The Flow

by Effrosyni Moschoudi

  “Danny . . .” She closed her eyes, summing up all her self-restraint to appear calm. “Please. I promise to discuss this with you later, if that’s what you want, but not now. Can we just eat in peace please?”

  “Fine!” he said irately, then carried on eating, and this time he remained totally quiet. Furthermore, he turned his seat sideways slightly, childishly, as if making a point that he didn’t intend to talk to her or even look at her. And look or talk to her he did not, eating the rest of his pizza in total silence, watching the patrons enjoy their meals at the surrounding tables.

  Much to Sofia’s dismay, he was also admiring the two pretty waitresses, who kept coming in and out of the kitchen, laden with platters of Italian delicacies. At least, this time, he’d spared her from voicing his appreciation of their admittedly stunning looks.

  Chapter 45

  After their dinner they returned to his car. They kept quiet as he drove fast, too fast down the highway, coming to a stop outside the campus in just a couple of minutes. He turned to her, his eyes dull and dark, a vein popping in the middle of his forehead. He didn’t seem angry now; just pained, somehow.

  Sofia took one look at him and knew this situation couldn’t carry on any longer. She opened her mouth to speak but he beat her to it.

  “So? Why won’t you have sex with me? Did you meet someone else? Because if you want to break up with me, you should just come out with it, you know. Saves time. Especially as I couldn’t care less either way.”

  “Is that what you think? That I’ve met someone else? How little you know me,” she replied, ignoring his last sentence all together. She knew him well enough to realise he’d only said it to muddle the waters, to make her think that whether she wanted to be with him or not, it made no difference to him. Of course, any other girl would have reacted to something like that perhaps, her sense of insecurity kicking in to make her think the guy really didn’t care.

  Sofia, however, knew well he loved and needed her. She had heard the truth, first from Korina and then Steve, back in Vassilaki. Also, she had a notebook full of poems she’d written in the past year, poems which derived from the darkest recesses of her soul, speaking of a love that never gave up against the odds and still sought redemption. Because of all this, deep down, with every fibre of her being, she believed Danny loved her. If he was too messed up to see it, she just had to fix him. That was all.

  As she stared at him now, waiting for his response, he couldn’t help noticing the silent adoration in her eyes. “My God, Sofia, you’re driving me nuts! How do you do that?”

  “What?” she asked, taken aback, as she leaned comfortably back in her seat, her eyes never leaving his.

  “That . . . The way you look at me. It says that no matter what I do or say you’ll always forgive me.”

  “Is this how I look at you?” she said, perking up. “I didn’t realise.”

  “Sofia, what is it? Why did you say no to having sex? You don’t want me any more?”

  “No Danny, it’s not that I don’t want you, but just think for a minute. You haven’t even introduced me to your family, and yet you’re inviting me to your home just for sex. How do you think that makes me feel?”

  “Is this the reason?” he said, relief lighting up in his eyes. “My family are sad gits, if you can even call them a family. Just a dad and a sister. Trust me, you’re not missing much.” He gave a little wave.

  “That’s not the point. Don’t you think you should have introduced me by now anyway? I don’t care if they are gits, like you say. They could be the biggest losers or the rudest people in the world. I am your girlfriend, Danny. Shouldn’t I have met them already?”

  “Fine,” he said breezily then. “If this is what you want, of course. You can meet them tomorrow.” He leaned in to kiss her.

  “Not so fast,” she replied firmly, pushing him gently away, before his lips had the chance to touch hers. “We’re not done talking just yet.”

  “What else is there?”

  “We need to talk about you looking at girls and those annoying remarks you keep making.”

  “Oh no, not that again! It’s not healthy to be so envious of your man, Sofia. Chill out already! It’s not like I’m doing anything immoral!”

  “You want to talk healthy? What you are doing is not healthy,” she replied, leaning forward to shake a finger at him.

  He sat back astonished, his brow furrowed. “What on earth are you talking about?”

