Through the Shattered Looking Glass

by Crane, M. L.

  There was a moment of silence between Alice and Nurse Allen. Alice was waiting for Nurse Allen to respond, but she just sat there staring at Alice with a look of concern. Alice shifted in her seat, feeling uncomfortable with the awkward silence, so she continued.

  “Ever since I started working here, strange things have been happening to me. I’ve been having nightmares, and they seem to be getting worse. At first, the shadowy figure was just something I saw in my dreams. But now I see it while I’m awake. Also, I’ve been having migraines a lot lately, and I’ve never had headaches before.”

  Nurse Allen shook her head and replied, “I’m telling ya, it sounds just like stress to me. You’re letting your anxiety get the best of you.”

  Alice looked out the window and sighed. “It’s not just that. I think there’s something strange about Whitney like she’s psychic or something. I know how completely ridiculous that sounds, but I feel like she knows me somehow. And it’s not just her. It’s this whole place in general. Something just doesn’t feel right. And to be honest, I’m not so sure if I should trust Dr. Pelletier anymore.”

  Nurse Allen was staring down at her teacup and was running her finger around the rim, no longer looking at Alice.

  Alice eyed Nurse Allen, waiting for her to either say something or to at least look at her. She began to suspect that Nurse Allen knew something that she wasn’t telling her.

  “Oh, my God. I’m right, aren’t I? There is something going on here. What is it? Please, you need to tell me because I feel like I’m losing my mind!”

  “Alice, you’re just having stress-induced nightmares. I’m sure…”

  “NO!” Alice shouted, slamming her fist on the table making the teacups rattle, and startling Nurse Allen.

  Nurse Allen looked up at Alice. Her large amber eyes looked more tired than usual, and now they seemed burdened with undesirable secrets. Alice didn’t like the way she was looking at her. A sour lump of dread began to form in the pit of her stomach.

  “I’m sorry. Look, all I can say is this. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Please. I know you’re feeling scared, and none of this makes any sense to you right now, but I promise that everything will be okay.” Nurse Allen looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to them and leaned closer to Alice and whispered, “You’ll get your answers soon.”

  Alice’s heart skipped a beat. Dr. Pelletier had said the same thing to her after her meeting with Whitney.

  Alice could feel the heat slowly rising in cheeks as they began to burn with anger. “Oh? Really? And when will that be? When I finally fucking snap and get a room of my own in this shitty place?” Alice looked away from Nurse Allen, feeling ashamed for speaking to her like that.

  Nurse Allen stood and gathered her things and started to walk away. She stopped and looked back at Alice. “I have to go. I need to get to the nurse’s station. I’m already late as it is. When you’re done, you can go see Dr. Pelletier. He’s waiting for you in his office. Maybe I’ll see you later.” She turned and hurried off.

  Alice stood and shouted, “Wait!” but Nurse Allen didn’t look back.

  Alice slumped back down in her chair and went back to playing with her eggs. She stabbed angrily at the over-cooked scrambled bits of rubber on her plate. So she was right, there was something going on. What was Nurse Allen hiding from her? Was Dr. Pelletier the one behind all of this? Why wouldn’t anyone give her a straight answer? Alice was furious. And now, she had more questions than ever before.

  Alice began replaying the nightmare she’d had that night, thinking of the tiny silver-haired kitten. She shivered just thinking about it. What made it worse was that the kitten in her dream looked just like the kitten she’d had when she was younger.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Alice, age 14

  Alice filled the battered metal kettle with water, and set it on the only working burner on the stove. She went back to the kitchen sink and looked out the open window. She watched the kids as they milled around like a group of zombies in the playground. Well, if you could call it a playground.

  There was a swing set with only two swings; one of which was broken. The black rubber seat of the broken swing dangled uselessly by one of its rusted chains. There was a set of monkey bars that had so many missing rungs, that it was nearly impossible to get across them. There was also a seesaw that was too stiff to use, a metal slide that would burn your rear end if you didn’t put a towel under you, and a merry-go-round that didn’t go-round. It was the most pathetic looking playground Alice had ever seen.

