Aristophanes: The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  at the women’s festival is to filch their baubles.

  MNESILOCHUS: Yeah! Yeah! Jeer away! Pelt me with libels!

  EURIPIDES: [to MNESILOCHUS]

  Lady, who is the old hag that’s covering you in mire?

  MNESILOCHUS: [in mock high tragedy]

  ’Tis the daughter of Proteus, Theonoë.

  CRITYLLA: Excuse me. I’m nothing of the kind; I’m Critylla from Gargettos, the daughter of Antitheus,729 and

  [to MNESILOCHUS]

  you are a first-class rotter.

  MNESILOCHUS: [continuing the mock-heroic pastiche]

  Say what thou wilt, I shall never wed thy brother

  And be disloyal to my husband Meneláus at Troy.

  EURIPIDES: [taking a step towards MNESILOCHUS and looking hard at

  him]

  Lady, what didst thou say?

  Grant me vision of thy visage.

  MNESILOCHUS: [to himself in his natural voice] Not a good idea, with jowls like mine!

  EURIPIDES: [pulling away the veil ] Ah! What can this be? All speech has left my tongue. Ye gods, what a sight to see! Who art thou, my lady?

  MNESILOCHUS: Who art thou, too? My very words to thee.

  EURIPIDES: But thou, art thou Greek or Egyptian born?

  MNESILOCHUS: Greek, but I would know about thyself.

  EURIPIDES: I cannot help but see Helen in thee, lady.

  MNESILOCHUS: And I in thee Meneláus in his seaweed greens.730

  EURIPIDES: Thou hast guessed aright.

  I am that most unhappy man.

  MNESILOCHUS: Come thou at last into thy spouse’s cunt.731 Hold me, hold me, husband, hard in thy embrace And take me, take me with a kiss. Oh take me hence!

  [EURIPIDES begins to lead MNESILOCHUS away but finds the path blocked by CRITYLLA.]

  CRITYLLA: Not so fast! Anyone who tries to remove this man

  will get this flare in his face first.

  EURIPIDES: Dost thou dare to stop me taking this spouse of mine

  to Sparta, the daughter of Tyndareus no less?

  CRITYLLA: Now I realize you’re a rascal, too,

  in league with him, behaving like a damned Egyptian.732

  Well, this one at least will pay the price

  because here come the Prefect and the archer police.

  [EURIPIDES moves out of sight.]

  EURIPIDES: I’d better make off. . . . This won’t do.

  MNESILOCHUS: What, leave me in the lurch, would you?

  EURIPIDES: [calling back] Calm yourself. I’ll never leave you in the lurch while I live and have a few tricks still up my sleeve.

  MNESILOCHUS: Well, that bit of bait didn’t exactly catch a perch.

  [A PREFECT and an ARCHER POLICEMAN carrying a bow and arrow and a whip come on the scene.]

  PREFECT: So this is the wretch Cleisthenes informed me of? You there, stand up straight! . . . Take him away. Tie him to a plank and set it up here where you can watch, and if anyone tries to get near him, use the lash.

  CRITYLLA: Do that, by God, because a moment ago

  some busybody almost got him off.

  MNESILOCHUS: [kneeling before the PREFECT] Sir, good Prefect, by your own right hand, which so often is held out empty for a tip, do me one good turn because I’m on my way to die.

  PREFECT: What kind of turn?

  MNESILOCHUS: You see, I’m an old man,

  so tell the archer to strip

  me naked before he begins to bind

  me to the plank, because I cannot stand

  the idea of dying in petticoats and veils,

  which the vultures would certainly find hilarious.

  PREFECT: The Council’s adamant on your wearing these because

  all this female frippery reveals

  to passersby the depths of your depravity.

  MNESILOCHUS: Shit and damn you, frocks and frills,

  you’ve made my decease a certainty.

  [The ARCHER POLICEMAN leads MNESILOCHUS away and CRITYLLA and the PREFECT both leave.]

