Desertion

by River Savage

  “Clearly she wasn’t fond of an audience.” Holly waves her goodbye then turns her eyes on me. “Be nice, Jesse.” She stands and moves to the sink.

  “None of your business, Holly.” I step out of the kitchen but her voice stops me.

  “No, but you once told me something I needed to hear. It’s your turn.” I turn back and watch her, remembering the time when she and Sy were in a bad place.

  “You’re going to hurt her if you don’t start being real. You can hide all you want, pretend all you want, but you and I both know you’re falling in love.”

  “Holly, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” I don’t need her bullshit on top of everything else tonight.

  “What I don’t understand is if you’re afraid of love itself, or afraid of what it’s going to change.”

  I force my reaction to stay indifferent, when inside I recoil, knowing she’s right. “You’re talking about giving something freely and easily. You see that happening right here?” I move to denying it anyway I can.

  “I’ve seen your love, Jesse. You’ve freely and easily given it to everyone in this family. Your problem is receiving it. Is it so hard to accept someone may want to love you?” She brushes past me and moves down the hall toward Sy’s room.

  “Holly, if you knew what was inside of me, it wouldn’t be so hard to see,” I call out, still confused by everything.

  “And that is where you should start, Jesse. You stand there with your best fake smile in place, burning inside all alone when no one asked you to.” She opens his door and escapes inside before I have a chance to respond.

  What the fuck was that about? I take a moment to gather myself, but it doesn’t help. Holly’s got into my head, and fuck me, I don’t like it.

  * * *

  “Hey.” Bell looks up when I walk back into my room a few minutes later. After Holly’s parting words, it took me a moment to get my shit together. I don’t reply, just move forward and sit next to her on the end of my bed.

  “You fucked up tonight, Bell,” I tell her, unsure if I’m talking about earlier or just now.

  “I’m sorry, Jesse. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She starts to cry and the need to comfort her outweighs my anger and my concern. I grab her hand and rub small circles against her skin.

  “You could have found yourself dead, Bell.” I decide to discuss T and the shit she pulled earlier.

  “Oh, yeah…of course,” she stumbles, and I know she thought I was talking about something else. Yeah, I’m an asshole.

  “How did you even know where we were meeting?”

  “I overheard you this morning saying you would meet them at the diner tonight. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop; it just kind of happened. I swear I wasn’t planning on going, but then I just found myself there. I wanted to see who these people were.”

  “Jesus, Bell.” I release her hand and rub my hands over my face.

  “What? You wanted to know.”

  “You can’t do that, sweetheart. Number one rule here, what you hear inside this club, stays here. You keep your mouth shut and head down.”

  “Jesse, I don’t know these rules,” she argues, and she’s right. We’ve never discussed any sort of rules or how to act. She’s just fitted in.

  “We have a lot of shit we deal with, shit that’ll never touch you. You’re here with me, and you’re lucky after the shit you pulled tonight, Nix is even letting you stay.”

  “He’s not mad?” she asks, and I don’t miss the relief that washes over her.

  “Oh, he’s pissed. You’re just lucky he’s married to a woman as big a pain in the ass as you are. Doesn’t mean he won’t want to have words with you. He’s just giving me a chance to rip you a new one first.”

  “I swear, Jesse, I realize now it was stupid. I wasn’t thinking. You know how much I want to find Paige. I was just excited we had a lead and wanted to see for myself.”

  “Well, your curiosity nearly had some serious consequences. Promise me, Bell, you won’t ever do that shit again.” I pull her closer and wait for her reply.

  “I promise, Jesse, I won’t do it again.” I don’t know why I believe her this time, when she only just lied to me, but I do. I know she’s just eager and ready to help, but hopefully tonight was a big enough scare for her.

  “I mean it, Bell. You pull shit like this again, I won’t be able to have your back with Nix,” I warn, and watch her nod once.

