Desertion
Page 24
“Bell!” he calls to me, but I can’t bring myself to stop.
“Don’t fucking talk to her, fucker.” I hear Sy say as Holly walks me down to the kitchen.
“Oh, God, Bell. What the fuck happened?” She sits me down at the table and moves to the freezer. My hands tremble in front of me, so I fold them into each other hoping they calm.
“I don’t know,” I manage to wheeze before Holly returns with an ice tray and a dish cloth. “How did you guys…” I stop to swallow, the pain too much to talk through.
“I heard Jesse shouting, then you scream, and a glass smashing.” She shakes her head. “I knew something wasn’t right, so I woke Sy up and came to check.” Her hand shakes as she reaches forward and passes me her makeshift ice pack.
“I’m okay, Holly.” I grasp her hand and give her a squeeze.
“Jesus, I can’t imagine what would have happened if we didn’t come in.” Her lip quivers and it nearly sets me off.
“I don’t want to think about it, Holly,” I whisper, keeping my mind off what might have happened.
“Bell! Sweetheart,” Jesse shouts out from the hall.
“Stay the fuck back, Jesse. Let me check on her first,” Sy orders, coming to stand in the doorway before Jesse can enter.
“Fuck off, Sy. I’m not going to hurt her.” He continues to argue, but Sy doesn’t relent.
“Didn’t look like it when I stormed in. You had your fucking hands around her neck and she was seconds away from passing out,” Sy delivers the blow, taking me back to the bed and the darkness closing in.
“Fuck!” Jesse shouts, delivering a punch to the wall next to Sy.
“You need to calm the fuck down, brother. I’m not letting you in till I speak with her, you feel me?” Jesse doesn’t reply right away, but after a few minutes, he agrees and heads back out to the main room waiting for Sy.
“You okay, Bell?” Sy moves to stand in front of me. He drops to a squat and reaches out to inspect my neck. I flinch at the movement. I know Sy would never hurt me, but my reasoning doesn’t want to trust him.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he reassures me. Forcing myself to relax, I nod, letting him inspect my neck.
“How does it feel to swallow?” He turns my neck from side to side.
“It’s tender,” I croak, testing it out.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck happened?”
“He was dreaming. I reached over and tried to wake him up. I wasn’t thinking properly. I just wanted to wake him… With everything that happened today…” I shake my head. “He reached out, got a hold of me and I couldn’t fight it.” Sy’s eyes darken as I fill in the blanks. His lips press together and the vein on the side of his temple pulses. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have touched him. I know this,” I defend him but it only serves to piss Sy off further.
“This isn’t your fault, Bell. Don’t even go there.” He points a look at me that says don’t say it.
“What do you wanna do? You want me to take you home, or tell Jesse to get the fuck out of here?” Sy stands and gets some more ice from the freezer
“Can I see him?” I ask, needing to show Jesse I’m okay. He stops and looks back over.
“Whatever you want, Bell. But I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Jesse won’t hurt me on purpose, guys.” I look between Holly and Sy needing them to understand.
“Not budging on it.” He hands me a better packed cloth and tells me to keep icing. “I’ll go get him.” He moves to leave, but on cue, Jesse walks in.
“I’m here, fucker.” Jesse nudges Sy out of the way and kneels down in front of me. “Fuck, sweetheart. I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” he repeats, moving his hands to my face and slightly turning it to see the damage. “I would never hurt you, baby.” He looks so torn up, my heart is breaking for him.
“It’s okay, Jesse. I know. It was an accident. I’m fine.” I push down the memories of him choking me and focus on reassuring him.
“You’re not fucking fine, my goddamn fingers are imprinted in your fucking neck!” he shouts, causing me to recoil.
“You’re scaring her, Jesse.” Holly steps in close, but I shake my head. Jesse’s only reacting to his fear. I know he would never hurt me.
