Holding On: Ruthless Sinners MC

by Wilder, L.

  “It’s not something I talk about, Remington.”

  “Well, you’re going to have to try”—my eyes never left his—“or this thing between us is not going to work.”

  He thought about what I’d said, then motioned his hand towards the porch. “Let’s go sit.”

  I could tell from his tone that he wasn’t looking forward to this conversation, but I was relieved that I’d finally convinced him to open up to me. I followed Noah up to the porch and sat down on the swing. As I sat there next to him, I could feel the tension radiating from his body. Hoping to settle his restless soul, I placed my hand on his thigh and said, “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I’m not sure how long we both sat there in silence. It seemed like a lifetime, but eventually, Noah let out a deep breath and finally said, “I told you about my folks dying when I was kid, but I didn’t go into all the shit that went with that.”

  His eyes dropped to the ground as he cleared his throat. “I hold a lot of guilt over what happened. I know I was only a kid and couldn’t have changed anything, but it didn’t stop me from thinking that if I’d been there, I might’ve been able to prevent them being pulled through that culvert. I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. Hell, I was obsessed with it, and all those fucked up feelings changed me. I acted out and did stupid shit. Didn’t have Ada around to straighten my ass out. I was too busy bouncing around from one foster home to the next to really think about what I was doing. I was about to land myself in a boys’ home when I met the Lannisters.”

  His expression remained blank, his voice calm and steady, but I knew he was hurting. I could feel it. I wanted to reach out and hold him. I wanted to show him that I was there for him, but I didn’t move. I was too afraid that he might start putting his walls up again. We sat there in silence for several minutes before he finally said, “They became my new foster parents. They were good people. Really good people. They were patient with me and loved me when no one else would, but because of that, they lost their daughter and I lost my first love.”

  “How did you lose her?”

  “She was going bowling with some friends and asked me to come with them. I wanted to, but I had to work. They ended up going without me and got hit by a drunk driver.”

  “Oh, Noah, I’m so sorry.”

  “She should’ve never died. It was my fault.”

  “How can you say that? It wasn’t your fault.”

  “You’re wrong. If I’d been driving, then they wouldn’t have been hit by that fucking drunk driver. The car wouldn’t have been ripped to shreds when it went flying down that embankment.” His voice was riddled with anguish as he continued, “Lindsey wouldn’t have been thrown from the car. She wouldn’t have broken her neck, severed her spine, or suffered inoperable brain trauma. I would’ve been careful, made sure nothing happened to her or her friends, but I went to work instead. Figured I’d make it up to her, but I never got that chance.”

  “Noah, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. It wasn’t your fault. There’s no way you could’ve known what was going to happen.”

  “Maybe not, but I should’ve been there to look out for her.” I thought back to the conversation I’d had with Ada over Noah. She’d mentioned that he’d suffered a great loss, but I had no idea how much he’d really been through. I thought his anguish ended there, but then he said, “I joined the military to try and escape the misery but only ended up finding more.”

  While he’d only told me a little about his time in the service, I knew enough. My heart ached for him. The man had been through so much. I wouldn’t have blamed him for shutting down completely, so I was surprised when he looked over to me and said, “I’ve lost people I cared about, people I loved, and it nearly broke me. I’ve spent years trying to piece myself back together, and I’m still a fucking mess. But I am who I am. Not promising I’ll ever be able to change, but for the first time in a very fucking long time, I want to try.” His blue eyes pierced through me as he continued, “I want to try for you, Remington. I want to be the man you need me to be.”

  Overcome with emotion, I reached for Noah, wound my arms around his neck and pulled him close, hugging him tightly. “I didn’t think it was possible that anything good could come from all of this, but I was wrong. I found you.”

  He didn’t respond. Instead, he just sat there and held me against his chest. There were so many things about this man that got to me, but the feeling I had when I was in his arms surpassed them all. After several long moments, he released me from our embrace, then looked down at me and said, “You know, you still haven’t answered my question.”

