by Rona Halsall
Definitely something bothering him.
You’re going to have to quiz him if you’re to get to the bottom of things, she told herself, deciding that’s exactly what she’d do once they’d settled in and the time was right. But in the meantime, if this honeymoon was going to be special, she needed to get with the programme, give it a chance.
Look at what’s real, not what your bloody imagination is fabricating.
She reached for his hand and was rewarded with the flash of a smile. He leant towards her and kissed her cheek, whispered in her ear, ‘Don’t worry. I promise you, this is going to be a honeymoon to remember. I promise.’
She leant into him, concentrating on the feel of his body against hers, and a few minutes later, the car pulled to a halt.
* * *
The villa was relatively small, but the rooms were of generous proportions. There were two large bedrooms on the first floor, each with an en-suite, and downstairs was completely open-plan. It had been recently renovated, and although from the front it looked like a traditional finca – with the curved slates on the roof and small windows, suggesting it might be dark and gloomy – it was a different story once you got inside. It had been gutted and reinvented into a modern holiday home with all the facilities she could have wished for. One wall, facing out to sea, was all glass with folding doors that opened out onto a wide, tiled patio, a low wall surrounding it, planted with flowers that were still blooming, even though it was the middle of September. A large leather suite filled the lounge area, positioned to look out at the view, an abstract patterned rug in red and gold on the tiled floor in front of it. Behind the sofa was the kitchen area, and to the left were a large wooden dining table and chairs.
Dan got straight on with the cooking while Chloe busied herself with putting their clothes away and generally getting to know the place. She found herself humming as she tidied their bits and pieces into the wardrobes and cupboards, put toothbrushes and toiletries in the bathroom. Now this was much better; this place was something special, which meant Dan thought she was too.
With her equilibrium restored, Chloe decided that she had to learn to trust him, not be so suspicious and insecure. Of course he loved her.
‘Food’s up!’ Dan called.
She hurried down the stairs, which ran up from the square entrance hall, not sure if she was hungry at all now, or if the feeling had been and gone hours ago.
The smell of garlic and onions and tomatoes filled the air as she stepped into the kitchen, her smile widening when she saw the large bowl of pasta sitting in the middle of the table, flanked by garlic bread and salad. He’d even lit a candle and dimmed the lights.
‘Oh, Dan, this is wonderful,’ she said as he pulled out a chair for her and went to sit at the other side of the table.
‘Anything for you, my love. Got to keep your strength up.’ He winked at her and gave his eyebrows a suggestive wiggle, making her laugh.
‘It’s a gorgeous place, isn’t it?’ She started eating, her appetite returned now her worries had proved to be groundless.
‘Oh, just wait until the morning when you see the view and we start exploring around the villa. Honestly, it’s gobsmacking.’
She stopped eating, her fork halfway to her mouth as a question burst into her mind. ‘It’s dark, Dan. How would you know?’ She wondered then whether he’d been here before, with somebody else maybe. She glared at him, waiting for a reply that was taking an awful long time to appear.
‘I’ve a brilliant imagination,’ he said as he helped himself to more pasta. ‘And Google Earth.’ But his eyes didn’t meet hers, and eventually she looked away.
He’s been here with someone else. He has. That’s why he wouldn’t look at her. Her pulse quickened as the question formed on her tongue, spoken before she could stop and think. ‘So, this is the first time you’ve been here, then?’
‘To Es Grau?’ He concentrated on his food, shovelling great forkfuls into his mouth.
She thought it might be a delaying tactic and stared pointedly at him until he’d finished chewing, making sure he didn’t change the conversation.
‘No, I was here a few years ago. When I was working in Spain.’
‘On your own?’ She bit into her garlic bread, tearing at it with her teeth as if she were ripping muscle from bone.
‘No, there was a group of us.’
‘Oh, a group. Nice.’ She put her bread down, the need to talk more urgent than the need to eat. ‘Couples, was it? You haven’t mentioned a girlfriend. Did you come here with another woman?’
He sighed, his fork rattling in his dish as he let go of it, a hard expression on his face. ‘Come on, Chloe. You’ve had boyfriends that you lived with. Let’s not get into this now. I brought you here because it’s a fantastic place. We won’t be disturbed and can really enjoy just being together. You and me. Husband and wife. Let’s concentrate on that, can we?’
He leant back in his chair, and for the first time since she’d met him, she saw a glint of something she didn’t like in his eyes. Something that made her want to back down.
‘Sorry, Dan. I’m just… well, I’m tired and I do get a bit…’ She had to stop as tears stung her eyes, emotions clogging her throat.
His face softened then. ‘I know, babe. I know it’s been a long day. Let’s finish this then have an early night, shall we?’
They ate in silence, Chloe picking at her meal, her appetite deserting her. She’d disappointed him; she could feel it in his silence, in the distance that now stretched between them, leaving her feeling alone and strangely vulnerable.
