‘That’s one word for it.’ I could think of a few more – unfair, scary, grim.
‘When did you have the dream?’ He turned back a page to see the date I’d scribbled on the top of my sketch of him. ‘The fourteenth?’ He pointed to the date.
‘Yeah, looks like.’
‘So you dreamed of it two days after it happened? Is that what normally happens?’
I laughed, a dry humourless chuckle. ‘I don’t think there are any rules to how and why I see what I do.’
He continued to flip through my extensive and personal collection of death, pausing every so often to read a line or take a closer look at a sketch. My heart raced at what he must be thinking.
Tyler peered up at me. ‘This is…these drawings are incredible. Are these all people from your dreams?’
‘Mm-hm.’ The thin rustle of the turning pages as he absorbed dream after dream felt like a cheese grater peeling away at my skin. I rubbed my hands over my arms.
‘You don’t know any of them?’
‘No, they’re all people I’ve never seen before,’ I answered. ‘Well, I’ve seen them in my dreams, but that’s it. Sometimes more than once, but mostly it’s different people each time.’
‘They’re so realistic, how do you do it?’ He curled a corner under his thumb and forefinger.
‘I don’t know. I seem to recall faces easily and I can draw, I guess that’s the key.’ I shrugged.
‘Yeah, I can see that.’
My fingers fidgeted in my lap. No one had ever peered so deeply into my soul before, and this book was the very heart of it.
‘Hey.’ Tyler rested his hand on mine, calming me with the understanding in his eyes. ‘You okay? Do you want me to stop?’
‘No, no I don’t. I’ve actually never wanted to show this to anybody more in my life. I’ve always kept it so well hidden. What is it about you that makes me wanna fess up?’
‘I’m not sure, but you’ve got the same effect on me.’ He held my gaze for a few more tense moments, then removed his hand from mine and returned to the book.
‘Want to tell me about this lady, this dream?’ He held up a page from last week – Dreadlock Lady. ‘She looks interesting.’
‘She was the mother in the train crossing accident,’ I said, the gravity of the recent loss lodging in my throat.
‘Where were you in this dream?’
‘Watching from outside the car. Useless.’ My nerves made me speak faster than normal. ‘It's so damn frustrating. I know I’m dreaming, I usually know what’s about to happen, because I’ve seen it on the news or something, but I’m powerless to do anything about it. All these people are dying, and I’m just standing there watching.’
‘I guess it’s a good thing you don’t dream them again and again like me then,’ Tyler said, lightening the mood.
‘Actually, I do dream about them again, but it’s usually a bit different. It’s like I go away and come up with an alternate ending.’
‘What was hers?’
‘She slowed down. Tied her little boy’s shoelaces. They made it to the tracks thirty seconds later and the man in the Ute died instead.’
Tyler’s brow furrowed, shadowing his dark eyes. ‘So you don’t always dream of a happy ending then.’
‘Sometimes there isn’t one. Some things just are. And sometimes there’s no alternative at all.’
‘When your time’s up, your time’s up.’
‘Exactly. Suicides are sometimes like that. Thankfully most suicides don’t make the news so I don’t see many, but there was one at our school a couple years ago. A boy in our year. His name was Daniel, Daniel Bonheur.’
‘That’s unfortunate.’
‘I know, it was so cruel, but that wasn’t the worst of it. His family were beyond poor. He carried his books around in a plastic shopping bag and his clothes had holes in them. It only gave the bullies more ammunition. Each day I’d hear “Hey Bonheur, you happy to see me?!” And “Daniel, you’ve got a Bonheur!” Or “Bonheur’s here, watch your back”. You name the insult, we’d all heard it.’
‘Did you do anything about it?’
‘What do you do? Change his last name? No one was going to stop even if I said something. Jason and Zach were the worst; the dickheads in our Geography class. Unfortunately, they’re really popular, and most people don’t stand up to them, but I wish every day I’d tried a bit harder. The best I could do was be nice to Daniel when I could, offer a smile, say hi to him, the things no one else seemed to do. Now, I feel sick whenever I see those guys, knowing what they played a part in.’
‘So what happened?’
