by Aristophanes
MEN’S LEADER:
We’ll take off our shirts and give off our manly smell.
A man shouldn’t be swaddled and bound like a parcel.
MEN’S CHORUS: Be Whitefoot630 again and remember How once we toppled a despot. Those were the days we were something. Now to be young again, now to take wing Is what our old carcass requires to slough off this skin.
MEN’S LEADER: If any of us men lets these women
get so much as a toehold, there’ll be no stopping them.
They’ll be building a fleet and launching ships
as fiercely as Artemisia631 against us.
And you can forget about our cavalry once they become
equestrian.
When it comes to riding cockhorse
nothing can match a woman.
She never slips off no matter how hard the ride is—
witness the Amazons632 in the paintings of Mikon,633
astride their chargers in their battles with men.
Our duty is obvious:
grab these pests by their necks and clamp them in the stocks.
[He marches threateningly towards WOMEN’S LEADER.]
ANTISTROPHE
WOMEN’S CHORUS: By Persephone and Demeter, if you molest us I’ll charge you like a sow that’s gone berserk And you’ll run home today with your pubes clipped bare.
WOMEN’S LEADER: Off with our blouses and give forth the scent of our dugs. That’ll show them that we’re ready to rear.
WOMEN’S CHORUS: Come on, someone, attack. It’ll be the end of garlic For you, and green beans. If you dare to utter a word against me, you mugs, I’ll be the beetle that wrecks your couple of eggs.634
WOMEN’S LEADER: You fellows don’t bother me in the least
so long as my Lampito and my Ismenia are alive—
that wellborn Theban girl.
You can’t do a thing against
us even if you manage to contrive
another set of seven decrees;
they’ll only show the loathing for you that people feel,
especially those next door.
Yesterday, when I threw a party
for the girls in honor of Hecate
and asked a girl who means a lot to me—my neighbor,
a genuine Boeotian eel635—
they prevented her from coming because of some bloody decree.
Oh, those decrees of yours. Yuk! Yuk!
Will you never stop passing them until
someone trips you up, lands you flat, and breaks your neck?
[LYSISTRATA emerges from the Acropolis. The next ten lines are a pastiche in mock high tragedy.]
Dear mistress of this ruse and enterprise,
why comest thou from the palace with such doleful eyes?
LYSISTRATA: ’Tis because the feeble heart of woman
sets me pacing because it yearns for man.
WOMEN’S LEADER: Say you that? Not surely that?
LYSISTRATA: In very truth, ’tis that.
WOMEN’S LEADER: How so? Pray tell it to your friends.
LYSISTRATA: ’Twere disgrace to speak it but calamity to keep it.
WOMEN’S LEADER: Conceal not from me whatsoever hurt impends.
LYSISTRATA: The issue I’ll no further duck: we have to fuck.
WOMEN’S LEADER: Holy Zeus!
LYSISTRATA: It’s no use calling Zeus,
and in any case, the fact is thus.
Frankly, I can’t control them anymore.
They’re running off every which way to their men.
I caught the first trying to slip into Pan’s grotto over there.636
The next was doing her best to let herself down
with rope and pulley over the barrier.
And yesterday one of them got on to the back of a sparrow637
and was hoping to make it to Orsilochus’ house of ill fame.
I dragged her off by the hair.
They’re inventing every kind of pretext to go home.
[FIRST WIFE comes running from the Acropolis.]
Hey there! Where are you off to?
FIRST WIFE: I simply must return to the house.
Moths in the closet are after my Milesian woolies,
stripping them to the marrow.
LYSISTRATA: Moths be damned! Get back inside.
FIRST WIFE: I won’t be long, I promise.
Just let me lay them out on the bed.
LYSISTRATA: Don’t you dare do any laying.
FIRST WIFE: So I’m to let my woolies be stripped?
LYSISTRATA: If necessary, yes.
[SECOND WIFE runs out from the Acropolis.]
SECOND WIFE: Heavens above! I forgot to shuck my flax
when I left the house.
LYSISTRATA: So you’re off to shuck your flax? Get back inside.
SECOND WIFE: By Our Lady of Light,638 I’ll return in a trice.
All I want is a little f . . . I mean, shucking.
LYSISTRATA: No, shucking is out,
or they’ll all want a little f . . . I mean, shucking.
[THIRD WIFE runs out from the Acropolis.]
THIRD WIFE: [with hands pressed against her abdomen] Good holy Hileithya,639 go slow on the baby. I can’t have it here.
LYSISTRATA: What nonsense is this?
THIRD WIFE: I’m about to deliver.
LYSISTRATA: You weren’t pregnant yesterday.
THIRD WIFE: But I am today.
Send me home to the midwife at once—
Oh, please, Lysistrata.
LYSISTRATA: [ prodding her] That’s a whopper! What’s in there? It’s hard.
THIRD WIFE: It’s a boy.
LYSISTRATA: What it is is something metallic and hollow. Let’s have a look.
[She uncovers an enormous helmet.]