  Alice wrinkled her nose when she got a sudden whiff of pot smoke coming through the window. A couple of kids were standing directly outside of her kitchen window, smoking a joint. She closed the window and sat down while she waited for the kettle to boil.

  The kitchen table was an old Formica top table with metal legs. There were only three chairs. One of the chairs was the last remaining survivor of the set that belonged to the table. Its seat cushion was split open down the middle, revealing the yellowed foam inside. Another chair was a black metal folding chair that was riddled with dents and scratches, and the last was a wooden bar stool covered in marker; evidence of a small child’s artwork. Alice’s father was always finding “treasures” on the side of the road.

  Alice had lost everything in the house fire, including her mother. She had spent countless nights as a child, laying awake and wishing her mother would go away. And now, she would have given anything to have her back. With Sybil gone, the true evil that was festering deep inside of Randall had surfaced, and it was an evil that Alice could never have imagined.

  In the last year, Alice had stopped going to school. Either no one cared that she was no longer there, or they never took notice that she was even gone. She couldn’t stand listening to the kids whisper about her behind her back anymore. Even the teachers were talking. They always gave her that pitying look that she found so incredibly degrading. There were days that she would fantasize about jabbing pencils into their patronizing eyes.

  The tea kettle began to scream its high-pitched song, and Alice went over and removed it from the burner. She selected one of the many random mugs from the cupboard that her father had purchased at a yard sale, and plopped a tea bag into it. She poured the hot water into her mug and sat back down.

  Alice bobbed the tea bag up and down in her mug, watching the liquid swirl around, slowly turning a dark amber color. The apartment was quiet, and she was alone. Just the way she liked it.

  Randall would leave around noon every day, spending all of his time at the local bar, and he wouldn’t return until late in the evening. Not that Alice even cared. She often wished that he would leave and never come back.

  Alice’s father didn’t have a job, but Sybil’s life insurance meant that he no longer had to seek out employment. There was plenty of money to sustain his drinking habits.

  Alice got up and went to the refrigerator to get herself a cupcake. The day before was her 14th birthday, and like every year since her mother had passed away, she celebrated it alone. Her father rarely remembered, and when he did, she often just received one of his roadside “treasures”.

  Alice had made herself a batch of cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday. She didn’t have any candles to put on top of them, so she had to improvise. She struck a match and squeezed her eyes shut, wishing with all of her might that her father would disappear. Or, at least be found on the side of the road, dead. She opened her eyes and blew out the match before the flame could reach the tips of her fingers.

  Alice sat back down and ate her cupcake. She reached for her mug and nearly knocked it over when she heard the front door open. She could hear Randall’s heavy boots thumping across the floor and the shoelaces dragging because he was too lazy to tie them. His footfalls were erratic which was a sure sign that he was drunk.

  Nauseating prickly heat rippled across her skin, and her heart thudded in her chest. What was he doing home so early? He never came home in the mi
ddle of the day. Alice closed her eyes, desperately wishing she were somewhere else. It didn’t matter where. Anywhere would have been better than there.

  When Alice opened her eyes, she saw that Randall was standing in the doorway of the kitchen with one hand behind his back, and a ridiculous grin plastered across his face.

  “Hey, I got you a birthday present,” Randall slurred.

  “M-my birthday was yesterday,” Alice replied timidly.

  Randall scowled at her. “Well, then it’s your un-birthday present. Do you want the fucking thing, or not!”

  Alice ran through a mental checklist of every used item her father had given to her over the years. A chess board with several broken pieces. A deck of cards that was missing the 7, 5, and 2 of spades. An old ratty t-shirt that had the words EAT ME, written in bold letters on the front of it. She wondered what sort of “treasure” she was going to get this time.

  Suddenly, Alice heard a small cry coming from behind Randall. She cocked her head sideways trying to figure out what that sound was. When she heard it a second time, her eyes lit up when she realized that it was the cries of a kitten.

