“Nope, I’m calling to tell you that I was at lunch today and Joss Harper stopped by my table.”
“Joss Harper? The agent?”
“The one and only. But he wasn’t interested in me. Oh no. He’d heard that I knew you and wanted your personal phone number. I, uh, didn’t give it to him. I got his instead. I’ll text it to you. He says to call ASAP. He wants to talk representation.”
“Jesus,” was all Kate could say.
“Jesus indeed.”
“Uh, thanks, I guess.”
“Not a problem,” said Mel. “Just you make sure that you’re making good decisions. Don’t let all this attention go to your head.”
Kate laughed. “Never.”
She hung up the phone and tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. Just as she was about to leave, LA was really taking off. An agent. Clients. Shoots. Bookings. Nat. The reasons not to go to New York kept piling up.
Why, she wondered, had she let Nat in? Why had she abandoned being alone? She wasn’t regretting it. But two months ago she’d never have considered staying in LA. And that was exactly what she was doing right now.
Yes, she had feelings for Nat. Hell, she loved Nat, she could admit that in her head even if she hadn’t said it out loud yet. And Mel’s advice had played a part. She wasn’t a little girl anymore, she didn’t need to be so careful. She understood that her grandfather had taught her to be self-reliant for good reason. But that was no longer necessary. What was necessary, she saw, was building a relationship. Those first connections, those first bridges to other people, they left her feeling stronger somehow, better. She liked herself more when she was with Nat.
Nat, of all people. Nat the bully. Nat the party girl. But the Nat she saw was neither of those things. Nat was sweet and kind and beautiful. Nat made her feel like a better person, a better photographer even.
She turned the ignition key, hoping that the van’s decrepit AC would at least cool the air a little. This relationship, she realized, was important to her. And she needed to start sharing more, start cooperating, compromising, if it was ever going to work.
Nat had to stay in LA if she was going to work. It wasn’t a lifestyle Kate approved of, and it still wasn’t one she was sure that Nat could handle. Not without her help anyway. But they could hardly move an entire TV show to New York.
Kate, on the other hand, had two opportunities. One here, one there. And LA, now, with Nat, didn’t sound so bad. Being represented by Joss Harper didn’t sound so bad. Being the talk of the town didn’t sound so bad. Even the damn heat didn’t sound so bad.
She wasn’t decided. Not exactly. But the more the idea turned in her mind, the more she thought, why not? Why not stick around. Why not see what happened? Even if nothing worked out, even if she wanted to move a year from now, two years from now, with an agent like Harper and a portfolio like the one she could build from clients in LA, well... She’d walk into another New York job.
It was a possibility.
✽✽✽
“I miss you,” the text said.
Kate lay in bed, beginning to text back, when the phone rang in her hand.
“I miss you,” Nat said.
“I miss you too.”
“Tell me about your day.”
So Kate did. She went through the shoot, told Nat about Harper. The whole thing. And then Nat told Kate about her day. And by then more than an hour had passed and Kate had barely realized it, barely thought about the time.
“Sleeping alone sucks,” Nat said.
“Agreed.”
“Wanna sleep over tomorrow?”
“My place?” asked Kate.
“No, my place,” Nat said. “Come whenever. I’ll be back by five, but the maid will let you in if you’re earlier.”
It took a long time to say goodbye. Longer than she’d have believed possible. But when Nat’s voice was gone Kate suddenly felt very, very alone.
Being independent had been a good thing. It had got her far. But now, she was beginning to realize, she needed more. She needed to be with someone. Someone like Nat. She was letting Nat in because she needed to. She needed to grow, to change, to let herself open up.
And all of that might mean sticking around in LA for a while. It was, Kate thought, not the biggest sacrifice in the world. And maybe it was worth it. Worth it to stay with Nat.
Chapter Fifteen
It was hot, the small studio steamy and sticky. Nat had her hair looped up and was sitting cross-legged on the floor.