  “Good, now come on, I’m wiped and it’s too late for you to drive home.” I stand and move to flick the light off.

  “So are you going to tell me what happened?” she asks, her voice low and tentative.

  Pushing aside my anger, I decide I’ll put her out of her misery and tell her what we know.

  “They denied any involvement, but we knew they would. Nix has given them twenty-four hours to reconsider their stand.” I climb into bed and wait for her to climb under the covers with me.

  “Do you think they’re lying?” She crawls up the bed and nestles under the sheet.

  “Of course they are, baby. They aren’t going to come clean and say they took one of ours. Granted, they didn’t know she was ours, but if T wants the truce to continue, then he’s gonna have to work with us.”

  “So what do we do?” She sits up and I nearly laugh. Fuck, she’s never going to learn.

  “You aren’t going to do anything, Bell. We have it under control.” I push her back down before she can argue, and tuck her back to my front. “Now sleep,” I order, hoping she obeys. If she keeps going, we’re going to end up talking about shit I’m not ready for.

  “I really didn’t mean it,” she whispers a few minutes later, dashing my hopes and opening it up all over again.

  “We both know you did,” I reply, unsure what else to say.

  “I don’t want to lose you, Jesse.”

  “You’re not if you don’t expect anything more than I’m giving you.” Her breath hitches at my words but shows no other sign of hearing me.

  The truth is, even knowing how dangerous keeping her in my life could be, I’m not ready to give her up.

  She’s making me lose my head and I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it.

  Twenty-Six

  BELL

  “Don’t forget dinner at our house tonight,” Nix calls out to Jesse as we make our way through the clubhouse out to my car the following morning. “Bring Bell with you,” he adds. Jesse stops and turns, but doesn’t say anything. Something passes between them before I speak up.

  “Ummm, I think I have something planned already,” I cover, hiding my disappointment that Jesse is not comfortable with me coming along.

  “You’re coming. No arguments. We need to talk about last night,” Nix orders, leaving no room for me to back out. Still needing some kind of cue from Jesse, I look up to him.

  “If the boss man says you’re coming, then you better be there.” He shrugs and takes my hand. When we woke up this morning, Jesse was back to the fun-loving guy he always seems to be. Fake and content to live that life. I know it’s not healthy to allow myself this sort of relationship, but the thought of having nothing, doesn’t appeal to me anymore, now that he has given me something.

  “Okay, see you tonight.” I turn back to Nix, hoping he doesn’t chew me out in front of everyone. Jesse doesn’t let us hang around. Tugging me along, we continue our journey out to the car.

  “You sure you’re okay with me coming?” I ask when we stop at my car. Jesse doesn’t answer right away. I tilt my head back and narrow my gaze.

  “You gonna pull any more stunts that could get me into shit with my club? ‘Cause like I told you last night, sweetheart, Nix is giving you a pass on that. He won’t give you any more.”

  “Jesse, I promise I won’t do anything like that again,” I tell him, wishing I could take it all back. Take everything back. Maybe I wouldn’t have messed things up.

  “Good, then no, I have no problem. You can even come with me.” He leans down and
presses his mouth to mine.

  “Okay, good. But I should meet you.” I push against his lips knowing he’s about to argue with me.

  “You still sneaking out like a teenager?” He pulls back, the long dips in his frown telling me he’s not impressed.

  “No, I’m just warming up to telling them. It’s not something I can just throw on them.”

  “Where did they think you were last night?” he asks and I can’t help but cringe.

  “Working a double.” I bite my lip, waiting for him to let me have it.

  “Bell, that is not normal.”

  “I know. Jesus, I don’t need a lecture from you, too. You of all people should understand this. Not that it’s anyone’s business where I spend my time. I just find it’s better for all parties if they think I’m hanging out with Lissy, or at work and not some badass biker clubhouse.” I nudge my head, pointing at the front of the clubhouse. His lips part slightly and I raise my brows, waiting for him to push, to tell me how ridiculous this whole thing is, but he doesn’t and I’m glad. It’s one thing to call me out on my issues, but he can’t, not when he has his own.

