Fair of Face

by Sienna Waters

The words hadn’t been said. She hadn’t spoken them and neither had Nat. But for better or worse Kate knew that she was in love with Nat Lee. She still didn’t particularly want to be, but that didn’t change anything. When she woke Nat was her first thought. When they spoke on the phone it was only sheer force of will that stopped her finishing a call with the words ‘love you.’ When she saw her it was like the first time every time, her heart stopped, her breath got stuck in her throat.

  She turned a corner, provoking a flurry of beeps from the car behind her that made her realize she’d forgotten to indicate. Okay, so they weren’t a couple, not yet. But it was coming, she could feel it coming. It frightened her but delighted her at the same time. The more time she spent with Nat the more she could see how this might work. How her control and strength could help Nat survive the life she needed to lead. How Nat’s free spirit and sense of fun could break through Kate’s controlling exterior and cool shell. They were good for each other, they could help each other. They could grow together.

  Not that she expected letting someone into her life to be easy. But then she’d never wanted to let anyone else in before, not before Nat. Now that she’d finally begun, now that she was open to the idea, the thought of being alone again, completely alone, was no longer quite as tempting. No one to call. No one to ask how her day had been. No one to stop her heart with a smile. Why the hell did this all have to be so confusing?

  She pulled into the parking lot, flashing a wave at the security guard who recognized her van well enough by now to let her glide right on in. She didn’t know how all this was going to work, she didn’t have a clue what was going to happen. But, she realized as she pulled into a parking place, she wasn’t willing to deal with this alone. She wanted, needed, to talk to Nat about it. It was a novelty, a problem that she wasn’t intending to solve all by herself. A sign, she thought, of the effect Nat was having on her. She climbed out of the van, slammed the door, and mashed the elevator button until the doors slid open.

  ✽✽✽

  “Well, where is she?”

  The maid shrugged. “I have no idea. Miss Lee does not always inform me of her whereabouts.”

  Kate sighed. She’d prepared herself for this, steeled herself for a difficult conversation. And now Nat was nowhere to be found. She was supposed to be here. Nat had told her that she’d be home all evening, invited her to drop by if she felt like it. Informal, casual, a date without planning, something that Kate had thought was a next step in their relationship. An evening at home rather than an evening in a restaurant. And now she wasn’t here.

  “Can you give her a message if she happens to come home?” Kate said.

  But before the maid could answer, Jake padded down the corridor.

  “Looking for Nat?” he asked.

  “You know where she is?”

  “Haven’t spoken to her, but last I heard was that she was at Morena’s. It’s a bar on...”

  “I know where it is,” Kate interrupted. “What’s she doing there?”

  “Drinking, I guess,” said Jake.

  And she considered letting things go. Honestly considered just walking away and letting it all be done. If Nat was drinking again then she hadn’t changed, had she? She was just falling right back into her old ways. A month had passed since their time at the cabin, all the time it had taken for Nat to fall off the wagon again.

  She stomped away from the apartment, not even saying goodbye, lost in her anger, in her thoughts. But when she got in the van again she found that she was driving towards the bar. She was not, she told herself, afraid of confrontation. She was not going to run away from this. And perhaps she should use more care. Perhaps Nat wasn’t drinking at all. Perhaps she was meeting someone or eating bar snacks, or whatever the hell people did in bars when they didn’t drink. Perhaps she should be more trusting. Give Nat the benefit of the doubt.

  ✽✽✽

  How did you know that someone was drunk? What was it about them that even from a distance, even from the door of the bar, ensured that you knew they’d been drinking? Kate pushed her way through the crowd towards Nat’s table. There were others there, but she had eyes only for Nat. And Nat, it seemed, was as observant as ever. Because as soon as she saw Kate coming towards her she stood up, swaying only slightly, and hurried to meet her.

  “What the fuck?” were Kate’s first words.

  But they were lost in Nat’s hair as she threw her arms around her and Kate hated that her body was responding to the contact. She was angry and wanted to remain so.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” she asked, pushing Nat away.

