by Mercer Scott
She doesn’t turn to look at me. “I guess… I just I didn’t trust myself.”
“Why don’t you trust yourself?”
She bites her lip and looks out at the ocean. “That’s a long story.”
“I have time.” I let the words hang between us. Hoping that she knows I’m here to listen. Dying to listen, in fact.
“I guess maybe I need some more of it.”
“You’ve got it. But you’re going to have to tell me at some point. And Natalia?” I pause waiting until she turns away from the ocean to look back at me.
“I’m not him.”
She smiles sadly up at me. “I don’t think you are. But, I’m still me.”
I have no idea what that means. But I get that she doesn’t want to talk about it. At least, not yet. We went from tears and a near public brawl last night to holding hands and making out on the beach this morning. That’s definitely progress. So, I’ll take it. Because I’m not letting her go anytime soon.
“And you’re willing to give me a shot?”
She gives me a skeptical look. “A shot at what exactly?”
“Convincing you that I’m not him. That I’m not any of them.”
She bites her lip and nods at me. “Don’t screw it up, Cooper.”
I let out a holler of laughter. “Women like me, and I’m going to convince you of that if it’s the last thing I do.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“Get ready for the full Cooper Hamilton dating experience. You’ll be proposing to me in a week.”
“Proposing to you? Want to bet?”
“Never bet against the house, Natalia. The house always wins.”
Leaning down, I take her lips again and use my tongue to make her forget about any man that isn’t me.
Chapter Twelve
Natalia
Cooper Hamilton is driving me crazy! But that’s nothing new. He’s been driving me crazy since the first moment he ran me down at the veterans’ hospital.
But this particular reason for driving me crazy is that he’s not trying to drive me crazy. It’s been three weeks since the night of the eighties dance. Three weeks of the full Cooper Hamilton dating experience. Three weeks of dates, romantic dinners, and sunset walks on the beach. The sunsets. Oh my god, the sunsets! It’s too much. Because it’s not enough. Not nearly enough. Cooper hasn’t done anything more than kiss me in three whole weeks. He hasn’t even tried to. I’m tired of taking it slow. I want Cooper. I want him way too much not to have him right now. Tonight. I want him so much it’s pissing me right off. He is pissing me right off!
I could try to burn off some of this pent-up sexual frustration. I could vent to my friends about it. I could even try to talk to Cooper about it. But I’m not going to do any of those things.
Oh no. No way! I’m going over to Cooper’s beach house to give him a piece of my mind. Maybe several pieces of my mind.
I borrowed Lara’s Porsche, and with every mile I drive down the highway, I’m getting angrier and angrier. I’m practically seething by the time I pull up to Cooper’s little house on the beach. He’s never even invited me over to his house before, but I know where it is because we had to pick something up here once on the way to a committee meeting. Who dates someone for three weeks and doesn’t even see inside their house? Whatever little evening Cooper has planned for himself, I’m about to ruin it. He has no idea that a hurricane of anger is about to pounce on him. That thought makes me exceedingly happy.
I stomp every single step from the car right to Cooper’s front door. And then I knock on the door so hard that my fist hurts. “Cooper Hamilton, I know you’re in there!” I don’t stop knocking until the door opens, and Cooper is standing in front of me.
He’s barefoot, wearing a pair of ripped jeans and one of his dumb t-shirts. This one says I’m with stupid and has an arrow pointing down to his penis. Well, that’s fitting. Because apparently his penis is extremely stupid because it doesn’t realize that I’m right here, ready and waiting. He’s so handsome I want to lick his face.
“Damn you, Cooper Hamilton! Who the hell do you think you are?”
“Natalia? Hey, babe. What’s wrong?” Cooper asks, glancing frantically around behind me on high alert.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong? How can you even ask me that?” I demand.
“Uh, because I have zero clue what’s going on. You appear to be pretty pissed right now. But I haven’t seen you since yesterday. And you weren’t pissed like this when I dropped you off after dinner last night. Did I forget Zariah Ferré’s birthday or something? Because I swear you told me that was in the fall.”
