Aristophanes: The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  TEREUS: You mean you’re looking for a town

  greater than Athens.

  PEISETAIRUS: Greater? No,

  just better for us.

  TEREUS: So it’s aristocracy you seek?

  PEISETAIRUS: Not at all, Aristocrates disgusts me.467

  TEREUS: Well, then, what kind of city would you really like?

  PEISETAIRUS: One where my worst fear would be

  a friend arriving at my house at dawn

  announcing that: “In the name of Olympian Zeus, make sure

  that you and your brats are washed and in your best

  tomorrow on the dot and at my door.

  I’m preparing a wedding feast, so don’t disappoint me;

  or I’ll not let you cry on my shoulder next time I’m feeling down.”

  TEREUS: My word, you do expect the worst!

  [to EUELPIDES] And what about you?

  EUELPIDES: Me, too.

  TEREUS: Which is?

  EUELPIDES: A city where I run into the papa

  of a ripe and lovely boy at his best,

  and the papa exclaims: “Hey, a fine one you are!

  You bump into my son coming from the gym

  all rosy from his bath and you don’t kiss him,

  go into a huddle, and hug him or cuddle his balls,

  and you call yourself a family friend!”

  TEREUS: Unhappy man, what miseries you court!

  However, there is a town that I think you’ll find

  the congenial spot you want.

  It’s on the shores of the Red Sea.

  EUELPIDES: Oh no, not near the sea—not for him and me—

  not anyplace where some fine day Salaminia, the galley,468

  hoves into port with a writ. . . .

  Haven’t you got a Greek city?

  TEREUS: Well, there’s Lepreus in Elis. Why not go and settle there?

  EUELPIDES: Heaven help us! Lepreus stinks, sight unseen. It’s got Melanthius in it.469

  TEREUS: Then how about Opuntius in Locris?470 That would suit you fine.

  EUELPIDES: Not me. I wouldn’t be Opuntian

  for a whole talent of gold.

  PEISETAIRUS: Let’s get back to life with the birds. You know all about it.

  TEREUS: It’s quite nice, actually, and the great thing is,

  there’s no need—of a purse.

  EUELPIDES: Which immediately gets rid

  of life’s greatest curse.

  TEREUS: We have picnics in the gardens, of blanched sesame seed,

  myrtle berries, poppy seeds, and mint.

  EUELPIDES: Wow! The life of honeymooners!

  PEISETAIRUS: [to EUELPIDES] Lordy me, what bliss I see

  in the empire of birds. . . . Take my advice:

  for you it’s absolutely meant.

  TEREUS: What advice, pray, do you suggest?

  PEISETAIRUS: What advice? Well, to begin with,

  stop fluttering around every which way with open beaks—

  the silliest of bloomers.

  For instance, if we at home saw one of these flying geeks

  and asked: “Who’s the flit wit?”

  the reply from Teleas471 would be: “The fellow’s a bird—

  never stays put, is unbalanced, volatile, and absurd.”

  TEREUS: Right on! By Dionysus! But what can we do about it?

  PEISETAIRUS: Found a single bird town.

  TEREUS: But how could we ever found a town of birds?

  PEISETAIRUS: Really, what a scatterbrained remark!

  Look down.

  TEREUS: I’m looking.

  PEISETAIRUS: Now look up.

  TEREUS: I’m looking.

  PEISETAIRUS: Swivel your head backwards and forwards.

  TEREUS: A capital way to dislocate my neck!

  PEISETAIRUS: Did you see anything?

  TEREUS: The clouds and the sky.

  PEISETAIRUS: Well, isn’t that where the birds will stop?

  TEREUS: In what way?

  PEISETAIRUS: Their own personal spot, you might say,

  at present merely a stopping or stepping-off place

  where everything’s in a whirl, so it’s called a world,

  but as soon as you settle it and make it solid

  it will be a city-state, and you’ll reign over mortals

  as you do over bugs. . . . As for the gods,

  you’ll starve them out, like the unfortunate

  natives of Melos.472

  TEREUS: How?