  Alice jumped up from her chair and ran to her father. She was grinning from ear to ear, bouncing up and down with excitement. Finally, after all these years, she was about to receive the best present any young girl could have asked for.

  Randall brought his arm around, revealing a very tiny kitten. It was so small that it fit perfectly in the palm of his hand. Its beautiful silver fur was so shiny that it almost looked metallic. The kitten stared up at Alice with incredible aqua-blue eyes. Alice immediately fell in love, and for the first time in years, her heart was filled with joy.

  “Can I name her Dinah?” Alice asked.

  “I don’t give a shit what you name it. You can call it Dickhead for all I care,” Randall said sarcastically.

  Alice reached out to take the kitten from her father, but he pulled his hand back.

  “Ah, now you hold on just a minute. If I give you this little pussy, do I get a little pussy in return?” Randall asked as he reached down and fondled Alice between her legs.

  Alice slapped his hand and backed away from him.

  Randall clenched both of his fists, unaware that he was squeezing the defenseless kitten. The tiny animal let out a scream of pain.

  “NO!” Alice lunged forward and tried to rescue the kitten, but Randall pushed her away.

  “You ungrateful little bitch! Do you have any idea what I went through to get this stupid fucking thing? I was on my hands and knees crawling through mud, just to get it out of the drain pipe. The bitch mother clawed the shit out of me when I took it! The least you could do is pay me back for all of my efforts!”

  Alice’s whole body trembled with disgust as tears poured down her face. “But she’s my Birthday present! I shouldn’t have to owe you anything!”

  Randall thrust the kitten into Alice’s chest, making her rock back on her heels. “Here! Take it then!”

  Randall pushed Alice out of his way and got himself a beer from the fridge. He cracked it open and threw his head back, taking a long swig from the bottle. He lit a cigarette and stared at Alice with a menacing grin on his face. Then he pointed at Alice and said, “I want you to go upstairs, and make yourself look good. I found you a job. You start tonight.”

  “Doing what?”

  Randall chuckled and took another swig of beer. He walked out of the kitchen without answering her and headed upstairs.

  Alice sat down and placed Dinah on the kitchen table. To Alice’s relief, the kitten seemed unharmed.

  Alice wiped away her tears. She wondered what sort of job her father was going to have her do. By the look on his face, she was certain she wasn’t going to like it.

  Alice watched as Dinah playfully swatted at the tea bag’s string that dangled from her mug. Dinah looked inside of the cup and sniffed its contents. Alice scooped the kitten up in her hands and nuzzled her against her face. She looked at the kitten and asked, “Dinah, do you like tea?”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  As Alice headed out of the cafeteria, she bumped into someone, barely noticing that they were even there. Her mind was too preoccupied with questions. She gave the person a half-hearted apology and continued on her way.

  When Alice stepped out into the hallway, there was a flash of blinding white light. She closed her eyes and brought her hand up to shield them against the brilliant glow. She blinked her eyes and slowly opened them. Alice was shocked to discover that she was no longer in the Lutwidge Mental Health Institute.

  It was clear to Alice that she was still in a hospital, but unlike the Lutwidge Mental Health Institute, this place was pristine. The smell of cleaning supplies and antibacterial soaps filled her nostrils. The floor tiles were so perfectly white that they reflected like mirrors as people walked by. Dozens of nurses, doctors, and orderlies rushed up and down the hallway, not even giving Alice so much as a single glance. Noises from every corner invaded her ears. She could hear phones ringing, a voice on the intercom barking orders, carts and wheelchairs being pushed about, people talking, patients crying; Alice couldn’t take it anymore.

  Alice pressed her back against the wall, her eyes wide like a doe caught in headlights, and she could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate. She wanted to call out for help but was too afraid. Where the hell was she? Was she just hallucinating? What was happening to her?

  Everything began to blur, and Alice felt as though she was going to be sick. She closed her eyes and placed her hands over her ears in hopes to block out the sounds, but to no avail. The sounds only seemed to get louder and louder. A dull throbbing ache began to form inside of her skull, the sure sign of a migraine beginning to manifest. She began feeling dizzy, her body swaying to a silent song. But just when she thought she was going to faint, everything stopped. It was as though the world stood still. Nothing but dead silence.

