Through the Shattered Looking Glass

by Crane, M. L.

  “The mirror,” Alice whispered, “That’s how I could see them.”

  Dr. Pelletier clapped his hands together and shouted, “Precisely!” startling Alice. He jumped up from his chair and went to the other side of the table, standing behind the mirror as though he were about to do a presentation.

  “Alice, although I needed to pull you back to reality and see the truth, I had hoped to do it as gently as possible. I needed to figure out a way to have you discover the truth on your own.

  “One day, while Nurse Allen was escorting you to your room, I walked by with a group of students that were touring our facility. One of the students had asked me about internships, and you overheard her. Immediately, you absorbed that information, and it became yours. During one of our sessions, you thanked me for the internship, and that’s when I knew what I had to do. I needed to present your alters as patients. The only question was how I was going to make that possible. Then one day, it just clicked,” he said, snapping his fingers. “I knew I had to take advantage of your own delusions.” He waved his hands around the mirror like a model on The Price Is Right, showing off a high-speed blender.

  Alice remained silent. She just stared at Dr. Pelletier, too dumbstruck to respond. How was it possible for her to have multiple personalities and not even realize it? When did this happen? How long has this been going on?

  Dr. Pelletier sat back down in his chair next to Alice. “You see, when you first arrived, your alters would come out sporadically on their own. I’ve met all four of your alters without your knowledge. But, it was imperative that you knew of their existence. So, I used your delusions to my advantage. I let you believe that you were my intern so that I could introduce your alters as patients. Just by simply stating who you would meet that day, your imagination and the mirror did the rest of the work.” Dr. Pelletier paused for a moment, trying to read Alice’s face. “I know that this is probably a lot for you to take in right now, and it may be a bit too difficult to understand, but I need you to see the truth. I need you to remember.”

  Alice felt too numb to speak.

  “Alice, I want you to think back to when you were a little girl. Think about the day that your home burned down. Tell me about the fire.”

  “What?”

  “What happened that day?”

  “What does that have to do with anything?” Alice asked, feeling confused.

  “Please Alice, just concentrate. Close your eyes, and think back to that day. I want you to play it all out in your mind. What happened after your mom hurt you? How did the fire get started?”

  “I don’t know…I can’t remember…”

  “Yes Alice, you do know. Where were you when the fire started? Where was your mother?”

  “I…I was…” Alice’s head began to spin, and her vision became cloudy as though she were spiraling into a strange hypnotic state. She closed her eyes and allowed the darkness to consume her.

  “Alice? Can you hear me?” Dr. Pelletier’s voice sounded distant.

  “Yes, I can hear you,” Alice replied dreamily.

  “Good. Now, I want you to tell me what really happened on that day.”

  When Alice opened her eyes, she saw a trembling seven-year-old Alice laying on the living room floor, wearing a pretty Christmas party dress. The ruffle along the bottom hem was torn.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Alice, age 7

  Alice pushed herself up off of the floor, using the coffee table as leverage. She sat on the sofa and wiped away her tears. In the center of the coffee table, there was a green candle. Alice stared at it, mesmerized by the flickering flame, and calmed by the faint aroma of pine permeating from it.

  Alice reached out and began playing with the green candle, passing her hand back and forth over it, feeling the strange hot pressure as the flame licked her fingertips playfully.

  All Alice had ever wanted was someone to care about her. She wanted someone who would love her unconditionally. Someone who would have done anything for her.

  Alice couldn’t understand why her mother despised her so much. She had always tried so desperately to please Sybil. Day after day, Alice ached for her mother to embrace her. To tell her that she loved her and that she was proud of her. She wanted her mother to brag to her friends about how wonderful and perfect her little Alice was. She had longed for her mother to play with her. To take her to the park and have afternoon picnics. To bake cookies and make messes. To snuggle together in the evenings while she listened to her mother read bedtime stories. And to be tucked in and kissed goodnight. But no matter how hard Alice tried, she was never able to earn her mother’s love and affection.

