Paper Love

by Jae

  “There was one…or rather several throughout the centuries, but they were all destroyed in one war or another. You can still see the ruins in some places, though.”

  Finally, a thirty-meter-high lookout tower rose up in front of them. With its long steel supports it looked like a huge bundle of Mikado sticks. A narrow spiral staircase with hundreds of metal-grate steps circled up to a round platform halfway up and then continued to two other platforms at the very top and slightly below it.

  Susanne paused to catch her breath for a second, then headed toward the tower. Several steps up, she stopped again.

  Anja hadn’t followed her. She stood rooted to the spot at the base of the tower, clutching the metal railing.

  “Aren’t you coming?” Susanne called down to her. “I know this is probably old hat to you, but…”

  “No, that’s not it.” Anja scraped the bottom of her hiking boot along the ground. “I’ve never been up there. I’m, um, not too fond of heights.”

  Susanne jumped down the few steps she had already taken. “We don’t have to go up there if you don’t want to. We can join Franzi and Miriam for some Flammkuchen.”

  “No, no. You go up. I’ll wait here.”

  Susanne hesitated. “But don’t you want to see the view from up there?” She pointed at the top of the tower.

  “Yes, of course I do, but—”

  “Then come on. We’ll do it together.” She offered Anja her hand.

  Anja’s gaze darted back and forth between her hand, her face, and the tower. She swallowed audibly.

  Susanne waited patiently, not pressuring her or trying to grab her hand to pull her up the stairs. Anja had to decide this for herself.

  Finally, Anja loosened her white-knuckled grip on the railing and accepted Susanne’s hand.

  Her fingers were cool and clammy. Susanne entwined them with her own in a secure grip. “You can do this. But if it gets to be too much, just tell me, and we’ll go back down, okay?”

  Anja pressed her lips together and nodded.

  Hand in hand, they took the first step, then another. The staircase was winding and narrow, so they had to walk with their shoulders brushing. Susanne let Anja walk on the outside, where the stairs were broader.

  “Couldn’t they at least have built concrete steps, not these see-through metal grates?” Anja grabbed the railing with her free hand.

  “Don’t look down. Keep your eyes on the horizon.”

  The higher they climbed, the paler Anja became, but she followed Susanne’s advice and kept her gaze on the horizon…or on Susanne.

  When they neared the circular platform halfway up the tower, Susanne paused. “Want to keep going or stay at this level?”

  Anja’s grip on her hand tightened. “Keep going…I think. As long as I focus on the physical activity of climbing, it’s not so bad.”

  “Okay.” Susanne led her higher up on the winding staircase.

  Steps pounded on the metal stairs above them, and a family with two kids climbed down toward them, forcing them to let go of each other’s hand and continue single file so the family could pass.

  As they lost contact with each other, Anja latched on to the back of Susanne’s coat.

  Susanne turned her head to look at her. “You okay?”

  Anja nodded. “Let’s keep going before I lose my courage.” Once the family had passed them, she took up her spot next to Susanne again and they continued.

  They hadn’t even taken two steps before Anja shyly reached over and took her hand again.

  Smiling, Susanne squeezed her fingers. She couldn’t help admiring Anja’s courage.

  It didn’t take long for them to reach the next platform, almost all the way at the top of the tower. There was another, slightly bigger one right above them.

  The muscles in Anja’s jaw tightened, but she marched on without Susanne having to ask if she wanted to go higher up.

  Seconds later, they emerged onto a circular platform. From there, another, much shorter winding set of metal stairs led up to the crow’s nest at the very top of the tower.

  Susanne looked back and forth between it and Anja. “We don’t need to go all the way up…unless you want to.”

  Anja hunched her shoulders against the cold wind and stared up at the crow’s nest. “I made it this far, so what’s a few more steps? No big deal, right?” Her wide-eyed gaze belied her words, though.

  “You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

  “I’m not. I just…” Anja raked her teeth across her bottom lip.

