by Aristophanes
MYRRHINE: But, darling, that would mean breaking my oath.
CINESIAS: Be that on my head. The oath’s a lot of tosh.
MYRRHINE: All right. Let me go and get something to lie on.
CINESIAS: Not necessary. The ground is good enough.
MYRRHINE: So help me Apollo, even if you were the worst man on earth,
I wouldn’t dream of letting you lie on the crude ground.
[She goes into the Acropolis.]
CINESIAS: My, how she loves me! There’s no doubt about that.
MYRRHINE: [returning with a folding cot] All set . . .
Lie down now while I undress. . . . Oh, drat it!
We need a mattress.
CINESIAS: A mattress? I’ll be darned!
MYRRHINE: By Artemis, yes! It’s beastly lying on bare cords.
CINESIAS: Then give us a kiss.
MYRRHINE: There.
CINESIAS: Yummy, yummy! . . . Come back at once.
[MYRRHINE goes into the Acropolis and returns with a mattress.]
MYRRHINE: There we are!
Just lie back and relax while I undress. . . .
Oh, Lord, you don’t have a pillow!
CINESIAS: I don’t need one.
MYRRHINE: But I do.
CINESIAS: By Heracles the Glutton,649 have I got a hard-on!
MYRRHINE: [returning with a pillow] Head up! That’s it!
Have we got everything now?
CINESIAS: You bet! . . . Come here, my little honeypot!
MYRRHINE: Just a minute while I remove my bra . . .
and no reneging on your promise to end the war.
CINESIAS: Zeus strike me dead if I do!
MYRRHINE: Oh, dear, you don’t have a blanket!
CINESIAS: I don’t want a damned blanket. I want a screw.
MYRRHINE: [running off ] And that’s what you’re going to get. . . .
I’ll be back in a minute.
CINESIAS: The woman’ll drive me round the bend with all her
bedding.
MYRRHINE: [returning with a blanket] Up a little.
CINESIAS: I’m up all right.
MYRRHINE: A dash of scent?
CINESIAS: Apollo, no! And I’m not kidding.
MYRRHINE: Aphrodite, yes! Whether you want it or not.
CINESIAS: Zeus above! Make her spill the bottle.
MYRRHINE: Hold out your hand and rub in a little.
CINESIAS: This stuff doesn’t appeal to me at all. It stinks of delayed action, not of sex.
MYRRHINE: Dear me, I must be bats. This is Rhodian.650 I’ve brought the wrong bottle.
CINESIAS: It’ll do, you devastating witch!
MYRRHINE: [dashing out again] Don’t be silly!
CINESIAS: [as she returns with a long elegant bottle] Blast the man who invented perfume!
MYRRHINE: Really? Here, try a little from this bottle.
CINESIAS: Thanks, but I’ve got a bottle of my own, so lie down
and don’t go getting anything else, you bitch.
MYRRHINE: Shan’t! See, I’m shedding my shoes . . .
but, darling, don’t forget—you’re voting for peace.
CINESIAS: Of course.
[She runs off again to the Acropolis.]
Drat it, the woman’s just about finished me.
She’s inflated me, then left me flat.
[He breaks into a mournful little song.]
Bereft of a screw, what shall I do?
Lord, I’m through! What am I at?
The loveliest of the lot has gone.
My poor little cock is all forlorn.
Things couldn’t be worse.
Hey, you pimp out there,
Bring me a nurse.
MEN’S LEADER:
Poor agonized soul! Poor bereft prick!
So hoodwinked and stretched upon the rack!
I’m full of concern for your soul, your balls, your gall.
What loins or crotch could bear so much,
So distended but suspended?
What bad luck—deprived of a morning fuck!
CINESIAS: [shooting a hand to his phallus] Holy Zeus, another spell!
MEN’S LEADER: See what she’s reduced you to, The abominable and beastly shrew.
CINESIAS: No, the most lovable sweetie pie.
MEN’S LEADER: Sweetie pie indeed—she’s absolutely horrid.
CINESIAS: Yes, Zeus, great Zeus, absolutely horrid.
Send a whirlwind, sweep her away,
Up and up like a wisp of hay.
Twirl her high into the sky
Then let her plummet to the earth headlong
On to my upstanding prong.
[A HERALD from Sparta arrives—a young man who like CINESIAS himself shows acute signs of priapism because of the boycott of sex by the women of both Athens and Sparta.]
HERALD: Where’s this ’ere Athenian Senate or Parliament? I got
news.
CINESIAS: [staring at his crotch] And what might you be, a phallic symbol?
HERALD: I’m a ’erald, mate, from the Peloponnese. Come about the truce.
CINESIAS: Truce? With a bayonet in your trews!
HERALD: That ain’t so, by Zeus!
CINESIAS: Ain’t so you’re turning your back,
screening your weapon with your cloak?
Get a bit stiff from hard riding?
HERALD: ’e’s off his rocker is this jerk.
CINESIAS: Got a nice hard-on, you trouser snake?