  PEISETAIRUS: Because in between them and us is air. Right?

  And just as we have to ask for visas from the Boeotians473

  when we want to visit Delphi, so will humans

  when they sacrifice to the gods have to get visas

  from you for the savory smell of fried bacon

  to reach heaven.

  TEREUS: Hear! Hear! Yes, yes! By every trap and net

  and snare of earth and cloud, I’ve never heard

  a prettier trick; so let

  me join you in establishing this city,

  if the other birds agree.

  PEISETAIRUS: Who will tell them of the plan?

  TEREUS: You. And they’ll understand.

  I’ve been with them for an age

  and they’re not the oafs they were

  before I taught them language.

  PEISETAIRUS: How will you summon them here?

  TEREUS: With ease . . . In a trice I’ll disappear

  into the copse and wake up my nightingale,

  and we’ll send out a joint call.

  The moment they hear us they’ll come on the double.

  PEISETAIRUS: Most beloved of birds, get moving, I beg,

  and enter the copse at once

  to wake up the nightingale.

  [TEREUS steps into the copse.]

  TEREUS: Up with you, songster. No longer lag

  In the depths of slumber. Open the throttle

  Of sanctified song from your divine

  Bill and lament the loss of your child

  Itys, and mine, in the flood and the trickle

  Of melody from your quavering throat.

  [From somewhere in the woods, the notes of a flute accompany the nightingale’s answer.]

  Up through the viridescent tresses of bryony

  The limpid trills of the melody float

  To Zeus’s abode, where Apollo the lovely,

  With his tresses of gold, resides and hearkens

  To your lament, and on his ivory

  Lyre strums a vibrant response

  Inspiring the gods to a sorrowful dance

  Till the fullest divine harmony beckons.

  EUELPIDES: Zeus, King, how that bird’s song

  has turned the whole copse into a honey glen!

  PEISETAIRUS: Hey, there!

  EUELPIDES: Can’t you keep quiet?

  PEISETAIRUS: The Hoopoe’s going to sing again.

  EUELPIDES: What for?

  TEREUS:474 Epop-pop-poie, epop-popoie-popoie

  Yo yo ito ito ito . . .

  Come hither, come hither, birds of a feather:

  All you whose terrain over the rural

  Acres beneath you is fertile in grain,

  And you dippily flying seed-eating finches

  Joyously crying, and rook and seagull

  noisily following the upturning trenches

  Happily happily tio-tit-tio-tio-tio-tio.

  All you who guzzle deep in the gardens

  Among ivy-hung branches,

  And you who feed on arbutus and olive

  In the wild hills,

  Wing your way quickly, come to my calls.

  Trioto trioto totobrix.

  And you who are in the flats and the marshes

  Teeming with greedily biting gnats,

  All you who inhabit the swampy places,

  And that bird that’s all freckles:

  The godwit, the godwit.475

  And you various tribes that fly with t
he halcyon476

  Over the rolling boom of the ocean

  Come quickly and listen to what’s going on.

  Here we are mustering in all our variety

  Of long-necked birds;

  For here there has come a venerable sage

  Full of ideas,

  Full of new ways.

  Come along all of you to our purlieu of words:

  Hither hither hither hither

  Toro-toro-toro-torotix

  kikkabau kikkabau

  Toro-toro-toro-lililix.

  PEISETAIRUS: See a bird anywhere?

  EUELPIDES: Not a feather,

  though I’ve kept my eyeballs skinned on the sky.

  PEISETAIRUS: So the hoopoe hoopooing in the copse

  is as hopeless as the curlew crying in the swamps.

  [As TEREUS emerges from the copse a FLAMINGO appears.]

  TEREUS: Torotix torotix.

  EUELPIDES: You may be right, pal, but look over there:

  a bird.

  PEISETAIRUS: It’s a bird, yes, but what?

  A peacock? No way!

  EUELPIDES: Our host will surely say

  what kind of bird is here.

  TEREUS: It’s not the kind of bird mankind is used to. It comes from the marsh.