“Zariah doesn’t acknowledge the passage of time, and her birthday is September twenty-third!” I shout at him. “And you have no idea how pissed I am!”
“Pretty sure I do. Because news flash, you’re not exactly great at hiding what you’re thinking. I can tell your mood the second I look at you…” Cooper reaches out and runs his thumb down my jaw. “Have I told you lately how much I like looking at you?”
“Oh, you do, do you? Well, that’s the first I’m hearing about it!”
“What are you talking about? I tell you how pretty you are every day.” Cooper scratches the top of his head. He looks confused, and somehow that makes me feel a bit better. But not much.
“Well, you don’t show it!”
“What? I can’t get enough of you. Remember that time when I hung around and kept trying to make you like me? Because that’s every day. If there’s one of us that doesn’t show it, it’s you.”
Narrowing my eyes at him and crossing my arms over my chest, I realize that he may have a point there. I’m pretty sure I gave him the impression – or I may have explicitly told him, who can remember? – that I wanted to take things slowly. But I guess we have different ideas of what slowly is. Mine is an entirely sensible few weeks to get to know each other better. Cooper’s idea of slow is obviously glacial creep.
“So, you haven’t been trying to drive me crazy?”
“Doesn’t seem like I need to try-”
“Did you just call me crazy?” I demand, my anger surging again.
“Sorry. I heard it as soon as I said it. That’s not what I meant. I meant that we’ve been driving each other crazy since the moment we met. There’s something between us that doesn’t seem like it needs much help.”
Cooper reaches out and tugs on my arm.
“You came all the way over here. Are you really going to stand outside my front door yelling at me all night? Come in, I’m making dinner. I’ll pour you a glass of wine, and you can explain to why you’re so damn pissed… in a way that I can understand.”
Yup, that does it. The man is calm and rational when I’m standing here like a banshee yelling at him. He cooks, and he offers me wine. I need to have sex with him. Tonight.
I let Cooper tug me inside the doorway and then all the way into the little kitchen of his fifties bungalow. It’s small and sparsely decorated with stuff that doesn’t seem like he’s lived here long. But I guess he’s only been here since he was released from the hospital.
“Sit. Let me get you that wine. Definitely looks like you could use it.” Cooper flashes me a wary smile and leaves me stewing in the remnants of my anger and my embarrassment over showing up here and shouting at him on his doorstep. Thankfully, Cooper doesn’t have any neighbors nearby who could have heard me.
Cooper starts humming to himself while he pours us both a nice, deep pour of red wine. Then a pot starts to clatter and boil over on the stovetop.
“Shit!” Cooper shouts as he grabs an oven mitt to take the lid off. He turns down the heat and gives the pot a stir, before deeming the situation under control. Then he picks up our glasses and walks over to me, handing me mine with a sheepish smile. “Full disclosure, I’m not the best cook.”
“Really? Because everything seems totally under control in here,” I tell him smiling. Cooper, smiling at me and cooking me dinner is enough to make me forg
et any anger or embarrassment still hanging around in my mind.
“You know, every time I cook, I think I should be able to do this better. I can time a tactical op down to the millisecond. But when I get in a kitchen, things just always seem to get out of control.”
“Something the Navy SEAL can’t do? And here, I’m just a mere mortal, and I’m a great cook.”
“Why is this the first I’m hearing that you’re a great cook? When are you going to cook for me? Trust me, you should probably be doing the cooking tonight. I can make three things okay. Not amazing, but okay. Tonight is spaghetti.”
“I love spaghetti.” I smile up at him happily.
Cooper runs his hand over his forehead and mimics wiping sweat off of his brow. “Good to hear. I’m afraid to piss you off now. You’re a pretty intimidating woman, Natalia Roy.”
“You should be.” I frown down my nose at him. Only I can’t hold the serious look, and I end up laughing.