‘He killed himself. Grade nine, age fourteen. Overdose. I dreamed of him afterward. I don’t know his family, but when I dreamed of him I got the feeling he received more insults at home than he did at school. It’s strange how the weak ones always attract it. His mum was cruel and his dad was even weaker than Daniel. The house was filthy, but Daniel stood there and washed the dishes before going to bed, as if that’d make a difference. His parents didn’t notice until the following morning. He’d been in his room having a seizure, foaming at the mouth and no one knew.’ My eyes moistened at the memory. ‘I watched him die over and over for a week until I reached the conclusion that there was simply no other ending for him. It makes me sick even thinking about it. That having a short crappy life was it for him.’
‘Yeah, that’s rough. It’s a wonder you can function each day, seeing those things every night.’
‘I know, and it’s not like I can use it as an excuse for handing in my assignments late either. “Sorry had a bad dream”,’ I huffed. ‘That’s why last night was so good. I never dream the good stuff.’
‘You do now,’ he said, twitching his thick eyebrows up and down.
I laughed at his devious expression. ‘You actually think it’s possible to do it again?’
‘I don’t know, but it’s happened twice already, why not again? So where should we meet tonight?’ Tyler said, so sure of himself. He rested back on his palms and swung his legs, kicking water into the air.
‘I don’t think it works like that.’
‘Why not? School was an obvious choice for our minds to take us. But what if we consciously chose somewhere? Somewhere we both know and agree on.’
‘All right, what about right here?’ I asked, pointing out at the lake.
‘Here.’ Tyler’s eyes lit up, full of the same eagerness swirling within my stomach.
— 15 —
The fog had lifted, my view no longer tainted by the grey cloud of mourning that surrounded me. To finally see a horizon of happiness when, for so long, it had been murky with gloom, was like a breath of fresh air for lungs that only knew ash.
My dreams were like a vice, unyielding, crushing around my skull. Sharing them with Tyler released some of the tightness, some of the pain. Trusting him with my dreams had been the best decision I’d made in a long time, but I guess that’s the thing with trust – it creeps up on you like the spring appears after winter. One day you see buds on the trees and before you know it the branches are in full bloom again, providing a shelter you didn’t know you needed.
The sun hovered low over the lake, signalling the end of another day, and Richie’s birthday celebrations began like they did most years, with Marie flitting about in the kitchen, preparing for the big birthday feast. The aroma from the pork crackle in the oven made my taste buds moisten in anticipation. It was Richie’s favourite – we had it every year.
When Jake arrived, we gorged ourselves on dinner and an amazing melt-in-the-mouth chocolate mousse cake. An hour later, having eaten way too much, we pushed our chairs back, nauseated by the food and dirty plates still piled on the table and shuffled into the lounge room.
Everyone dispersed onto the couch and mattresses on the floor. I slouched into a bean bag underneath the TV, my bare feet stretched out in front of me. Billy Bob sat curled in my lap, tail gently wagging as I stroked his back. Music played in
the background, something we didn’t pick, something classical.
Tyler lowered himself onto the mattress beside me and leaned his back against the TV cabinet. So much for being relaxed. A trembling undercurrent vibrated under my skin. Like a metal detector, my body reacted to his close proximity.
He moved closer, his mouth inches from my ear. ‘This night is taking forever,’ he whispered.
I pressed my lips together, suppressing a smile as I rubbed behind Billy Bob’s ears.
Cal jumped over the back of the couch and held up a beer. ‘We’re havin’ Richie’s first legal beer for him.’ He lifted the bottle to his lips and threw his head back. He hissed, like you do when you’re not used to drinking alcohol, and a barrage of laughs rang out. Wiping the back of his hand over his mouth, he passed the bottle to Sean.
The bottle landed in my hand, and I took a swig, gagging and coughing heavily. Good lord, who willingly drank that stuff?
When we’d finished our ritual, the effects of our few mouthfuls and a day in the sun mellowed our rowdiness. Sean lay in the corner of the couch, hand behind his head, his other scrolling over his phone.
‘What’s happening, Sean?’ His brow creased and I stretched my arm out, pointing toward the double doors that led toward home. ‘Out there.’
