Aristophanes: The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  And stunned by your lyrics.

  LEADER: Celebrate, too, the aerial scenes: The shattering thunder,

  The lightning flashes

  That Zeus inflicts

  With the hurl of his bolts.

  CHORUS: Yes, the cracking blaze of his lightning Candescently splitting With its hammer of fire And the thunder grumbling into the ground Enticing the rain. And now the earth will be made to quake by this man, The new master and Zeus’s heir With the Princess, Lady in waiting at Zeus’s throne—Hymen, Hymenaeus!

  Follow the nuptial party now,

  All you wingèd denizens

  And singing birds of every tribe.

  Follow me up to the holy floor

  Of Zeus, wherein the wedding bower

  Awaits the bride.

  PEISETAIRUS: [to PRINCESS] Give me your hand, you radiant thing, And hold me firmly by the wing; We’ll dance together and I’ll swing You high, oh high.

  [PEISETAIRUS and PRINCESS, with a large consort of BIRDS, dance away, higher and higher into the sky.]

  CHORUS: Alalala! We salute you, Paeon,586 A song of success and joy we sing To the highest deity in the sky.

  LYSISTRATA

  Lysistrata was produced by Callistratus in the

  early spring of 411 B.C., probably at the Lenaea.

  He had already presented four plays of Aristophanes, the last being Birds. It is not known how it

  was received or if it won a prize.

  THEME

  It was a bad time for Athens. The grandiose armada invasion of Sicily had proved a disaster. She lost her fleet, her army, and a great deal of money. Meanwhile, the Spartans were on her doorstep and many of her allies were seizing the opportunity to defect from the Athenian hegemony. Aristophanes, who in several of his plays had done his best to show the stupidity, the waste, the corruption of war, now courageously wrote a comedy with a brilliantly unexpected slant: funny enough to get around the warmongers and serious enough to make them think.

  CHARACTERS

  LYSISTRATA, young Athenian wife

  CALONICE, young Athenian wife

  MYRRHINE, young Athenian wife

  LAMPITO, young Spartan wife

  MAGISTRATE, Athenian

  FIRST OLD WOMAN, of the marketplace

  SECOND OLD WOMAN, of the marketplace

  THIRD OLD WOMAN, of the marketplace

  FIRST WIFE, of Athens

  SECOND WIFE, of Athens

  THIRD WIFE, of Athens

  FOURTH WIFE, of Athens

  CINESIAS, husband of Myrrhine

  BABY, of Cinesias and Myrrhine

  HERALD, from Sparta

  FIRST SPARTAN DELEGATE

  FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE

  FIRST LOUT, citizen of Athens

  SECOND LOUT, citizen of Athens

  PORTER

  SECOND ATHENIAN DELEGATE

  MEN’S CHORUS, twelve old Athenian men

  WOMEN’S CHORUS, twelve middle-aged and old Athenian

  women

  SILENT PARTS

  ATHENIAN WIVES

  SPARTAN WIVES

  ISMENIA, a Theban wife

  MISS BOEOTIA, young Theban woman

  CORINTHIAN WIFE

  SCYTHIAN GIRL, servant of Lysistrata

  SERVANTS, of Magistrate

  FOUR SCYTHIAN ARCHER POLICEMAN

  SERVANT, of Cinesias

  SPARTAN DELEGATES

  SERVANTS, of Spartan delegates

  ATHENIAN DELEGATES

  SERVANTS, of Athenian delegates

  RECONCILIATION

  PIPER

  THE STORY

  To put an end to war Lysistrata hits on a startlingly simple way of forcing husbands to stay at home and become pacifists: deny them sex. Not all the husbands, of course, are immediately subject to this radical treatment because they are already away fighting, but even these would come home on leave—with one thought on their minds. Withholding sex from panting young husbands is the strategy Lysistrata has devised for their wives, but she has a different one for the older women: to make an assault on the Acropolis and seize and freeze the assets that fund the war.

  OBSERVATIONS

  Lysistrata (pronounced LySIStrata) means in Greek “demobilizer,” and if one wanted to be clever in English one could simply call her Lisa. But there is more to it than that. The “lys” part of the name is from the verb luō, “to loosen,” and one of the powers women possess is that of loosening the loins of men.

