Loving Lies

by Linda Kage

  She shook her head. “No, I’m not okay. I was completely shut out by this guy earlier today who was trying to walk. And it broke my heart because I couldn’t do anything to help him while he was going through the worst turmoil of his life. I felt so worthless and helpless. I even cried a little. It reminded me of when my mom was dying. I just stood by her bed, unable to even ease her pain.”

  “Jesus.” He squeezed his eyes closed and buried his hand deep in her hair so he could shift their foreheads together. “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I know I was a dick. I just—”

  She set her hand over his mouth and adamantly shook her head. “It’s okay. You don’t have anything to apologize for. You were completely within your right to—”

  “No.” He grasped her hand to remove it from his mouth. “I was wrong. And I know it. I just couldn’t—” Gritting his teeth, he let out a harsh laugh. “I wanted to do it for you. I wanted to get right up and walk to show you I could, that I was capable and worthy and—”

  “Jonah, you didn’t have to show me anything. I don’t need—”

  “Well, I do need! I needed to do it for you. For my girlfriend. If I’m going to keep you, I needed to be strong and capable.”

  Guilt and pain clogged her throat. She wondered what he’d do if he knew she wasn’t really his girlfriend. How could she ever tell him now? How could she tell him they weren’t really as close as he seemed to think they were, as close as she wanted them to be?

  Squeezing her eyes shut, she rested her cheek against his heartbeat. He deserved the truth. But that wasn’t what she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him she was heartbroken for him because he hadn’t done what he’d hoped to do today. She wanted to encourage him and beg him not to give up just because he hadn’t succeeded his first try. There was so much she wanted to talk about with him, about what they’d both been through today.

  But instead, she said, “I’m scared.”

  He must’ve been expecting her to start up on the walking issue too because he pulled back slightly as if surprised by her admission. Then beautiful brown eyes filled with sympathy. He cupped her face with one hand.

  “What’re you scared of?”

  “Everything,” she admitted before gulping. “It feels like my entire life has…changed. I’ve been so coddled and sheltered from all the bad things in the world. My dad and brothers never let anything happen to me. Even my best friend goes out of her way to make sure I’m shielded. But this shooting has me shaken. Nothing—” she had to pause to take a breath “—I mean, nothing is as it used to be anymore. I feel like I’m right out there, exposed to everything, with no clue how to defend myself. I see danger everywhere I look, and I hate it. I hate this panicky, helpless feeling that every time I turn around, some big evil will—”

  “Shh.” Stroking her cheek, he leaned forward to gently set his mouth against hers. “I know. I know exactly how you feel. When I was growing up—”

  Before he continued, he cut himself off abruptly. She lifted her face, eager to hear about his own experience with fear, but he shook his head, dismissing whatever he was going to say.

  “There’s a lot of bad shit in the world, Tess. But if you let it get to you, it’ll drag you under until you just can’t breathe through it, until it takes you down, too.”

  She searched his face, already feeling comforted and safe just being here in his arms, listening to him understand her phobia. “How do you stop it from getting to you?”

  He laughed softly. “I don’t know, exactly. You just keep on keeping on, I guess. Look for every ounce of happiness, laughter, silliness, and hope in the world, and you cherish those moments.”

  Gazing into his eyes, Tess fell. Hard. “I’m happy,” she whispered. “Right here, just like this. With you. I’ve never felt this kind of happiness before.”

  He swallowed. Then his gaze fell to her mouth before he swooped in to kiss her. She clutched his shoulder, and he turned his torso in toward hers so he could roll half on top of her. But he sucked in a curse and winced, breaking the kiss so he could fall back onto his side and writhe.

  “Oh, my God.” She clutched his good arm. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you. Let me get off the bed so you can—”

  “No!” His hand shot out and caught her hip so she couldn’t leave. “We’ve been over this. You know I’d rather you stay.”

  “But the nurse was right. I could make things worse.”

  He leaned into her with a teeth-gritted smile. “Then I’d die with a smile on my face. Besides, my girl came here to be cheered up. I take that shit seriously. Now…let me cheer you up.”