“I got this,” she said.
“Just put the full sized prints in first and...”
“I got this,” Nat said again. “Go get your errands done. I’ll be finished by the time you come back.”
Kate took a deep breath and nodded. She dropped a kiss on Nat’s forehead and walked out of the studio. The first time she’d ever left someone else there alone. Not only that, but someone alone who was currently sorting through her photos. It was a big step for her, and she wondered if Nat realized that.
An itch of worry started in her stomach, but she clamped down on it. She could handle this. Besides, it was hardly the biggest step of the day. She’d finally come to a decision. And today was the day she was going to tell Nat.
As quickly as she could she picked up the film she needed and grabbed some milk from the store. Then she hurried back to the studio. Not that she was worried. Except that she was, a little. She breathed easier when she unlocked the door.
“All done,” Nat said, brushing her hands off and standing up.
Kate looked down into the cartons. Perfect. Exactly as she would have done them herself. She grinned. Worrying was stupid, she reminded herself. Doubts were normal.
“Perfect.”
“Now what?” asked Nat.
“Now we start our day for real,” Kate grinned. “We’re both free all day, so I figured we should make the most of it. Ready?”
Nat stepped forward, her hand reaching out and stroking down the curve of Kate’s waist, her fingers making contact with skin where her t-shirt didn’t quite meet her jeans. Kate’s heart started to thud and her mouth watered a little. She pulled Nat closer, kissed her soundly and slowly, lingering to taste her sweet scent. Then she pulled away.
“Later,” she promised. “Now we’re going out.”
Nat pretended to sulk for a second, then grinned. “Out we go then.”
✽✽✽
They’d driven out towards Santa Monica, leaving most of the smog of the city behind them. Nat had sung in the car, and Kate had joined in, their voices rising up and ringing out of the open windows. And when they saw the ocean they’d both yelled out with glee.
“Park it just down here,” Nat said. “I swear to God, this place has fish so fresh it’s practically still swimming. You’re gonna love it.”
Kate did as she was told. She jumped out of the van while Nat was still adjusting her sunglasses, and held open the passenger side door.
“Ma’am,” she said, bowing slightly.
Nat accepted her hand to exit the van. But when Kate caught up with her after locking up and tried to slip her hand into Nat’s, Nat drew back.
“Not on the street,” she said softly.
Kate looked around at the crowds of beach-goers. No one seemed to care much. Nat’s recoil had stung a little.
“No one’s going to recognize you,” she said.
“Wanna bet,” said Nat, with a wry grin.
Kate bit her lip but withdrew her hand.
“I’m sorry,” Nat said, as they walked. “I know this is difficult. I’ll work on it. One day we’ll walk down the street holding hands. Promise.”
And her half-smile was so lovely, so fragile and beautiful that Kate scolded herself for being childish. Here she was, walking down the street with Nat Lee, who was she to sulk because she couldn’t hold her girlfriend’s hand?
“Oh. My. God. Is that Nat Lee? It is, isn’t it? Are you Nat Lee?”
If the timing had been any better, Kate would ha
ve sworn that Nat had engineered the entire situation for her benefit. A teenage girl had her hand over her mouth and was babbling to her friends, then heads turned and suddenly there were eyes everywhere. Kate turned to Nat, not sure what to do, how to respond. But Nat was already turning toward the many cameras, already starting to smile.
Kate hesitated, then took a step backward, going into the shadow under the restaurant’s awning. Nat’s smile was widening, she was taking a pen, she was signing a paper, she was instinctively turning to whichever camera was closest. This, Kate realized, was Nat in her element. This was what she thrived upon. The attention, the flash of the camera, the squeals of excitement. She watched as Nat became a professional, as she smiled at little girls, teased men. This was her life. This was why she’d never leave LA.
And this, here in the cool dark of the shade, was where Kate would have to be. At least for now. At least until Nat came out. Was she okay with that? She leaned back against a cool wall. Would she be happier up there in the crowd with Nat? Because that was the other option. She felt panic start to rise in her stomach, the nerves coming back.