  Alice cautiously peeked with one eye. She was back at the Lutwidge Mental Health Institute.

  ~~~~~

  Alice’s feet pounded down the hallway as she hurried to Dr. Pelletier’s office. She couldn’t take it anymore. She was going to tell him it was over. She didn’t even care if she never got the answers she was looking for. She was afraid that if she stayed any longer, she was going to become a permanent resident.

  When Alice reached Dr. Pelletier’s office, she knocked rapidly on his door and waited impatiently for him to respond. Every second felt like a minute.

  When Alice heard Dr. Pelletier’s muffled voice tell her to enter, she flung open the door and rushed inside. But before she could utter a single word, the sight of his office made her stop dead in her tracks.

  Alice just stood there staring, too stunned to say a word.

  Dr. Pelletier looked around his room, puzzled by Alice’s expression. “Alice? Are you all right, dear?”

  “Your office. What? I don’t understand. How? It’s different.” Alice stumbled on her words, trying to figure out what to say.

  It wasn’t just different. It was an entirely new room. The large wooden bookshelves that once housed many old books and antique medical tools were gone. They had been replaced with three boring metal filing cabinets. All of the beautiful black and white photographs of birds that once decorated the walls were nothing more than tacky motivational posters. The antique fainting couch was also gone. In its place was a plain blue sofa. Dr. Pelletier’s desk was completely void of all the wonderful trinkets that Alice had admired. Now, the only things that were strewn about his desk were typical office supplies. Even his antique furniture had been replaced with a standard desk and black office chairs. Alice looked down and tapped her foot on the floor. The gorgeous hardwood flooring was no longer there. Instead, Alice found herself standing on ugly gray carpet.

  Dr. Pelletier glanced around the room again as if he were looking for something that he had misplaced.

  “Well, I did tidy up a bit,” Dr. Pelletier replied casually.

&nb
sp; Alice shook her head and slowly inched her way further into the office, examining every corner with wide eyes.

  “No, this is completely different. You didn’t just tidy up. You changed the whole damn thing!”

  Dr. Pelletier put down his pen and removed his glasses. “Alice, my office has been the same for the past ten years.”

  Alice clutched the sides of her throbbing head. She could feel herself slowly losing control.

  “No! Stop it! Just, stop it! Why are you doing this to me? I don’t know what the hell is going on in this place, but it is over! I don’t know what you are up to, or what you have done to me, but I will not let it go on any longer!” Alice shouted as she began to back up towards the door, ready to make a run for it.

  Dr. Pelletier stood from his desk and carefully approached Alice the way someone would approach a wounded wild animal. “Alice, everything is going to be all right. Please, come sit down. I believe you may be having a severe panic attack.”

  “No!” Alice screamed, swatting away Dr. Pelletier’s hand. “Don’t touch me! What the hell is wrong with you people? I have been having nightmares, unbearable headaches, and now I think I’m hallucinating! I know that you know what’s happening to me. Tell me! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!”

  “Please, Alice. Calm down. You must trust me.”

  “Trust you? Trust YOU?!” Filled with rage and fear, Alice laughed nervously. “Why the hell should I trust you? Why should I trust anyone in this place? I feel like I’m losing my mind, and no one will tell me what is going on! I’m sick of it! Stop lying to me, and tell me what the fuck is happening!”

  Alice stared intensely at Dr. Pelletier, her fists clenched, her shoulders rising and falling with every heavy breath. As she glared at him with intense hatred, she saw something in his eyes that surprised her. Dr. Pelletier’s blue-grey eyes had a true look of concern in them. A look of compassion and understanding. With just that one look, Alice felt her rage slowly slipping away. Suddenly, all of the stresses and burdens that she had been carrying with her for months, and even years, just exploded out of her all at once. The floodgates opened up, and Alice began to sob uncontrollably.