  Nat’s eyes weren’t as glazed as she’d imagined them, but they were a little red. Then Nat smiled and a wave of fondness swept over Kate quite unexpectedly. People make mistakes, she reminded herself. People aren’t perfect. She took Nat’s hand, pulled her down to sit at a table nearby, a table for two.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I got it,” Nat said. “I got it.”

  It took Kate a second to understand, and when she did she grinned. “You got the audition? The part?”

  Nat nodded, beaming. “And I know, I know, I’m not supposed to drink too much. But I swear, Kate, I’ve had half a bottle of champagne. I was going to call you, but I knew you were working. I thought I’d have time to take a nap before maybe we grabbed dinner or something.”

  Kate looked over at the table of people, still drinking, still talking, still laughing without Nat. So these were her so-called friends.

  “Congratulations,” she said, as warmly as she could. “You deserve this.”

  “Thank you. That means a lot, Kate. Really it does. And please, the drinking, it’s a one time thing. I swear to you. This won’t become a habit. It can’t now. If I’ve got to be at the TV studios bright and early every morning, I can’t be wasting all my time partying, right?”

  The table of Nat’s friends was getting rowdier, a waiter served them more bottles. The party didn’t look like it would be ending anytime soon, and Kate wondered if Nat would really have been able to walk away from it. Then she turned her attention back to Nat.

  “I have news too,” she said. “I just found out. I got the job. The one in New York.”

  And Nat looked truly happy, truly pleased. She was smiling and her eyes were shining and she squeezed Kate’s hands tight.

  “Which is exactly what you deserve,” she said. “So we’re both deserving people. Maybe we should celebrate?”

  Kate flashed a glance back at the table, then shook her head.

  “We need to talk about this, Nat. Talk about what we’re going to do. You in LA, me in New York, I’m not sure it’s going to work.”

  “Do you want it to work?”

  Nat was sitting up straighter, she moved her hands so they were no longer touching and Kate could see how her words were being misunderstood. And it scared her. Scared her to be close to losing Nat.

  “Yes,” she said as honestly as she could. “I want this to work.”

  “Are you sure, Kate? Because you’re the one with relationship issues. I’m not trying to nit-pick here, and I’m not criticizing. I’m just being open with you. If you want to end things here and now, you have to tell me that.”

  Was Nat afraid? Was that what this was? And Kate could see it in her eyes, could see the darkness, the worry, and it cracked her just a little. She’d been worried about Nat toying with her, but she could see now that Nat was just as fragile as she was, just as worried, just as scared at whatever was happening between them. She took Nat’s hands now, held them tight.

  “I’m absolutely sure I want this to work,” she said. “Sure enough that there’s something I want to ask you.”

  A small smile stroked the corners of Nat’s mouth. “I swear to God, Kate, if you ask me to marry you right here, right now, I might just say yes.”

  She was joking and Kate knew she was, but that didn’t stop her heart skipping a beat. Not marriage. Definitely not marriage.
That was far too soon. But maybe there was something else, something not too soon.

  “Will you come to New York with me?”

  There, she’d said it.

  “What?”

  “I mean it. Move to New York. Come with me. We don’t have to live together if you don’t want to, or we can get a two bedroomed place, whatever works. You’re rich, Nat, you don’t need to work. You’ll find something in New York. I’m serious enough about this that I’m asking you if you want to come with me.”

  There was a silence between them. The party continued, the laughter continued, but between Kate and Nat there was a moment of promise. Then Nat shook her head.

  “I can’t, Kate. You know I can’t. My life is here. I belong here. I need this TV job.”

  Kate let go of the breath she’d been holding. “I know,” she admitted. “I knew when I asked. But I needed to ask anyway.”

  “I’m glad that you did,” said Nat, smiling at her. “It told me just how serious you are about us. And I think that we can make this work. I mean, we’re both busy people. But we can do weekends, we can do long distance. When the show isn’t shooting I can come and stay in New York for weeks at a time. We will make this work, Kate. We can do this.”