“Are you alright?”
An older woman was sitting shaded under the awning. Kate hadn’t noticed her.
“Fine,” she said shortly.
The woman turned her large dark sunglasses on her. “You don’t look fine,” she said. She turned back to look at the chaos surrounding Nat. “Friend? Lover?”
“Girlfriend,” said Kate.
The woman smiled an old smile. “Tough, isn’t it?” she said. “Sharing them with the public like that.”
And Kate frowned at her until the woman laughed.
“And tough to believe that I used to be as beautiful as you, my dear. No, I’ve dated my share of fame way back when. The thing you have to remember is that they’re two separate people. The public person and the private person. Two completely different people. That girl there, she’s not your girlfriend. She’s... whatever she is. Actress?”
“Model,” Kate said.
“She’s a model. Your girlfriend is the one that eats dinner with you every night. The one that laughs at your jokes. Keep them separate and you’ll be just fine. Get jealous of the other woman, the public woman, and you won’t last three months.”
Kate watched as Nat began to fend off the crowd, turning towards her, smiling just for her, a smile different to the ones she gave the camera. Two different people. Yes. That she could do, that she could understand. Probably.
✽✽✽
Three times their lunch was interrupted. Each time, Nat was graceful and charming though she made sure the fan didn’t linger. By the time they got to the beach and were lost in a crowd too busy to notice who was in their midst, Kate wondered just how the hell Nat dealt with all this.
“It’s part of the job,” Nat said, laying her towel down on a rented sunbed. “Here, put this on for me.”
She handed Kate a tube of high factor sun cream and Kate squeezed some out onto her hands.
“It’s not the worst part of the job either,” Nat continued. “In fact, it’s quite nice sometimes. They’re fans, people that like me, it’s flattering.”
“Like you?” asked Kate, smearing sun cream onto the smoothness of Nat’s back. “They don’t even know you.”
The cream was cold against the warmth of Nat’s skin and Kate’s insides trembled as she slowly stroked the lotion onto her. Just touching Nat was enough to set her aflame. Touching her like this, here, in public, with eyes everywhere, was almost more than she could take.
“Jealous?”
The word cut right to the heart of the matter, briskly and openly. It was something that she liked about Nat, that ability to wade through the bullshit, to get to the point.
“A little,” she admitted.
“Of the fame?” asked Nat. “Because the reception you’re getting now means that you’re going to have fans of your own, you know. Have you considered that?”
She hadn’t and didn’t particularly want to. “Not of the fame,” she said, capping the sunscreen tube. “Of the way they approach you, I guess. Of how they think they know you. Of the interruption.”
Nat turned around so that she was facing her and Kate dug her toes into the burning sand.
“It’s part of my life,” Nat said. “I can’t tell you that it’s going to change.”
“It’s something I have to deal with.”
“Yes,” said Nat. “That sounds harsh, but it is. People know who I am. Anywhere I go, people know my name.”
“You looked... in your element,” Kate said, looking down at her buried toes.
“Kind of,” said Nat gently. “Some of it’s practice, some of it is just my job. Part of me likes the attention, I suppose, or I wouldn’t do it. But I don’t always love it, no.”
“You don’t?”
“Are you kidding me?” Nat said. “Outside of my apartment, nothing is mine. Anything and everything I do can be photographed, examined, reported on. I have to be constantly on guard. Drinking makes it easier because you can forget that you’re being watched all the time. Other than that, well, yeah, it makes you kind of paranoid sometimes.”
“Sounds horrific,” Kate said, glancing upwards again and seeing Nat’s dark eyes watching her.
“It’s the price you pay to play.”
“And the price I’ll have to pay too, to be with you.”
Nat nodded and Kate sighed.
