The Tens

by Vanessa Jones

  'Going insane,' she confessed.

  'Interesting.' Carla scribbled down some notes but Sophie could no longer hear the scratching of the pen on the paper as her body seemed to float downwards away from her thoughts and her mouth, which felt stuck in front of Carla.

  'And do you feel like you are going insane?' Carla jerked her pen to a stop and lifts only her eyes at Sophie to extract an answer, who is blankly staring out the window.

  ‘Sophie?’ Carla snapped at her.

  ‘Sorry… I… Yes, I feel like I’m going insane.’

  ‘What has been happening to make you think that?

  ‘There’s the lack of sleep, the weird things I’m seeing and hearing, my senses are changing… it’s like… I don’t know what it’s like! I’ve never experienced this before. I mean, I get that people get sad when their husbands leave them out of nowhere. But this? It’s like I have a disease. Not to mention the nightmares! And imagining people spying on me in vans? That’s just ludicrous.’

  Sophie felt deflated and landed back in her body with a thud.

  ‘Our minds tend to tell us about this big scary thing that is going to happen in the future, which never really comes. Meanwhile, the reality is that you are experiencing that very thing— by your own admission— anyway. And my guess is that it doesn’t really measure up to how awful your mind is telling you that it's going to be.'

  'Well, I wouldn't say it's exactly a dream.'

  'Sure. But just to notice how it's nowhere as terrifying as the images the mind is throwing up at you when you contemplate "going insane".'

  The way she did air quotations made Sophie mad again, so she tried not to look at her hands and kept taking in streams of air strongly through her nose, to stop herself from lashing out at Carla. Carla was merely doing her job and Sophie was wise enough to know that she didn't even really understand the therapeutic process and had lost sight of the bigger picture. She trusted Carla to hold up a light into the dark recesses of her untrustworthy mind and guide her out of the obscurity.

  'Why do you need to know about my greatest fear?'

  'There are two main reasons. Firstly, if I can shine a light of reality on your fear, it can often dissipate. You should see what happens to some people when they let their biggest fear go! I've seen clients book acting gigs, have a family, fly around the world... you get the idea. And secondly, once I know your greatest fear, I can acknowledge it and do everything I can to make you feel as safe as possible. Because in safety, healing can flourish.'

  The anger bubbled away and Sophie felt grateful that Carla existed and that she was so willing to help her. It made her want to cry with a pathetic relief.

  'What are you experiencing Sophie?'

  'Well, lots of emotions, I guess. I'm not sure how to articulate.'

  'That's okay. Just say what you can and we can talk about it more over our coming sessions. Do you commit to more sessions, Sophie?'

  'Yes. I promise.'

  'Good.'

  Sophie quickly dismissed the thought that Carla just wanted more money from Sophie. Showing up was the biggest indicator to success with therapy, just like going to the gym. The more time went on, the more she wanted to get better for herself, not just for Alex.

  'Before you go, I thought we could try a little hypnosis. Have you undergone any hypnosis?' Carla put her notes and pen to one side and lightly slapped her palms on her knees.

  'Not really. Do you think that's the right thing for me though?'

  'I believe so, yes. Don't worry, it's not all trances and being unable to control your actions like you see in the movies. It's a very controlled process which is akin to a deep relaxation.'

  'You think it would help with the nightmares?'

  'I think it would help with the relaxation centres in your brain. Help to activate them more frequently and on command, so that your anxiety and paranoia reduce. As for the nightmares, who's to say? There are plenty of case studies of people who have had success with hypnosis treating their night time worries. But, for you, the best thing we can do is try it for at least three sessions and monitor your nightmare activity closely. Perhaps keep a journal? I'll only be a phone call away, should anything arise for you that we need to address urgently.'

  'I guess we could try it. For three sessions you reckon?'

  'Yes, and if it seems to be helping you curb your symptoms than we can continue with a few more. Put it this way, you don't have a lot to lose.' Carla placed her hands on top of one another and cocked her head to the side, smiling. She skilfully put Sophie at ease and was right, she didn't have a lot to lose.

  'Okay, I'm happy to try it. I'm kinda running out of options.'

  'Good. Well, we can start now. I'm a trained clinical hypnotherapist and it's a very simple process. You can either remain sitting or lie down on the couch, if you prefer. It's totally up to you, whatever you are most comfortable with.'

  Sophie let her eyelids swoop down, almost relieved to be able to rest, to stop talking, thinking about the next thing she was going to say and what that all meant and how she could put her mind back together. Carla's office was so warm, it was like a hug and Sophie was ready to succumb the second that Carla's slow, dripping voice talked her into the hypnosis process.

  Disappointingly, Sophie fell asleep. At least she had hoped she had. Otherwise the hypnosis had worked more powerfully than she ever expected and it was exactly like all those TV shows and magician performances, which she had never believed were real. Surely, they were staged? Humans can't just succumb to the will of another with a few vocal prompts. If they did, then why don't they do weird shit every time they fall asleep in front of the TV or listening to true crime podcasts?