  “I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I just want you to be happy, and right now, you really gonna tell me you’re happy with this arrangement?”

  I nod, taking in his opinion, but instead of thinking too much on it, I rise up on my toes and kiss him. “What time tonight?”

  “Be here at five. We’ll take my bike.” I nod once more and kiss him again.

  “Okay, bye.” I open my door and get in. He stands watching me, patiently waiting as I reverse out. He stays standing there when I exit through the front gates and travel down the short road. I know he’ll stand there waiting until I’m no longer in sight. He does it every time I leave, and every time I fall a little more in love with him.

  * * *

  “Hey, honey, how you doing?” My mom’s voice interrupts me as I attempt to apply mascara.

  “Hey, Mom.” I look up from my mirror and watch her walk in, taking a seat on my bed.

  “I haven’t seen you all week. You going out again?” she asks, looking around my room. I push the guilt of keeping the news of Paige down deep and pretend that I don’t know. I know if it was me, I would want to know, but until we know for sure, I’m not going to get anyone else’s hopes up.

  “Yeah, work’s been crazy and just been hanging out with Lissy.” I lie, giving up on the mascara. It’s a waste of time. I fail at this stuff.

  “You going to Lissy’s again this time?” she asks and her tone changes, putting me on alert.

  “Ahh, no actually.” I turn to face her, and wait for her reaction.

  “Oh, Manda?”

  “Umm, no. I have a date.” I decide to try out the truth this time.

  “A date?” She sounds surprised, but not as much as I thought she would.

  “I’ve been seeing someone,” I blurt out, unable to keep hiding it.

  She doesn’t say anything to start with and I begin to question my decisions. Maybe she’s not ready for the truth.

  “I knew something was up. I’ve noticed a change in you. I should have put it together.” For a moment her eyes remain steady, unblinking, until she shakes her head.

  “You have?” I move from my chair and sit next to her on my bed.

  “Bell, I was once your age. I’ve noticed the smiles that come across your face when you read your messages. The late night phone calls in your room.” I dip my head in embarrassment thinking I had kept it all a secret. She knew all along.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” I ask, unsure why she never said anything. All this sneaking around, was for nothing?

  “I don’t know. Maybe to hold on to you a little bit longer.” She sighs then takes my hand. “Bell, listen, I know I haven’t been the best mother I could be—”

  “Mom, no—”

  “Just listen to me, baby. I haven’t been the best mom, you and I both know it. I’ve tried really hard to be the mom you need. Sometimes I wondered why God was testing me when we lost Paige, and the last thing I needed was to lose you too. But that was selfish of me. It wasn’t fair to you.”

  “Mom, I get it.”

  “How could you, baby? How could you possibly understand that I look at you, Bell, and I see myself? Always wanting to please everyone…and that makes me a bad mother for allowing it. I know when I look at you, I haven't allowed you to be the person you wanted to be. I held on. You deserve more than that.” She stops a moment to gather herself. “Do you know how proud of you I am?” She takes my face and a lone tear rolls down my cheek at hearing those words. “Another thing I have failed to tell you.” She shakes her head. “You amaze me, Bell, every day. Part of me holding on to you was because you kept me grounded. You reminded me of the person I was before Paige went missing.”

  “No, Mom, don’t you see, it’s you who is amazing? I never blamed you. You’re so strong and brave. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have been honest.” I stand and snatch some tissues off my nightstand and hand her one.

  “Thanks." She sniffs and wipes her eyes. “Look at us.” She laughs while we get ourselves together.

  “I think it’s been a long time coming,” I reply, wiping my own eyes. She doesn’t reply, but I don’t miss the regret etched into her features.

  “So, is it serious? This man?”

  “No.” I shrug, unable to tell her what Jesse and I are when I don’t even know. It’s like I’m waiting for him to force me out, or let me in.