“Nat, we’ve got to talk at some point about making this public. About you, well, coming out. I can deal with the pictures, with the people, the fans, or at least I think I can. I can’t deal with lying. I need as much honesty as we can get.”
“I know,” said Nat. And she reached out, put her hand on Kate’s leg and Kate’s pulse quickened. “I’ve been thinking about it.”
“You have?”
“Of course, I’m not an idiot. But this isn’t just my decision. If it were, I’d scream it out loud right now, I swear to you. It was never important before, at least not important enough to care what other people think. But now it is.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s important to you, Kate. But like I said, it’s not just my decision. I’ll have to work with Brooks, and with the show and the TV station on how and where and when this can happen. I don’t own my public life, Kate. As weird as that sounds, there are other people that depend on me, on how I appear and how I act.”
Kate raised her eyebrows and Nat laughed.
“I know, I know. Sounds weird coming from me, right? But it’s a lesson that I’ve learned. Learned because of you. The bad press, the partying, it affected more than just me. It affected those that work around me as well. I get that now.”
“Really?”
“Really,” Nat said. “And I know that this is hard for you, and I appreciate you sticking with it. It’s an issue that I’m dealing with, and one that I hope will be solved as soon as possible. I want this, Kate. I want you, I want us. But I also want my career. I want this job, I want to be on TV. And some part of me wants the fans and the attention too, I can’t deny that.”
Kate swung her legs around so that she was lying rather than sitting on her sun lounger. She felt lighter now that they’d talked. Better. The situation wasn’t perfect, but every couple had to deal with issues. Theirs were just a little more public than most people’s. And she was about to tell Nat what she’d decided. Almost about to do more than that, about to tell Nat her real feelings. Something just felt right about the moment, the sun, the light, the openness. But before she could speak someone else did.
“Are you Nat Lee?”
Two teenage boys were standing by the side of Nat’s sun lounger, one holding out a phone. Nat looked at Kate, then smiled at the boys and nodded. Kate took a deep breath then stretched out her hand.
“Want me to take a picture of you guys with Nat?” she asked.
Nat flashed her a grin as the boy handed over the phone.
✽✽✽
<
br /> It was late that night, Nat’s bedroom dim with clothes scattered over the floor, before the moment felt right again. Nat was snuggled against her, warm skin against warm skin, her breathing still hitched, her body still tremoring slightly. Kate was warm, relaxed, sated.
“I have something to say,” she said into the darkness.
“Give me five minutes,” groaned Nat. “I need to recover a little first.”
Kate laughed. “No, not that.” Nat’s hand moved up her leg. “Okay, maybe that,” she said. “But first I need to tell you something.”
Nat’s hand stopped moving.
“I’m not taking the job in New York.”
And suddenly Nat was moving, sitting up, her eyes wide. “You’re not?”
“I’ll call tomorrow and tell them.”
Nat rubbed her face, disbelieving. “But... but this is what you wanted. This was your dream job.”
“Dreams can change.”
“Are you doing this for me?”
Kate took a deep breath then shook her head. “No, I’m doing it for me. For us maybe.”
“Please don’t make big sacrifices for me, Kate. That leaves me indebted to you. I’m not sure I could handle that.”
Kate reached out and took her hand. “Listen. Since my shoot with you, I’ve got more work than I can handle. I have a meeting next week with Joss Harper about representing me. There’s plenty of work in LA for me now. And if it doesn’t work out, well, with Harper as my agent and a portfolio full of pictures of you I don’t see any trouble in getting any other job that I want. So it’s not a huge sacrifice.”
“Okay,” said Nat slowly.
“But I also want to stay here. I feel like this, us, we’re working. I want to see what happens. I want to be with you. And to be honest, I was worried about going to New York, about how that would affect us. I wasn’t sure I could handle long distance. And now I know that I can’t. Even going for a night without sleeping next to you is tough, Nat. I don’t want to be without you.”
“You’re sure about this?”
“I’m sure.”
Fair of Face Page 12