  LEADER: During this holy spell let it be as usual. Let us dance and gambol at this women’s festival, celebrating the solemn jamboree of the Double Deities, which Porson733 also does his fasting for, praying with us that year after year they grant us happy returns of this season here.

  CHORUS: Advance for the dance, The circular dance, tripping it lightly Hands buckled to hands, Everyone keeping the beat of the measure. Everyone stepping nimble and brightly. Pick up the rhythm as you can Letting your eye take in as much as your ear.

  STROPHE

  All the while

  Praising the Olympian deities,

  Singing a holy hymn as you whirl

  Swinging a dance of ecstasies.

  ANTISTROPHE

  If anyone

  Imagines that because we are women

  We want to degrade this holy shrine

  By abusing men, he’s out of tune.

  STROPHE

  Let us step out and sing to the god of the lyre, Apollo,

  And to her the champion of bow and arrow,

  Artemis, inviolate lady,

  With far-shooting Phoebus, her brother.

  We ask you both to grant us the victory;734

  And Hera, too, it is right to include in our hymn.

  Mistress of marriage, be our partner

  In every dance: you who hold the key and can win

  A happy wedlock for everyone.

  ANTISTROPHE735

  Let us ask Hermes, too, the shepherd, and also Pan

  And his adorable nymphs to revel

  In these dances of ours if they can

  And even bless them with a smile.

  Therefore let us now begin

  To dance the two-step dance in double time

  With verve and all this dance’s spring.

  Fling yourselves into it, ladies, according to lore.

  It’s well worth fasting for.

  Hoof it high with a leap as you keep to the beat

  And open the throttle of song.

  Lord Bacchus, ivy-crowned, we long,

  Because you love the dance,

  For you to lead us as we deluge you with song

  And frolic and prance.

  STROPHE

  And Euius,736 too, you god of noise,

  Sémele and Zeus’s son,

  You love the dance of the nymphs because

  Singing a song,

  Scrambling along on a mountain prong,

  O Euius, Euius, you

  Join in the dance the long night through.

  ANTISTROPHE

  And the shouts of the nymphs are all around you

  Echoing all through Cithaeron:

  Through the shady deeps of the mountain

  And shadowy trees,

  Resounding through the rocky valleys,

  Where all around,

  Lucent ivies trail upon the ground.

  [The ARCHER POLICEMAN arrives with MNESILOCHUS bound to a plank, which he leans up against the altar.]

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: There y’ar, yer can doe yer ’ollering outsoide.

  MNESILOCHUS: Good archer, I plead with you—

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Now bleeding pleading ’ere.

  MNESILOCHUS: Slacken the clamp, will you?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: [tightening it] ’ow abart that?

  MNESILOCHUS: You’re tightening it, you sod!

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Not ’nuff, ayh?

  MNESILOCHUS: Yow! Blast you, curse!

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Shut yer trap, yer owld piece o’ cheese. Oim foinding a mat to loi on while I got yoe ter keep an oiy on.

  [ARCHER POLICEMAN goes inside to fetch a mat.]

  MNESILOCHUS: What a perfect fiasco Euripides has landed me in!

  [He sees EURIPIDES in the distance coming towards him dressed as Perseus (who rescued Andromeda from the monster) and supposes EURIPIDES to be rehearsing his new play Andromeda and hopes that instead of playing Helen he will now play the part of Andromeda.]737
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  MNESILOCHUS: [as Andromeda]

  You lovely nymphs my loves,

  How shall I ever elude

  This Scythian archer rude?

  Oh songsters in your caves

  Hearken to my cries;

  Deign to let me return

  To my home and spouse:

  I the most tried of mortals

  Ruthlessly enchained,

  Who escaped being a crone

  Only to end

  By this Scythian’s hand,

  Whose gaze he holds

  Fixed on me whom he’s strung up:

  Me so defenseless, all forlorn,

  Doomed to be the vultures’ sup.

  What you see

  Is not a maiden among her peers

  But one chained up and ready to be

  A tasty morsel for Glaucetes.738

  Hymn me, then, a hymn of tears,

  Dear women, not a wedding song

  But a song for prison.