Seven
Four weeks ago
Chloe sang to herself as she massaged her gran’s back, thumping it in time to a drumbeat in her head. The massage helped to loosen the phlegm, reduced the chance of infection and was an essential part of their morning routine. Even this wasn’t enough to stop the occasional chest infection though, and it was clear that her gran’s health was starting to fail, an undeniable fact that preyed on Chloe’s mind. When her gran went, she would be completely alone, and that was something she couldn’t bear to think about. Floating in this mass of humanity, unattached, nothing and nobody to root her to life. If she was completely honest with herself, being alone was probably the thing she feared most in the world.
‘Will you stop that infernal noise?’ her gran hissed. ‘I can’t stand it! If you’re going to sing, at least make it something with sensible lyrics. That’s just tripe.’
‘Sorry, Gran. I didn’t even realise I was singing.’ She hid a smile and stopped what she was doing. ‘Right, if you shuffle over, I’ll do the other side.’
Her gran started to move but was hit with a sudden coughing fit that had her struggling to draw breath, her hands grasping at the duvet as if her life depended on it. Chloe’s heart leapt in her chest, paralysing her for a moment until she grabbed her gran’s inhaler and passed it to her.
She got her gran sitting up and helped her put the inhaler to her mouth, her arm round her bony shoulders to keep her steady. ‘Deep breath, Gran. Deep breath. One, two, three, go!’ Chloe’s heartbeat seemed to fill her whole body. These coughing fits were getting worse, and goodness knows how many times they happened in the day when Chloe was at work. ‘I’m going to see if the doctor will come and check you over, Gran. This has happened every morning this week, hasn’t it?’
Her gran’s breathing started to steady, and she slumped against Chloe, her body shaking. Chloe pulled her close, listening to her breathing as it started to settle and become more regular. ‘Let’s get you into bed. I don’t think you’re too well, are you?’
‘I’m fine, Chloe. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t talk while you’re doing the slapping thing. That’s what it was. I’m fine.’
‘Oh, Gran, you’re not. You know you’re not.’
Her gran sat up, pushing Chloe’s arm away. ‘Don’t you tell me what I am and what I’m not. It’s my body, isn’t it? If you didn’t insist on singing that infe
rnal claptrap, then I wouldn’t have had to speak, and I wouldn’t have started coughing.’
My fault. Chloe nodded, lips clamped together. Always my fault. Will she ever forgive me?
She stood and checked her watch. ‘Look, I’m going to have to dash, Gran, or I’ll be late. I’ve put some soup in the fridge for lunch and I’ll be back at six to make tea, okay? But if you start coughing again, I want you to promise me you’ll ring the doctor.’
Her gran huffed.
‘Please? You know I worry after what happened to’
‘Yes, yes,’ her gran interrupted, her voice snappy. ‘We both know exactly what happened. Now stop your fussing and go away.’
Chloe sighed and got up. Why does she have to make it so bloody difficult?
‘See you later, then,’ Chloe called as she left the bedroom and made her way down the stairs. The maddening woman just wanted to make her feel guilty the whole bloody time, wanted to see it eating away at her, chewing through her self-worth like a maggot chewing through an apple, leaving holes that could never be filled.
Her phone pinged with a message just as she was about to open the front door.
Morning, gorgeous. Can’t wait to see you later. I’ve booked Giovanni’s at 8 for a little celebration. Our anniversary. One month today! Love you so much xxx
Chloe smiled, and her mood lifted a little. Thank God for Dan. And how wonderful that he wanted to celebrate their first month together. She’d never met a man like him before, someone who took notice of the little details, who wanted to make her feel happy and loved. Unlike her gran, who seemed to enjoy doing the opposite. Not to mention Lucy and Mark. She sighed, knowing that she’d never be able to make amends, however much she tried. And my goodness how she’d tried over the last nine years.
Dan’s a new start, and he doesn’t need to know – will never need to know – what I’ve done. That was her cross to bear, her burden, and it was in the past, gone, over with. A mistake she would never make again. She could be different, more careful. Dan only needed to see the unblemished side of her. He didn’t need to see the scars that her past had scratched through her very core.
* * *
‘You don’t have to ring me every hour,’ her gran said when Chloe called at lunchtime. ‘I’m not a child. I can look after myself perfectly well, and if I feel the need, I will ring the doctor. Stop fussing. It’s irritating.’ She rang off just as Chloe was about to apologise.
‘She really isn’t feeling well,’ Chloe said to her computer screen, shaking her head as she put her phone down and started writing up notes for the last couple of patients.
Her gran hadn’t always been like this, of course. When Chloe had been younger, she was sure she’d been her gran’s favourite of the three of them, her brother and sister not sharing Chloe’s love of crafts and gardening that were her gran’s two great passions. Maybe that’s what had made things worse? That Chloe had ben her favourite and had then proved to be such a disappointment. She shook her head, trying to shake her negative thoughts away and focus on the positive. She had her evening with Dan to look forward to and she still had an afternoon full of patients to treat.
* * *
She needed to work out what to wear. Eventually, she went for her little black dress – you couldn’t go wrong with that, could you? – complemented with her red shoes and bag and her big red beads round her neck. She did a twirl in front of her mirror and had to say she was delighted with the result. After a month of no drinking, she could see that she’d lost a little bit of weight and her complexion was better, less puffy, her hair more sleek and shiny. She nodded to herself. Dan was a good thing, a very good thing, whatever her gran might say. And what was wrong with spending all her free time with him anyway?