  'I'm sorry Sophie, it looks as though it didn't work. I'd be willing to try again next time, if you are? I still think it could be very beneficial, particularly with the nightmares.'

  Sophie couldn't help but feel that Carla was incensed with her, even though she delivered her words with softness and delicacy behind a smile. There was something in her eyes and the way Carla's hands had tensed around the ends of the chair arms that led Sophie to believe that whatever she had done, she had failed Carla.

  Sophie stepped out of Carla's office in a jumper and thick khaki coat that belonged to Alex. Despite her detest for hats, she wore a beanie— another of Alex's— so she didn't have to smell her unwashed hair and to keep warm, even it was a mild day. She was soon becoming acclimatised to Carla's warm office.

  Sophie spotted Bree standing across the street and wiped and blinked her bleary eyes, still sticky from hypnosis. As she rushed over to her, it dawned on her that she missed spending time with her new friend.

  'I almost didn't recognise you in your activewear Bree!'

  'Hmmm.' Bree didn't look that happy to see her and Sophie wondered if she'd done something wrong. Maybe she overestimated their friendship? Was Bree put off getting too close to her after Sophie told her she heard voices and tried to fly? She could hardly blame her.

  'What are you doing in this part of town?' Sophie asked with less enthusiasm.

  'Oh, I just thought I'd do some shopping. That gourmet supermarket is meant to have amazing local produce, you know?' Her eyes lit up again and Sophie admonished herself for reading too much into things. She probably had a fight with her husband or had other things on her mind. Sophie found it hard to ignore the stress— or was it a cringe?— in the lines of her eyes.

  'I've just been having a therapist's appointment. The one you recommended. Over there.' Sophie pointed across the road and then it hit her. Another cringe-worthy interaction with her new friend. No wonder she didn't want to stop and chat like old pals, she was probably on her way to have her own appointment with Carla and, understandably, didn't want anyone to know about it. 'I must let you go then, I know how busy you are,' Sophie wanted to hug her. The desire to take her hand was paramount. But, learning from her mistakes, she vowed to reign in any awkward behaviour and stop crossing boundaries with Bree. A
t least until they got to know each other better.

  'Oh yes, I must shove on.' Bree stepped forward onto the road without saying goodbye and left Sophie standing there. But before she crossed the road, Bree turned back and said, 'Soph? Look after yourself, okay?'

  There was something familiar about the way that Bree regarded her. Something that she couldn’t quite place. Throwing herself into her car, Sophie was furious when it hit her. It was the same kind of look that Alex used to give her. And if she thought about it hard enough, it was the same look that was fighting its way through Carla’s professional veneer. The condescending bullshit that Bree just served up to her was more than she could bear. Did everyone in the world think she was so fucking crazy that she couldn't take care of herself?

  Sophie looked in the car’s rearview mirror to try and see what they all saw. Did they see an untameable, yet unbalanced, wildness? Or did they just see a really tired woman that they didn't have the energy to deal with herself? Did they see themselves in Sophie so much that it shocked them? Made them want to run away and not face the shadows inside themselves?

  It's true. I'm going mad. Nope, I've already gone mad. Surely, because I've lost a little weight, haven't washed my hair in a little while and the dark circles under my eyes have turned from lilac to slate, that I'm not completely worth abandoning. Is it not uncommon to let yourself go a little when the love of your life leaves you? Is it?

  Sophie pushed her face closer towards the car's review mirror, palms pressing into the steering wheel. She waggled her eyebrows and smoothed her hairline away from her forehead. Deep valleys of scar white skin remained where hair used to be. Pulling her hands away from her head she watched as with them came half a dozen strands of hair, lifeless strings that floated down like leaves.

  She was going bald at age thirty.

  Still stuck on Bree's behaviour as she drove home, Sophie noticed a faceless man driving behind her. At first, she thought— hoped— it was Alex. But it was hard to tell. The reflection of the glary day wiped out his features although she spotted him rubbing a darkened chin with the back of his hand. The rest of his face was erased by his black forward wheeled drive. Sophie didn’t like the way his car is leering close to the edge of hers so she sped up, to see what the car would do. After a short moment, the car behind her seemed to speed up too. Which could have been totally instinctual and automatic on the driver’s behalf. Especially if they were in a hurry to get somewhere. But there was a gnawing in her gut that convinced otherwise. Instinctively, she shut off the radio to heighten her vigilance. When she ducked down a small residential side street, the sleek black car behind her sharply turned into the same street. That was all the proof Sophie needed.

  She quickly rounded a corner into a smaller street lined with cream houses that all bore turrets of rose bushes, bumping her back tyre on the kerb as she missed the angle in her flight. Despite being terrified that someone would unwittingly step out in front of her, she sped up as fast as her sensibilities would allow. But her speed was halted short with a jerk of her foot on the brakes causing an alarming screech. The movement was enough to dislodge the hair from behind her ears and she gasped as the seatbelt squeezed her tight. A dead-end street. There was no one else in the street until two front doors either side of her flung open to investigate out the noise. Carefully and slowly, she made a big effort of turning her car around the cul de sac and headed where she came from, embarrassed to see that no car was following her.

