Revenge of the Living Ted

by Barry Hutchison

  “Please, no applause,” he said, even though nobody had been giving him any. He paced forwards, addressing the mismatched crowd of bears. “Lookin’ good,” he said, pointing and winking at a bear in a tutu. The bear giggled a little, then blushed.

  “So, you’re alive again,” said Grizz, raising his cannon-arm. “Don’t worry. I can soon change that.”

  “Not so fast, son,” said Bearvis. He twisted his hips and adopted a dramatic stance. “A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four,” Bearvis boomed, and then he began to sing.

  For such a small teddy, Bearvis had a powerful set of lungs. The song he sang was an up-tempo rock number about being a ‘lovin’ teddy bear,’ and many of the bears found their feet tapping along to the beat, which made Grizz furious.

  “Don’t just stand there watching that idiot. Go get him!”

  Three soldiers, two ballerinas and a bear dressed like a Mexican wrestler, raced towards Bearvis just as he reached the high notes of the chorus. Before they could pounce on him, Bearvis sidestepped clear and Tiny Norman charged in, using his bulk to scatter the soldier-bears like skittles.

  “What the…?” Grizz growled, then a banshee scream from on high made him look up. Doris the Teeth and Holey Dan burst from the air vents and dropped into the middle of the army. Twelve other bears dropped down behind them, screeching and howling and lashing out with as many limbs as they had available.

  “We’re under attack!” roared one of the soldiers. He and several others turned to run, only to be blocked by Uncle Noface, Cousin Upside Down and the bear without a head.

  The Duds all raised their paws and waved them ominously, while Cousin Upside Down let out a low, ghostly moan.

  “Arr! Who are these bears?” a pirate bear yelped. “Where they be coming from?”

  “And why’s that one got no head?” cried a clown bear.

  A soldier-bear raised his ray gun. “They’ll all have no heads in a minute,” he growled.

  A blur of sequins slammed into the soldier-bear, flooring him with a spinning karate kick and sending his ray gun clattering across the ground.

  “Well, hey now,” said Bearvis. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”

  Next door, Lisa Marie positioned herself in front of the computer screen. Theodore stood behind her, shuffling nervously from foot to foot. “You know how to work this contraption, yes?”

  Lisa Marie cracked her knuckles and waggled her fingers above the keyboard. “Yes. I think so. I mean, I’m sure I’ll work it out,” she said.

  Theodore gulped. “That does not fill me with confidence.”

  “Grizz’s artificial intelligence is still new, so it’s still learning. I can stop it now before it gets too smart.”

  The keys clacked as her fingers flew across them. “Right. So, I just need to access the central processing core, then reprogramme the primary functions.”

  She tapped several more keys. With each button she pressed, a frown grew deeper on her face. “That’s weird,” she said. “I can’t find any trace of him.”

  Theodore let out a little squeak of excitement. “Did Mummy Bear take back control?”

  Lisa Marie jabbed a few more buttons. “No. No, it’s like the system has been wiped. Or, no, not wiped. More like—”

  “Downloaded,” said a voice from behind them.

  They turned to find Ursine Kodiak pointing a teddy-bear-sized ray gun at Lisa Marie. “He’s no longer in there. He made me build him a body,” Ursine said. He tried to smile, then whimpered as he slapped himself in the face. “It wasn’t my fault. He implanted me with a control chip, you see? I’m under his command.”

  His eyes seemed to bulge in fear. He dropped his voice to a whisper. “Red wire. The red wire,” he said, staring meaningfully at Lisa Marie. She looked around for a red wire but couldn’t see one anywhere.

  “What do you mean?” Lisa Marie asked.

  “Doesn’t matter,” Ursine said, his voice a terrified giggle. “Too late. It’s too late.”

  Theodore looked Ursine up and down. “Oh, you must be Him Upstairs. You’re the man in charge.”

  Ursine shook his head. “If only. I’m not in charge any more. Grizz is the master now. All I can do is follow orders.”

  As if to prove this point, he poked himself in one eye, then tugged sharply on his beard.

  “I’m sorry. I really am. I wanted you to rule the world with me.”