  “Danny . . . I know, all right? I know what you’re doing. You’re subconsciously trying to drive me away, don’t you see?”

  “What? What nonsense is this?”

  “Danny, I’m surprised. After all the therapy you’ve had, don’t you think you should be more aware by now of what you’re doing and why?”

  His eyes widened as he leaned forward, his head tilted. “Therapy? How the hell do you know about that?”

  “I just know, okay? I know about your mother and what she did to mess up your relations with women. But goddamn it, Danny, I’m not your bloody mother! I’ve reached the end of my tether with you. We have something wonderful here and you’re killing it, you’re killing us, don’t you see?”

  “It was Steve, wasn’t it? Why, the stupid arse, he had no right—”

  Sofia grasped his face, his precious face, in her tender hands, causing him to stop midsentence. She tilted her head and looked into his eyes without a word for a few moments, her eyes two liquid expanses of green, melting before the sight of the vast, angry sea in his own.

  “Stop Danny, just stop, okay?” she pleaded in a velvety voice, then removed her hands.

  He ran an impatient hand through his hair, the long fringe over his eyes mesmerising her as it kept trying to kiss his eyelids.

  “Don’t you see, Danny? The only problem here is that you need help, and you won’t admit it. Steve can see it, I can see it, why can’t you? And why did you stop going to therapy? Please Danny, I beg you, don’t you trust me? If you care about me, even a little, you have to resume those sessions. You’re driving me away. You’re doing it on purpose, and you don’t even see it.”

  “That’s preposterous! How exactly am I driving you away? By taking you out to dinner? By asking you to have sex with me?”

  “You know exactly how. I won’t belittle your intelligence by spilling it out for you.”

  “So, basically, I have to do it or else. That’s what you’re telling me. I don’t appreciate ultimatums you know, especially from women!”

  “Is this how this is going to go? I’ve opened my heart to you, Danny, I’ve pleaded with you! And all I get back is your anger over women? Am I the same as all the rest? Don’t you trust me at all?”

  Danny said nothing. He pressed his lips together, his brow furrowing deeply, and he turned away to stare absentmindedly at the passing traffic. Sofia waited silently and sure enough, he turned around again after a few moments, his expression pained.

  “I’m no good, Sofia . . . I’m a big mess,” he admitted quietly, shaking his head. “I have a long way to go. It’s not right for you. And you’re so wonderful, I’ll probably continue to hurt you. I think it’s best if we—”

  “No! Don’t say this, please!”

  “But it’s for the best, I know it now. I’m not good for you. I’ve hurt many girls . . . you wouldn’t believe how many. It’s bad enough I carry the guilt when I think about it all. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting you too. You’re so right, Sofia. I’ve been trying to drive you away. And knowing the odds of you winding up with a broken heart, I’d better end it now before it’s too late. I might save some grace this way, then you won’t spend the rest of your life thinking of me as a total pig, like the other girls surely do.”

  By now, Sofia’s eyes were pooled with tears. All this time she’d stared back at him mutely, unbelieving that he was willing to make this choice. But of course that was the easy one. That was within his comfort zone. Going back to therapy and dealing with his iss
ues, trying to work on a relationship with a loving girl and risking hurting her was what scared him to death.

  She shook her head slowly, panic igniting in her voice. “Please Danny, don’t do this.”

  “In time, you’ll see it’s for the best. If we carry on like this, in the end, you’ll hate me, and I can’t risk that.”

  Sofia wanted to tell him how much she loved him, she wished she could fetch the notebook from her room and show him all the poems she’d written about him. But of course, all this would happen in a perfect world. Not in this one where after a month, they hadn’t even uttered to each other as much as ‘I like you’, let alone, ‘I love you’. Maybe, just maybe, he would change his mind again. Maybe, she could talk to Steve and get him to reconsider. There was no point in insisting any longer for now. He seemed determined, and she knew he was too stubborn to change his mind so easily, not now anyway, not tonight, in this car.