  A slow boiling rage began to fester deep within the pits of Alice’s stomach. A feeling that she had never felt before. Her jaw clenched, and her breath was deep and heavy. Horrific thoughts raced through her mind.

  “I hate her. She never loved me, and I don’t love her anymore. She’s a monster, and I wish she were dead.”

  Suddenly, Alice’s vision began to tunnel and then everything went black.

  Alice blinked her eyes and shook her head, snapping herself out of the hypnotic trance. She stood quickly. A sudden sense of urgency coursed through her. She picked up the candle and stared into the flame. She scurried over to the Christmas tree, gripping the candle with both hands like she had just stolen a precious artifact. She shot glances around the room, making sure that there was no one around to witness what was about to take place.

  Alice looked up at the Christmas angel sitting on top of the tree. “I’m sorry, but I need to protect Mary Ann because I love her so much. You love her too, don’t you? I can’t let the monster hurt her anymore,” Alice whispered to the angel. Her voice was higher pitched and more delicate than usual.

  Alice extended her arms and held the candle out in front of her, letting the small flame dance across the dry pine needles. The single candle flame quickly gave birth to a fiery beast that shot straight up the tree, engulfing it hungrily. Alice jumped back being careful not to catch herself on fire. She watched in awe as the fire began to spread across the room like a contagious disease. The walls rapidly turned black, and the curtains ignited in a flash like a magic trick. The ornaments melted and twisted. The Christmas angel looked as though it were screaming in agony.

  As the flames moved faster, the temperature in the room quickly rose. Alice panicked and looked around the room frantically, coughing and choking on the billowing smoke. She quickly realized that if she didn’t get herself out of the house soon, she would be trapped inside and end up sharing the same fate as the monster upstairs.

  Alice ran out into the hall and ripped open the closet door. She threw on her favorite white fur coat and grabbed a hat from the box on the floor. She ran to the front door and stopped for a moment to take one last glance towards the living room. It was now entirely engulfed in flames, and black smoke was beginning to fill the house. Alice looked up the stairs towards the second floor. A smirk formed on her lips, relieved to see that her mother was still oblivious to the apocalyptic destruction that was occurring in her home. Sybil had always thought that smoke alarms looked tacky and didn’t want them ruining the perfect appearance of her home.

  Alice opened the front door. A blast of bitterly cold winter air stung her cheeks and took her breath away. She stepped outside and closed the door behind her.

  Alice looked up and down the street, wondering if anyone would notice the flames and call the fire department. Most of the houses were dark inside with no signs of life. The only source of light came from the twinkling Christmas lights that were strung along eaves and porches, and the street lights that cast a heavenly glow on the snow. Most of the people in the neighborhood were out of town on vacation visiting family. And Alice knew that her mother’s guests weren’t due to arrive for another hour. Help was not coming.

  Alice walked down to the end of the driveway, taking each step carefully so as not to slip and fall on the ice. She smiled
contentedly as she listened to the wonderful sound the snow made as it crunched beneath her shoes. Before she got to the end of the driveway, she could hear the monster inside, screaming for help. Alice giggled.

  Alice stood by the road and watched gleefully as her perfect home with all of its perfect secrets, burned. Burned like the pits of Hell with the monster trapped inside.

  Within minutes, the entire house was engulfed in flames. The fire roared loudly, glass shattered as windows exploded, and unknown objects within burst and popped. Sybil’s screams had gone silent.

  Alice placed her hat on her head and pulled it snugly over her ears. It was a white hand-knitted wool hat with two floppy bunny ears. She smiled and giggled. “Oh, dear. She was too late.”

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-SIX

  Alice trembled as if she could still feel the icy chill of that cold winter day. Her eyes were wide and glassy with shock.

  “I killed my mother, didn’t I?” Alice asked although she already knew the answer to that question.

  Dr. Pelletier nodded. “Yes, I’m afraid so, dear.”

  “But I…I always thought that the fire was just an accident.”

