know. But nothing else is working.”

  She ran her hand up and down his thigh. “Can you let Jardin help you? Us?”

  He blew out a breath. That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? “I don’t trust him. Don’t really know him. Definitely don’t trust him with you.”

  She sighed. It was a sad little sound. “It’s not going to work.”

  He reached for her, pulling her onto his lap. She snuggled in like the kitten he’d once called her. How long since he’d held her on his lap? How long since they’d cuddled like this? Had he been keeping her at arm’s length? Why?

  How many nights had he lain on this couch instead of in their bed? He’d told himself it was because he couldn’t sleep and he didn’t want to keep her awake, but had he ever checked she was sleeping? Had he hurt her by moving away?

  Of course he had.

  “I’m sorry, Keira. I’m so sorry for failing you.”

  “Hey. What are you talking about?” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “You haven’t failed me. You always take care of me.”

  “Baby, we both know that’s not true. I watch you like a hawk because I’m scared of someone hurting you, when I’ve been hurting you. I just didn’t see it. I’ve been putting an emotional distance between us and I don’t know why.”

  “I thought maybe it was because you blamed me.”

  “Blamed you? Why the fuck would I blame you?” He stared at her in shock.

  “It was all my fault,” she whispered. Then her hands left his and she wrapped her arms around herself. Oh, he didn’t like that. Not one bit. But could he blame her? How many nights had he left her alone to comfort herself?

  Fuck. He hated himself right now.

  “Baby, it was not your fault.”

  “I met him first. I wanted him. I didn’t see him for what he was. I talked you into going with him.”

  “Fuck.” He stood, holding her in his arms as he walked to the kitchen. He wanted to see her face as he spoke to her. They were having this out. There and then. Should have happened months ago and that was on him. But it was ending. He set her on the kitchen counter and put his arms on either side of her, his hands resting on the countertop.

  “Look at me.”

  She kept her gaze on her lap. Fuck . . . should he . . . he sucked in a breath. Time to take back who you are.

  “Kitten, look at me now.” He used his Dom voice for the first time in what felt like forever. He’d had it beaten out of him. Been punished so many times for not being submissive enough until he’d learned to fake it. And then somewhere along the way, he’d completely lost who he was.

  He was a switch. For Keira, he was her Dom. For someone else, maybe, one day, he could submit.

  Nausea bubbled at the idea.

  Or maybe not. He didn’t know if he had that in him anymore. And, right now, that wasn’t what was important. Keira was. And this ridiculous belief that she was to blame had to stop. He wasn’t putting up with it.

  Her gaze rose to his, her surprise clear. “I haven’t . . . you haven’t called me that since—”

  “I know, baby. And I’m sorry. My only excuse is . . . he messed with my head and I—” his voice broke and she shifted forward, wrapping her arms around him, comforting him when he’d meant to help her. He buried his face in her neck.

  “I’m not sure how we’re
ever supposed to be normal again,” she whispered to him.

  “Maybe we’re not meant to be normal. And that’s okay. As long as we’re together. As long as we love each other. As long as we can be happy.”

  “Yeah. I guess so.”

  He drew her back, looking into her gaze. “You are not to blame, Keira.” He shook his head as she started to speak. “No, listen to me now. If I hadn’t been attracted to him, if I hadn’t wanted to go, nothing you said would have changed my mind. We were both hurting. We were both looking for something. And we both made the mistake. If anyone’s at fault, it’s me. I didn’t protect you.”

  She cupped his face between her cool hands. She always seemed to be cold now. He worried about her circulation. She had to be lacking vitamins and nutrients. He definitely needed to get her to the doctor; her health had been neglected for too long.

  “It’s not your fault either. You always protect me. You couldn’t have known what would happen.”

  “Neither could you.”

  They stared at one another and she gave him a nod. “All right. Neither of us were at fault. That’s a breakthrough, right?”

  “It is.” Even if it might take some time to sink in.

  “If you don’t want to do this, don’t want to bring Jardin in, then I get it. I understand.”

  “I don’t,” he said to her honestly. “I don’t know how I’ll react. I don’t like knowing I’m not enough for you.”

  She scowled. “You are enough for me,” she said fiercely. “He’s not going to be part of us. Our relationship. He’ll be more like a tool. Like Molly.”

  Julian raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Like to see Molly taking a paddle to your ass.”

  “Do . . . do you think he plans to punish us?” Her breath came in shallow pants, and he realized she was starting to panic.

  “Keira. Look at me. Look at me.” Fuck. Nothing he did ever seemed to help when she had a panic attack. But he’d never used his Dom voice on her. She was gasping for breath, hyperventilating. Shit. She’d pass out if this kept up.

  “Kitten, listen to me. Now. Look at me.”

  Her gaze shot to his. “Slow your breath. Slow it now. One, two, in. One, two, three, out.” He grasped hold of her hand and placed it on his chest. “Follow my breaths. One, two, in. One, two, three, out. That’s it. Calm down, baby girl. Nothing is going to hurt you. No one touches you without your permission, understand me?”

  “I can’t . . . I won’t allow him to—”

  “Then that doesn’t happen,” he told her, cursing himself for bringing it up.

  Her color started to improve. Not much, but at least she no longer looked gray. He leaned his forehead against hers.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know I overreacted.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “But this won’t work if I don’t submit to him, right? I mean . . .”

  He curled his hands into fists on the countertop. He didn’t want her submitting to anyone but him.

  The image of a gorgeous, dark-haired man filled his mind. No! Not him. Never him. He’d never trust that bastard again.

  But Julian knew he needed help. He couldn’t watch her all the time. If he kept going like this, he was going to crash and be no use to anyone. Look at how bad things had gotten. Keira had been blaming herself all this time and he hadn’t even noticed.