  “I’ll say goodnight, Danny, but this is not goodbye. I’ll call you tomorrow and we will talk,” she said softly. She left a tender kiss on his cheek, then got out of the car and strolled to the entrance of Grand Parade to disappear through it swiftly without even glancing back once.

  Danny hadn’t reacted to her kiss or responded in words. As soon as she disappeared through the entrance, he reached out with one numb hand, found the key in the ignition and turned it. As he drove around the next bend to take the road out of town, the backlights of the preceding cars looked blurry in his tear-filled eyes, like rubies melting in a metal pot of smoke and fire.

  I HAVE BEEN TOLD

  I have been told, my dreams like a crown to wear

  To strive, to seek, to choose from means, the tough but fair.

  To brave long paths and never tire

  To give the weak, the same bread that I desire.

  I have been told, I have been told a thousand lies

  To carry on; yet no one hears my desperate cries

  I have been told to roam forever

  Seeking the peace I’ll relish never.

  I have been told that I would live a thousand years

  If, like a cloud, I rained and soaked the earth with tears.

  I have been told my faith should make me proud

  I only weep behind my walls and laugh out loud.

  I have been told the world is fair and bright

  But promised love’s been murdered slow and out of sight.

  The crown I wear, the gems I’ve gathered through the night

  Are borne by fools like me, who run and cringe with fright.

  I have been told, I have been told a thousand lies

  To carry on; yet no one hears my desperate cries

  I have been told to roam forever

  Seeking the peace I’ll relish never.

  Chapter 46

  The next morning, Sofia woke up with another poem, the first one from The Lady since coming to Brighton. Totally in sync with her own feelings, it was heart-breaking enough. She jotted it down quickly in her notebook where she kept all the poems she’d written so far; some inspired by her own feelings for Danny, and others as dictated to her by The Lady in her dreams. She titled the last one ‘I Have Been Told’ and threw it a single forlorn look before putting the notepad away again. Now it was high time to actually do something about her own heartache in the real world.

  Eager to take some action at last, she had a quick breakfast and then rushed to the closest phone booth to call Danny. After just two rings, his sister picked up. Sofia had spoken to her a few times when phoning Danny. Her name was Sue. Her breezy voice echoed pleasantly down the line but did little to alleviate Sofia’s anxiety. She hoped the girl couldn’t detect it in her voice. “Hi, Sue, it’s Sofia. Is Danny there?”

  “Oh, hi! Let me see if he’s in his room, hang on.”

  Sofia waited for the better part of a minute, her mind in a whirl. Her breath caught in her throat when she heard the familiar clanking sound as the receiver got picked up.

  “Um . . . Sorry Sofia, I’m afraid he’s not in.”

  “Oh,” she replied, lost for words. Where is he so early in the morning? He doesn’t start his shift at work till twelve. She placed a hand on her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut. “Right . . . That’s okay, Sue. I’ll ring again later, thanks.”

  As soon as she hung up, a bad feeling caused her stomach to clench violently. She dialled Steve’s number next. She needed to talk to someone. Thank God Loula’s in town.

  “Sofia!” Steve’s voice sounded chirpy. “I don’t believe it, we were just talking about you.”

  “Oh, right,” she said, trying to perk up.

  “Do you know what’s up with Danny?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s just that I phoned him at home a while ago, and he sounded very down.”

  “What? How long ago did you talk to him?”

  “Just now . . . I don’t know . . . Ten minutes ago, tops. Why?”

  Sofia ran a crawling hand over her face, then she clenched it into a fist and put it before her mouth, shaking her head. Before her shut eyelids now, she saw the whole scene as it might have been when Sue asked Danny to come to the phone. He had made her lie for him. He wasn’t out after all. He doesn’t want to talk to me!

  “Sofia? Hello?”

  “Yes . . . sorry. I’m still here, Steve.”

  “What is it, Sofia? You sound upset.”