  “No, I guess I haven’t.” I reached down and took his hand in mine. “I can’t really explain why, Noah, but I’ve always trusted you. From that first night when you came up to me at the strip club, I just knew, and even now, after finding that guy locked up in the office, nothing has changed.”

  “Good.”

  As soon as the words left his mouth, he reached over and lifted me into his arms. He carried me inside the house, and we spent the next few hours making love. When we were both completely spent, I curled up in the crook of his arm and rested my head on his chest. It was at that moment I realized I was falling in love with him. Truly. Madly. Deeply. I guess there was some truth to the old saying, Love isn’t something we go out and search for. Instead, love finds us, and when it does, it can be the best thing that will ever happen to us. It certainly was true for me.

  Feeling more content than I had in my entire life, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. I wasn’t sure how long we’d been napping when Noah’s phone started to ring. He quickly jumped out of bed and grabbed it out of his jeans pocket. After what seemed like a two-second conversation, he hung up, then looked over to me and announced, “You need to go pack your stuff.”

  “What? Why?”

  “We’re going back to the clubhouse.”

  As I watched him start to dress, I asked, “And why are we doing that?”

  “Remington, go pack your bags.”

  I wanted to push him for a reason, but I could tell by his tone it wasn’t the time. I let out an exasperated sigh as I tossed back the covers and grumbled, “Fine. I’ll go pack.”

  I wrapped the sheet around me, and as I started out of his room, he reached over and popped me on the behind with a smile. “That’s my girl.”

  “You’re gonna pay for that, mister.”

  “I’ll look forward to it.”

  While I had no idea why we were going back to the clubhouse, I was actually looking forward to it—not only for a change of scenery, but to see some of the brothers again. I liked Doc. He’d been so good to me, and I’d enjoyed the short time I’d spent with Rafe and Country. They were Noah’s brothers, and I wanted a chance to get to know them better. Viper, on the other hand, worried me a little. When I was in the infirmary, he’d made it clear that he wasn’t happy about my being at his clubhouse, but I hoped those feelings had changed.

  After I finished gathering my things, I cleaned up a bit, made both beds, and finished putting the dishes away in the kitchen. By the time I was done with everything, Noah was already packed and waiting for me on the front porch. He was leaning against the railing with his duffle bag at his feet, and I could tell by his expression that he was about to drop a bomb on me. Dread washed over me as I asked, “What?”

  “You’re not gonna like it.”

  “Just tell me.”

  “Alfonzo has to come back to the clubhouse with us.”

  “Who’s Alfonzo?”

  He motioned his head towards the office. “The guy you freaked out over.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “Got no other choice.” He stood up and walked over to me. “I can’t leave him here.”

  “And what if he tries to hurt me again?”

  “He won’t.”

  “But how can you be sure?”

  “You said you trusted me.”

  �
��That’s not fair,” I argued. “You’re using my words against me!”

  “Well, it’s true.” He slipped his arm around my waist. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you again, Remington. You’ve got my word on that.”

  “Okay, fine.” I sighed. “I won’t fuss about him coming with us, but I’m not going to talk to him or even look at him.”

  “Understood.”

  After he grabbed our bags, I followed him down the steps. When reached the SUV, I was surprised to find that Alfonzo was already secured in the back seat. I quickly turned to Noah, looking for some sort of explanation, but all I got was a shrug. Grumbling under my breath, I opened the door and hopped in the passenger seat. I’d never felt so uncomfortable. One of the men who’d hit me, kicked me, and eventually, stabbed me and threw me in a dumpster was sitting right behind me. Sensing my unease, Noah placed his hand on my thigh and lightly squeezed it. I gave him a slight smile, letting him know I was okay, and then we were on our way.

  I kept my eyes trained on the road ahead and tried not to think about the man sitting behind me, but it didn’t matter. I knew he was there. I could feel the heat of his stare on the back of my neck. It made me wonder if, like me, he was thinking about the night of the attack. One by one the memories flooded my mind, especially the moment when Detective Mathews appeared in the middle of the mayhem. There was something about him, the way he spoke and the orders he gave, that made me think that he had a big part to play in what had happened—and not just with me. He seemed to be a leader of sorts, and he might be our answer to putting an end to all of this craziness. Having our guest sitting right behind me made it a bad time to bring it up, but that didn’t stop me from leaning over to Noah and asking, “What are we going to do about Detective Mathews?”