  God, did she have to look so sexy doing that?

  “I feel like I’ve been avoiding things I was too afraid to take a closer look at, and I don’t want to do that anymore.”

  “You mean Paper Love?” Susanne asked.

  Anja nodded. “Yeah. That and maybe a couple of other things. It’s time to face my fears.”

  Susanne’s admiration for her grew. She wondered what other things Anja had been afraid of but decided not to ask. They had already told each other too much for two people who had only just met three weeks ago. But that didn’t mean she would let Anja go through this scary experience alone. “Is there space for two up there?”

  “I think so.”

  “Then let’s go up together. Just like saving Paper Love, you don’t have to do it alone.”

  Anja exhaled shakily. “Thank you.”

  Susanne chuckled. “Don’t thank me yet. I was the one who practically dragged you up here.”

  As they walked to the stairs leading up to the crow’s nest, Anja’s grip on her hand tightened until it was almost painful, but Susanne didn’t complain. She put one foot onto the first step and looked at Anja. “Ready?”

  Instead of an answer, Anja climbed the first step too and then kept going. She mumbled something with every step they took.

  “Are you counting the steps?” Susanne asked.

  Anja stared straight ahead. “No, just telling myself how crazy I am.” A tremor ran through her voice.

  “You’re not crazy. You’re brave.”

  “Debatable.” Anja’s steps slowed, and she stared down at the ground thirty-five meters below. She became even paler, if that was possible. “Oh God, that’s really high.”

  Susanne wanted to take her into her arms and wrap her in a bubble of safety. But since that was not a bright idea, she searched for something to say that would distract her. She asked the first thing that popped into her mind. “That person you kissed in the movie theater…was it a boy or a girl?” As soon as she’d said it, she wanted to take it back.

  At least it got Anja to look up, away from the ground, to stare at her. “Uh, what?”

  “Forget it, okay? I was just trying to distract you. And it worked. Look where we are.”

  Anja looked around as if only now realizing they had reached the crow’s nest. The tiny platform was shaped like a half-circle and was just big enough for two people if they didn’t mind being close—and Susanne didn’t mind at all.

  They huddled together, with the wind tugging on their coats and hair. Up here, she could sense the slight swaying of the steel tower beneath her feet.

  Susanne told herself that it was the incredible three-hundred-and-sixty-degree view, not Anja’s proximity, that took her breath away.

  Below her, the spire of the cathedral soared above the gables of surrounding buildings. She could make out the Rhine Valley and the Vosges in the distance, while the hills and mountains of the Black Forest framed them from the other side.

  “Wow,” Anja murmured next to her. “My knees feel like overcooked spaghetti, and my stomach has relocated to my throat, but this might actually be worth it.”

  “Yeah.” Susanne chuckled. “I feel like spreading my arms wide and shouting, ‘I’m the king of the world.’”

  “Queen. And it was a boy.”

  “What?”

  They faced each other. The wind had put some color back into Anja’s cheeks.

  “The person I kissed
in the movie theater. It was a boy.”

  “Oh. And you didn’t like it?” Susanne couldn’t keep herself from asking. Her feeble attempts at staying professional had been doomed the moment she had agreed to spend part of the weekend with Anja.

  “He was cute and all, but it was so awkward.” Anja let out a laugh that sounded nervous. “Neither of us had any idea how to kiss. One of my best friends volunteered to teach me, and kissing her was…oh wow. It was pretty confusing because I knew I liked boys too.”

  “And you never suspected you might be bisexual before that?”

  “No. I mean, I had crushes on a girl or two, but I thought they were just straight girl crushes. I thought everyone felt that way. Until Nicole kissed me.”

  Despite the cold wind, Susanne felt warm all over. Maybe the height was getting to her too, or maybe it was the mention of a kiss, but Susanne couldn’t look away from Anja’s lips.

  They trembled just the tiniest bit.

  “Are you still scared?” Susanne asked, her voice low.

  “No. Yes.”

  “Which one?”