“It was an accident, Jesse. I know that.” I take his hands in mine and hold them to my face. “I’m okay.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I fucked up.” He drops his head and I want to take his anguish away, but I don’t know how.
“Jesse, everything is okay. It was just a dream,” I plead as he starts to pull away.
“Bell.” He stands to full height and the agony I hear in my name says it all. “Sy will take you home. You’re better off not being around me right now.” He moves ready to leave.
“No, I don’t wanna go. Don’t make me go. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” I try to bargain and beg, anything to stop him from pushing me away.
“Fine, stay. But I’m going and you need to be gone in the morning.” He stops, turns and looks down at me. The man I’ve fallen in love with stares vacantly. I want to scream out, tell him I need him and beg him to come back.
“So that’s it, huh? You’re just going to walk?” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice. The sting of rejection more painful than what his fingers did to my neck.
“I nearly fucking killed you, Bell. I had my fucking hands around your throat and was taking your life. I thought you were trying to kill me. You think I want that on me? I can’t even look at you.” He spins and I stand, not ready for this to end. We have something worth fighting for. I’m not going to let him give up on us.
“Don’t you dare walk out of this room, Jesse Carter. I won’t allow you to push me away.” The determination blazing through me fails to deliver when my voice cracks. I watch him cringe in pain hearing it. Knowing he did this to me is going to kill him. It’s going to kill us.
“You have no choice.” Dread weighs heavy on my heart when I hear the desolation in his voice.
“I don’t have a choice? We promised each other honesty, Jesse.”
“You want honesty? Fine. You’re not what I need and I’m not what you need.”
“You don’t know what I need, Jesse. I told you I would take you any way, even if this is all you can give me.”
“You don’t get it. You will never get it.”
“I do, you know I do.” I step forward needing his touch, anything to center me.
“Bell, look at you and look at me. I’m so fucked up and I don’t need your fucked up on me either.”
His words hit unexpectedly like running into a glass door unaware. Embarrassment and pain boils through me when I realize how desperate I must look. Pleading for his love when he’s never given it.
“My fucked up?” I repeat his words, keeping my eyes on him. Part of me knows he’s pushing me away the only way he knows how, and I understand that. But it doesn’t stop the hurt. “You think I’m fucked up, Jesse?”
“Sweetheart, you’re twenty-three years old. You let your parents tell you what to do. You’re so caught up in finding your sister, you put your own life at risk. You walked into this club, gave yourself to me, and you’re so goddamn innocent I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Jesse,” Holly starts but I block her out. I block everything out as the world around me slows for a second. His words echoing around me.
“My sister is alive. I’m not going to give up on her.” A deep line creases between his brows, an expression mixed with pain and determination.
“Yeah, well, maybe you should. Jesus, Bell, don’t you think it’s time to move on. She ain’t coming back.” My hand snakes out fast, slapping him across the face as hard as I can.
“Don’t you dare fucking speak of her like she is dead! You heard Nix, they have a lead.” I’ve never hit anyone in my life, but the burning pain in my palm does nothing to calm me as I stand face to face with the man I thought I was in love with.
“She’s probably lo
ng gone, sweetheart. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can move on, the sooner we can move on.”
“That’s enough. You’re both hurting right now. This isn’t the time or the place.” Sy steps in front of us, but Jesse isn’t done.
“Your family is what is holding you back, Bell. Can’t you see?” He begins to laugh and the need to slap him again tingles in my fingers, but I force it away. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want him to stop hurting me.
“All I see is hope, Jesse, and maybe you don’t get that. No, I know you don’t. You don’t understand a love like that, because you walk around thinking everything is about you. Everyone has done you wrong and you have no hand in anything. You have a family who wants to love you, but you make it so goddamn hard. You’re so fucked in the head you wrapped your hands around my neck and tried to kill me!” I snap my mouth shut as soon as the words spew out.
“Exactly,” he sighs, and it’s then I realize I just walked right into what he wanted. He played me.