  “There’s no we in this, Remington.”

  “I don’t see why not,” I argued. “He’s clearly not a good guy, and I’m the one he—”

  “Not the time or the place, Remington.”

  “Okay, fine, but I do think it’s something that needs to be addressed. And not only that—” Over the past few days, I’d thought a lot about my folks and how worried they had to be. I’d tried to convince Noah several times to let me reach out to them, but he’d always refused. Now I wondered what would happen when all this was finally over. “You do realize that there’ve been people out there looking for me. The police. My family. People I work with. My friends. When this is all over, how am I supposed to explain where I’ve been all this time?”

  “Hadn’t really thought about it.”

  “Don’t you think it’s something we should figure out? The police will want to know. So will my parents. I’ve gotta be able to tell them something.”

  “We’ll figure it out, but for now, we just gotta get through the next couple of days.”

  “I don’t guess I can ask you what you mean by that?”

  “No, babe. You can’t.”

  “Didn’t think so.”

  We continued driving, and it wasn’t long before I heard the man in the back ask, “Hey, can I say something to her?”

  “No,” Noah growled.

  “It’s important to me. I need to say it.”

  Before Noah could respond, I looked over to him. “It’s okay. Let him say what he’s got to say.”

  “Fine.” Noah looked in the rearview mirror, and as he glared at Alfonzo, he ordered, “Keep it short.”

  “Just wanted to say I was sorry ’bout what happened to you. It wasn’t right. I didn’t want to be a part of it, but I didn’t have no choice.” Maybe I was being foolish, but there was something in his voice that made me think he was actually telling me the truth. It wasn’t something I wanted to believe. It was easier to think he was a monster and that he’d enjoyed hurting me. I could almost feel that knife jabbing into my chest when he said, “Tried to be careful when I stabbed you. Wanted to make sure I didn’t kill you.”

  When Noah noticed me wince, he glared back and Alfonzo. “That’s enough.”

  “I’m sorry, man. I just had to tell her I was sorry.”

  “Well, now you’ve said it. Don’t say any more.”

  I never took my eyes off the road. Watching the buildings slip past my window was the only thing keeping me from having a complete breakdown. It wasn’t his confession that had upset me. I honestly believed what he’d said. I just wasn’t sure I had it in me to just forgive and forget. But the longer I sat there thinking about it, I realized I was only hurting myself by not doing so. When we arrived at the clubhouse, I didn’t move. I just sat there waiting as Noah got out and walked around to Alfonzo’s door and opened it. I had no idea what Noah’s plans were for this man, so I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again. With that in mind, I glanced over my shoulder, looking him right in the eye and said, “Thank you for telling me, and thank you for not killing me when you could have.”

  Alfonzo nodded, then got out of the SUV and followed Noah around the back of the building. I had no idea where they were going, and the way things went with this club and their bothers, it was doubtful I’d ever find out.

  Shotgun

  I was in bed with Remington when I got the call we were meeting for church. Knowing it wasn’t something I could miss, I loaded up Remington, along with Alfonzo, and we headed back to the clubhouse. As soon as we’d arrived, I brought Alfonzo back to one of the holding rooms. He wasn’t happy about being there, and to be honest, I wasn’t exactly pleased about it myself. Alfonzo had been a great help with putting our plan of action for the Punishers into place, and I’d have to decide what measures I would take to compensate him for it.

  After I’d gotten him settled, I made sure Remington was settled in my room, then went to meet the others for church. Menace had spent hours doing what he could to help us prepare, and his efforts hadn’t gone in vain. With the blueprints and layout of the surrounding area of the abandoned Tyson building, we were able to forge a plan that would end the Punishers once and for all. As soon as we had everything laid out, I got with Widow, told him he would be in charge of watching over Remington while we were gone, and as expected, he was happy to oblige.