  EUELPIDES: My word! What a flaming pink!

  TEREUS: Flaming, yes, that’s why “flamingo” is its name.

  EUELPIDES: Hey, look!

  PEISETAIRUS: At what?

  EUELPIDES: Another bird has come.

  [A PHEASANT struts into view uttering its raucous call.]

  PEISETAIRUS: You are right,

  and with a flamboyance nothing can match.

  Who the hell is this stunning bird?

  Is he from the highlands? A mantic crooner?

  TEREUS: He’s called Pheasant and he’s from Persia.477

  EUELPIDES: Heaven help us! From Persia indeed!

  Did he come by flight and not by camel?

  [HOOPOE appears.]

  PEISETAIRUS: Here’s another bird. This one’s crested.

  EUELPIDES: What, another hoopoe? So Tereus is not so unusual.

  TEREUS: This is the son of Philades’ hoopoe and I’m his granddad:

  just as Hipponicus is the son of Callias

  and Callias’ grandson is the son of Hipponicus.478

  PEISETAIRUS: So this bird is a Callias, although he’s molting.

  TEREUS: Well, yes, being noble and rich he gets plucked

  by the cheats and plucked by the womenfolk.

  [The bird GULPER appears.]

  EUELPIDES: Holy Poseidon! This bird’s a really flashing bloke.

  What’s his name, I wonder!

  TEREUS: Him? He’s Gulper.

  PEISETAIRUS: So Cleonymus is not the only gulper.479

  EUELPIDES: If this were Cleonymus, he would have chucked

  away his crests and gone bolting.

  PEISETAIRUS: Why do many of these birds wear crests?

  Are they parading?

  TEREUS: Not a bit of it. Like the natives of Caria,480

  for the sake of safety, they build the nests on crests.

  [At this point the twenty-four members of the bird CHORUS begin to come in. At first in ones and twos and then in a rush. Each bird is distinguished by a different costume.]

  PEISETAIRUS: Holy Poseidon, just take a look! What a plethora of birds is in the area!

  EUELPIDES: Whoopee! Lord Apollo! What a flock! Such a cloud, you can’t see the scenery anymore.

  PEISETAIRUS: There’s a partridge.

  EUELPIDES: And there’s a godwit.

  PEISETAIRUS: And there’s a wigeon.

  EUELPIDES: And there’s a halcyon.

  PEISETAIRUS: And behind her, what?

  EUELPIDES: That one? A razorbill.

  PEISETAIRUS: You mean, there’s a barber bird?

  EUELPIDES: Isn’t Sporgilus that?481

  Look, there’s an owl.

  PEISETAIRUS: An owl brought to Athens? How absurd!482

  EUELPIDES: Jay, turtledove, cuckoo, little owl,

  Redcap, bunting, kestrel, seagull,

  Robin, wood pigeon, redshank, lark,

  Reed warbler, vulture, dove, hawk,

  Woodpecker, lammergeier.483

  PEISETAIRUS: Whoopie! What a lot! Whoopie! Every sort of pecker: how they chirp and skip about! How they screech each other out! Hey, but this is getting scary. They’ve got their peckers open as if ready, and they’re glaring at us, you and me.

  EUELPIDES: I think so as well.

  CHORUS: Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop! Oh from where did I hear a call? Where is he perched?

  TEREUS: I am the one, and readily

  at the disposal of my friends.

  CHORUS: Tit-tit-tit-tit-tit! Oh tell me

  what message for me have you fetched?

  I am your friend.

  TEREUS: One that affects us all,

  our safety and our rights . . . is sweet as well.

  Two gentlemen are here to see me—

  most sagacious men.

  CHORUS: Where? Why? Which? What?

  TEREUS: Two venerable men, I tell

  you, are here from the world of man.

  They come proposing a most auspicious plan.

  LEADER: O monster of mistakes! It beats

  the worst since I was fledged.

  TEREUS: Don’t fly off the handle because of what I said!

  LEADER: What! When you’ve knocked me down with a feather?

