Desertion

by River Savage

  “Oh, you should have invited them in.” She goes back to icing the cake, missing my panicked state.

  “They were just dropping by, couldn’t stay.” My gaze travels over to my sister and I catch her watching me.

  “Oh, what a shame,” she teases, reading my panic. After talking with Ava last night about Jesse, I feel closer to her, but it doesn’t mean she’s going to stop giving me shit. That’s what little sisters are for, right?

  “Yes, a shame.” I fire a do-not-push-it look her way.

  “Bell, can you run and get your dad? The cake is ready,” Mom asks, missing the unspoken conversation between Ava and me.

  “Sure.” I smile the most upbeat smile I can conjure. I hate this part of the day. I understand it’s important to remember Paige, but I just feel sometimes I need to remember her on my own. Hanging around pretending like everything is okay can become exhausting.

  “Dad, Mom’s ready with the cake.” I knock on Dad’s office door. When he isn’t in the shop working on boats, he’s in here, doing paperwork.

  “Okay, darling.” He closes his laptop and stands. I watch him carefully, wondering what it must feel like on days like this, but never really sure how to go about asking. “Are you okay, Bell?” he asks, wrapping his arm around me.

  “Yeah, Dad,” I sigh, as we make our way into the kitchen.

  “You’re not, but I get it.” He stops and turns to look at me. “I know how hard it is for all of us today. We all need to grieve and remember in our own way. Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll get you out of here,” he whispers as my mom brings the cake to the table. I want to fall into his embrace, and tell him how much I need that but I don’t. I can’t.

  “Okay,” Mom says with a shaky voice. “Everyone come on.” She waves us forward. My dad gives me a wink and motions me forward. “Happy birthday, Paige, wherever you are, baby girl. We are thinking about you and we love you.” She lights the candle and we all softly sing “Happy Birthday.” My mom breaks down after blowing out the candle and my dad sweeps in to comfort her. He gives me a wink walking out of the kitchen and up the stairs to their bedroom where he will probably spend the next few hours holding mom while she comes undone.

  “Are you going out now?” I ask Ava as I place the cake in the fridge and tidy the kitchen. She stayed quiet at the table as Dad took Mom, not once moving.

  “I think I’m just going to go watch some television.” She stands and walks out, leaving me alone. I contemplate going to see her, but Dad was right. We all need to mourn and remember her in our own way.

  Grabbing my keys, I head straight for the car. I don’t know where I’m going, just that I need to get out of here and think.

  I drive thinking about growing up with Paige, and what we used to do on our birthdays. Paige and I were close. She is only a year younger than me and we were like best friends. We shared a room, told each other everything. It’s why I know she wouldn’t have run away. She would never run from me. She was happy. I would know if something was up. I never agreed with what the police thought. I just know she wouldn’t do it. In the beginning, I thought she would just come back to us. We would wake up one day and she would be back. But as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, I would fight an internal battle wondering if she was dead or alive. The unknown is always worse. And most days, I pray she isn’t in any pain, and if she is dead, wishing whoever took her life made it quick. It may be morbid and may be wrong, but the thought of anything else makes my stomach roll. If I could swap places with her, I would. If I could save her, I would.

  After what feels like hours, I find myself driving up the gravel driveway of the Knights Rebels’ compound. I park my car and just sit and try to figure out what I’m doing here.

  “You just gonna sit out here all day or you gonna come on in?” A female voice pulls me out of my head with a tap on the window.

  “Sorry?” I look up to find Holly and Xzavier next to my window. “Oh, hi, Holly.” I release my seatbelt and open the door.

  “How are you, Bell?” she asks, cradles her baby boy to her chest. He’s only a couple weeks old, but by the looks of it, takes after his daddy’s build.

  “I’m good. How are you? How’s baby X?” I ask, stroking his cheek.

  “We’re great. X is getting so big like his daddy.” She gazes down at her son and places a kiss to his head. I watch her quietly as she closes her eyes and breathes him in. “What are you doing here?” She looks up out of her new baby trance and questions me.