He looked back at his phone. ‘The usual. Cats, sunsets, oh, and there’s a pretty big party on at Jason James’ place tonight – “hashtag JJsParty” is clogging my feed. I think half the school’s heading there.’
‘Not us.’ I smiled, resting my head on the beanbag. I couldn’t think of much worse places to spend a Saturday night than with a bunch of oblivious drunk sixteen-year-olds. I also despised Jason, so no thanks.
‘Nah, this is the place to be, I reckon.’ Sean sent a small grin over to me, knowing I felt exactly the same.
‘Not very often the sixteen-year-olds get invited to an eighteenth,’ Cal piped up.
‘True, right. And Jason might throw the big parties, but this is where it’s at, bro. Skiing all day, being waited on by your mum, and of course, all you lot, smelly feet and all.’ Sean spread his arms out taking us all in, and I lifted my bare feet and wiggled them in the air.
‘Were you a party boy back in Sydney?’ Cal asked Tyler.
‘Nah, not really. I’d rather be in bed dreaming than go to the sorts of parties the lads at my school went to.’
I spluttered out a cough, my eyes watering. Tyler patted me on the back. ‘You good?’
With a hand on my chest, I darted my eyes sideways. ‘Just the beer.’
His mouth remained serious but the laughter in his eyes was unmistakable. ‘You sure…’ He leaned closer and lowered his voice. ‘Ma petite rêveuse?’
It had been a massive day, physically and emotionally, in more ways than one. I expected to fall straight to sleep once my eyes closed, but I buzzed with more enthusiasm than an eight-year-old on Christmas Eve and couldn’t for the life of me sleep.
I’d never planned a dream. Often I could expect to dream of something in particular, because I’d see it on the news, but I’d never collaborated with my mind before it had happened. I never thought it possible, still didn’t, but this idea of Tyler’s stirred my pulse into giddy excitement.
I tossed from side to side in the hopes of finding that all elusive position, the key to the other world. It never came and, after what felt like fifty years, when I was sure everyone had long fallen asleep, I gave up. I rose, wrapped the quilt around my shoulders, and headed outside with it trailing on the floor behind me like a queen. Tyler groaned as I stepped over him, nudging him with my foot to wake him. I slid the door open and moved into the cold black of night. I climbed onto one of the sun lounges I’d used earlier when the air had been much warmer, and we could see to the other side of the lake. Now, in the wee hours of the morning it was hard to imagine, if not for the soft sound of lapping water, a lake there at all.
‘You know we wouldn’t need the blankets if we were dreaming.’ Tyler shuffled outside behind me, his sleeping bag draped around him. He pushed a lounge against mine and sat beside me.
‘That’s not entirely true. I usually feel all the elements in my dreams. Anyway, in order for one to dream, one must first sleep.’ I offered him a tired smile.
‘I would’ve waited for you.’
‘I know, but I couldn’t stand lying there any longer, and I didn’t want to miss any fun you might’ve had without me.’
‘It’s only fun if you’re there.’ He shifted closer to me so the length of our blanketed bodies touched. ‘I’m glad you woke me though. Dreaming’s fun, but being with you for real is even better, even if we are freezing our arses off.’
I wasn’t anymore. With his body so close to mine, warmth radiated through me like a furnace. Still, we pulled our blankets tight against our chins, and I bent my head to rest on his shoulder. He lowered his onto mine, and we lay silently, looking up into the twinkling canvas above.
‘My dad loved to star-gaze. They weren’t so easy to see in the city, but whenever we went camping they were like this, perfectly clear.’ Tyler pointed to a single star in the sky. ‘See that one there.’
I lined up my head with his arm. ‘Yeah?’
‘Me too.’ He laughed.
I pulled back. ‘What? Wait, that’s it? Nothing profound? No words of wisdom to share?’
‘No, sorry, something my dad never passed onto me, the ability to recall so much useless information.’
‘It’s not useless.’
Tyler’s brows lifted. ‘Not unless I want to work for NASA.’