  Lysistrata herself is something of a grande dame and is treated with decided respect by the other women. It is also noticeable that though she is the organizer of “Operation Prick,” she is not in the least bawdy, unlike her friend Calonice. In her initial conversation with Calonice, when she describes her enterprise as pressing, huge, and weighty, she is being quite literal; it is Calonice who is thinking of something very different.

  Lampito, a Spartan, speaks in a Greek the Athenians would consider a dialect. Her words have shorter syllables than Attic Greek. The Spartans, or Lacedaemonions, from Laconia (another name for Sparta), were noted for their brevity—from which we get the word “laconic”—and their speech must have had the same relation to Attic Greek as, say, Catalan Spanish has to Castillian. Aristophanes takes pains to have Lampito speak in short, clipped syllables, and translators do their best to follow suit and tend to put her into broad Scots. I don’t know what the American equivalent would be (perhaps Hillbilly), but for my part I would speak her lines in London cockney,587 because Cockneys also go in for swallowing their words in a language that is faster than the King’s English. The same applies to the Spartans.

  TIME AND SETTING

  A street in Athens in the early morning, with the Acropolis in the background. LYSISTRATA is pacing up and down impatiently, and finally bursts out:

  LYSISTRATA: Honestly, if they’d been invited to a Bacchic party

  or a do at Pan’s or those goddesses of fucking, the Genetyllides,

  the streets would be jammed and tambourines at the ready. . . .

  Just look, not a female in sight!

  [She continues to pace, then sees someone approaching.]

  Ah, at last! My neighbor at least.

  Good morning, Calonice.

  CALONICE: And to you, too, Lysistrata. . . . But, my dear,

  what a state you’re in—all tensed up!

  It doesn’t suit you, lovey.

  LYSISTRATA: Calonice, I’m absolutely furious—and with us women. No wonder men think we’re an impossible group.

  CALONICE: Well, aren’t we?

  LYSISTRATA: Asked to come to a crucial meeting of no piffling import,

  and they’re all asleep and don’t turn up.

  CALONICE: They’ll be here all right, my sweet,

  but you know what a business it is to get out in the morning.

  There’s a husband to pack off, a maid to wake up,

  a baby to bathe and give something to eat.

  LYSISTRATA: I know, but some things are more pressing.

  CALONICE: Like what you’ve summoned us to hear?

  Well, I hope what’s pressing is something really big,

  Lysistrata dear.

  LYSISTRATA: It’s huge.

  CALONICE: And weighty?

  LYSISTRATA: God, it’s huge, and God, it’s weighty.

  CALONICE: Then why aren’t they all here?

  LYSISTRATA: Oh, it’s not that; if it were

  there’d be a stampede. No,

  it’s something that sticks in my mind hard as a shaft

  and keeps me from sleeping, though I tease it and tease it

  night after night.

  CALONICE: By now the poor thing must be floppy.

  LYSISTRATA: It’s collapsed,

  which leaves us women to save Greece.

  CALONICE: Us women? Some hope!

  LYSISTRATA: All the same, the salvation of our State rests with us,

  even if it’s the end of the Peloponnese . . .

&nb
sp; CALONICE: Ah! That would be a help.

  LYSISTRATA: . . . and the Boeotians are wiped out.

  CALONICE: Wait a minute, not the eels, please!588

  LYSISTRATA: And I won’t mention the Athenians,

  but you know what I mean. . . . If all us women

  united en masse—Boeotians, Spartans, and us,

  we all together could save Greece.

  CALONICE: What on earth could we women do?

  Anything brilliant and clever is beyond females like us.

  We’re just household ornaments in flaxen dresses

  and negligees you see through,

  all prettily made up and shod in our come-hither trotters.

  LYSISTRATA: Precisely, that’s exactly

  what we’re going to need to save Greece:

  a seductive wardrobe, our rouge, our negligees, and our pretty

  wedgies.

  CALONICE: But what’s it all meant for?

  LYSISTRATA: To stop every living man

  from ever raising a spear against another and . . .