  “Umm, well, I was hoping to see Jesse.” I look toward the front door, wondering if I’ve crossed some line coming here.

  “Oh.” A teasing smile takes over and I can tell she wants to question me, but she holds off. “Come on in.” She turns and waits for me to follow her. I exit my car and walk in silence until we get just inside the door.

  “Wait.” I stop, not sure if coming here was smart.

  “Hey, it’s okay. I can see you’re freaking, but you made it this far. Don’t back out now,” she reasons and I have to give it to her; she knows how to make me feel at ease.

  “I just don’t know if he’s going to be okay with this.” I say too much and regret it instantly.

  “If he’s an ass, I’ll kick his ass,” she says, taking my hand and pulling me further into the club. The clubhouse is noisy, not as noisy as the last time I was here, but it still makes me uneasy. More people to see me embarrassed if Jesse kicks me out again. “He’s out back.” Holly comes to a stop at the opening of the main area and points to the back glass doors.

  “You can’t just leave me now,” I plead, turning to face her. She laughs but doesn’t argue.

  “Kadence, get your ass in here,” she shouts, and a few seconds later, Kadence sticks her head around the corner.

  “Bell?” she questions when she recognizes me.

  “Hi.” I wave, wishing I was back home with Mom’s cake. I have no idea what I was thinking. These people don’t need to see my drama.

  “Go get Jesse,” Holly instructs, and a grin spreads across Kadence’s face.

  “Jesse, get your ass inside,” Kadence yells and I sink back further, planning an escape. If I could just get out of here.

  “Actually, I just remembered I left something in the car.” I turn to hightail it out of here.

  “Oh no, we have a runner.” Holly laughs and lets me pass. I don’t stop to tell her I’m not running, just walking fast, backing out before I make a fool of myself.

  “Bell?” Jesse’s voice stops me before I turn the corner.

  “Shit,” I curse, Jesse’s dirty mouth rubbing off on me.

  “Oh, Nurse Bell has a dirty mouth,” Kadence says, and it’s official, this was a bad mistake.

  “Hi.” I gingerly turn back to face him.

  “What are you doing here?” His question doesn’t sound angry or upset, just curious.

  “I was just driving and…” my mind drifts off as I contemplate how I even made it here.

  “What do you need, Bell?” Jesse steps forward, voice lowered. No judgment, just offering me whatever I need.

  “I, umm, I didn’t mean to come here.” He steps closer and my tears start to sting as I try to hold them back.

  “You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t mean to.” He takes my hand and pulls me into his arms. “Bell, talk to me,” he whispers, but I don’t need to talk. I just need to be held.

  It’s funny, I’ve never been held before like this, comforted by someone other than my parents or friends. This feels different, like his strength could hold me up all night. I’ve never felt anything like it before. The people who have held me in the past, have always been trying to hold themselves up. The way Jesse holds me, it’s like my body trusts itself to give him everything I’ve ever held in. Let someone else outside of the situation take what I can’t handle.

  “I need you,” I say, eyes closed, head resting on his chest. He picks me up with ease, giving me what I need and carries me down the hall to h
is room. He pushes open his door, then kicks it shut, before walking me to his bed.

  “You have me, Bell,” he says, pulling me closer into him as he lies next to me.

  “Her birthday gets harder and harder each year,” I say, and I know I won’t have to explain it any more than that. He understands.

  “Ahhh, sweetheart.” He holds me a little tighter as the tears come, and I know I shouldn’t let it, but it makes me fall a little more for him.

  I’m on a slippery slope and I don’t know how to stop.

  * * *

  “Hi, Bell. Nice to see you again,” Nix, Kadence’s husband, says as we walk out to the back patio where everyone is sitting. We’ve been gone for over thirty minutes, with Jesse holding me while I cried. I didn’t think I could cry any more, but each time he held me tighter, it would set off another round of tears. Eventually, I was able to get it together enough for Jesse to convince me to come out and say hi to everyone. I wasn’t expecting him to invite me out. I thought for sure, being in his bed, things would lead to other things, but he surprised me.

  “Yeah, you too, Nix.” I smile, taking a seat next to Jesse.