‘Not true. He didn’t work for NASA, yet it was obviously beneficial to him as a person otherwise you wouldn’t remember it. Can’t we just enjoy things for the simple pleasure of enjoying them? Not everything has to have a purpose.’
‘You can’t talk.’ He nudged me with his elbow. ‘When was the last time you just enjoyed your dreams without wanting to know what it all meant?’
I turned onto my side, bringing the blanket back up over my shoulder. ‘Never. But that’s because there is meaning behind them. If I could have sweet, meaningless dreams every night, like everyone else, I’d choose that any day.’
‘Maybe one day you will, but then you might wish for the excitement of what you’ve got now.’
I shook my head, determined. ‘Nope, not gonna happen, tried it.’
‘Really?’ Tyler shifted to face me, resting his head on his hand.
‘Yeah, few years back. Mum was desperate to make the dreams go away, so we went to the doctor, who decided I had stress-induced nightmares, and prescribed some old person’s drug. Horrible tablets.’ I remembered my hesitation. I wasn’t convinced taking something artificial to stop something as natural as a dream was the right move, but being young and easily influenced, I downed my first pill. That was three years ago.
‘What happened?’
‘To begin with, nothing. They took the dreams away.’ I could still recall those nights. So deep and dark and empty. ‘But then my days changed too. I began getting headaches, blurry vision, and was dizzy all the time.’ Understatement of the year. The looks I got as I wavered, unsteady, when the stairs disappeared below my feet and rooms tilted, were testament to that.
‘So you went off them?’ Tyler asked.
‘Yeah. I didn’t miss my dreams, or the excitement of them, far from it. It was the longest break I’d had from my nightmares, but I began to doubt if it was worth the sacrifice.’ Could I give up a semi-normal life for the sake of a good night’s sleep?
‘Obviously you decided it wasn’t.’
‘Mmm. Though some days, I’m not so sure.’
‘Like the day you met me?’
‘Yeah, the day I met you.’ We laughed at the joke, but the truth was I had doubted my choice the day he showed up.
‘I can’t even imagine not meeting you, you know,’ he said seriously, breaking me from my thoughts of that fated day.
‘We still would’ve met though, j
ust not in our dream first.’
‘True, and then you mightn’t have been so resistant to me sharing the library table.’
‘Dunno.’ I grinned in the darkness. ‘I’m pretty territorial.’
Tyler’s shoulders shook, then stilled. ‘You know I feel really guilty for thinking it, but I’m so glad we moved here.’
‘Why do you feel guilty?’ I squeezed my eyes closed. Me and my big mouth. ‘’Cause of your dad.’
‘The only reason we moved here is because he died.’
‘But you know there’s nothing you could’ve done about it, nothing that could’ve prevented it, so there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy where you find yourself now. Grief is bad enough without adding guilt to the mix.’
‘Actually I think guilt and grief go hand in hand, but you’re right. And I am enjoying where I’ve found myself right now,’ he said, gazing down the length of us and back up with the smirk I’d come to love. The awareness reignited my furnace. Could he feel the heat too?
‘Damn this chair’s uncomfortable.’ Tyler shuffled on his lounge.
I leaned on my elbow. ‘Are you lying on the frame?’
Tyler laughed. ‘We needed to keep warm.’ We still did. The chill in the air had dropped to near freezing.
Laughing, I edged back. Tyler heaved himself onto my lounge and threw his sleeping bag over us – the combined blankets and sparks between us multiplying the warmth by ten. My heart beat annoyingly fast, but I’d never been calmer. Was fate such a thing? Right then I’d have placed my bet on yes. We lay with our fingers laced together, and Tyler’s other arm held me near. My head fitted into his shoulder, and his warm breath on my head acted like a sleeping balm. I finally allowed the pull of slumber to enfold around me and closed my eyes.
— 16 —
Thick blades of grass tickled between my toes. The house loomed in front of me, its walls of glass reaching to the sky. A sky which, only moments ago, had been black with night, now transformed into a vivid cobalt blue.
I turned toward the lake. Tyler stood on the jetty with a massive grin, the happiness stretching over his cheeks all the way to his eyes. I squealed, hopped a step, and ran down the hill.
Lucid Page 12