  CALONICE: I’ll have a dress dyed crocus yellow.

  LYSISTRATA: . . . from ever lifting a shield or . . .

  CALONICE: I’ll make myself completely see-through.

  LYSISTRATA: . . . springing a dagger.

  CALONICE: I’m off shopping for new shoes.

  LYSISTRATA: But oughtn’t the women have come?

  CALONICE: They should have flown here long ago.

  LYSISTRATA: I know, sweetie, but they’re Athenians

  and can’t do anything on time.

  No one has exactly raced here

  on the Paralus and Salaminia.589

  CALONICE: All the same,

  I bet they’ve been properly manned and coming

  since early morning.

  LYSISTRATA: Even the women I counted on to be the first to appear

  are not here.

  CALONICE: I happen to know that Theogenes’590 wife

  has been skimming this way at the tip of her plowing skiff.

  But look, here are some more of your ladies.

  LYSISTRATA: And there are others over there.

  [MYRRHINE‡ and a group of ATHENIAN WIVES enter.]

  CALONICE: [wrinkling her nose] Ugh! Where are they from?

  LYSISTRATA: Anagyrus—Stink City.591

  CALONICE: I thought we’d just made someone fart.

  MYRRHINE: [breathless] Lysistrata, I hope we’re not too late.

  [a critical pause]

  Speak, damn it! Say something.

  LYSISTRATA: I do not approve, Myrrhine . . . um . . .

  of people who turn up late when there’s so much at stake.

  MYRRHINE: Dear, I’m sorry.

  Couldn’t find my girdle in the dark.

  But at least we’re here.

  So what’s cooking?

  LYSISTRATA: Wait a bit till the women from Boeotia

  and the Peloponnese appear.

  CALONICE: Right . . . But look, here’s Lampito coming.

  [LAMPITO, a robust young woman, arrives with other SPARTAN WIVES, a CORINTHIAN WIFE, and ISMENIA, a Theban wife.]

  LYSISTRATA: Good morning, Lampito, my Spartan darling!

  How luscious you look! Quite stunning!

  Such clear skin, and that firm body—

  why, you could strangle a bull.

  LAMPITO: By Castor and Pollux,592 that I could. It’s the work I do in the gym, buddy, jump-kicking and bumping my tail.

  LYSISTRATA: [putting out a hand to feel ] My, what marvelous tits!

  LAMPITO: Hey, lovey, you feeling me up for sacrifice?

  LYSISTRATA: And who’s this young lady here?

  LAMPITO: By Castor and Pollux, would you believe it? It’s

  no less than Miss Boeotia?

  MYRRHINE: Miss Boeotia? What a surprise! Lovely as a

  meadow.

  CALONICE: [ gazing at her crotch] Yes, when the hay’s just been cut.

  LYSISTRATA: And this other girl?

  LAMPITO: She’s from Corinth—bit o’ all right

  by Castor an’ Pollux, real cute.

  CALONICE: One can see that, back and front.

  LAMPITO: But who called us all together?

  LYSISTRATA: Me, right here.

  LAMPITO: Pray tell, what for?

  CALONICE: Yes, dear lady, do explain

  what makes this so important.

  LYSISTRATA: Explain I shall, but first I have a small question.

  CALONICE: Then out with it.

  LYSISTRATA: Don’t you all miss your kiddies’ dads

  when they’re at the front?

  I expect that every one of you has a man away from home.

  CALONICE: My man’s been away five months in Thrace—how I miss

  him!—

  keeping an eye on Eucrates.593

  MYRRHINE: Mine’s been seven months at Pylos.

  LAMPITO: As for mine, hardly is he in the door

  when he’s strapping on his shield again.

  CALONICE: What’s more,

  there’s not the shadow of a lover left for us,

  and since the Miletus crisis,594

  not a dildo in the offing.

  That at least would be better than nothing.

  LYSISTRATA: Well, suppose I hit on a way to stop the war.

  Would you be with me?

  CALONICE: Holy Demeter and Persephone! Absolutely,

  even if I have to pawn this blouse

  [sotto voce]

  and spend the proceeds on booze.