  “Bell, you know Nix, Sy, Holly and Kadence.” Jesse points to the faces I’m familiar with. “This ugly fucker is Beau.” He motions first to a man with long hair that’s pulled back in a small ponytail. I remember him from the first night I was here. Only in the light of the day, he doesn’t look so scary.

  “Hi,” I wave awkwardly and watch his smile transform his dark looks into something completely different. Calmer. Sexier?

  “And this is Brooks and his wife, Kelly. Their daughter over there is Mia.” He points first to an older man. His face hidden by a beard, dark with flecks of grey. I move my eyes over to his wife, Kelly. My first thought is she’s younger. A lot younger, but I’m not thrown by it. She smiles and waves before saying hello.

  “Hi.” I wave back. “Your daughter is cute.” I look over to the small blonde-haired girl playing with an older boy who looks to be twelve maybe thirteen years old.

  “That’s our son, Z.” Kadence notices me looking at him. I nod, remembering Jesse telling me about Z.

  “You okay, Bell?” Holly asks, eyeing me curiously. She saw my tears before Jesse took me to his room, and it warms my heart that she’s worried for me.

  “She’s fine,” Jesse answers for me, halting the conversations at the table.

  “Holy shit! Did you just see it?” Nix asks, and grins split over Kadence and Holly’s faces. See what?

  “I fucking told you so. You all owe me ten dollars, ” Sy says, weighing in and now I’m completely lost.

  “Shut the fuck up,” Jesse grumbles, causing them all to break out in laughter.

  “Fuck, he’s a goner,” Nix continues to push, causing Jesse to stand.

  “Don’t fucking start. You don’t know shit.” He continues to be pissed while everyone else seems so happy. What the hell is everyone talking about?

  “We’re out of here.” He leans down and takes my hand, pulling me up to stand with him.

  “We are?” I ask, confused, considering he was the one who dragged me out here in the first place.

  “Yeah, I gotta be somewhere,” he says as he starts to drag me back inside. I don’t fight him, his hold on me is rough and desperate.

  “Bye everyone,” I call out, turning back to wave. I’m sad we are leaving so soon, but maybe next time we can stay longer.

  “Bye, Bell,” Holly and Kadence call back, the rest grinning.

  “Don’t talk to those assholes,” Jesse growls, setting off another roar of laughter as he pulls me down the hall back to his room.

  “Jesse, what’s wrong?” I ask when he slams his door shut.

  “Nothing, I just need to be inside of you, right now.” He walks me to the bed and pushes me back. I land in a squeal but his mouth descends to mine before I can protest any further.

  “Have to take you, Bell,” he says against my mouth. Need pulses through me at his confession and all thoughts and worries leave me.

  “Hmm,” I hum. His hand slides up my inner thigh, under my dress, pushing my panties aside and going straight to my heat.

  “Fuck, always so wet, Bell.” His eyes roll back in his head like he’s enjoying it more than me, even though I haven’t touched him yet.

  “Jesse,” I sigh when two fingers fill me.

  “Always so ready.” His eyes burn in arousal as the corners of his mouth tips up, ready to break out in a knowing grin.

  “Just for you.” I agree as his lips move down my neck over my collarbone and across my breasts before he peppers kisses all over my belly. Finally, he’s breathing a hot breath over my cotton panties.

  “Jesus, Bell, I’m gonna come apart before I even get to taste you,” he says, and the anticipation of his touch is too much.

  “Please, Jesse,” I plead as he slides my panties down my legs.

  “Spread them wide for me, dirty girl,” he orders, and like every time he bosses, I do as I am told, spreading my legs wider to expose myself to him.

  “Holy mother fucking God.” He drops to his knees, and pulls me to the edge of the bed. My hand moves to cover myself unsure if what I have is enough for Jesse.

  “Don’t hide, Bell. I want to see how fucking perfect you are,” he whispers, holding both my hands in his beside my body. His face moves between my legs and my heart rate picks up.

  “Jesse, I’ve never.” I look down at him, my nerves eating at me. It’s all too much, having him so close.