  “It’s serious for you. I see it in your eyes. What’s his name?”

  “Jesse.” I confess, not ready to tell her everything just yet.

  “I’m happy for you, baby.” She pulls me into her arms, and for the first time in years, I let my mother comfort me. In the past, any sort of comfort between us has always been me reaching out to her, but today it’s different. It’s real.

  “I love you, Bell,”

  “I love you, too, Mom.” I pull back and wipe my eyes once again.

  “What’s going on in here?” Ava interrupts our crying session.

  “Bell has a date.” Mom lights up and shocks me with her excitement.

  “So you told her about hot biker boy?”

  “He has a bike?” Mom stands and a new level of stress moves over her face.

  “Mom, relax. It’s not a big deal.” I tug her back down beside me before she has a panic attack. I look at my sister and give her a look that says thanks a lot.

  “Oh, I’m fine. I’m worried for you when your father finds out…” she trails off and the room falls silent before my sister laughs, setting Mom off and subsequently me.

  “This isn’t even funny,” I say finally after my mom stops laughing.

  “You’re right.” She leans in and kisses my cheek. “Bell, you deserve to be happy. I’m glad you’re getting there.” She nods then gets up. “I’ll just leave it to you to tell your dad about the bike.” I let her parting remark sink in while listening to her and my sister laugh their way down the stairs.

  What the hell just happened?

  I turn and look in the mirror. My eyes are smudged from crying.

  Damn it.

  Fixing myself up, I reach for my phone and type out a message.

  ME: Change of plans. Pick me up?

  I set my phone back down and look at it, as if willing Jesse to reply instantly. My finger taps on my wooden dressing table.

  Tap. Tap. Tap.

  My rhythm picks up, matching my heartbeat.

  Tap. Tap. Tap.

  The phone beeps two minutes later, jostling me out of my stare.

  JESSE: On my way.

  I can’t control the smile as it grows on my face. Placing my phone down, I finish getting ready, as an enormous sense of peace cleanses me of worry and doubt.

  I know it’s not a huge or a life-changing step, but to me, it’s something.

  Either way, I’m moving forward. I just hope Jesse allows himself too.

&n
bsp; Twenty-Seven

  JESSE

  “Then, he just drops his jeans, stands there butt naked, and starts swinging it around.” Holly’s hand comes down on the table in front of her, holding herself while she erupts in laughter. At my expense.

  “That’s not how I remember it,” I counter, looking to Bell and wanting her to know my side. Not that I think it’s going to help. Kadence, Holly and Kelly have been reliving tale after tale of the shit I’ve gotten myself into. None of them flattering.

  It’s later that night and we’ve just finished dinner. Kadence and Nix just escaped upstairs, no doubt to fuck. They’ve been all over each other all night, something the club is excited to see. After the last few months of drama between them, Kadence dealing with her own shit, seeing them back to the way things were last year brings us all peace.

  “You were drunk, and naked. How do you remember it?” Kelly raises her brows in challenge.

  “You swindled us.” I look to Sy, waiting for some back up. He doesn’t give it, too busy laughing with the women. Fucker. “You made out like you couldn’t even hold the cue.” I chuckle, remembering how well they got us.

  “Serves you right for thinking you could beat girls.” Bell weighs in, shaking with laughter.

  “I’m never going to live this down, am I?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  “Hell no,” both Kelly and Holly answer through their laughter.

  “We need to play this game again,” Bell announces, and both the girls nod in agreement.

  “Yes, we should. Next club BBQ.” Holly nods, even more excited to bring Bell in to the mix.

  I push down the knot forming in my stomach at watching Bell sit and interact with my family. My club.

  “Kelly, you ready?” Brooks calls out from the kitchen breaking up their laughter.

  “I’ve been summoned. I’ll speak to you later.” Kelly stands, says her goodbyes then walks back inside.