She’s jealous.
The thought made Chloe stop and sit down on the edge of her bed. Was that it? Her gran was feeling left out after being at the centre of Chloe’s world since she’d broken up with Spencer a couple of years ago. She’d needed her gran then, had even lived with her for a little while until her gran told her it wasn’t working, and she’d be better off finding a place of her own. Chloe knew what the problem was: having her around was too much of a reminder of what her gran had lost. And why.
Maybe she doesn’t think I deserve to be happy?
The ring of her doorbell startled her back to the moment. That would be Dan. She took a deep breath and stood up. Why shouldn’t she have a chance at happiness? She’d done penance, she’d done everything she could to make amends. People had committed murder and served shorter prison sentences. Yes, it must be time for her to think of herself for once. Isn’t that what Mum would have wanted? She strode into the hallway and flung open the door, a smile pinned to her face. She was going out with Dan and she was going to bloody well enjoy herself.
Her eyes widened when she saw the bouquet of red roses that Dan held out to her.
‘For the most beautiful woman in the world,’ he said with a smile.
Her hand went to her chest, lost for words for a moment, her mouth wide with delight. Nobody had ever bought her roses. ‘Oh my God, Dan, they’re gorgeous! Come in, come in, I’ll put them in some water before we go.’
He followed her into her kitchen as she fussed about getting her one and only vase from under the sink, hoping that it would be big enough. ‘I’ll stick them in here for now and sort them out when I get back.’ She turned and hugged him, then tilted her face for a kiss. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever had such beautiful flowers before. It’s always been carnations from the supermarket.’
‘Yeah, well. A special lady deserves special flowers.’
She shook her head at him, laughing. ‘You’ve got all the lines, haven’t you? Smooth talker or what?’
He grinned and took her hand. ‘Come on, I’ve got a cab waiting outside. You’re costing me a fortune!’
‘Yeah, but I’m worth it.’ It was a glib response, said without thinking. She’d like to think it was true, but as for believing it… well, that was another matter entirely.
Dan held her in his arms and smoothed her hair away from her face, quiet for a moment before he murmured, ‘Yes, you are. You definitely are.’
She tried to push away, but he held her tight. ‘I thought you said we needed to get going?’
He nodded, his eyes locked onto hers, and her heart thumped a bit harder. Oh, she loved him. How she loved him. The words filled her mind, every little corner, until there was no room for her worries, no room for anything but love for this man.
‘I was going to wait,’ he said, releasing her from his embrace. ‘But I can’t. I can’t wait a moment longer.’ He pulled a little box out of his pocket, flicking the lid open to reveal a solitaire diamond ring.
Her hands flew to her mouth, eyes wide. An engagement ring? No. No, this can’t be happening.
He dropped onto one knee. ‘Chloe, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife? Please say you’ll marry me. Since I met you I’ve never known happiness like this and I don’t ever want it to stop.’
He held up the little box, waiting for her response, eyes gleaming.
Marry him? He wants me to marry him!
‘Yes,’ she gasped before she’d had a chance to think about it. ‘Oh my God, yes.’
And that was how, only a month after meeting Dan, without giving the matter any real consideration, without wondering how well she really knew him, she made a promise to be his wife.
But then, to be fair, he didn’t know her either.
Eight
Commitment.
Isn’t that what we expect from a relationship? Absolute commitment. But not everyone can do it, can they? You only have to look at the divorce statistics to see that.
Some people just aren’t made of the right stuff. Can’t put the needs of another person before their own. Can’t live by the unspoken set of rules that govern every relationship. Some people can’t give themselves completely.
But Chloe… well, she has heroic l
evels of commitment. Just look at the way she tends to the needs of others. How considerate she is of each and every patient, how strong her desire to make people better.
Funny when a virtue becomes a weakness.
I like that.
Yes, Chloe gets an A* for commitment.
And that’s what makes this coupling so perfect.
Nine
Now
They didn’t make love on their wedding night, no consummation of their marriage, which was another disappointment to add to the stack of things already bothering Chloe. In fact, the whole thing turned into a bit of a disaster. Dan got all paranoid about checking locks, going round the whole house a couple of times before he was satisfied that every window and door was secure. And he wouldn’t let her have the window open, so they had a bit of a row about that, because by then she was overtired and stroppy as a two-year-old.
‘I need fresh air,’ she whined, trying to wrestle him away from the window catch and ease it open. ‘Look, just a little crack. Where’s the harm in that?’
‘But it’s not even that warm,’ he said, evenly. ‘And it’ll just let bugs in. You want to wake up covered in bites? Because I certainly don’t, and they itch like hell, and you’ll go home looking like you’ve got chicken pox, and nobody will want to come near you and—’
She screamed in frustration and tried to push past him, but he imprisoned her in an embrace, putting his body between her and the window. He was trying to make her laugh, make light of it, but she was about to combust with an irrational fury that was burning inside her.