Silly girl! . . . My word!
You’re pregnant with the helmet of Athena.
THIRD WIFE: I swear it: I really am big with child.
LYSISTRATA: So you’re doing what?
THIRD WIFE: Well, when I began
to go into labor in the citadel here,
I thought I could crawl into the helmet like a pigeon
and have the baby there.
LYSISTRATA: That’s a tall one and it doesn’t wash.
It’s quite clear what you’re doing.
You’ll have to stay here till the helmet’s christening.640
THIRD WIFE: But I have absolutely no wish
to sleep on the Acropolis ever since
I saw the snake that guards the sanctuary.641
[FOURTH WIFE runs out from the Acropolis.]
FOURTH WIFE: Has any of you thought of poor me,
all the long night listening
to the owls going: Toowit toowhoo?642
LYSISTRATA: You wacky women, you miss your men.
Of course you do, and they miss you.
Think of the lonely and lustless nights they’re spending,
Be good girls, have patience
and bear with this a little longer.
It’ll soon be ending, since
there’s an oracle predicting that we’ll conquer,
but only if we stick together.
Look, I have it here: the very thing.
[She produces a scroll.]
THIRD WIFE: Gee! What’s it say?
LYSISTRATA: Silence!
[She begins to read.]
On the day the swallows muster together alone
Away from the hoopoe that chases them,643 away from the cocks,
Then all will be solved and thundering Zeus will turn
Up into down . . .
THIRD WIFE: You mean, we’ll be on top while it’s being done?
LYSISTRATA:
But if there’s any dissension among the swallows’ flocks
And they fly from the holy shrine in search of cocks,
All will say: “Such randy birds as these we’ve never seen.”
THIRD WIFE: Ye gods, that’s blunt enough!<
br />
LYSISTRATA: So, dearest women,
let us go into the Acropolis again.
It would be such a pity to let the oracle down
just because the going’s a little tough.
[All enter the Acropolis.]
STROPHE
MEN’S CHORUS: I’d like to tell you a tale I heard a long time ago When I was only a lad.
Once upon a time there lived a young man by the name of
Meilanion
Who fled to the desert to escape from having to woo.
He lived on a crag
And he had a dog,
And to catch hares
He constructed a noose.
His hatred was such that he never went home again.
That is, he hated women
The same way as us,
So we’re as smart as Meilanion.
MEN’S LEADER: [stepping towards WOMEN’S LEADER] Give us a kiss, haggy dear.
WOMEN’S LEADER: [slapping him] You won’t need an onion to make you cry.
MEN’S LEADER: And I’ll shake a leg and let fly with a kick.
[He pulls up his tunic for action.]
WOMEN’S LEADER: [pointing and giggling at his exposure] My, my! Not a bad forest you have down there.
MEN’S LEADER: [breaking into song] Myronides644 down there was also thick And had a hairy bottom, Phormion,645 too, Which sent their enemies into a panic Whenever they came at ’em.
ANTISTROPHE
WOMEN’S CHORUS: I’ve got a tale I’d like to tell you, too, To go with your Meilanion. Once upon a time lived a footloose man called Timon646
With a face as prickly as a cactus, spawn of the Furies, who
Went his way, this Timon,
Meandering off
And holed up in the desert,
Growling and gruff,
Saying how evil men were and how much he took part
With women’s hatred of them
And that this would never end,
But that he was fond of women.
WOMEN’S LEADER: [advancing on MEN’S LEADER] Like a clip on the jaw?
MEN’S LEADER: [in sarcasm] Now you’re really scaring me.
WOMEN’S LEADER: [lifting her skirt to free a leg] Or would you prefer
a good straight kick?
MEN’S LEADER: With a glimpse of your pussy?
WOMEN’S LEADER: [singing] Old though I may be, It’s not lank and thick. It’s singed and slick.
[LYSISTRATA appears on the walls of the Acropolis.]
LYSISTRATA: [shouting] Hey there, women, join me on the double.
FIRST WIFE: [shouting back] What’s up? Why the shouting?
LYSISTRATA: A man approaches, and in dire trouble.
[A group of women including MYRRHINE crowd around LYSISTRATA.]
He’s obviously inflamed with aphrodisiac desires—
Cyprus, Cytherea, Paphos, all in one647—
I can see by the way he walks he’s a truly upright man.
FIRST WIFE: Where’s he now, whoever he is?
LYSISTRATA: Down by Chloe’s shrine.
FIRST WIFE: Now I can see him. But who is he?
LYSISTRATA: Look hard. . . . Know who he is?
MYRRHINE: Dear God, I do! It’s my husband, Cinesias.
LYSISTRATA: So you know what you have to do.
Set him on fire with pangs of desire.
Tantalize him to the hilt
with “At last we’ll come together . . .
No, no, I have to go.”
Promise him his every want
except what on the wine cup we swore we wouldn’t.
MYRRHINE: I’ll do just that. Have no fear.
LYSISTRATA: And I won’t be far. . . . I’ll help you to stoke up his fire. Now, everyone, disappear.
