They’ll just send Jessa back, Heart, I convinced myself. She was the one who’d called the ambulance and then threatened the paramedics unless they let her come. Yes, that would be good. I needed someone who loved me right now.
The sound of the door opening startled me, but I wasn’t sure if my lethargic muscles jumped or if it was just in my head.
The nurse walked in first; Dr. Rohatgi said that he would be back later to check on me. I tried to coerce a brave smile to my face and it slowly complied—until it wasn’t Jessa that followed the nurse in.
It was Nick.
Not that there was much else in the room, but it all disappeared except for him.
Was I hallucinating? Because of the meds?
That had to be it.
I looked for the nurse again to ask her, but she was gone, the door slowly clicking shut and leaving me in the room with my heartbreaking hallucination.
“Nick?” His name came out a hoarse, breathy whisper through my chapped lips as my forehead scrunched, unwilling to let myself believe he was really here.
“Tammy.”
He was real.
I blinked and he was next to the bed, pulling one of the chairs up to the edge so that he could sit and not tower over me.
“Christ, Priss, you scared me. God, I thought… I thought—” he broke off as his head fell and he pinched the bridge of his nose.
My heart was fluttering—hope lifting up all its little shattered pieces, begging to be put back together. But I couldn’t hope. I knew what I saw, and I remembered what he said. I could hope for a lot of things from this room—but not for him.
“Nick,” I said softly. “What are you doing here?”
Stormy white eyes flew to mine.
“I need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Tam,” he rasped painfully. “I need you to know that nothing that you saw and nothing that I said was real—”
“I don’t understand,” I said thickly as my traitorous heart thumped heavily with the growing seeds of hope. “Then why would you say them?”
He winced like I’d hit him, but I needed to know. His hands locked tightly in front of him as he spoke. “Eliza showed up demanding money—blackmailing me for money. She planted drugs in the house and she threatened to not only report me for having drugs on the premise, but she threatened to tell them that I had taken Lila and left the state and that I had lied to child services about why I hired you—that I hired you because I was sleeping with you.
“How did she even know that we went…?” I whispered in confusion.
He shook his head. “It’s a fucking mess. The short version? Lila’s mother, Eliza Blackman, has been my stepfather’s mistress for a while now. When she put two and two together about who he was to me, they decided to try to prevent me from being released in order to keep control of my finances. In addition to spending a lot of money on her, Stone basically lost all of his money and all of my mother’s inheritance from my father at the gambling tables. He was desperate.”
“Oh my God…”
“They hired this shady security firm to spy on me, to find something to use against me—that’s how she knew about Wyoming. And that’s how they found out about my investments,” he continued. “Where it fell apart was that Eliza didn’t know that Stone was broke until they tried to repo the car he bought her. She wasn’t here because she cared or really wanted Lila, and she certainly wasn’t with Stone because she cared or wanted him.” He let out a harsh laugh, shaking his head.
“They had people spying on you?”
He nodded. “And on you.”
I shivered at the thought.
“So, Eliza came over that day to basically cut Stone out of the equation. She tried to blackmail me into giving her two million dollars. I… I didn’t know the whole story at the time. I only knew that she’d planted drugs, that she was threatening to not only take my daughter away from me but also threatening to ruin you and your career—everything that you worked for. And, knowing her, even if I gave her the money she would do that out of spite if she thought I cared about you. So, I needed to get you out of there as quickly as I could, and I needed to do it without her knowing that you meant something to me—let alone how much.”
I stared dumbly at him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Could this be true, Heart?
“She blackmailed me into kissing her, Tam. I swear to God, I would rather cut my lips off than willingly kiss that bitch ever again,” he swore vehemently. “It was only this morning that my own private investigator was able to put all the pieces together for me. And now it’s over; they’re both gone and never coming back here unless they want to face jail time.”
“Oh, Nick… I’m so sorry,” I murmured. After everything he’d already been through, he didn’t deserve any of this.
“Don’t you dare apologize to me, Priss,” he rasped harshly. “I’m here to apologize to you even though the words will never be enough. I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I had to lie to you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you.” He paused and I watched him wipe a tear from his eye. “But most of all, I’m sorry that I caused you to doubt how I feel about you because you are my moon, Tamsin Lucas. And I love you.”
My hand crept over my mouth with surprising speed, hearing the words I no longer thought were coming.
“I do. So fucking much, Tammy. I love you. And for so long.”
Tears dripped down my face like an IV of emotion.
“Nick…” My voice wobbled his name.
As though he couldn’t stop himself, his hand reached out and the warm pad of his thumb brushed over my cheek to wipe away my tears.
“I know it’s not enough. After what I said to you. I was just so fucking afraid, Tammy. I couldn’t let her hurt you. I couldn’t let you suffer because of me.” His voice broke and he cleared his throat to strengthen it again. “And after all that, you end up here because of me. This is all my fault.”
“Nick!” I exclaimed with a force that surprised us both. “No, absolutely not.” I shook my head. “This is not your fault.”