  Chapter Twelve

  IT HAD TAKEN JONAH FOREVER to fall sleep. He’d felt like crap from the moment he’d turned his back on Tess and she’d walked out of his room earlier today. He’d wanted to call her back, but what would he have said? Sorry for letting you down, for being a complete failure?

  But now that she was here, in his bed, at two o’clock in the morning, none of that mattered. She’d come back, despite everything, because he was the one she wanted to be with. So, he made it his new life mission to give her what she’d asked for: a smile.

  “Let’s see here,” he murmured against her throat and had to kiss the warm, soft, great-smelling skin a couple times. “How to cheer up Tess? Hmm. There’s got to be a happy button on you somewhere, I’d think.” Being as silly as he could, he picked up her hand and pressed on her bright red thumbnail as if punching a real button. After gauging her reaction, he made a face. “No. No, I don’t think that was it.”

  When she smiled, finally realizing he was playing, he arched an eyebrow. “Or was it?” He pressed on her thumbnail again. She shook her head and laughed, so he made a fascinated sound. “Interesting. It seems we’ve located one happy button, but I’m curious to know if the subject has more.”

  When he lightly squeezed the tip of her nose, she chuckled some more and ducked her head. “You’re being ridiculous.”

  He merely grinned. “Isn’t that the point? To be silly and make you smile?”

  With a sad twitch to the lips, her shoulders sagged. “I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

  “Yes, you should have. And I’m glad you did. There should be no other goal in the world than to make someone important to you smile.” He slid his hands down her sides until he reached the hem of her shirt, finding his way under the cloth, he smoothed his fingers back up, skin against skin across her abdomen.

  She drew in a taut breath, and he grinned, gently rubbing his thumb around her belly button. “Now what about here? Do you feel any happiness when I touch you here?”

  Tess nodded without saying a word. Her lashes fell closed, and it took everything he had not to kiss her perfect lips. Oh, the hell with it. He leaned in and set his mouth against hers. The kiss was slow and powerful, tugging all kinds of emotions out of him.

  For the first time in his life, he didn’t want to be anywhere else than where he was. He was home. Tess was his home.

  His fingers continued to forage a path under her shirt, exploring her warm, soft belly until he needed to feel more. He stroked upward, and she arched with him, her body encouraging him.

  “That’s definitely a happy button,” Tess admitted breathlessly when he cupped her bra.

  Jonah paused with his hand on the underside of her breast. Blinking down at her, he stared with clueless abandon. “Huh?”

  Her smile brightened her entire face. Drowning in her absolute beauty, he could only gape dumbfounded as she murmured, “And the amnesia strikes again.” She swept a lock of hair out of his face. “Have you already forgotten that you’re looking for happy buttons?”

  A pang of guilt hit him. Right. Happy buttons. Amnesia. For a minute, he’d forgotten all about that. About everything but Tess. Nothing else had mattered. But now that she’d pulled him back to reality, he skimmed his hand out of her shirt and patted her clothes back into shape.

  Her eyebrows wrinkled in confused
. “What’s wrong?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to go too far. Not here. And if I kept on with those particular happy buttons, I’m not sure I could stop.”

  She laughed. “Of course you could stop. We’re in a hospital, for God’s sake. Like we actually would’ve—” When she caught sight of his face, she must’ve seen exactly what he was thinking. She gulped. “Oh.”

  Yeah. Oh.

  Nothing would’ve stopped him if he’d gone too far. Not any of his wounds or pins or casts. Not their location or the fact they could’ve gotten caught at any moment. If Tess was willing, he would’ve continued with no concern for the future. And the future might be very concerning. For both of them.

  “I don’t want to go too far until—” He stopped talking with a regretful wince.

  Tess touched his shoulder, her brow puckered with worry. “Until what?”

  God, she always looked so worried about him, always paid attention to everything he said, as if he really mattered to her.