HERALD: ’aven’t got bleeding nuffin. Give over babblin’.
CINESIAS: [pointing] Well, is that thing yours or what?
HERALD: That there’s a Spartan cipher rod.651
CINESIAS: I’ve got a Spartan cipher rod as well. Ain’t that odd! But let’s come to the point. How are things in Sparta?
HERALD: The ’ole bloody Peloponnese ’as arisen
and all our allies ’ave erected themselves and we’ve sorta
set our ’earts on a bit o’ twat.
CINESIAS: Who brought this affliction on you? Was it Pan?652
HERALD: No. I ’ave some info it was Lampito.
All the Spartan lasses as one
joined ’er from the word go
and refused us men entrance to their pussies.
CINESIAS: And how are you getting on?
HERALD: We’re ’avin’ a ’ard time. We walk about the town
all ’unched up like we was carryin’ lanterns in a gale.
The women won’t as much as let us touch their myrtle berries653
unless we make peace with the ’ole of Greece.
CINESIAS: So this crisis is caused by a worldwide female plot.
Now I understand, so go back to Sparta as quickly as you can
and get them to send plenipotentiaries here to make treaties;
I’ll tell our Assembly they’ve got
to send some special envoys. This prong of mine is witness number
one.
HERALD: I’ll scoot. Yer gumshion, man, is a bloomin’ treat.
[HERALD and CINESIAS go off in different directions.]
MEN’S LEADER: No beast is so ineluctable as womankind,
not even fire. No panther is so fierce.
WOMEN’S LEADER: If that’s not beyond your intelligence,
why must you persist in fighting me, you goose,
when we could be as friend to friend?
MEN’S LEADER: Because my dislike of women knows no end. WOMEN’S LEADER: Have it your own way. Meanwhile I don’t intend to watch you going around half naked.
You’ve no idea how silly you look.
I’m coming over to help you put your shirt on again.
[She steps towards him and does so.]
MEN’S LEADER: Thank you. That was generous of you. I’m flattered. And it was ungenerous of me to take it off and lose my temper.
WOMEN’S LEADER: Now you look like a man once more and not a
comic.
And if you hadn’
t been so mean to me before
I’d have removed that insect from your eye.
MEN’S LEADER: So that’s what’s been stinging me! Do scoop it out and let me see. It’s been annoying me for some time.
WOMEN’S LEADER: I’ll do just that, though you’re a difficult man.
[She comes up to him and twists out a gnat with her handkerchief.]
My God, what a monster you’ve been harboring!
See this? It’s gargantuan!
MEN’S LEADER: Bless you for coming to my rescue.
That thing’s been excavating my eye for ages
and the well it gouges
is now overflowing with tears.
WOMEN’S LEADER: And I’ll wipe them away and kiss you, you old
sod.
MEN’S LEADER: No kisses, please!
WOMEN’S LEADER: I’ll darn well kiss you whatever your fears.
MEN’S LEADER: Then be it on your own head.
You women are by nature such cajolers.
The old proverb didn’t get it wrong.
“We can’t live with the blighters
and we can’t live without them.”
So let me make peace with you then.
I’ll no more mishandle you, and you’ll not be a shrew.
Come, let’s get together and begin our song.
[The two LEADERS join hands and the two CHORUSES become one.]
STROPHE
CHORUS:
Fellows, we do not want to say
Nasty things about a citizen,
Anything slanderous or unbidden.
We’ll do and say quite the reverse:
You’ve got enough upon your plate—
Quite enough that is adverse.
We’d like every man and woman,
If they could do with a penny or two,
To let us know and plainly state
If they’d like some minas, two or three
(We’ve certainly got them on the premises),
As well as the purses to put them in.
And if peace erupts you needn’t repay
The money you borrowed,
Because you never got it anyway.
ANTISTROPHE
We’re getting ready to receive
Some guests from Carýstus.654 They
Are gallant and good-looking men.
We have an excellent soup to give
Them, and there’s suckling pig, the one
We sacrificed, so it’s nice
And succulent; so come to my house
Today. . . . Get up early, bathe,
Bring the brats, and come along.
No need to report to anyone.
Just head for the house and walk right in,
As if you were entering your own home.
That’s the way I want you to behave.
Don’t hesitate.
But the door’ll be bolted when you come.
[The SPARTAN DELEGATES arrive with their SERVANTS. It is clear that the sex boycott has affected them too with acute ithyphallic problems.]
CHORUS LEADER: Here come the envoys from Sparta, stooping
with beards astraggle and wearing
what looks like a fence to confine swine around their middle.
Men from Sparta, how are you doing?
SPARTAN DELEGATE: Cut the twaddle. Yer can see very well ’ow we’re doing.
[They drop their swine guard.]
CHORUS LEADER: My word! What development! What tension!
SPARTAN DELEGATE: There ain’t a word for it. Best not to mention.
Just get some’un to fix up a peace at any price.
[The ATHENIAN DELEGATES and their SERVANTS arrive in similar condition.]