“You know what? You’re right. You’re so messed up I feel sorry for you,” I whisper, knowing there is no saving us. We’re done. I can see it in his eyes. The way he’s shutting me out, I can’t save us.
“Don’t feel sorry for me, sweetheart. I deserve everything I get.” His tone drips in resentment. The need to go to him, and tell him not to be so hard on himself fades. He has done this to himself. He is the one who pushes everyone away. I’m done trying.
“You do deserve everything you get, Jesse. I never used to think you did, but standing here right now, I see it. You’re lonely because you want to be. You push everyone away ‘cause you’re scared. Scared they will see the man you have become. You’re scared of what loving me back means to you, so you’re going to push me away too.” I squeeze my eyes shut, swallowing past the pain.
“I do love you, Bell, but at what cost.” He points to my neck.
“This means nothing!” I point to my neck, but it doesn’t matter how hard I fight, it won’t change anything. Without another word, he turns and walks out, leaving me standing more alone than I’ve ever been in my life.
He breathed possibility into my life, showed me what I was missing, and in one night, he took it all away.
Thirty-One
JESSE
“Carter, just let me go,” Conner pleads as I do my best to make a tourniquet on his leg with my belt. The barrage lifted a few minutes ago, leaving the smell of burnt flesh and death behind.
“We need a medic!” I shout, still waiting for the medevac.
“I don’t wanna live like this.” Conner keeps fighting, pushing me away as I release his belt to start on the second leg.
“Conner, Jefferies is gone. I’m not fucking losing you too. Do you hear me?”
“Incoming.” Wilcox the convoy leader finds his way into the Humvee to update us. “Medevac is two beats out,” he informs us with a nod.
“Roger,” I reply, then send a silent prayer that we get him out of here alive. The truth is, deep down, a part of me understands his plea. If I was in the same position, one leg blown off, and the other fucked up who knows how bad, I wouldn’t want to live either.
“What sort of fucking life is this? Just fucking kill me, just do it now, Carter. Please, just fucking end this for me.”
I wake with a jolt to the sound of Conner’s pleading.
Jesus fuck.
“You okay, Jesse?” my mom’s voice floats from across the room. I sit up realizing I’m not at home, but in my father’s hospital room. Shit, I must have drifted off.
“Err, yeah.” I rub at my face. “What’s the time?” I ask, looking over at my father. He hasn’t moved since I’ve been here, the machine next to him delivering enough pain relief to keep him from waking up to see me. What a waste of time.
“Eleven. He hasn’t woken.” She stands and moves closer to the bed. She fiddles with some wires, and then pushes some buttons until the machine beeps, breaking the silence of the dark room.
“I don’t think I can do this, Mom,” I blurt without thinking. Wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans, I stand and get ready to retreat.
“Why is it so hard for you to let go, Jesse?” She looks up, her eyes have sunken in from the stress of it all, aging her more than her sixty-five years.
“Why didn’t you ever leave him?” I reply with my own question. I don’t expect her to comment, but I wait anyway. I mean, growing up experiencing everything we had, I think at the very least I deserve to know why she stayed.
“I thought about it a few times. Even made it as far as packing a bag once. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.” She shocks me and I can’t keep the accusation out of my voice any longer.
“Why would you stay if you had the chance to get away?”
She moves back to the chair she was sitting in, and shakes her head once before taking a deep breath. “There are things you don’t know, Jesse. Things he’s seen, things he went through as a child.”
“Things that excuse him for beating us, beating you?” I push, needing more. Smoke and mirrors have always been Mom’s way of dealing. I’m not accepting that anymore. For a long time I hated her too. Often wondering how I was supposed to trust her when she stood by and allowed the abuse to happen. She was just as much to blame as him. But after a while, that blame shifted to pity. I witnessed my mother's physical and mental suffering, I saw her limitations, her inabilities and how her world was shrunken. I saw myself in her.