  He looked down at his hands. “It’s just…I know you now. More than you know about me. And I want to wait until the amnesia thing is over, and you can get to know the real me before we…do anything.”

  She looked stunned before something flickered across her face. “But if…I already know the real you, Jonah. I’m your girlfriend, remember?”

  He just looked at her. After a slight nod, he said, “Yeah. I guess you’re right. In which case, I guess I want to get to know who the real me is before we do too much.”

  Tess nodded immediately. “That’s fine. I didn’t mean to pressure you. You don’t have to—”

  He touched her lips and grinned. “You’re definitely not pressuring me. In fact, any type of pressure you want to put on me would be entirely welcome. I just want…I want to do this right. I don’t think I could lose you, so we’re going to wait until…We’re just going to wait a little while, all right?”

  “All right.” Biting her lip, she gave a single nod. When her attention fell to his throat, she let out a long sigh. “I never did get to tell you what I was supposed to tell you today.”

  A ripple of apprehension stole through him. “Well, it’s already tomorrow, so that was actually yesterday you were supposed to tell me.” He gave a small, helpless shrug. “I guess you lost your chance.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Jonah.”

  “Besides, aren’t we supposed to be ridiculous and fun for the rest of the night? How the heck did we get so serious?”

  “I really should tell you—”

  He placed his fingers over her lips. “Tomorrow.”

  “You said that yesterday.”

  With a grin, he kissed her nose. “You the mean the day before yesterday?”

  “Oh my God. You’re seriously trying to confuse me, aren’t you?”

  He chuckled and kissed her again. When she went with it and kissed him back, he deepened it just a little more, until they were right back where they’d been before, his hand up her shirt and her back arched in sublime offering.

  “Damn, I really need to stop getting us worked back up to this point.” He kissed his way down her throat, and she mewled out a sound that drove him crazy. “Maybe it’s because I really, really like this point.”

  “I do too,” she panted back.

  “Do you want to touch me, too?” he blurted before he could think through what he was going to say. Then he internally cursed himself. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have asked that.” He really didn’t want to go that far, and besides, only a jackass asked a girl to pleasure him. Right? “Just wipe that question from your—”

  “Here?” Tess asked, gingerly placing her fingers on his warm abdomen and making the skin jump from the unexpected contact.

  Umm…not quite. But he was glad she misunderstood and didn’t touch him a few inches lower. Besides, it wasn’t like her soft touch didn’t feel like heaven right where it was.

  He sighed out his pleasure. “Yeah. Right there.”

  Her gaze followed the path of her hand as she barely grazed her fingernails over every dip and groove on his stomach. “You are so…beautiful.”

  He wanted to wince, or maybe crack a joke to gainsay her. Guys weren’t beautiful. But the awe in her voice and the captivated gleam in her blue eyes made him feel beautiful. Like a beautiful person.

  Leaning in to press his forehead to hers, he closed his eyes and soaked in the beauty of the moment.

  “The first time I saw you,” she whispered, “my stomach dropped into my knees and did a thousand somersaults, I swear.”

  Choked by her confession, Jonah cupped the back of her head and kissed her hair. This had to be the sweetest moment he’d shared with anyone. He wanted to capture it and somehow keep it forever. Grazing his cheek down alongside hers, he drew in a breath, breathing her in.

  “When did you realize I was boyfriend material?” he asked.

  She dipped her face to kiss his throat. He made a sound of satisfaction deep in his throat.

  “Probably the moment I first looked into your eyes. You have very expressive eyes.”

  “Do I?” He closed them so she couldn’t see how profoundly that affected him.

  “Mmm. Yes. I could see how much you needed to be loved and accepted.”

  Since that was the utter truth, it hit a little too close to home. Pulling her close, he kissed the corner of her mouth and kept his eyes closed. “That sounds pretty altruistic of you. Didn’t you get anything out of it?”