  He gave himself a shake. “Save the world, I mean. I wanted you to save the world with me. But my orders are very clear, I’m afraid. I have to stun you and bring you to him.” He raised the ray gun. “I really am terribly sorry.”

  Lisa Marie raised her hands. “No, don’t!” she yelped.

  “It won’t hurt you,” Ursine said. “It’ll only knock you out.”

  “I don’t want to be knocked out!” Lisa Marie protested.

  Ursine’s finger tightened on the trigger. Lisa Marie screwed her eyes shut and braced herself.

  “Poop.”

  Lisa Marie opened one eye.

  “Poop. Poop. Smiley face,” said Ursine.

  Lisa Marie and Theodore exchanged glances.

  “Smiley face, Sassy girl, Sassy girl, poop, poop, thumbs up, thumbs up, smiley face.”

  The words tumbled faster and faster from Ursine’s mouth, his eyes widening in panic as he realized he couldn’t stop. The gun fell from his grasp and clattered to the floor.

  “Pooppooppoopsmileyfacesassygirlsassygi rlthumbsuptongueoutpooppooppoo—”

  Ursine’s whole body went stiff as a board, then toppled backwards on to the floor.

  “Pooooooooooooooooooop,” he concluded, then his eyes closed and he began to snore.

  Theodore raised his furry eyebrows. “Well now,” he muttered. “There’s something you don’t see every day. Did you do that?”

  “It’s like someone flooded his control chip,” Lisa Marie said. “But it wasn’t me.”

  A metal grate fell out of the wall beside her. Vernon squeezed through the gap, his mobile phone in his hand, a broad grin on his face. “Hey, sis,” he said, holding up the phone to show a screen filled with emojis. “You miss me?”

  Lisa Marie raced over to Vernon and gave him a hug. “Vernon! It was you! You saved me!”

  Vernon accepted the hug at first, but then caught Theodore smiling at them and brushed her away.

  “All right, all right, get off,” he said.

  “So … wait. Was the emoji thing your big secret plan?” Lisa Marie asked. “Because if it was, then it was really just my plan from earlier which you copied.”

  “No! I mean, yes, I did use your emoji trick just then, but that wasn’t where I went earlier,” Vernon said. He straightened his back and proudly puffed out his chest. “I found a way to call for help.”

  Lisa Marie gasped. “You phoned the police?”

  Vernon shuffled awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. “Um, not exactly. I’ll explain later. I’ve left Sir Hopsalot guarding Cuddlyplump and Mr Fluffton. What’s happening up here?”

  “I thought I could hack the central processing core and turn Grizz off, but he’s not in there any more,” Lisa Marie said. “He’s got a body.”

  Vernon frowned. “What kind of body?”

  “Um … that kind,” said Theodore. He was pointing to the screen, which now showed a towering robo-bear surrounded by soldiers, two lollipop ladies and a little beach bear with a Hawaiian shirt and a surboard. To Lisa Marie’s dismay, Bearvis and the Duds were all kneeling on the floor in front of him, their hands behind their heads.

  “Hey there,” boomed Grizz’s voice through the screen’s speakers. “Thanks for sending me all your friends to play with. I had a great time.”

  “Leave them alone!” Lisa Marie warned.

  “I tell you what. I’ll make you a deal,” said Grizz. “You come through here and give yourself up, and I won’t turn them all into balls of stuffing. What do you say?”

  Vernon caught Lisa Marie by the arm. “
You can’t,” he said.

  Lisa Marie straightened her back and lifted her head. “I have to,” she said, and Vernon knew from the look on her face that there was no point trying to argue.

  “Don’t worry about me,” she said. “Go and try to get that help you called to hurry up.”

  Vernon shook his head. “You’re kidding, right? We’re going together.”

  He held a hand out and Lisa Marie took it. Tears sprung to her eyes, but she smiled through them. “Weird couple of days, huh?”

  Vernon snorted. “You can say that again.”

  Theodore took Lisa Marie’s other hand. “I’m with you too,” he said. “I may not have known you long, but I’m proud to stand by your side.”

  “Thank you,” said Lisa Marie. She took a deep breath, then all three of them crossed the factory floor and passed through the doorway into the next room. Several ray guns, tank turrets, custard pies and missiles all took aim at them as they walked towards the robotic Grizz and his helpless hostages.