  CALONICE: And I’m ready to slit myself down the middle

  like a mackerel and give half to support the cause.

  LAMPITO: I’d clamber to the tiptop of Mount Tagetus595

  just to get a teeny peep at peace.

  LYSISTRATA: Then let me disclose. In a word, dear ladies, to make the men make peace we’ve got to forgo . . .

  CALONICE: Oh, what, please?

  LYSISTRATA: Are you ready for it?

  CALONICE: You bet. Even if death is the price.

  LYSISTRATA: All right,

  what we’re going to have to forgo is—penis.596

  ALL: Oh no!

  LYSISTRATA: Hey, don’t turn away. . . . Where are you off to so dolefully with clamped lips, ashen cheeks, and shaking heads? Will you or won’t you do it? What’s bugging you?

  CALONICE: This is where I stick. . . . Let the war drag on. MYRRHINE: Me, too. I couldn’t for the life of me. Let the war drag on.

  LYSISTRATA: That coming from you, Miss Mackerel, is against the

  odds.

  Weren’t you saying just now that you were ready to slit yourself in

  two?

  CALONICE : Ask for anything else, just anything you like.

  I’ll walk through fire if you want,

  but I simply can’t give up prick.

  Lysistrata darling, there’s nothing to compare.

  LYSISTRATA: And what about you?

  MYRRHINE: Fire for me, too.

  LYSISTRATA: Oh, what a low-down randy lot we are!

  No wonder we’re the subject of tragedies,

  like Poseidon and the Tub of Sophocles:597

  have fun with a god, then dump the brats.

  But, Lampito, Spartan dear,

  even if only you side with me, that’s

  enough for us to make a go of it—so please!

  LAMPITO: Eh, but it’s tough on a woman

  not to sleep side by side with an erection.

  All the same, we do need peace,

  so . . . well . . . oh, all right!

  LYSISTRATA: You perfect darling, the only real woman of the lot.

  LAMPITO: But if we do give up . . . er . . . what you suggest,

  which God forbid, is there any guarantee

  that peace will result?

  LYSISTRATA: By Demeter and Persephone, absolutely! Imagine it: us lolling around all tarted up, our pussies’ sweet little triangles neatly plucked, and we float past
them in our see-throughs, and our men get stiff as rods and want to screw, but we elude them and hold ourselves aloof—why, they’ll sue for peace real quick. That you can bet.

  LAMPITO: Like Meneláus at the sight of Helen’s melons,

  chucking away his sword when he meant to slay her on the spot.598

  CALONICE: I know, darling, but say the men just ignore us?

  LYSISTRATA: That would be like—as old Pherecrates599 said—

  skinning the same dog twice.

  We’d just have to take dildos to bed.

  CALONICE: Substitutes are so disappointing. Anyway, what if they grab us and drag us into the bedroom by brute force?

  LYSISTRATA: Hang on to the door.

  CALONICE: What if they hit us?

  LYSISTRATA: Then give in, but start sulking.

  Men don’t enjoy sex by force,

  and you can get at them by other means.

  Have no fear. They’ll soon kowtow.

  No man’s happy with an uncooperative wife.

  CALONICE: Well, if you two agree with this, we do, too.

  LAMPITO: There’ll be no problem with our Spartan men;

  they’ll agree to a fair and honorable peace,

  but those crazy Athenian roughs—good grief!—

  how does one knock any sense into them?

  LYSISTRATA: Don’t worry. We’ll get them to go along with us.

  LAMPITO: I don’t see how:

  not with triremes all primed for sea

  and bottomless holds of brass in Athena’s treasury.

  LYSISTRATA: That’s all been taken care of now.

  We’re raiding the Acropolis today—

  a job the older women will undertake.

  And while the rest of us carry out our peace work here below,

  they’ll capture the Acropolis up there

  on the pretext of coming to sacrifice.

  LAMPITO: My, but you’ve got it all wrapped up real nice!

  LYSISTRATA: Lampito, in that case

  why don’t we ratify everything right now

  and make it binding with a vow?

  LAMPITO: Yes, a vow: we’re all agog to swear.