  He opened his lashes just in time to watch her smile. “Yes. I got to feel needed. And helpful. Being the only girl in my family, I was always so pampered and put on this stupid pedestal. Everyone treated me as if I was too fragile to touch. After my mom died, it was even worse. But with you…” Her fingers skated up his ribcage and over his heart. “I feel…I don’t know. Like I have a purpose. Like I’m needed, just me, and no one else. It feels powerful.”

  “You are useful, Tess. And I do need you. Only you. You are so special; I don’t even know how to tell you. Just this week alone, you have helped bring me back from this dark place I thought I could never return from. You’re the kind of person who makes the world a better place.”

  She blinked some mist from her eyes, and he touched her cheek to make sure it stayed dry.

  “Wow,” she choked out. “I wasn’t fishing for compliments, but…thank you. Really. Thank you.”

  “I wasn’t trying to compliment you. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” He glanced away, fearing the future, fearing what would happen between them. And she must’ve read his expressive eyes because she hugged him.

  “Jonah? What’s wrong?”

  He lowered his face and rested his forehead on her shoulder. “Everything,” he whispered. “The future. Losing you. Everything.”

  Had he mentioned everything?

  “You are not going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to leave.”

  He lifted his face and took in the intensity in her expression. “But what if you learn I’m not worth staying for?”

  Taking his face in her hands, she smiled. “Except I already know you are, so it’s a moot point. Remember, you’re the one who’s forgotten who you are. I haven’t. And I’m telling you, you’re definitely worth loving.”

  Loving? His insides seized. Had she just admitted that she loved him? Or was she saying the potential was there? Did she expect him to say it back? Did he want to say it back?

  “So are you,” he said instead, because it was true.

  She smiled, her face lighting up. He knew he’d said the right thing, and he kissed her lightly. With her soft, warm hands running over his torso, he groaned out a sound and had to fist his hands not to do the same to her.

  But then she had to go and pull back from his lips to ask, “Do you have any happy buttons?” which sent all kinds of fireworks through certain parts of his anatomy.

  He arched his brow, and she rolled he
rs eyes. “Don’t be perverted; you know what I meant.”

  Jonah grinned and kissed her jaw. “Hey, you started it.”

  “No. I believe you started the whole happy button thing.”

  “Oh, yeah. Damn, I’m brilliant.”

  She gave a low laugh as her fingers trailed down his chest, lower than they’d been before. But still not quite low enough. He sucked in a breath as she stopped just above his waistband.

  “What about here?” she asked. “I’ve found one or two bumps that might be considered buttons.”

  “Six,” he growled, tickling her until she yelped. “There’re six bumps there, woman. Don’t go downsizing my six-pack.”

  “Six?” she lifted her eyebrows as if she didn’t believe him. “Are you sure?”

  “Well, let’s check your counting skills.” Taking her hand, he made her smooth her fingers over every sculpted ab muscle he had, counting aloud as she passed over each one.

  “Wow,” she murmured, tracing them again. “I can’t even imagine how much football training you had to do to get all these. And how healthily you had to eat.” Abandoning his stomach, her curious hand found his arm and began to investigate the rock hard muscles there.

  “Whatever. Sneak me in a Snickers bar, and I’ll show you just how healthily I don’t eat.”

  Tess grinned. “Craving chocolate, are we?”

  He actually whimpered. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

  “Gee, I don’t know.” She let out a low whistle. “Chocolate contraband is a much heftier fine than burritos or hamburgers. You might have to owe me big time for a Snickers.”

  He loved the teasing glint in her eyes. “I’ll do anything,” he swore, placing his hand solemnly against his heart. “For chocolate, I’ll be your slave for life.”

  “Hmm.” Tapping her red-painted nails against her chin, she studied him for a moment, silently deliberating before she nodded. “Okay, then. I’ll take it. I hereby command you to kiss me. Like you mean it.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he murmured and went in with purpose. Jonah could never kiss her enough. Their mouths seemed like they had been made to fit together. So, he kissed her, on and on. And he touched her with reverence, keeping it as clean as possible, even though in his mind, their actions kept getting dirtier and dirtier. She reciprocated, learning each and every inch of his bared chest as she kissed him back.