CHORUS LEADER: And here come the Athenians, native born.
They’re also covering their middle with their cloaks,
crouching like wrestlers as if they were nursing acrobatic pricks.
FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: Can anyone tell us where Lysistrata is?
You can see the shape our men are in.
[They open their cloaks.]
CHORUS LEADER: As I thought: the same symptoms,
the same crouching spasms . . .
Are they at their worst just before dawn?
FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: They are. Then we’re in the tenderest
condition
and there’s nothing we can do
except go and fuck Cleisthenes.655
CHORUS LEADER: If I were you I’d cover up. You don’t want any herm dockers656 to spot you.
SPARTAN DELEGATE: By them twain goddesses, chum,
that’s the right step.
FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: Hey there, Spartan, we’ve had a hard time! SPARTAN DELEGATE: Yeah, pal, a real tense time, an’ if them herm fellas saw us fidgeting down there . . .
FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: You’re right, but let’s talk business.
Why are you here?
SPARTAN DELEGATE: Me? I’m a peace delegate.
FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: Good, we’re the same,
so let’s get hold of Lysistrata—no one but her
can settle the peace terms between us.
SPARTAN DELEGATE: By them twain goddesses, yer right,
and why not a Lysistratus, too—what’s in a name?
[LYSISTRATA enters from the gates of the Acropolis.]
No need t’ ask for ’er; she must ’ave ’eard us.
CHORUS LEADER: Welcome, Lysistrata, most dauntless of women!
The time has come to be pliable yet adamant,
high class yet common,
meek yet arrogant,
because the foremost men of Hellas,
dazzled by your glamour, have all come together
and unanimously submit their dissensions to your arbitration.
LYSISTRATA: That’s not difficult if one gets them before their anger
flares into action.
I’ll soon find out. . . . Where’s Reconciliation?
[RECONCILIATION appears in the form of a beautiful girl, completely naked. LYSISTRATA addresses her.]
Handle the Spartans first, dear, and bring them here.
Don’t be rough or bossy with them or boorishly prod
them like our husbands handle us
but with a sweet, homely, womanly touch.
If your Spartan won’t take your hand,
lead him by his lifeline, then fetch
the Athenians and lead them by whatever part they proffer
and bring them here.
[RECONCILIATION proceeds to assemble the SPARTANS and ATHENIANS.]
LYSISTRATA:657
Now, you Spartans, come and stand this side of me,
and, you Athenians, this, and listen carefully.
Yes, I am a woman but I have a mind,
and I know I’m not of mean intelligence.
I’ve common sense. Besides, I’ve sat at my father’s feet
and knelt to the Elders. My education was complete.
Now I’ve got you here I’m going to give you both
the lashing that you’re asking for—the two of you.
At Olympia you go around and are not loath
to sprinkle libations like buddies from the same cup—
as you do at Thermopylae, Pytho, and umpteen places:
and yet when Greece’s enemies are at our doorstep
in barbarian hordes, it’s Greek men and Greek cities
you want to undermine. . . . That’s my first point.
ATHENIAN DELEGATE: [with eyes on RECONCILIATION]
Point indeed! Mine’s bubbling and I’m dying.
LYSISTRATA:
And, you Spartans—I’m talking to you now—do you forget how
your Pericleidas came to us here at Athens
and crouched at our altars in his scarlet trappings,
white-faced and begging us to send a force
to rescue you from the onslaught of Messenia658
after you’d had an earthqu
ake, and also how
Cimon went with four thousand foot soldiers and rescued Sparta?
Do you really want to repay this kindness, after
such generous help, by plunging Athens in disaster?
FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: They couldn’t be more wrong,
Lysistrata.
SPARTAN DELEGATE: [ogling RECONCILIATION]
Perishin’ wrong! Spot on! Eh, but look at that be’ind!
LYSISTRATA: [resuming the iambic trimeter line]
I’m not letting you Athenians off. Need I remind
you how when you were dressed like slaves, the Spartans in
return
came in force and slew the foreign mercenaries
from Thessaly and the partisans of Hippias?659
Or how in that day their one concern
was to help you drive him away so you could again
be free and wear the livery of liberty like free
people instead of the tatters of slavery?
SPARTAN DELEGATE: [still ogling RECONCILIATION]
I ain’t never seen a nattier female.
FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: Ditto. NorIaneater twat hole.
LYSISTRATA: [as if she hasn’t heard ] Well, gentlemen, after all
the nice things you’ve done for one another, must you
persist in fighting? Why can’t you put an end to
such lunacy? What’s wrong with peace, pray tell?
Come on, what’s blocking you?
[SPARTAN DELEGATE and FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE finally do what they’re itching to do. They sidle up to RECONCILIATION and start pawing and fingering.]
SPARTAN DELEGATE: We’re all for it if ye fellas’ll just let go
of this teeny promontory.
LYSISTRATA: What teeny promontory, sir?
SPARTAN DELEGATE: This teeny Pylos gate right ’ere.660 We’d like fur ter squeeze it and go through.