  “I’ve got you, Bell,” he promises and I believe him. I swallow past my unease as his fingers squeeze my hand and his head descends.

  “Oh, God.” The warmth of his tongue as he lightly touches my clit has my hips bucking in frenzy. His grip releases my hands and moves to my stomach, pushing me back to the bed.

  “Keep still,” he says before running his tongue from my entrance to my clit in one slow lick. “Jesus Christ, woman, you fucking taste like Heaven.” He moans before feasting on me.

  “Holy hell, don’t ever stop,” I beg, losing my head in the foreign bliss.

  “I don’t plan to, sweetheart,” he vows, moving his tongue faster through my folds. My hands move to his head, my fingers wrapping around his hair, and pulling in satisfaction.

  “Seriously, I don’t want this to end,” I hear myself proclaim as heat builds from my core.

  “Hmmm.” His voice rumbles as my hands pull harder, my orgasm heading full speed ahead.

  “Oh, God, I’m going to,” I pant, and my hips take over, moving in time with his mouth.

  “Now,” His deep, rumbly voice orders before inserting a finger and pumping into me.

  “Jesse,” I cry out and my orgasm explodes, pushing me over into the world that’s fast becoming my favorite place.

  “Sweetheart, if I could sit and watch you come apart every day, I would die a happy man,” he murmurs, placing his soft, wet lips against the inside of my thigh, over my stomach, moving up to my chest over my neck and ending with my lips.

  “See how you taste,” he says, darting his tongue into my mouth. The taste isn’t what I would call amazing, but the act is erotic enough to make me moan.

  “I don’t know what to do with you, Bell.” He pulls back and rests his forehead to mine. “I feel like something is happening and I don’t understand it,” he confesses. Again, I get the sincere Jesse.

  “I’m not doing anything special, Jesse.” I reach up and place my hands on either side of his face.

  “But you are, don’t you see? My whole club can see.”

  “See what?” I ask, at a loss.

  “See that you make me want to be different. You make me need you,” he whispers, and I understand his fight. He just doesn’t realize that he doesn’t have to fight it. It’s not meant to be hard.

  “Is it so bad for you to need someone, Jesse? Is it so bad you want me?”

  Seventeen

  JESSE

  “Is it so bad you w
ant me?” She asks so innocently it’s almost laughable.

  “Bad, no. Dangerous? Yes.” I pull out of her grasp and she falls back.

  “What’s so dangerous about wanting someone, Jesse?” She comes up to her elbows and looks at me.

  “Sweetheart, after everything you have been through, the last thing you need is me fucking with your life.”

  “Then don’t fuck with me. Don’t hurt me, Jesse.” She sits up and connects her mouth to mine. But I need her to know it’s only inevitable. I push her back, and stand, needing distance.

  “But I will. Trust me, Bell. As much as I fucking want this, as much as fighting it gets harder, I’m going to hurt you. I’ve never let anyone in like this, with you, it’s different. Hell, everything is different. I worry about how much I am going to hurt you, or worse, fuck up your life. I’m a bad person, Bell. I’ve fucked up more than you could imagine.” I feel my cock start to soften and I know this isn’t going to end the way I wanted. I needed to be inside of her, now. Not talking about this shit.

  “What are you so afraid of, Jesse?

  “I’m afraid you’ll be another person I fail.”

  “I don’t believe that.” She shakes her head, and of course she doesn’t. Bell is so innocent; she can’t even see when the big bad wolf is banging on her door.

  “You don’t have to believe it, sweetheart. I know it and that’s enough.”

  “Jesse, I see you. I see you more than you think. I see you at the hospital, helping them down in the burns unit. I see the way you stepped up and offered to help me find Paige. The way you talk about your club. I see you, Jesse Carter. I see everything about you.”

  “You see what I allow you to see, Bell. What I allow everyone to see.” I start to take my frustration out on her. She thinks she knows me, thinks she can see me, but I know better.

  “You think you have everyone fooled?” She sits up and rights her dress. “You hide behind this fun-loving person, cracking your lame jokes. You don’t have me fooled, Jesse.”