  “I don’t mean to sound rude Steve, but . . .” she paused, willing herself to stop the tears from flowing just yet. It took all of her self-control to keep her voice steady. She didn’t want to crumble while on the phone to a boy, even if it was someone as nice as Steve. “Please . . . please could I just talk to Loula?”

  “Of course.” Steve called Loula to come to the phone and she responded at once. “Sofia mou! What is it?” Her voice was sweet and soothing. It caused Sofia to crumble in response.

  “Oh, Loula! It’s over! I just called him and he got his sister to tell me he’s not there. He didn’t even want to talk to me.”

  “Please Sofia, calm down. Help me understand . . . start from the beginning. Did you guys have a fight?”

  Sofia drew a deep breath, then another, closing her eyes, her forehead now resting on the payphone, as she tried to imagine Loula was actually there, with her, that she wasn’t totally alone. “Yes,” she finally said. Then she carried on by telling her everything that had transpired in the last few days; from the day he’d asked for sex and she said no, till the events of the night before, and then the call he refused to take a few minutes earlier.

  Loula tried to calm her down and being an old and close friend, it was easy to do. They had a good talk, and she gave Sofia hope that Danny would surely change his mind and phone her again.

  When Sofia changed the subject by asking Loula for her news, her friend’s tone changed, her manner becoming evasive. A long pregnant pause in particular caused Sofia to think her friend was hiding something.

  “Loula, you sound strange. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

  “There is something, Sofia mou, but leave it for now. I can tell you when I see you.”

  “Why not now? I need something to distract me, to cheer me up. Just tell me your news. I’m sure it’s all good, isn’t it?”

  “We can meet you tomorrow and tell you all about it,” insisted Loula, cringing at the very thought of piling even more frustration on her friend.

  “Loula? Now you’re scaring me! How bad is it?” Sofia was terribly stubborn and this was typical of her. Now she had an idea stuck in her head, she’d never let it go. Loula knew her friend well enough to know she had no choice now but to tell her. If she kept her waiting, Sofia would simply be tormented till they met.

  “Ok . . .” Loula gave a deep sigh. “But promise you won’t get upset. It is good news for us . . . but not so much for you, I’m afraid.”

  Sofia chuckled. “Trust me, the way I feel right now over Danny, it’s bound to be a breeze by compariso
n.”

  Loula decided to stop beating about the bush and just come out with it. “We found our dream job at last, Steve and I. But it’s out of town.”

  “What? Really? But that’s great! Congrats, guys. What’s the job?”

  “Well, you know we’ve been trying to find employment together in a hotel anywhere in Sussex . . . It’s the only way to move out of Steve’s house and give his poor parents their own space again. They’re too kind, but the house is very small, and it’s not fair on them. So, anyway, Steve found this job in a hotel further out, and it’s a Sous Chef job, just like he wanted. He asked about me, and they’re willing to train me to work there as a maid. I mean, cleaning rooms and making beds, how hard can it be, right?” She gave a tittering laugh.

  “That’s wonderful guys! I’m so happy for you. So how far out of town is it?”

  “It’s in a little town called Hythe. They sent us some leaflets in the post, and it looked so picture perfect I thought my heart would stop!”

  “Oh, that’s nice. And where is it exactly?”

  “Erm . . . It’s on the south coast, but much further east . . . in Kent. It would be quite a drive away, but I’m sure we could still manage to visit for the odd weekend.”

  “Oh, I see,” she said and then paused for a moment, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. “And when are you leaving?”

  “Well . . . As soon as Steve serves his two weeks’ notice at work, we’re free to go.”

  Sofia cleared her throat but it didn’t help to rid herself of the unbearable knot that had lodged in it. “It sounds just perfect for you. Fancy working together in the same hotel, that’s wonderful.”

  “I know. It’s perfect because accommodation and food will be free of charge so we won’t be spending much. This means we’ll be able to save a lot. Hopefully, we’ll manage to get a mortgage on a little house in just a few years.”