“Your father was a sick man, Jesse. Ever since he came back from his first tour, I knew he had changed. At first, I thought it was just a phase, something he would eventually get through, but it only escalated. He promised me he would get help and I believed him. In sickness and in health…”
“But he never did, so why didn’t you leave?” I push for more, not allowing her to hide behind her fear any longer.
“I wouldn’t have been able to give you boys the lives you had without him, Jesse. A single mom, three boys. What sort of life would that have been?” she asks, and I almost laugh.
“You think we had a good life? The schools, the clothes, everything he provided for us, it meant nothing.”
“It meant something to me, Jesse. I wanted to give you boys everything I could. I’m not saying it was the right decision, but I tried my hardest. I second-guessed everything, but in the end, I loved him. I couldn’t do it. And maybe that makes me a bad mom, a doormat wife, but I couldn’t walk away from him when he needed me.”
“Yeah, well, guess that’s where we differ, Mom. I’m not so forgiving. He doesn’t deserve the peace you all think he does.”
“You’re right but, son, you deserve peace. Forgiveness isn’t about the person asking to be forgiven; it’s about allowing yourself permission to stop hurting. Walking around with this much hatred in your life isn’t going to go away when he dies, Jesse. What he did to you, to me, to our family, it will always be with us, but you need to separate the ugliness growing inside of you before it takes over. Don’t you want peace for yourself?”
“That man took my peace. Because of him, I am the way I am. I spent too many years searching for acceptance and love, that when I finally found it in a woman, I pushed her away because I’m scared of it. Do you know how fucked up that makes me? I have seen death. I have lived through pain, and rejection, Mom, yet love scares me.” My hands shake at my side as I fight my tears.
She’s silent for a moment, the distance between us growing when she doesn’t give me what I need.
“You need to find your own peace, Jesse.” She finally looks up, her lip trembles but she controls it. “Find it for yourself, sweet boy, before this ugliness grows in you too.”
“How, tell me how, and I will?” The plea gets stuck in my throat and comes out strangled. Ignoring my question, she moves from her chair to the desk in the corner and pulls out a white envelope.
“I wish I could give it to you, Jesse, but it’s you who needs to allow yourself to stop suffering and release the bur
den. Only then will you see how you did survive. And still are surviving.” My eyes move to the envelope as she offers it to me. “Your father asked me to give this to you when he passed. But I think you should have it now.” She places the envelope into my hand before pulling me into a hug, her arms coming around my middle and hold me tightly, just like she would when I was a kid.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the mom you deserved. I live with those memories every day,” she whispers then steps back. I don’t know what to say to her, because it’s what I needed to hear, apologizing for what she allowed and acknowledging things have never been right. Only it’s twenty years too late.
“Read it. I think it may help.” She wipes at her face. Nodding once, I put the envelope in my back pocket and turn to leave.
“He loved you, Jesse. He loved all of us. He just didn’t know what to do with our love.” She steps away and moves back to my father’s side.
I don’t say goodbye to my dad, or turn to look back.
I know I’m not going to see him again.
And maybe I’ll regret it later, knowing he was only a few steps from me and I didn’t reach out, but I couldn’t sit there and watch him die. I couldn’t get past my own anger and hurt to give the old man a peaceful goodbye.
* * *
Later that night, Jackson called me with the news. My dad had died. I didn’t go back to see him, or my mom.
I just got on my bike and rode until I could get my head straight. I didn’t read my father's note either. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Words on paper from a dying man wouldn’t change anything.
It was too late for that.
Thirty-Two
BELL
“Come on, Bell. For me?”
“I just don’t want to go out, okay?” I tell Lissy over the phone for the fifth time this week.
“Locking yourself in your room crying over him will not make you feel better. You need to get out. Some fresh air wouldn’t hurt.” Lissy has been on my case the last five days, ever since she found out what happened with Jesse and me. Now I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and not told anyone about the whole fiasco.