  Bearvis nodded sadly at Lisa Marie, and she felt guilty that he seemed to be apologizing. This wasn’t his fault. This was nobody’s fault but her own. She should never have sent Bearvis and the others into danger. How could she have been so stupid?

  “OK, we’re here,” said Lisa Marie. “Now let them go.”

  “I will,” Grizz agreed. “Just as soon as I’ve chipped them all and placed them under my control.”

  “What? No! That wasn’t the deal,” Lisa Marie cried.

  “Deal? There was no ‘deal’, meatbag!” Grizz snarled. “I’m in charge here. I make the decisions. I’ve won. I’m going to chip these bears, then you’re going to watch as we roll down the hill and first take over your meatbag town, then your meatbag country, then the whole meatbag—”

  Beside him, a teddy bear’s head went bang, showering him in fluff and fragments of fur.

  A whole row behind him went next, each of their heads bursting open until clumps of fluff filled the air like tiny clouds.

  “What is this?” Grizz demanded.

  “Oh man, they came,” Vernon whispered. “They actually came!”

  Bang! B-Bang, bang! More soldier-teddies exploded. From over by the doorway there came a sharp cackle of glee. Drake and a group of other boys raced in through the open doorway, frantically tapping at their phone screens.

  “You were right, Vern!” Drake bellowed. Behind him, his cronies cheered as a couple of clown teds and a ballerina bear lost their heads. “This is awesome!”

  Lisa Marie gasped. “You convinced Drake to help us?”

  Vernon smirked. “Well, not exactly, but more or less. I gave them the WiFi code for the private network here and told them exactly how they could spoil a teddy bear parade. The rest just took care of itself.”

  “You’re a genius!” Lisa Marie told him.

  “Stop them!” bellowed Grizz, but most of the soldiers were twitching and spasming now as their control chips were flooded with emojis.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s take care of business,” Bearvis commanded. As one, the Duds pounced on the closest soldiers, wrestling their weapons away and knocking them to the ground.

  Bearvis launched a flying kick at Grizz, but an enormous robotic hand swatted him to the floor. “You three have done it again!” Grizz roared. “Why can’t you just let me win?”

  He growled at them, his robotic face twisting in rage. “Well, it’s not over yet!”

  There was a flash from the robo-bear’s feet and Grizz rose unsteadily into the air on a cushion of fire, forcing Bearvis and the other teddies to scatter.

  “I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone!” Grizz bellowed. “I can take out the town all by myself. Just you watch me!”

  He rocketed upwards, his dense metal body punching a hole right through the roof. Lisa Marie and Vernon raced through the sea of exploding soldier-bears until they found Bearvis.

  “He’s escaping. What do we do?” Vernon yelped.

  Lisa Marie looked around, searching for something – anything – that might help. Her eyes fell on one of the fighter jets. They were teddy-bear sized, but the teddies they’d been built for were almost as big as she was. It would be a squeeze, but there was no other choice.

  “Vernon, stay here and make sure none of Grizz’s bears escape,” she said, racing towards the planes. “Bearvis, come with me.”

  “Where are you going?” asked Vernon.

  “Where we always go,” said Lisa Marie, throwing open a jet’s canopy and clambering inside. “To save the day!”

  Bearvis sat behind the controls, staring at them with a look on his face that suggested he had no idea what any of them did. This was a bit worrying, as they had already taken off and were now flying straight for one of the bunker’s solid concrete walls.

  “Turn!” Lisa Marie cried. She was wedged into the seat behind him, her knees tucked under her chin.

  “Sure thing, honey,” Bearvis drawled. “Uh, any idea how?”

  “The control-pad thing!”

  “This control-pad thing?”

  “It’s the only control-pad thing there!” Lisa Marie squealed.

  Bearvis jerked the little stick on the control pad and the jet banked sharply to the right. Everyone in the bunker who hadn’t already been blown to pieces by emojis screamed and threw themselves to the floor as the plane roared above them, its thrusters spewing flames, its sleek wings slicing through the air.