  TEREUS: All I did

  was welcome a couple of men in love with our world of birds.

  LEADER: You actually welcomed them, did you?

  TEREUS: I actually did, and I’m glad.

  LEADER: So they’re somewhere here among us? TEREUS: As sure as I’m among you.

  STROPHE

  CHORUS: Alas! Alas!

  Outrageous it is that we’re betrayed:

  Betrayed by a friend who shared our fare

  In the meadows where we used to feed,

  Breaking our primal laws and flouting

  Our every birdly undertaking.

  He’s tripped us up in a serpentine snare.

  He’s tossed us into the mass

  Of an unprincipled race

  That right from the beginning

  Has harassed us with war.

  LEADER: Very well, when it comes to him

  we’ll settle with him later,

  but that couple of dotards, I think we’ll do it now

  and pull them limb from limb.

  PEISETAIRUS: So that’s the end of us!

  EUELPIDES: Oh yes, we’re in a mess, you blighter,

  and you are to blame.

  Why ever did you drag me here from the back of beyond?

  PEISETAIRUS: As a companion.

  EUELPIDES: As a lachrymose dummy, in my opinion.

  PEISETAIRUS: An odd proposition—

  crying with your eyes pecked out.

  ANTISTROPHE

  CHORUS: Tallyho!

  Onwards, attack in a broadside, muster,

  Strike in every direction, slaughter:

  Bamboozle them with your smothering flight;

  Make this couple of hooligans shout

  And offer them up to my greedy beak.

  Nowhere is there a shadowy peak

  Nor cloud of sufficient height

  Nor heavy fathoms of sea

  That will save these two

  Once I set to pursue.

  LEADER: Cut any further twaddle and get pecking and plucking—

  on the double.

  EUELPIDES: That’s the end, then. Where can this goner flee?

  PEISETAIRUS: Stay where you are.

  EUELPIDES: So I can be torn asunder?

  PEISETAIRUS: Well, where do you propose to fly?

  EUELPIDES: I haven’t an idea.

  PEISETAIRUS: Allow me to tell you:

  Grab one of those frying pans and fight like thunder.

  EUELPIDES: What’s the use of a f
rying pan?

  PEISETAIRUS: We can ward off the owls with it.

  EUELPIDES: What! With their talons and claws?

  PEISETAIRUS: Get hold of a skewer

  and hold it in front of you, if you can.

  EUELPIDES: But what about our eyes?

  PEISETAIRUS: Use a cup or saucer and fit it.

  EUELPIDES: You absolute genius of a military commander, why, you surpass even General Nicias.484

  LEADER: Onwards and at ’em with fixed beaks

  and no hanging back.

  Pull ’em, punch ’em, pluck ’em, flense ’em,

  knock out the frying pan.

  TEREUS: Stop it, I say, you soddingest

  of stupid creatures:

  Out to slay and dismember

  two men who haven’t hurt you;

  Relatives of my wife and

  members of my clan.

  LEADER: I see, we have to be kinder

  to these two men

  Than to wolves, when there’s nobody

  we should fight

  More readily than them.

  TEREUS: They’re natural enemies, maybe,

  but here’s a thought:

  They’ve come here only to give you

  admirable advice.

  LEADER: What possible advice

  could such men

  Come here to offer when

  they’re enemies

  Of ours since ancestral times?

  TEREUS: Even from enemies much can be learned

  by the intelligent,

  More in fact than from our friends.

  For example,

  It was from enemies that we learned

  to build ample

  Walls and ships of war to defend

  our homes and children,

  And our property.

  LEADER: Well, I suppose it’s expedient

  to hear them out.

  A prudent person after all

  can pick up something

  Even from an enemy.

  PEISETAIRUS: It seems their anger is abating,

  slowly fall

  Back step by step.

  TEREUS: Surely it’s right action, too,

  and surely you

  Could not do better than to butter me up!

  LEADER: We’ve never opposed you in the past at least.

  EUELPIDES: It looks as though at last they’re asking for