  The next twenty-four hours were a bit of blur. My mind was entirely focused on what lay ahead, and I barely remembered anything except my night with Remington. Just having her sleeping in my bed next to me helped put my mind at ease, and I was able to get some much-needed sleep. The next day was spent prepping for our attack, and with each hour that passed, I was feeling more and more eager to get this thing done.

  We’d just finished loading the SUVs with artillery when Country announced, “Went downtown last night and met me a fine-ass woman. Hell, she was hotter than south Georgia in mid-July, and get this. She told me she wanted nine inches and for it to fucking hurt.”

  “Then, what’d you do?” Rafe asked with a snicker. “Fuck her twice and punch her?”

  “What the fuck you trying to say, brother?”

  “You and nine inches? Fucking doubtful.” Rafe shook his head and scoffed. “Certainly ain’t got enough to hurt her.”

  “Fuck you, man.” He grabbed his crotch as he replied, “I gave her the ride of her fucking life.”

  “Yeah, I bet you did,” Rafe deadpanned.

  “Who are you to give me shit? You went and screwed around with Delilah’s buddy Krissy. Had that girl all tore up. Hmmm...That shit wasn’t right,” Country taunted. “You’re out there breaking girls’ hearts while I’m breaking their boxes. So shut it.”

  Irritated with their childish exchange, I looked over to them and asked, “Do you motherfuckers have an off button?”

  “Come on, ’Gun,” Country mocked. “You’re too serious. You need to lighten up a bit.”

  “I tell you what. I’ll lighten you up. How ‘bout that?”

  “Nah, I’m good,” Country replied as he took a step back, fearing I might follow through with my threat. “Why don’t I go grab that other bag?”

  “Yeah, why don’t you do that? That sounds like a
good idea.”

  He skirted off to collect the last duffle bag of weapons. I thought that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. Rafe and his smartass strolled over and gave me a brotherly slap on the back as he said, “I was thinking about something.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

  “You got a thing for shotguns, and your road name is Shotgun. Now you got a woman whose name is Remington.” A mischievous smirk crossed his face as he said, “That’s pretty fucking cool if you ask me.”

  “Well, I didn’t ask ya, so get your ass in the truck, and let’s get ready to roll out.”

  Rafe’s smile never left his face as he nodded, then turned to get in the SUV with Axel, Copper, and Hawk. Viper was already waiting in his SUV with Country, Menace, and Lynch while Ransom and Cletus were waiting for me in mine. Knowing they were eager to get moving, I sent Widow a message, letting him know we were heading out. As soon as he replied, I got in my truck and started the engine. With my brothers following close behind, I sped through the gate. Hell, it seemed I couldn’t get there fast enough. I was ready to get this shit done so we could put an end to this whole thing and move on with our lives.

  Menace had already searched the blueprints of the building and the entire surrounding area. Following his suggestion, we parked behind another abandoned building next door to the Tyson plant where the Punishers were set to have their meet. By the time we got out of our SUVs, it was well after dark, and a light misting rain was starting to settle over the parking lot. I looked across the alley at the abandoned Tyson building and was pleased to see that several of the Punishers’ cars were parked around back. We each got out and gathered around, listening intently as Viper ordered, “We do this just like we discussed. Shotgun will be the first one in with Hawk and me following behind him. Rafe and Country will cover us. Menace will use the security feed to keep an eye on all the entrances and exits, and Axel and Ransom will be there to secure the perimeter in case someone tries to slip through.”

  We’d already gone through every detail of the plan during church, but Viper wanted to make sure no stone had been left unturned. I couldn’t blame him. Wars like these were messy and chaotic. They never went as planned, which made them almost impossible to prepare for. I didn’t mind. I liked the thrill of the hunt, and after what these motherfuckers had done, I was feeling like a predator ready to seek out its prey. I could feel the adrenaline coursing through me as I listened to Viper continue, “Lynch and Country will go around back with Cletus and Copper. You’ll head in the back so we’ll have them covered on all bases.”