  “I…I’m scared…and a little cold,” Anja said.

  Susanne moved even closer to provide some warmth and comfort.

  Anja gripped her coat again, this time bunching her fingers into the fabric at Susanne’s hips.

  They stared into each other’s eyes. Susanne’s gaze darted down to Anja’s mouth, which seemed to be coming closer and closer until Susanne could feel her warm breath on her lips.

  This is wrong. So wrong. Oh God. Her eyes fluttered shut.

  A pounding noise made Anja jerk away at the last moment.

  Susanne’s eyes flew open. She needed a second to realize it wasn’t her thumping heartbeat but another person tramping up the stairs.

  He paused halfway up and shaded his eyes with his hand. “Are you coming down?”

  That was exactly how Susanne felt—like a drug addict coming down from a high, crashing back into reality. She wasn’t sure her vocal cords would work, so she just nodded.

  Without saying anything, they squeezed past him, went back down to the platform, and then kept going as if by a silent agreement.

  “Are you okay?” Susanne asked after a few steps. Then she realized that Anja might interpret it as an invitation to talk about that near kiss, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that. “I mean, with your fear of heights, going down is probably not any easier. If you need to hold on to me…” She held out her hand.

  Anja visibly hesitated. “Not a good idea.”

  “Holding my hand? Or…?” Susanne pointed toward the crow’s nest.

  “The latter…both… I don’t know.”

  They paused on the second platform, which was thankfully empty except for them.

  Susanne ran her hand through her wind-ruffled hair. “You’re right. I mean, we both know I’m not staying, and we’re starting to work really well together. It would be madness to risk that for a fling that can’t go anywhere…right?”

  “Uh, right.”

  Had there been a flash of regret in Anja’s eyes?

  Don’t flatter yourself. Move on. “So we’re fine? I, um, I like working with you, and I don’t want there to be any awkwardness between us.”

  “We’re fine,” Anja said. “No awkwardness.”

  Susanne should have been relieved, but somehow she felt less than satisfied as they continued down the stairs.

  Anja tentatively went from one step to the next, clinging to the railing. Going down was probably even harder for her because now she couldn’t keep her gaze on the horizon; she had to look down so she wouldn’t miss a step.

  Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut, but Susanne couldn’t watch her suffer like this. “Anja? Since we established that we like working together…how about we treat this as a team-building experience?”

  “Meaning?” Anja asked, her voice tense. She continued to stare down at the metal grates and the ground beneath.

  “Rely on your team members to get you down safely.” She extended her hand.

  Anja hesitated. “I never said I like working with you.” A twinkle chased away the scared look in her big eyes.

  “Oh, so you’re suffering through your workdays, and all that laughter I heard from you when we played around with the Instagram filters yesterday was just…what?”

  “Tension,” Anja said with a straight face.

  “So then why don’t I hear the same sounds now? I’d think being up here would make you very tense.”

  “Um, because… Okay, okay, maybe I like working with you too. Not at the beginning, but now you seem…bearable.”

  “Bearable?” Susanne tried her famous ice-queen glare but couldn’t quite manage it. “All right. That’s good enough. Come on.” She stretched out her hand a little farther, and this time Anja reached for it.

  They held on to each other more tentatively than before. The gesture seemed to have lost its innocence.

  Don’t overthink it. It was okay to like working with Anja. Trying to be an effective, emotionless robot at work might have proven successful in her previous job, but it wouldn’t get her far in her uncle’s store. Even liking Anja as a person was okay. As long as she didn’t start liking her too much or giving in to this damn attraction, they would be fine.

  Miri waved until Susanne and Franziska, still standing at the streetcar stop, were out of sight. She dropped into the free seat next to Anja and pulled Gino closer so he wouldn’t get in the way of other passengers. “I never thought I’d ever say this about a dentist, but, God, she’s cute!”