  “So did everyone else. I recall reading that newspaper article. They called it an unfortunate accident. It was believed that it had been a careless act on your mother’s part for leaving a lit candle unattended.”

  “But how could I forget that I did it?”

  “Alice, the mind is a wondrous thing. It will suppress or even alter someone’s memories in order to protect them from severe stress and trauma. Your mind felt threatened. You felt as though you were in danger. So, you created Whitney to save you.”

  Alice stared at her feet, too scared to look up and see someone other than herself in the mirror.

  “Alice, can you remember anything else from that night?”

  “I remember that I watched the fire for a long time. My feet were so cold. Then cars started coming. I think it was the party guests. My father came home, too. He just stood there, staring at the fire. He didn’t even ask me if I was all right. Someone else asked me if I was okay. It was my mother’s friend Tilly, I think. Or was it, Lacie? I guess it doesn’t matter. They were too late. The whole house was burning. My mother never made it out.” Alice’s eyes were distant as she tried to mend the broken pieces of that particular memory.

  “Go on, Alice. You’re doing fine,” Dr. Pelletier said, gently encouraging her to continue.

  “Someone was screaming for help, but I…I can’t remember who it was. Then the fire truck came. The siren was so loud. I could hear it far away before it reached my house. A fireman ran up to me. He asked me if I was hurt. I didn’t say anything. I just stared at him.” Alice paused and took a deep, shaky breath before continuing. “There was an ambulance, too. I was sitting in the back of it, but I don’t remember anyone putting me there. Someone was checking me. I started crying. I…” Alice squeezed her eyes shut and a lump formed in her throat.

  “Keep going, Alice. I know this is difficult for you, but it’s very important that you remember.”

  Alice swallowed hard and opened her eyes. She took a deep breath and carried on. “I started crying because I wanted my mother. Can you believe it? I was actually crying for her. I don’t know if I was pretending, or if I truly meant it. I can’t remember.

  “A police officer asked me what happened. He was very tall, and his skin was dark. I remember thinking that he was the most beautiful man that I had ever seen. His voice was deep and strong. I wanted him to pick me up and cradle me in his arms. I wanted him to take me away and keep me safe.” Alice went silent.

  Alice lifted her head and looked into the mirror. Staring back at her was Whitney.

  Whitney looked so peaceful, as though a great burden or a long held secret had finally been released. She smiled tenderly at Alice and blew her a kiss. As she waved goodbye to Alice, she began to blur and fade, leaving Alice to face her own reflection.

  As Whitney faded, Alice could feel her drift away. Alice sensed that Whitney was still a part of her, but that she had gone somewhere far, far away. And Alice knew that she would not be returning.

  Alice was glad that Whitney had finally found peace, but her heart ached to be with her. She had only just met her, but deep down she knew that she had known her for most of her life. Alice felt as though she had just lost the first true friend she had ever had.

  Dr. Pelletier watched Alice for a moment, trying to read her body language. He sat back in his chair and began jotting down notes on his legal pad. Once he had finished, he looked up at Alice to find that she was still staring into the mirror.

  “Alice, can you remember what you told the police officer?”

  Alice remained silent. At first, Dr. Pelletier thought that she wasn’t going to answer him, but before he could ask the question again, Alice responded.

  “I told him that it was just an accident. I didn’t mean to. When I stood up from the sofa, I accidentally bumped the table, and the candle fell off. It rolled under the tree. I saw the fire and got scared. It happened so fast. I didn’t know what to do. So I got my coat and ran outside. I didn’t want to get in trouble.” She looked at Dr. Pelletier. “He believed me. I killed my mother and lied about it, and no one even questioned my story.”

  “You were just a child, Alice. You can’t blame yourself for something that you were unaware of doing.”

  “That doesn’t matter. I may have blocked it out, or sugar coated it all these years, but I remember now. I murdered my mother. Maybe that’s why she hated me so much. She probably knew that I was a monster.”

  Dr. Pelletier let out a loud sigh. He laced his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. They both sat quietly for several minutes. Dr. Pelletier was contemplating his next move, and Alice stared hatefully at her own reflection.