  Unbearable is what I am bearing.

  Pity me, this miserable me!

  How wrongfully has my relative done me wrong!

  How I protested with Stygian bellows

  When he began this man, first to shave me,

  Then dress me up in crocus yellows!

  The final blow was sending me here

  To this women’s sanctum

  Doomed by a fate

  Fixed by some demon

  For me the reprobate.

  Is anyone not appalled to hear

  My litany of complaints and sufferings?

  I wish that a flaming bolt from heaven

  Would exterminate this barbarian.

  It’s no longer a joy to see the flaming

  Beams of the sun when here I’m hung

  Doomed by heaven and throttled by stress,

  Hurtled to the grave at a great pace.

  [Enter ECHO.]739

  ECHO: Greetings, miss,

  methinks the gods should wipe out thy father Cepheus

  for putting you on view like this.

  MNESILOCHUS: And who mightest thou be

  to pity me in my distress?

  ECHO: [dropping the mock-tragic waffle] I’m Echo, a silly mimic

  who sings back whatever she may hear.

  In fact on this very spot only last year

  I personally gave advice

  on the contest ratings to Euripides.

  But to get down to business,

  your job is to bleat pathetically.

  MNESILOCHUS: And you bleat back in reply?

  ECHO: Exactly! You can start. [ECHO slips behind a pillar.]

  MNESILOCHUS: [burlesquing high tragedy]

  O holy Night,

  Lengthy indeed is thy chariot course

  Plying o’er the starry wastes

  Of holy Ether through the awesome realms of the empyrean.

  ECHO: Of the empyrean.

  MNESILOCHUS: Why have I, Andromeda, Reaped more than her fair share of woe?

  ECHO: Of woe?

  MNESILOCHUS: My dismal dying . . .

  ECHO: Dismal dying . . .

  MNESILOCHUS: [in ordinary voice] This old bat’s blithering

  is beginning to get to me.

  ECHO: Get to me.

  MNESILOCHUS: For God’s sake, stop interrupting!

  ECHO: Interrupting.

  MNESILOCHUS: Really, old thing,

  I’ll thank you to stop and let me make some advance

  on my song and dance.

  ECHO: Song and dance.

  MNESILOCHUS: To hell with you!

  ECHO: Hell with you!

  MNESILOCHUS: To hell with you!

  ECHO: Hell with you!

  MNESILOCHUS: What’s the matter with you?

  ECHO: With you?

  MNESILOCHUS: You’re jibbering.

  ECHO: You’re jibbering.

  MNESILOCHUS: Fuck you!

  ECHO: Fuck you!

  MNESILOCHUS: Drop dead!

  ECHO: Drop dead!

  [ARCHER POLICEMAN enters carrying a mat.]

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: [belligerently] Yer said some’ut, mite?

  ECHO: Some’ut, mite?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Oi’ll call the prefects.

  ECHO: The prefects.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Blast yeou!

  ECHO: Blast yeou!

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Where’s it comin’ from, the voice?

  ECHO: The voice?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: [to MNESILOCHUS] Are yer babbling?

  ECHO: Babbling?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Yer’ll be sorry for this.

  ECHO: For this.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: [raising his fist] Yer mykin’ fun o’ me?

  MNESILOCHUS: Heavens, man, it’s not me.

  It’s that slut there.

  ECHO: Slut there.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Slut where?

  ECHO: Slut where?

  MNESILOCHUS: [as ECHO dodges behind another pillar] She’s doing a bunk.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Bunking where?

  ECHO: Bunking where?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Yer gowin’ ter cop it.

  ECHO: Cop it.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Ain’t yer gowing ter stop it?

  ECHO: [whisking behind another pillar] Ter stop it?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: [swinging round but too late] Grab the tart!

  ECHO: The tart!

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: The bloody wench, she ain’t goin’ ter stop.

  [EURIPIDES appears aloft in the guise of Perseus,740 complete with winged sandals and Gorgon’s head.]

