Aristophanes: The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  to the silliest slapstick,

  Or those who do nothing to ease

  some factional split

  And foster attitudes of peace

  among all folk

  But instead in hope of gain

  add fuel to fire;

  WOMEN’S LEADER: Or a minister who’s a traitor

  to his hard-pressed city,

  And is willing to sell out

  a fortress or a navy;

  MEN’S LEADER: Or a bloody tax collector

  like Thorycion775

  Who is busy cheating Customs

  by shipping items

  From Aegina, such as paddles and cars,

  flax and tar,

  To Epidaurus; or those who are

  financing

  The fleet of our enemies, or anyone

  defecating

  On the offerings to Hecate

  during the

  Dithyrambic songs and dances.

  WOMEN’S LEADER: Or a politician who

  chews off chunks

  Of a poet’s profit just

  because the poet

  Debunks him in a comedy

  during the holy

  Dionysian rituals.

  MEN’S LEADER: To these we shout,

  proclaiming again and again and again,

  yes, three times:

  Keep away from the dance and songs

  of our novices.

  [turning to the CHORUS]

  So we look to you to arouse

  the revel and song

  Of this festival that lasts

  all night long.

  STROPHE

  MEN: Let everyone now proceed

  Into the blossomy lap of the mead,

  Joking away and pounding the ground

  And gamboling

  And making fun of everything

  After a famous breakfasting.

  ANTISTROPHE

  WOMEN: Foot it featly and extoll

  The goddess Athena all the while

  With full-throated chanting, she’ll

  Make doubly sure

  Of protecting our land for ages more

  Whatever Thorycion has in store.776

  MEN’S LEADER: Now let us jubilate in a song of a different

  manner

  and celebrate the queen of the bounteous harvest, the goddess

  Demeter.

  STROPHE

  MEN: Lady Demeter, queen of the wholesome

  Rites of religion, stand beside us

  And keep your choruses from harm

  So we can frolic and dance regardless

  Of what the day offers to come.

  ANTISTROPHE

  WOMEN: I hope you’ll prompt us with many a jest

  And many a serving of serious stuff

  So we can frolic and be at our best

  Throughout the duration of this feast

  And finish the festival with a wreath.777

  MEN’S LEADER: Hold on a sec.

  In your call to song, you’ve got to include the god of youth.

  He’s our dancing mate and on our staff.

  STROPHE

  WOMEN: Illustrious Bacchus, musical genius

  Of songs for the feast days, join our parade

  As we march to the goddess.

  And deign, we pray, to give us an inkling

  Of how you cover the ground with such speed.778

  Escort us, Bacchus, lover of dancers, on our way.

  ANTISTROPHE

  MEN: For you were the one who decreed while laughing

  That my sandals be torn and my garb be worn779

  And money be saved.

  And so you arranged there’d be no fee

  for us to go frisking when we go dancing

  As you escort us, Bacchus, lover of dancers, on our way.

  EPODE

  MEN’S LEADER: A moment ago I caught a glimpse

  Of a mademoiselle ready for fun.

  Her dress was torn and through a chink

  The bonniest tit gave me a wink.

  Escort us, Bacchus, lover of dancers, on our way.

  DIONYSUS: Dedicated pilgrim that I am

  She’s the one I’d say

  With whom I’d like to dance and play.

  XANTHIAS: [gawking] I’m the same.

  MEN: Say, how about us both

  Getting that meathead sorted out,

  Archedemus, who’s still waiting for his second teeth?780

  WOMEN: He’s up there in the highest circles

  Doing well among the brain-dead—

  Bottoms up and first in the fraternity of rascals.781

  MEN: Cleisthenes’ son is also said782

  To be in the cemetery, scratching his arse,

  Clawing away at his mouth.

  WOMEN: In despair, all bent double,

  Moaning and groaning and thwacking his noodle

  All for some fucker-bating youth.

  MEN: Hipponicus’ son—you know what!—

  Callias, is fighting at sea

  In a lionskin made of twat.

  DIONYSUS: [cutting short the rhythmical repartee of the CHORUSES]

  Could you tell us please where Pluto lives?

  We’re strangers and have only just arrived here.

  CHORUS: You haven’t far to go. In fact you’re there

  and needn’t ask again.

  DIONYSUS: [to XANTHIAS] Up with the baggage again, laddie.

  XANTHIAS: [with a groan] The same old groove!

  MEN: Onwards with you now into the blessed circle

  of the goddess in her flowery grove,

  where you’ll gambol and make whoopee

  in the festival dear to heaven.

  So let us go with the girls and the women,

  flourishing the sacred flares for a night of revel.

  STROPHE

  WOMEN: Enter the rosy flowery meadows To frisk in our own peculiar way

  And dance the beautiful dances

  The blessed Fates themselves

  Have arranged for us to dance.

  Yes, dance and play.

  ANTISTROPHE

  MEN: For us is the sun, us alone,

  For us the holy light of day.

  For we are the sanctified ones

  Because our lifestyle is fine

  And we are always kind

  To stranger and common man.

  [They have now arrived outside the portals of PLUTO’s front door.]