“You’re terrifying. Never been so intimidated in my entire life.”
“Good. I’ve always wanted to be intimidating.” I take another sip of my wine. “This is delicious.”
“It should be, for what it cost,” Cooper mutters.
“What?”
“Oh nothing, it was a… gift from my parents. They have expensive tastes,” Cooper explains.
“I definitely don’t know what that’s like. My mom is the most frugal person I’ve ever met other than Lara. Free love and all that.”
“You keep not telling me the details of this commune, you mention so casually.” Cooper walks over to where I’m sitting and leans back against the kitchen counter. And I’m now staring right at his penis.
“Umm,” I can’t find any words with the bulge in his jeans right in front of my face. “I don’t usually lead with the fact that I grew up on a commune. It’s like flashing a neon sign that says weirdo hippie!”
“What’s wrong with being a weirdo hippie?” Cooper asks seriously.
“Nothing. In theory. But when you’re twelve and you show up at a new school wearing a linen smock and carrying a burlap bag, let’s just say that kids can be mean.”
“Ahh, yeah. I can see how that would be hard. Little Natalia in her hippie clothes sounds adorable, though.” The way Cooper smiles at me, makes a warm, gooey feeling seep through my stomach. “I had to wear a uniform to my school growing up. It never felt right to me, either.”
“You know you picked a job where you had to wear a uniform all the time right?” Taking another sip of my wine, I study him.
Cooper shrugs. “Guess it just wasn’t the right uniform.”
“Guess not.”
“Do you still have the uniform?” I ask, trying to sound casual.
Cooper gives me a wide smile, and I know that I didn’t pull off the whole casual thing. “Got a thing for men in uniforms?”
“Just making conversation.” My wine is calling again, so I take another long sip.
“I might have one in the back of the closet somewhere. You just have to say the word,” Cooper offers.
“I won’t be saying any such word, thank you very much.” What is wrong with me? All I want to do is order Cooper to go put on that uniform right now. But maybe leave the shirt open because I want to see his chest. And then I want to climb him like a tree. Stop it! What is wrong with me?
“You okay?” Cooper asks.
Gulp. I nod and take another long drink of my wine.
“Shit, I need to get back to it, or we’re going to be ordering pizza for dinner. And delivery takes forever out here.” Cooper hurries back to the stove to take stock of everything.
I could watch this man cook for me all day. And all night.
Cooper eventually wrangles the contents of the various pots and pans into two generously sized pasta bowls. Then leads me outside to the little patio table and lights a few candles. After refilling both our glasses, he sits down across from me.
“Dig in. Or are you waiting for me to try it first to make sure it’s not poisonous. I promise I’m not that bad of a cook.” He flashes me another one of his sheepish smiles.
“I’m sure it’s going to be great,” I reassure him, twisting some noodles onto my fork.
“Go in with lowered expectations, and it should be fine,” Cooper watches me while I take my first bite.
“This is good! You had me worried there for a minute.” I laugh at him between bites.
We eat dinner as the sun sets in front of and the candles on the table are the only thing lighting our faces. Cooper is even more handsome in the candlelight, which shouldn’t be possible. But somehow is.
“You ever going to actually tell me what pissed you off so damn much?” Cooper asks suddenly. “And I don’t just mean today. I mean since the day I met you.”
I roll my eyes at him. “You ever going to be less nosy?”
I’m trying to make it a joke. To distract him by making him laugh. But the truth is that I don’t want to tell him anything more than I already have. I don’t want to tell him what brought me to Maui because I don’t want Cooper to see me how Dr. Dick made me feel. Like I was disposable. He used when it suited him, but he never really cared about me. Dr. Dick lived up to his name. But I’m the one who let him. My friends all saw right through him. I’m the one who only saw what I wanted to see. I’m the one who put a crown on Dr. Dick’s head and let him walk all over me.