[The WIVES move out of sight as CINESIAS enters with his SERVANT, who carries a baby.]
CINESIAS: [moaning and groaning] Ouch! Ah! Such pangs! I’m stretched on the rack!
LYSISTRATA: Who goes there,
penetrating our defense line?
CINESIAS: I do.
LYSISTRATA: A man?
CINESIAS: [ pointing to his obvious erection] Of course, a man!
LYSISTRATA: Then off with you.
CINESIAS: Who d’you think you are to order me away?
LYSISTRATA: The watch of the day.
CINESIAS: Then in the name of the gods, do fetch Myrrhine out here to me.
LYSISTRATA: [mimicking] Hark at him! “Do fetch Myrrhine. . . .” Who, pray, are you?
CINESIAS: Her husband, from the town of Screw.
LYSISTRATA: Oh, darling, how d’you do!
Your name’s well known to us and mentioned often.
It trips on your wife’s tongue.
She can’t eat an apple or an egg
without murmuring: “For Cinesias.”
CINESIAS: Ye gods!
LYSISTRATA: I swear by Aphrodite, yes;
and whenever the talk turns to men
your wife pipes up and says:
“Compared to my Cinesias, the rest are nonentities.”
CINESIAS: Really? Oh, do call her out.
LYSISTRATA: Well, got anything for me?
CINESIAS: Yes, yes, of course. Anything you want . . .
Will this do? . . . It’s all I’ve got.
[He tosses her a purse.]
LYSISTRATA: Fine! I’ll come down and get her for you.
CINESIAS: As quickly as you can.
[LYSISTRATA descends from the walls and hurries off.]
I’ve not had a speck of pleasure or of fun
ever since she left the house.
Coming home’s sheer agony.
The place seems like a wasteland to me.
All food is tasteless, too,
and of course, I’m screw-loose and randy as the deuce.
[MYRRHINE appears on the walls and addresses LYSISTRATA, unseen.]
MYRRHINE: I love that man. I really do.
But he’s indifferent to my love—
don’t make me go to him.
CINESIAS: Sweet little Myrrie darling, don’t be dumb. Come down here to me.
MYRRHINE: Come down there? Not on your life!
CINESIAS: You won’t come down? I’m summoning you, Myrrhine.
MYRRHINE: You can summon me all you like but you don’t really
want me.
CINESIAS: Not want you? I’m going crazy without you.
MYRRHINE: I’m off.
CINESIAS: No, stop. Listen to the baby.
[sotto voce as he pinches the infant.]
Come on, you brat, howl for Mommy.
BABY: Mama, Mama, Mama!
[MYRRHINE doesn’t stir.]
What’s come over you? Have you no feelings for the baby?
It’s been three days since he’s been washed or fed.
MYRRHINE: Has it indeed?
I feel sorry his father has such careless ways.
CINESIAS: [peremptorily]
Come down at once, you baggage, to your child. Please!
MYRRHINE: What it is to be a mother! I must go down.
[She descends from the walls.]
CINESIAS: [to himself ] Lord, how she affects me! She seems even younger and sexier than she was before. That look of disdain, that hoity-toity glance, that bristly grace make me want her even more.
[MYRRHINE emerges from the Acropolis and takes the BABY from SERVANT.]
MYRRHINE: Honey, let me hug you! Mommy’s little sweet pea
who’s got such a naughty daddy.
CINESIAS: And such a naughty mommy
who listens to silly women and makes everything so hard for Daddy
and for Mommy.
[He takes a step towards her.]
MYRRHINE: Don’t you dare lay a hand on me.
CINESIAS: Darling, everything in the house—your things and mine—
is all higgledy-piggledy.
MYRRHINE: I don’t give a hoot.
CINESIAS: You don
’t care if the chickens are pecking apart
your precious woolies?
MYRRHINE: Not in the least.
CINESIAS: And when did we last
celebrate Aphrodite’s rites? . . . Oh, come home, please!
MYRRHINE: Not likely!
Not until you men do something to stop the war.
CINESIAS: Right, you’ve made your point. We’ll do just that.
MYRRHINE: Very well, once that’s settled I’ll come home.
Meanwhile I’ve taken an oath to stay here.
CINESIAS: Meanwhile, lie down with me for a bit. It’s been so long.
MYRRHINE: No, thank you. But that doesn’t mean my love’s gone numb.
CINESIAS: You love me? So what’s wrong? . . .
Oh, do lie down, Myrrhie darling!
MYRRHINE: Right in front of the baby? Are you joking?
CINESIAS: Not at all! . . . Manes, take it home.
[SERVANT takes the BABY and leaves.]
So the kid’s out of the way. Now will you lie down?
MYRRHINE: But where, dear one, can it be done?
CINESIAS: Where? Pan’s shrine would be absolutely fine.
MYRRHINE: But where could I purify myself before going back to town?
CINESIAS: The spring of Clepsydra648 would be the best place to wash.