  EURIPIDES: [in mock-heroic accents]

  Ye gods, to what barbaric land have I strived

  flying the ether on my wingèd feet, and in my hand

  the Gorgon’s head. Is it to Argos I have arrived?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Yer got Gorgo’s ’ead, the pen pusher?741

  EURIPIDES: [grandly] The Gorgon’s head, I said.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: Roight, Gorgias is what oi said!

  EURIPIDES: [alighting] But lo, what bluff is this? What maiden chained, Beauteous as a goddess, anchored like a ship?

  MNESILOCHUS: Good stranger, pity this poor girl

  and see that she’s reclaimed.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: [to MNESILOCHUS] Cut the cackle, will yer! . . . ’ave the gall to be giving lip when yer dead?

  EURIPIDES: Fair maiden, I am moved indeed

  to see you hanging there.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: That ain’t now mydon ’anging there. That be a dirty owl man, a twister an’ a scoundrel.

  EURIPIDES: Not so, good Scythian,

  that is Cepheus’ daughter Andromeda.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: [lifting up MNESILOCHUS’ dress and pointing] Tyke a peek at that vagoina. It ain’t exactly little!

  EURIPIDES: Give me her hand. Let me clasp the girl. Forgive me, Scythian, all mortal flesh is frail and I for my part am in thrall.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: ’ave it your wy, but left ter mae,

  if yer want to ’ave a bit o’ fun ’n’ gimes

  oi wouldn’t sy nuttin’ if yer got be’ind ’is arse an’ buggered ’im.

  EURIPIDES: Allow me, Scythian, to undo her

  that I may lay her on the nuptial couch and do her.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: If yer pantin’ ter bugger the owl gent

  whoi down’t yer bore a ’ole in the goddamn plank

  and bugger ’im thru that?

  EURIPIDES: I think not. I’d rather have her loose.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: In that cise oi’ll ’ave ter give yer a ’iding.

  EURIPIDES: Nay, sir, I could not care less.

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: What if oi chop yer ’ead off wi this ’ere

  cleaver?

  EURIPIDES: Oh lackaday, would that I were clever Though all wit is waste on this barbarian oaf

  For whom the best of ruses is not enough.

  I must think of something foolproof for a fool.

  [EURIPIDES takes wing.]

  MNESILOCHUS: [shouting after him] H
ey, Perseus, are you leaving me in the lurch?

  ARCHER POLICEMAN: The stinkin’ fox! What a trick to pull! . . . Yoe still ’ankerin’ for a tyste of birch?

  CHORUS: Pallas Athena, friend of the dancer,

  May I ask thee to join in our dance

  Unmarried maiden free of wedlock

  Dynamic in thy potency

  Entitled Keeper of the Key.

  Show thyself. To thee we look,

  Hater of tyrants, we womenfolk

  Call to thee to come with peace,

  Thou who in festivals rejoice.

  And you, Demeter and Persephone,

  Come to the purlieus of ours where men

  Are not permitted to view the divine

  Moonstruck rites that you illumine

  By the light of the torch. Oh do approach,

  You daughters of the Thesmophoria.

  If ever before you heard our prayer

  Now especially come to us here.

  [EURIPIDES arrives dressed as an old hooker and carrying a knapsack and a lyre. With him are ELAPHIUM, a dancing girl, and TEREDON, a boy piper. ARCHER POLICEMAN is still asleep on his mat.]

  EURIPIDES: Ladies, if it pleases you to make peace with me

  once and for all, now is the time; for I am prepared

  never again to say anything about you that’s derogatory.

  Let me make that absolutely clear.

  LEADER: What is the point you’re trying to make?

  EURIPIDES: The fellow here splayed out on the plank

  is my father-in-law.

  If you let me take him away with one

  you’ll never hear me make a nasty remark.

  But if you decline,

  I promise you this: that when your husbands return,

  I’ll let them know what you’ve been up to while they were at the

  front.

  LEADER: All right, we’ll go along with that

  but as for this savage here, you must deal with him yourself.