  Turning right out of the rose lined cul de sac before anyone would dare yell at her for disturbing their suburban peace, she spotted the dark car waiting, sandwiched in between two parked cars. She had a split second to decide whether to turn left and head back to the main road, pull up beside and confront him or speed past him. None of the options would give her any answers or seem to calm her racing heart down. In a moment of bravery, she shot past and blasted her horn at him. Just so he would know that she knew. 'I can fucking see you,' she said behind the safety of her car windows.

  But she was wrong. She couldn't see him because as she blurred past, it wasn't a him at all. It was a woman. Although she couldn't really see into the driver's seat properly, she saw the unmistakable thin face and shoulder length hair of a woman and slim fingers resting on the steering wheel. Flicking her eyes to her mirror, the car didn't bother to follow her any further and Sophie began to feel a wave of humiliation as her heart went back to its regular beats.

  Of course, no one was following me. Why on earth would they? A mere coincidence is all. This paranoia is going to kill you Sophie. She chided herself.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  It wasn't long before Sophie was back ready to empty herself to Carla. An emergency appointment was arranged the next day, at Carla's insistence, after she briefly explained on the phone about her paranoia about the car following her. Even sketching it out loud with her words made her realise how untethered to reality she was. In moments.

  Sophie scuffed her shoes across the welcome mat and embraced the pungent incense that clung to her hair the moment she stepped inside the reception room. Her days were empty without Alex but therapy quickly gave her a sense of something that neared purpose.

  The therapy room door was open. Carla didn't get up from her chair and called for Sophie from the cave of her office. Her smile was so warm that it pricked Sophie's eyes a little. How could a person that barely knew her, have such softness for her? Even after all her delusions and hallucinations had been revealed. I guess that's what you do when you're getting paid, she thought. Which reminded Sophie that she would soon have to work out a way to get an income. Without Alex and her job, she was unsure how the bills would get taken care of.

  Carla bent over the low coffee table that sat between them and waved her hand over a mug of urine coloured water which was emitting cylinders of steam. 'I made you a lemon and ginger tea. I know that's your favourite.' Carla gave her a reassuring wink. It certainly was her favourite. Or it was quickly becoming so. The prickly tang, combined with the considerateness of it made just for her, gave her great consolation. She reminded herself to get some teabags so she could replicate the feeling at home.

  'Great to see you again Sophie. It's so impressive how you keep showing a commitment to turning up to our sessions. It really does bode well for your success.'

  'Yeah.’ Sophie wanted to believe her, to trust her completely. And she almost did. But it was hard to shake the tendrils of disbelief off.

  'You don't have to answer me now but I would really like you to think about coming more frequently. Four times a week is not uncommon in times of heightened stress.' Carla's hands jiggled beside her.

  'Oh. That's certainly something I would have to think about.' Sophie’s avoided Carla’s eyes by letting them dart around the room, over her streamlined bookshelf, her almost empty desk, the asinine motivational quote on the wall.

  ‘Let's proceed, shall we?'

  Sophie recapped what happened in her car and what she had told Carla about the birds at a previous session. She was careful to tell them exactly the same way she had previously and Carla was careful to keep her reaction in check.

  ‘None of this seems particularly out of the ordinary in times of stress,’ Carla reassured her. But Sophie couldn’t help feeling like Carla was impatient about something or wanted to probe her deeper.

  They tried hypnotherapy again with some more success. ‘I want you to travel back in your mind's eye Sophie, way back. Back to a time which you think you may not even remember. But you do. Our memories can always be accessed. And you are allowing yourself to access as many memories as you want now, knowing you are safe and they are merely memories.'

  Carla paused and Sophie heard her sip some water. At least she was still aware of her surroundings, despite the weight in her legs. It was the most relaxed that Sophie had felt in her body for months.

  Carla’s pleasant voice dripped all around her. ‘Take yourself back to a time when you were very little. Back when you
r parents will still alive. And tell me, what do you remember? What do you see?'

  Sophie shifted in her seat. All of a sudden it was really uncomfortable to be in her body, in that chair that she normally found so comfortable.

  'Sophie? What memories are coming up for you?'

  Sophie tried to squeeze her mind into a semblance of a memory but nothing seemed to come.

  'It's okay, take your time. Breathe,’ Carla reassured her.

  Pushing aside her own impatience and fear, Sophie could feel a memory arising. She found herself hoping that it would be a vision of her parents.

  'Tell me what do you see Sophie?'

  'I see... I see...' Sophie humped forward dejectedly. She shot her eyes open in protest. 'This isn't working.'

  Carla looked mad. 'It sounds like it did. What did you see Sophie? Was it something upsetting?'

  'No, it was just the fucking rock from my nightmares. Honestly, I'm sick of it and it's clearly taking up too much space in my mind and clouding anything important that I store in there.’