I don’t want to be that person anymore. And I don’t want Cooper to know me as that person. If I tell Cooper any of it, I’m worried that it will change something between us. This friendship. This more than just friendship we have going on. I care what Cooper thinks about me. If my friends could hear me, they would absolutely kill me for even thinking like this. But I can’t help feeling how I feel. I don’t want any of what happened with Dr. Dick to taint what’s happening with the man sitting across this candle-lit table from me.
“For someone trying to keep secrets, you should really tell that to your face.” Cooper smiles at me in the candlelight.
I frown instantly, my eyebrows drawing together and an angry flush taking to my cheeks. Then I force my face to go blank.
“I have no idea what you mean.” It’s a lie, and we both know it. He can see right through me, and right now I’m feeling extremely petty about it. Before I can think it through, I turn the tables on him. “You ever going to tell me how you got hurt?”
Cooper doesn’t shut down or get angry the way that I expect him to, not that I would blame him if he did. Instead, he tilts his head back and stares down at me for a long, long minute. “What do you want to know?”
Crap. I was not expecting that. Check and mate. Wait, is that even a thing? I don’t play chess! I have no idea what they say in chess. I’m not that girl from that chess show. Was she even real? Wait, I can Google that later. Focus, Natalia.
“I shouldn’t have said that. You don’t have to talk about it. You don’t owe me anything,” I tell him in a rush, red staining my cheeks.
“I think that’s where we have a problem,” Cooper says quietly. “I know that I don’t have to tell you. But I want to know you. And I want you to know me. And what happened, that’s a part of me. Just like what happened to you is a part of you. What do you want to know?”
For a long minute, I don’t know how to answer him. I want to know everything, but at the same time, I’m terrified of knowing what he’s been through and my heart breaking for him all over again. But that’s selfish. If Cooper wants to tell me about it, then I’m going to listen.
“Ummm, I guess I just want to know how it happened,” I tell him, before chickening out. “But really, you don’t have to tell me anything.” I hold up my hands between us like I’m a mime pressing against an invisible wall. The wall that I put up after Dr. Dick broke me. The wall that Cooper has spent the last two months pulling down, brick by brick until there was nothing left. I felt so safe and secure behind my walls that I didn’t even realize he was doing it. But the walls are
gone now, and it’s just him and me standing in front of each other with nothing between us now.
My fingers jerk as if sparks are flying from my fingertips in an invisible connection between us. As if he can read my mind, Cooper reaches out and takes my hand in his. His palm is hard with callouses against my skin. His flesh burns into me, thawing the ice holding me trapped and still. I squeeze his fingers with mine, and I’m surprised that I can move them.
“Really, Cooper, you don’t have to…” I offer again.
“It’s okay, babe. I want to.” He takes a deep breath and then takes another sip of his wine. “It was just a normal mission. I can’t tell you much. But after we did what we were sent to do, we were heading to the extraction location and as we were getting out of our transport, there was a gunfight, then an explosion. And the next thing I remember, I woke up in a hospital bed in Frankfurt and my whole life was different.” Cooper smiles sheepishly at me. “I guess there isn’t actually all that much to tell.”
“I’m so sorry, Cooper.”
“I know, babe. It is what it is.”
“It’s okay to be sad about what you’ve lost.”
“I’ve been sad. I’ve been pissed. I’ve been a whole bunch of things for the last eight months. But you know what? None of that stuff made anything better. I was a Navy SEAL. I got hurt. Now, I’m not. I think just accepting it and moving on is the only thing that’s going to help.”
“Subtle.”
“I was talking about me. But yeah, maybe that applies to you, too. I wouldn’t know. Because you refuse to talk to me about what happened to you.”
“I told you that I needed more time.”
“And that’s what I’m giving you.”
“Cooper?”
“Yes, Natalia?”
“I don’t need more time… for everything.”
“I’m going to need you to be a little bit more specific.”
“You’re going to make me say it.”
“Given how much I want what I think you’re telling me to be what you’re actually telling me, it’s probably safer if you spell it out for me.”