  “Maybe.”

  Taking Nat to New York would have been the perfect solution. It would get her away from these people, from the lifestyle she was falling back into. It would keep her close. But it was, Kate could see, just another attempt to control things. It was better that Nat had said no.

  “Maybe?” asked Nat. “You don’t think we can do this?”

  Kate sighed and rubbed her eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe we can,” she said. “I’ve never done this before. Never had to consider another person when making a decision before. This is all new to me.”

  “It bothers you to have to consider me?”

  And Kate didn’t catch it, didn’t quite get the underlying tone in the question. She was being honest, open, and hadn’t expected a loaded question.

  “It was just easier when I was on my own,” she explained. “Easier when I didn’t need to consider someone else in my decisions. That’s all I meant.”

  Nat leaned forward.

  “Maybe you need to think about what you really want,” she said. “Because I’m not hearing anything from you that makes me feel confident that you’re willing to try and make this work on both our terms. Sure, you offered to take me to New York. But those are your terms. Being with me means working around what I want as well as what you want. And you don’t seem terribly sure that you can do that. The only thing you’ve said right now that you sounded sure of is that things were easier when you were alone.”

  Kate’s stomach sank.

  “That’s not exactly what I meant,” she said.

  “Then figure out what exactly you do mean,” Nat said. “Because you sound selfish. You sound like the only way you’re going to put an effort into making this work is if I do things your way. And that’s not going to happen. So think hard, Kate.”

  Abruptly, Nat pushed her chair out and walked away. Kate watched her go, watched her rejoin the table of friends. She thought about saying something, thought about walking over there. But she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t open herself up in front of anyone but Nat. Certainly not the people sitting at that table.

  Slowly she stood up, turned, and on shaking legs walked out of the bar. Did she really sound so selfish? It hadn’t been her intention. It truly hadn’t.

  She sat for a long time in the van before she drove away. She felt terrible. Misunderstood, sick, lonely. All because of a fight. A stupid, short, unimportant little fight. Which was ridiculous. She and Nat weren’t even a couple. They weren’t even together. Not really together.

  She could call. She knew that. She could call and apologize and everything would be alright. She could fix all this in moments. But she didn’t. Because Nat was right. She needed time to think about what she honestly wanted. Time to decide what she was willing to risk, what price she would pay, what compromises she could make to make this work. Time to decide just how important Nat really was to her.

  The van stumbled down the street, the streetlights blurring. Kate tried to blink them back into focus. It was a minute before she realized that she was crying.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “It’s not that hard, Kate.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  She was lying on her mattress, the streetlights painting the ceiling, hoping that Mel would have answers for her. The phone was pressed up against her ear.

  “What do you want?”

  “I want to go to New York. And I want Nat to come with me.”

  “See, that’s exactly why she told you that you sounded selfish.”

  “Well, you asked.”

  Mel sighed. “Listen, I’m proud of you Kate. You’re obviously trying hard to let this woman into your life. But maybe on this occasion, you might have gone a little fast? I mean, three dates and asking someone to move in with you?”

  “It’s a lesbian thing,” Kate said, crossing her legs one on top of the other. “You know, we bring U-Hauls on the first date.”

  There was a laugh. “Okay, okay. So, here’s the real question then. You can’t have exactly what you want. Nat isn’t going to move in with you. At least not in New York, not yet. So either you don’t go to New York, or you do the long distance thing for a while and see how it works out. Or, alternatively, you end things now.”

  “Jeez.”

  “Yeah, life’s full of tough choices, girl. Maybe we need to be a little more fundamental. Do you like her?”

  An easy one. “Yes. I mean, I’m infuriated with myself for it. But yes, yes I do. She’s smart, funny, she makes me relax. I think she’s good for me. I know that I’ve been a bear about letting her into my life, and I know it’s not going to be easy. But I definitely have feelings, and I definitely want to see how things turn out.”