  “Yes, she is.” Anja buried her hand in Gino’s fluffy fur—the same hand that had held on to Susanne’s earlier today. She could still feel the warmth of her skin and the reassuring pressure of her fingers as Susanne had led her up the observation tower. Before she could think too deeply about what had happened—or almost happened—up on the crow’s nest, she shook herself out of her daze. Only then did she realize what she’d just said. “I mean, she seems like a very nice woman, but she lives in Berlin, and if she’s anything like her sister, she has no intention of moving to Freiburg. Plus Susanne said she’s a big flirt. Heck, she even flirted with me when she came to the store yesterday.”

  “Hold your horses. I never said I want to marry her. You know me. I’m the queen of casual dating and hot sex. I’ll leave that whole happily-ever-after commitment thing to you. But you have to admit that she’s cute…and hot.” Miri fanned herself with both hands. “And one hell of a kisser.”

  Anja’s head jerked around. “You…” She lowered her voice so the other passengers wouldn’t be able to listen in. “You kissed her?”

  “Well, technically, she kissed me, but I wasn’t exactly an unwilling participant.” Miri flashed her a grin.

  “Christ, Miri! You’ve known her for all of…what?” She glanced at her wristwatch. “Five hours?”

  “So?” Miri turned in her seat to face her. “Anja, you know I love you to death, but you and I…we’re very different people. If I see something I want, be it a promotion at work or a kiss, I go after it, while you…”

  “While I…what?” Anja prompted when Miri fell silent.

  “While you hesitate and double-check and think about it for so long that by the time you finally make up your mind, your chance is gone.”

  Was that what had happened up there on the crow’s nest? “Well, thinking about it first before jumping in with both feet is a good thing, isn’t it? Otherwise, you could make a mistake that you’ll end up regretting.”

  “So what if you make a mistake or two?” As they approached Betzenhausen, Miri pressed the button for the streetcar to stop and nudged her to get up. “That’s life. Without taking a few risks, you miss out on so many good things.”

  Anja followed her out of the streetcar. “Who says I’m not taking risks?”

  “When was the last time you kissed someone? And I’m talking about an I-want-to-tear-your-clothes-off kind of kiss, not just
a friendly peck on the cheek.”

  Anja’s mind flashed back to that moment on the crow’s nest, with her hands on Susanne’s hips and Susanne’s breath on her lips. That was not a kiss. It was just…a momentary confusion.

  When Anja didn’t answer, Miri did it for her. “Two years ago!”

  Two years, three months, and a couple of days. Not that she was counting or anything.

  “And I know it’s not because you’re still hung up on your ex. You’re just too chickenshit to get involved with someone new and potentially get hurt.”

  “Hey!” As they paused at the intersection where they had to go separate ways, Anja nudged her. “I’m not chickenshit. I’m…risk-averse. But I’m working on it, okay? I’ll have you know that I went all the way up the observation tower earlier.”

  Miri dropped Gino’s leash and then bent to pick it up. “What? Last time I wanted to drag you up there, you said even wild horses couldn’t get you on that thing!”

  Heat crept up Anja’s neck. “There were no horses involved.”

  Miri gave her a knowing look. “Just one business consultant who’s just as hot as her sister.”

  “It wasn’t like that. She just encouraged me, and she was with me every step of the way, so climbing the tower wasn’t as scary.”

  “So I take it you don’t think she’s an ass anymore?”

  It was hard to believe that she’d ever thought that, but Susanne hadn’t exactly been on her best behavior at first. “No. She’s not an ass.” She held up her hand. “But that doesn’t mean I want to get involved with her.”

  “If she’s even half the kisser her sister is, you don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “Miriam.” Anja growled.

  “Okay, okay. Suit yourself. But you’ll join us tomorrow morning, right? Franzi invited us to have brunch with her and Susanne.”

  Anja loved brunch, but she needed to use Sunday to get her equilibrium back before the workweek started and she would once again spend her days and most of her evenings huddled close in front of a laptop with Susanne. “No. I’m not going. I promised myself I’d start going swimming on Sunday mornings again.”