  DIONYSUS: How d’you suppose I am to knock? . . . Hmm . . . How do

  they do it here?

  XANTHIAS: Stop dithering. You’re supposed to be Heracles.

  You should copy his fire as well as his attire.

  DIONYSUS: [knocking with his cudgel] Hey, boy! Boy!

  AEACUS:783 [from within] Who’s there?

  DIONYSUS: The mighty Heracles.

  AEACUS: [peering from the threshold] So it’s you,

  you insolent piece of shit! Yes, shit, shittiest shit!

  You beat up our dog, Cerberus,

  and after nearly throttling him dragged him away with you.

  That hound was in my care.

  Now you’re well and truly in the soup.

  The black-hearted rock of Styx confronts you.

  The bleeding peaks of Acheron beetle above you.784

  The greyhounds of Cocytus785 and the dreaded Echidna§

  are ready to rip up your insides,

  and the giant eel of Tartesia

  will squeeze out your lungs. Besides,

  the Theirasian Gorgons will chew your bleeding balls and your

  guts as well.

  I’m off split arse to bring them here

  and give you hell.

  [AEACUS hurries away as DIONYSUS faints.]

  XANTHIAS: My, my, what d’you think you’re doing?

  DIONYSUS: My butt runneth over. Let us pray.786

  XANTHIAS: Get to your feet, you damn fool,

  before anyone sees you.

  DIO
NYSUS: But I feel faint. Do get me a sponge for my . . . my heart.

  XANTHIAS: [leaves and returns with a sponge] Here, use it.

  [He watches DIONYSUS wiping his bottom.]

  Golden gods of Olympus! Is that where you keep your heart?

  DIONYSUS: Can’t help it—it got a fright

  and skedaddled down to my behind.

  XANTHIAS: You’re the most abject coward, human or divine.

  DIONYSUS: Me, a coward, just because I asked for a sponge?

  I’m the bravest man alive, bar none.

  XANTHIAS: What would someone else have done?

  DIONYSUS: A coward would have lain sprawled in his stinking mess,

  but I not only raised myself but sponged myself clean.

  XANTHIAS: By Poseidon, how manly!

  DIONYSUS: You can say that again! But weren’t you in a funk after that stream of threats and abuse?

  XANTHIAS: It never entered my head, by Zeus!

  DIONYSUS: In that case, since you’re such a manly man, be me and take this cudgel, oh, and the lionskin, too.

  Since you’re so indomitable

  I’ll be your errand boy—that’s you.

  XANTHIAS: Fine, hand them over. That’s an order.

  [He drops the bags, puts on the lionskin, and seizes the cudgel.]

  Now take a hard look at Heracanthias

  and see if he turns out to be a wimp like you.

  DIONYSUS: [looking him over] Ha! The spitting image

  of a whipped slave from Melite787. . . . Now let me pick up the

  baggage.

  [A MAID comes out of PLUTO’s palace.]

  MAID: [addressing XANTHIAS] Heracles darling,

  is it really you? Do come in.

  As soon as the goddess heard that you were here,

  she set to baking bread, bringing

  two or three cauldrons of lentil soup to the simmer,

  not to mention barbecuing an entire ox.

  Rolls and cakes are in the oven,

  so do come in.

  XANTHIAS: No, but thanks.

  MAID: Nonsense, I’m not going to stand by and let you disappear. . . . Chicken casserole is on the bill of fare, and there are toasted pasties and a lovely sweet wine, so come on in.

  XANTHIAS: [nervous of being detected as a fraud] Thanks, but I’m doing fine.

  MAID: Get along with you! I’m not letting you off so easily. Besides, the piper girl in there is stunningly pretty, and there are two or three dancing girls as well.

  XANTHIAS: Dancing girls? Really?

  MAID: Yes, perfect buds . . . ready for the cul,

  so come on in. . . . The cook’s just taking the fish off the grill

  and they’re setting up the tables.

  XANTHIAS: Great! Tell those dancing girls I’m not just coming but coming right in.

  [turning to DIONYSUS]

  Boy, hoist those bags and bring them along.

  DIONYSUS: Hold on a jiffy.

  D’you mean to say you’re taking literally

  our little game of dressing you up as Heracles?

  Now look here, Xanthias, pick up our stuff

  and stop acting daft.

  XANTHIAS: Really? So all that jaw you gave me was just bluff?

  DIONYSUS: Bluff, indeed? Just watch me. Take that lionskin off.

  [He seizes the lionskin.]

  XANTHIAS: Witnesses, do you see what he is doing? I appeal to the gods.

  DIONYSUS: Gods, did you say? How theologically illiterate! And how presumptuous of you to imagine that you could be Alcmene’s son!788

  XANTHIAS: [letting go of the lionskin and cudgel] Take the damn things. A day may come, God willing, when you’ll need a Heracles again.

  STROPHE

  CHORUSES: There’s something fine about a man Of resource and steady aim Who’s traveled far and voyaged the main But shifts to the present from where he has been. As he moves to the easier side of the ship

  And is not clamped to the same strip

  Like some dullard in a frame

  But knows how to roll with the roll

  As he moves to the side of greater ease.