  The jet tilted. Sparks sprayed as the tip of one wing scraped the underside of the door frame, and then it rocketed out of the bunker and Lisa Marie shivered in the sudden cold of the world outside.

  “Do you see him?” she cried, searching the sky.

  “It’s a big old airspace, honey,” Bearvis said. “Finding him is gonna be like finding a needle in a… No, wait. There he is.”

  He pointed to where a large metal teddy bear was racing through the sky with flames billowing from his feet.

  “That was actually a whole lot easier than I thought,” Bearvis said. “I mean, it’s kinda hard to miss him.”

  “He’s heading for town. We have to stop him!” said Lisa Marie, then she covered her head with her hands as a missile screamed past them from behind.

  Bearvis glanced back over his shoulder. “Uh-oh. We got incoming.”

  Lisa Marie looked back to see another jet chasing them. A bear dressed like a cowboy was in the pilot’s seat, his hat pulled low on his head. He opened fire with another tiny missile, forcing Bearvis to swing the plane out of its path.

  “More of them, look!” Lisa Marie said, as two more planes flew out of the bunker.

  “Aw, man, that ain’t good,” said Bearvis. He sent the jet into a dive, then pulled up sharply, avoiding another of the missiles. “I can’t dodge these guys forever.”

  A voice crackled from the control console. “Don’t worry. I’ve got them.”

  Lisa Marie gasped. “Vernon? Is that you?”

  She looked back just as one of the chasing jets went into a spin and crashed into the hillside. Another plane appeared behind it, slicing gracefully through the sky. To Lisa Marie’s surprise, the cockpit was empty.

  “Turns out you can take the control pads off and fly them remotely,” Vernon’s voice continued. “It’s just like playing Battle War 2!”

  There was a bang as another of the pursuing jets crashed.

  “Now, I’ve got these guys,” Vernon said. “Go and stop Grizz!”

  Lisa Marie gave Bearvis a squeeze on the shoulder. “You heard him. Let’s go and stop that robo-bear!”

  “Ten-four, honey!” He jammed the control stick to the right and the jet swung around until it was directly behind Grizz.

  “We’re on his tail, little darlin’!” Bearvis announced. “Now what? Shoot him with missiles?”

  “No,” said Lisa Marie, shouting to make herself heard over the roaring of the wind. “It’s too dangerous. We might miss and hit the town.”

  “I guess we could crash i
nto him,” Bearvis said. He winced. “Though that’s probably gonna hurt us more than it hurts him.”

  “Get closer. I have an idea,” Lisa Marie said.

  “Sorry, honey, I don’t know if this hunka junk can go any faster.”

  “Sure it can.” Lisa Marie leaned over and pressed a button marked ‘Afterburners’. “This should do the job,” she said.

  Or rather, that’s what she tried to say. What she actually said was, “This should WAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” as a pulsing blue flame ignited behind the jet and launched it screaming through the sky.

  In a second, they had halfway closed the gap on the robo-Grizz. Bearvis wrestled with the controls, steering the jet towards the rocketing robo-bear.

  “We’re almost on him, little darlin’,” Bearvis said. “You want me to smash into him and see what happens?”

  “No,” said Lisa Marie. “Just get us as close as you can.”

  “That ain’t gonna be a problem,” Bearvis told her. The afterburner was hurtling them in Grizz’s direction at incredible speed. Any second now, they’d shoot right over the top of him.

  Lisa Marie realized she had no time to lose. She didn’t know what she was going to do, exactly, but she had to do something, and do it now. Her body began moving before her brain had come up with a plan. Unsquashing herself from the aeroplane’s seat, she scrambled to her feet, briefly wondered if she’d lost her mind, then jumped.

  Distance-wise, the jump wasn’t all that impressive. She travelled just a couple of metres, most of which was in a downward direction. The fact she was jumping from a moving plane on to a flying robot earned her a whole lot of style points, though.

  She landed on Grizz’s back, slid sideways, and frantically grasped for a handhold. She gave a yelp of triumph as her fingers dug beneath a sheet of armour plating and she jerked to a stop, her legs dangling over the long drop to the ground far below.

  Bearvis and the jet screamed on, swooping low over the town and almost crashing into the church spire.