  “I think you’ve answered part of your own question then. You know that you want to be with her. The rest is just window dressing. If it’s meant to work, then it’ll work. No matter where you are or where she is.”

  Kate closed her eyes. Why she’d needed Mel to talk her through this, she didn’t know. But Mel had called first, having inevitably heard about the New York job through the grapevine before Kate had had a chance to tell her.

  “Do you charge for the guru stuff?” she asked.

  “Five hundred bucks an hour,” Mel said. “Fortunately for you, the first hour is free.”

  Kate was laughing when she hung up, feeling better already. It had been a small argument, that was all. And all couples argued. She tried to tell herself that she and Nat weren’t a couple, but they were, or were turning into one.

  She rolled over. Nat was changing, was trying to change, and she had to give her credit for that. She’d slipped up and been drinking, but it was a mistake, an exception. And that had to be okay, it had to be okay for them to make mistakes. God knew, Kate was more than likely to make a few of her own. Particularly if this was developing into a real relationship.

  And perhaps, there was a sneaking thought at the back of her mind, perhaps Nat had helped her get this dream job anyway. Her modeling, plus her advice on which shots to choose, could well have made a big difference. Regardless, Nat had helped her career. More and more freelance jobs were coming in, more than she could handle. Just that morning she’d had to turn down a shoot, the third that week.

  Okay, okay, first things first. She wanted many things in life. The first thing she wanted right now though was Nat. There, she could admit it. The rest, as Mel had said, was window dressing. She picked up her phone and tapped in a text.

  “I’m sorry. Dinner tomorrow?”

  The answer came back immediately.

  “My place. Seven.”

  And Kate grinned. She was going to work on this. She was going to make every effort to change, to make this a real relationship, in the same way that Nat was working to
change. And a weight lifted off her shoulders.

  ✽✽✽

  She was nervous again as she rang the doorbell and she wondered if the nerves ever went away or if she’d feel this way whenever she was about to see Nat. The nerves dissolved into excitement as Nat opened the door. Kate took a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve had time to think. I want you.”

  There. Three simple sentences. Nat was smiling and the shine of it took Kate’s breath away. She stepped closer, reaching out, hoping that Nat was going to accept her touch, hoping she hadn’t done too much damage by being selfish.

  “You’re trying to change. I need to change too. I need to accept that compromise is important. I’m not doing things for myself, I’m doing things for both of us. That means taking your needs into account.”

  She needn’t have worried at all. Nat slid into her arms, her face rising and tilting, her eyes half closed until Kate bent and let her lips brush softly against her cheek. A thrill rose in her stomach. Searching now, her mouth found Nat’s, the sweet softness of it, the warmth of it. Their lips met and melted into each other and Nat’s hand came up to tangle in Kate’s hair and pull her in closer and Kate could no longer breathe and really didn’t care.

  Her hands were moving, skating down the curves of Nat’s body. A deep hunger filled her, a heat bubbled up inside her and her legs were suddenly shaking. She pressed back, pushing Nat inside the corridor, fumbling until she found the door without opening her eyes, slamming it closed and pressing Nat back against the wall.

  Nat’s breasts pushed against her, she could almost feel her heartbeat there. Her hands had a mind of their own, slowly pushing up, raising the tail of Nat’s shirt, gripping onto her hips. Her thumbs caressed the waistband of her pants, finally edging upwards until they felt the gentle touch of skin. Kate’s heart skipped a beat as Nat drew in a gasp of air.

  This. This was what she wanted. She hadn’t planned on it, hadn’t thought it was going to happen so soon. But now it seemed right, natural, and her body was crying out for it. Blood pulsed through her, oxygen barely reached her lungs. Nat was sighing into her, pressing against her and they fit together like puzzle pieces. A part of her had missed this, had missed connecting with another person, a part that she hadn’t even known she had. But standing in the long corridor, her body molded against Nat’s, it felt like she was coming home.