“It is, Tammy,” he insisted. “I need to take responsibility for my choices. If I hadn’t said those things and made you so upset, this never would have happened.”
I shook my head vehemently. “No, Nick. It would have—and you can even ask my doctor if you don’t believe me. I’d been having worsening pains for a week, but I just kept writing them off because of my period and then because I was already going in for surgery. I should have told him at my last appointment, but I didn’t. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”
He gave me a hard stare because I knew he wanted to punish himself for this. I could see how much hurting me had hurt him; he thought he deserved the blame. And some of it, maybe he did. But not for this.
“I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you, Priss,” he said hoarsely, reaching for my hand and holding it in his. “I know it’s not fair and I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m begging you to forgive me.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears as they slid down my cheeks. This was the very last thing I expected to happen when my eyes opened this morning—and it was the only thing my broken heart had hoped for.
“This wasn’t what I planned,” he continued. “I’d thought I’d come in here and apologize, tell you that I love you, and then respectfully walk away after how I treated you. But I can’t… I can’t fucking do that, Tammy, because I need you. So if you want me to go, you’re going to have to say it and convincingly because I love you and I don’t want to live without you.”
I was full-blown sobbing on the inside while I tried to frantically wipe away the tears with the one hand that was still free.
“If home is where the heart is, then my whole life I’ve been homesick for you, Tamsin Lucas.”
I choked on a sob, still afraid that this was still just some side-effect of the drugs in my system.
“So, I’m begging not just for your forgiveness, but for you to be mine
… to be ours. Forever.” He pulled my hand to his lips, kissing each knuckle gently as his gaze held mine.
All of the pieces of my heart flew back together.
“I-I don’t know how you think I could send you away after that,” I managed to get out with a shaky laugh. “I love you so much, Nick.”
I watched his mouth tighten, overcome with emotion, before he pressed his lips back to my hand and spoke again.
“And I want you to know that whatever happens, I don’t care if we have kids. I just care that I have you. So it can stay the three of us. Or we can adopt ten kids if that’s what you want. As long as I have you, Priss…”
I didn’t know what he said after that or if he said anything because I burst into sobs. I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell him… but my heart was exploding in a way that should have made him think that tears were going out of style. He let out a soft curse and scooted into the bed next to me.
I curled immediately into his warmth. Home. And he kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, and the trail of tears until my body finally stopped shaking.
Turning my face to his, I finally managed to speak. “Nick, they were able to remove all of the cancer,” I murmured. “And they only had to take out one of my ovaries…”
I waited for understanding to dawn on his face before continuing. “I still… it’s still not easy for me to get pregnant because of my endometriosis and now having only one… but it’s possible. I still have one, so it’s possible…”
The smile he gave me curled my toes as he pulled me closer and pressed his lips to mine.
“Whatever happens, happens. As long as I have you… there is nothing in this world that could make me love you less, Tammy. Nothing,” he said softly. “You are perfect.”
“Not almost?” I teased softly with a smile that grew bigger with every beat of my heart.
His finger tipped my chin up as he shook his head and his eyes bored into mine. “Now, you are mine.” He lightly kissed my lips and I leaned in, wanting more. “Trapped in my chaos.”
Smiling against his lips, I returned, “I think I’ve come to realize that I’m more comfortable in chaos. Your chaos. Our chaos.”
“I love you.” His teeth pulled on my lower lip and I moaned. The hospital setting instantly disappeared from around us and it was just him and me with too many clothes between us.
Yeah, Prim and Proper Tammy was long gone, I thought as his tongue slid across the seam of my lips.
“I love you, too,” I whispered back, opening my mouth to let his tongue inside. He licked heat into my body
We both pulled apart and turned at the light knock on the door. When it opened, I lay in shock once again at the people who poured through it. My parents. My siblings. My best friends.
“Mammy!” Lila exclaimed, jumping down from Kat’s arms and running to the side of the bed. Nick picked her up and carefully set her between us. “Are you okay?” she asked, her face scrunching with concern.
“I’m feeling much better,” I replied, gently rubbing her head.
“Are you coming home with us? Are you going to be my mommy?”
“Do you want me to be?” I asked.
She nodded vigorously. “More than I want popsicles.”
“Wow!” I exclaimed, trying to hold back another wave of tears. “You must really like me a lot, then.”
“No, Mammy.” She grinned. “I love you.”
Her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and I held on for dear life.
“I love you, too, Lila,” I whispered as Nick held us both, looking like he held the whole world in his arms.
Minutes later, I was swarmed by the rest of the people that I was blessed to love and have in my life. Happy tears, relieved laughter filled the room and painted the white walls with all of the love and happiness that would be a part of my future.
“Don’t ever do that again,” Jessa said, climbing right next to me on the hospital bed and pulling me into her arms. “Ever.”
Ally climbed in on the other side and then burst into tears. The youngest out of the three of us, she’d lost her high school sweetheart to a surfing accident, moved here only to have her brother disappear, and then almost lost the love of her life. I knew what hearing I was rushed to the hospital must have done to her—and if I didn’t, I could see it now.