  Alice couldn’t believe how she could have forgotten something so tragic. She killed her own mother and had erased it from her memory as though it were no more important than an old shopping list. Sybil was a terrible woman, but did she really deserve to die so horrifically? Alice couldn’t bare to look at herself any longer and moved her gaze to the floor.

  Alice mumbled something but Dr. Pelletier couldn’t quite make out what she said.

  “What was that, dear?”

  Alice shot a look at Dr. Pelletier and raised her voice. “I said, is that why I’m in here? Because Whitney…I mean…because I killed my mother?”

  Dr. Pelletier pursed his lips and squinted his eyes as he searched for the correct way to respond to her question. He unlaced his hands and steepled his fingers together, pressing them against his mouth. Finally, he met Alice’s gaze and said, “Yes. And no.”

  Alice sniffed and rolled her eyes. “Fantastic. More vague answers.”

  “Alice, please don’t get frustrated. I know that you are probably feeling angry and scared right now, but there are still several more things that we need to discuss.”

  “Like what? Are you telling me that I’ve done other horrible things?”

  “Let’s talk about Dinah.”

  “Who?”

  “Dinah. That was the name you gave your kitten, wasn’t it?”

  Alice felt exasperated. “Oh, my God. What is the point to all of this? I’ve just remembered that I killed my own mother, I’ve just found out that I’m batshit crazy, and now you want me to talk about some stupid kitten that I had a few years ago.”

  “What happened to the kitten, Alice?” Dr. Pelletier asked, ignoring Alice’s annoyance.

  “I don’t know, and I don’t care! This is so stupid!”

  “Alice, please. This may seem trivial at the moment, but it really is quite important. I want you to think back to the day that you got Dinah. Close your eyes, relax, and concentrate. What happened to Dinah?”

  Alice begrudgingly closed her eyes. She took several deep breaths before she could feel herself begin to relax. She became lightheaded as the same strange hypnotic sensation
as before began to overcome her.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Alice, age 14

  Alice sat down and placed Dinah on the kitchen table. She wiped away her tears and watched as the kitten playfully swatted at the tea bag’s string that dangled from her mug. Dinah looked inside of the cup and sniffed its contents. Alice scooped the kitten up in her hands and nuzzled her against her face. She looked at the kitten and asked, “Dinah, do you like tea?”

  Alice could hear her father vomiting loudly in the bathroom. The sound of it used to make her stomach turn sour, but after years of listening to it, she had become desensitized to the putrid noise. Once he had finished, she could hear his heavy boots clomping awkwardly down the hall to his bedroom. She could hear him plop down on his bed, the springs protesting against his weight. He removed his boots letting them fall to the floor with a thud. Alice knew that it wouldn’t be long before his drunken stupor would force him to pass out cold.

  Alice set Dinah back down on the kitchen table and stood up. She walked to the sink and stared absently out the window, wondering what sort of job her father was planning on having her do. By the look on his face, she knew that she wasn’t going to like it. She turned around and looked at the kitten through blurry eyes.

  “You know, Dinah, he wasn’t always like this. I mean, he was always a drunk, yeah, but not like this.” Alice paused, allowing distant memories to dance around in her mind. “He never used to touch me. He wouldn’t even hug me. Actually, I wonder if he ever loved me properly. You know, like a father is supposed to love their daughter. What do you think?”

  Dinah, who had resumed her game with the tea bag string, mewed in response.

  Alice sighed, “Yeah, I don’t know either.”

  Alice looked back out the window. She watched as a couple of boys had begun arguing over something. They seemed to be screaming insults at one another. Using language that they had learned from their parents, only to be punished for it later. The taller boy pushed the shorter boy down onto the ground, which apparently ended the fight. The shorter boy stood up and flipped the taller boy the bird, and then ran off crying. The taller boy puffed out his chest, standing triumphantly, deciding that he had won the fight. Alice shook her head and rolled her eyes. She was tired of watching the neighborhood brats and turned her gaze to the sky.