  That’s the mark of a clever soul:

  Just like Theramenes.789

  ANTISTROPHE

  DIONYSUS: Wouldn’t it be a funny thing

  If Xanthias, who’s only a slave,

  Were caught in a twirl and wallowing

  As he kissed a dancing girl

  But had to break it off to pee?

  I’d be there as voyeur, you see,

  Twiddling my willie like a stave.

  But when he sees a fellow lecher,

  With his fists he lets go

  Landing a punch full on my jaw

  And knocking out my chorus row.

  [A BISTROKEEPER with her MAID enters, shouting.]

  BISTROKEEPER: Plathane! Plathane! Come at once. That ruffian’s here—

  the one who came to my inn and downed sixteen loaves.

  PLATHANE: [entering with her MAID and seeing XANTHIAS, still dressed as

  HERACLES]

  Great Zeus, it’s him!

  XANTHIAS: Someone’s under fire.

  BISTROKEEPER: But that’s not the only thing. The bum

  put away twenty-five orders of stew.

  XANTHIAS: Somebody’s in for it.

  BISTROKEEPER: And garlic galore.

  DIONYSUS: Balls, madam! You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?

  BISTROKEEPER: You didn’t think I’d recognize him, did you, Not in that Herculean topboot attire? And I haven’t totted up the fish course yet.

  PLATHANE: Nor the fresh cheeses he gobbled up—you poor thing!—

  even what they were wrapped in.

  BISTROKEEPER: And when he was confronted with the bill

  he looked daggers at me and let out a yell.

  XANTHIAS: But that’s his character. He’s like that everywhere.

  BISTROKEEPER: And he unsheathed his sword, like a madman.

  PLATHANE: You poor, poor thing!

  BISTROKEEPER: We were so frightened we bounded up to the attic,

  and he ran off taking our mattresses with him.

  XANTHIAS: That’s also in character.

  BISTROKEEPER: But we ought to do something about this—

  something emphatic.

  [to her MAID] Go and fetch my patron here, Cleon.790

  PLATHANE: [to her MAID] And you go and get mine,

  Hyperbolus,791 if you can find him.

  We’ve simply got to squash this bounder.

  BISTROKEEPER: [to XANTHIAS] You dirty swine! I’d like to take a boulder and bash in those teeth of yours that gorged me out of house and home.

  PLATHANE: I’d like to fling you into the hangman’s pit.

  BISTROKEEPER: And I’d like to carve up your gizzard with a cleaver.

  That would teach you to tuck in to my sausages. I’m all set

  to find Cleon.

  This very day he’ll issue this fellow with a writ

  and wind the guts out of him.

  [BISTROKEEPER and PLATHANE leave with their MAIDS.]

  DIONYSUS: Boiling oil’s too good for me if I don’t love you, Xanthias.

  XANTHIAS: I know what you’re thinking, I know,

  so don’t go on—just don’t.

  I won’t be Heracles again no matter what you say.

  DIONYSUS: Xanthias, please don’t be that way.

  XANTHIAS: Ha ha! “A mere mortal of course

  and a slave simply can’t be Alcmene’s son.”

  DIONYSUS: I know you’re cross with me, I know, and you have good

  reason,

  and even if you landed me a hefty blow I’d not object; and I swear

  that if ever again

  I try to deprive you of all that lionskin gear

  I’m ready to suffer an excruciating death and total extinction

  together with my wife, my kids, and dim-eyed Archedemus.792

  XANTHIAS: All
right, I accept your oath

  and you can put me back in harness.

  STROPHE

  MEN: Since you’ve taken on the job Of dressing up as Heracles As before, you mustn’t gibe At showing his martial spirit again. Don’t forget you are the god Whose camouflage you’ve taken on. You must display his fiery mien. But if you’re spotted dithering And coming across like a sod You’ll be loading up and carrying All that baggage once again.

  ANTISTROPHE

  XANTHIAS: Not a bad suggestion, men. The same had just occurred to me Just a little while ago. One thing’s for sure: that presently, For what it’s worth, he’ll have a go

  At taking back my garb again.

  Don’t you worry. I’ll have you know

  I’ll display a warlike front

  And in my eye a caustic glint.

  That is what I’m aiming for. . . .

  But there’s someone at the door.

  [AEACUS with two SERVANTS comes blustering in.]

  AEACUS: [making for XANTHIAS] Quick, get hold of that dog snatcher on the double and give him what for.

  DIONYSUS: Here it comes!

  XANTHIAS: [showing his fists as the two SERVANTS advance] Touch me if you dare and I’ll see you both in hell.

  AEACUS: You want knuckle games? [He calls into the house.] Ditylas! Sceblyas! Pardocas!793 Get yourselves out here and fight this rascal.

  [Three tough-looking ARCHER POLICEMEN appear and straitjacket XANTHIAS.]

  DIONYSUS: Isn’t it scandalous the way this stinker

  robs people and then beats them up?

  AEACUS: Quite beyond the pale!

  DIONYSUS: Shameful!

  XANTHIAS: So help me heaven and I hope to die

  if I’ve ever been here before or ever gone off