  “Why don’t we wait and see what Jardin has to say before we start worrying about these sorts of things? Maybe he’ll say no. And if he does say yes, then Joel suggested we start with getting to know him. If it doesn’t gel with us, if it doesn’t feel right, then we’ll walk away.”

  “And then what?” she whispered.

  “I’m gonna try harder to be what you need, kitten.” He cupped her face, wiping away the tears that dripped down her face.

  “You are everything I need. I wish I was stronger. That I didn’t need you so much, then maybe you’d have time to heal. If I wasn’t so weak then maybe I could help you.”

  “Baby, you help me just by being here.” He took in a deep breath. “From now on, we’re going to talk to each other more, all right? If you’re scared or stressed or worried, you tell me.”

  “And you’ll do the same?”

  He’d been raised to believe a man didn’t admit to being scared. But he’d been raised by a man who hated everyone, who thought the world owed him something, who sat on his ass and let his wife work herself to the bone because “he was a man.”

  “I will,” he said firmly.

  She sniffled and he reached over to grab a tissue, gently wiping her face clean.

  “I like Jardin,” she confessed. “But I don’t feel anything towards him. And I’m not sure I can trust him.”

  “I know what you mean. But we both trust Joel, right?”

  She nodded.

  “And he thinks Jardin is the right guy for this. I’m not feeling it myself. But if it helps you to start healing then I can deal.”

  “But this isn’t just about me.”

  “I don’t think I can submit to him. I’ve only ever done that with two people.” And only once had he submitted freely and willingly.

  And both times had ended in disaster.

  “So, I’m the only one doing this?”

  He wasn’t being fair, he realized. “No, I’m here. For whatever you need. Maybe this can work for me too. We’ll have to wait and see. But if we go ahead with this and there’s something you can’t do or don’t want to do then all you need do is say your safeword.”

  She nodded shakily. “Right. I guess. I just suppose I don’t know how this will work if I’m terrified of him touching me, p-punishing me.”

  He closed his eyes at the fear in her voice. Not that he blamed her. Not one bit. He still had nightmares of punishments he’d received.

  “What Vincento did to us, it wasn’t consensual or sane. It was abuse. Jardin isn’t like that.” But how do you know for sure? Those self-doubts would kill him.

  “No, I know. I’m just not sure how I would react to-to a punishment.”

  “Spanking is off the table then.”

  She looked like she was about to protest. “What will he do if I break a rule then?

  “I don’t know. We have to discuss it with Jardin, I guess. But we’ll tell him there is nothing physical between him and us.”

  “Maybe . . . I mean, I might not freak out if you . . . if you were willing to . . . only if you wanted to. I mean, we could test it right now.”

  He had to blink back tears. Something else a man never did. Wouldn’t his father be ashamed of him? But he hated how she hesitated. She shouldn’t ever be scared to ask him for something.

  “Are you saying you want me to spank you? To see whether you can be spanked without . . .”

  “Without losing it. Yeah. Will you?”

  11

  She was kind of shocked she’d worked up the courage to ask him. She’d been thinking about it for a while. She felt like everything was locked down tight inside her. She was so busy trying to pretend she was fine, she hardly ever let her real emotions free. Then they tended to spill out when things got too much. When she panicked and couldn’t breathe and felt ill.

  And she hated feeling like that. So out of control and unsure of everything.

  A spanking used to be therapeutic for her. She’d talked with Molly about it and the other woman thought it would be a good idea, in a safe environment, to test how she reacted.

  Except, she’d been too scared to ask Julian. Worried he might not be able to handle it. Afraid she’d ask too much and upset him.

  “Kitten, are you sure?” he asked in a soft voice. He reached out and tilted up her chin. “I don’t want to do anything that might remind you of him.”

  “You could never remind me of him,” she told him fiercely.

  His eyebrows rose.

  “You were there with me, Julian. You’re the only person who knows what he was like. Who knows what he did to us.
You’re the person I trust most in the world. I know you’re not him. And I hate that he took this from us. Before . . . before me met Vincento, this all felt right. We’ve lost our way. We’ve lost that part of ourselves, and I want to see if we can regain some of it. You know I’ve always found it hard to talk about things that are worrying me or letting myself process through stuff properly. And that’s only gotten worse since.”

  “I know, baby. I’m sorry I didn’t see how you were struggling.”

  “I should be able to do it myself. I’m weak.”

  “Kitten, look at me.” His voice was stern, brooking no argument.

  She raised her gaze up to his. “I’m so ashamed that I’m not stronger. That I can’t help you.”

  “You think I don’t feel the same way?”

  “You always help me. Just by being here. By loving me.”

  “You do the same for me, kitten.” He cupped her face between his hands.

  “Can we try? What we have is nothing like what he did to us.”

  “But you said you felt ill at the thought of someone touching you like that.”

  “Of Jardin doing it,” she pointed out. “Anyone, except you.”

  And maybe Cole, but she wasn’t going there. He was the ticking time bomb in the room. A topic to be skirted over but never delved into with any depth in case it exploded.

  “You’re my safe place, Julian. And I need to do something. Therapy isn’t enough, and Molly, well, she suggested trying this might help.”

  “Jesus, your therapist suggested I spank you?”

  She shrugged. “Well, it is Molly. She’s not exactly conventional.”

  Julian snorted. “No, she’s not. She better not make that fucking suggestion to me.”

  “You don’t think I could wield a paddle?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “I know you’d best never try,” he growled at her. A shiver ran across her skin. Oh, yes, this felt right. After they’d first escaped Vincento, she couldn’t imagine doing anything like that again. That she would even want to. But now, she wondered how she’d gone without it for so long. Maybe they’d waited too long, thinking time would heal everything. When sometimes time can work against you. Sometimes, it lets you think too much, makes everything seem worse than it is.