I hushed her and awkwardly rocked us against the bed.
“I’m okay, Ally. It’s okay,” I said softly, looking up and catching Nick’s eye. He mouthed ‘I love you’ and my whole body flushed all over again.
“I t-thought… Jessa c-called and I-I thought…” she sobbed again.
“I know, Al, I know. But I’m here and I’m fine. I’m better than fine. Don’t worry, sunshine, I wouldn’t leave you with just Jessa,” I said with a watery laugh.
“Hey! I almost drop-kicked an EMT for you!” Jessa replied, playfully swatting my arm
I winced as the bed moved with her, feeling a twinge of pain. They didn’t see it, but Nick did.
“Alright, I think we should let Tammy rest,” he said, looking like he was about to throw my best friends from my side to make sure that I was okay.
And Chance and Emmett looked like they were ready to set on Nick if he so much as touched their women.
“Nick,” I heard my mom say. “We’re going to go grab some lunch at the cafeteria. We’d be happy to take Lila with us, if you’d like.”
And give Nick and me some privacy.
“I think she’d love that,” he said hoarsely as my mom wrapped him in another hug before coming over to kiss my head again.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said softly.
“You know I’d do anything for you, baby,” she replied. “I’m so happy for you. What did I tell you, Tamsin Lucas? Your heart is far too big to try to fill it only with the thought of having your own kids. There are too many people who love you and even more just waiting for your love out there.” She kissed me again and then went to wrangle the rest of her children, getting all of their names wrong except for Lila.
And much more slowly than it had filled, hugs and kisses were followed with retreating footsteps as the room slowly cleared to leave only Nick and me again.
He sat back on the bed, carefully pulling me against his chest. My eyes drifted shut because that’s what happens when you are living in a dream right?
“You broke all my rules,” I said softly.
“I’m not sorry,” he said, and I felt his chest rumble with a laugh. “But I promise I’ll make it up to you in all the best ways.”
I moaned softly, rubbing my foot up and down his leg.
“But not until you are better. I’m not fucking you in a hospital bed,” he said sternly, but then added with a groan, “No matter how much I want to.”
I bit my lip. “So, then, what are you promising me, Nick?”
“Everything. Forever,” he said as his hand rubbed up and down the side of my arm.
“I take it that means you fell hard for me?”
“You could say that,” he replied with a hoarse laugh. “I’d say I fell in too deep for you, Priss… way too deep.”
In too deep. In love.
In the middle of my chaos, I found her.
The purest soul that only let her speak with love. But she didn’t speak from her lips, she spoke from her heart. And she didn’t just speak it, she screamed it from within.
She was the beacon of calm in my cascading world.
She was perfect.
And now, she was mine.
“I can feel no sentiment of approbation inferior to love.”
—Jane Austen, Sense & Sensibility
Two months later
“ARE YOU POOPING, MAMMY?”
My eyes jerked up to the bathroom door of Open Hearts on hearing Lila’s voice from the other side. She still sometimes called me ‘Mammy,’ especially at the daycare, but usually called me ‘Mommy’ once we got back home.
“No, honey. I’ll be right out,” I replie
d warmly even though I was still completely distracted by the plastic in my hand.
Even though things had calmed down significantly in the past two months, there was a different kind of chaos that had been wrapping around my life.
I recovered pretty quickly after my surgery even with the chemo that continued for a few short weeks after. I think it was mostly because Nick was by my side the whole time making sure I didn’t want for anything.
Well, by my side was putting it mildly… he brought me back to the guest house with the firm declaration that I was moving in until we found a new place. After everything that had happened at his family’s mansion, he couldn’t stomach the thought of continuing to live there and my apartment wasn’t big enough to for the three of us. So, we used the few remaining weeks of his parole to search for a new house—one that ended up being about twenty minutes from Aspen and surrounded by pastures and complete with a red barn. Of course, Lila thought that this was all in preparation for the pony that she was still asking for.
As soon as he passed his parole hearing with flying colors, Ally and Jessa, Channing and the guys, helped us move to our new home, in the first snowstorm of the season no less. Nick had insisted that I decorate and order whatever furniture I wanted because only I apparently ‘knew how to make a house feel like a home.’ At the end of the eventful day, we celebrated with a huge Italian meal that Wyatt cooked up, sitting on chairs and using moving boxes as a table since the dining set hadn’t been delivered yet.
Later, Nick and I celebrated alone. Several times.
And I was still processing the result of one of those times as the double lines on the pregnancy test stared me in the face.
I hadn’t been feeling all too well the past few weeks, but of course, I thought I was just recovering from chemo and maybe coming down with the unavoidable season-changing cold. Then, I missed my period and even though that was a potential consequence of my surgery and everything my body had gone through after, I was still going to rule out all other possibilities.
Only, it looked like this possibility wasn’t going to be ruled out.
I was pregnant.
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