by Jeane Watier
Chapter 5
The next day dragged out as Jenna tried to anticipate the evening ahead. She wanted to go, now more than ever, but she was still letting thoughts of what might go wrong plague her. She wasn’t going to back out, but she was beginning to make herself sick playing it out in her mind. Why do I torture myself like this? It’ll be all right. If it doesn’t go well, she reasoned. I can leave early. I’ll just tell Rachael that I’m not ready to talk about it. I’m sure she’ll respect that.
Five o’clock finally came, and Rachael appeared in the doorway just as Jenna was about to call home to make sure that everything was all right. “I just need to give my husband a quick call. I’ll meet you down in the lobby.”
“Sounds good,” Rachael replied.
Things were fine at home. Geoff had picked up a bucket of chicken, and he and the kids had eaten. She could hear their squeals in the background; Geoff had a way of getting them all worked up. Oh well, she contended, he’ll be the one getting them to settle down into bed for a change.
With a refreshing sense of freedom, she grabbed her purse and headed out of her office. It was more than just the change in routine; she was beginning to feel the rightness of her decision, the potential it held to help her in a positive way. But she didn’t want to get her hopes up too high. Whatever came of the evening, it would be good to get to know Rachael better, and it would be fun to help her decorate.
“Welcome to my humble home.” Rachael swept her hand across in front of them for drama as they walked in the door. “I ordered the Chinese food already; it should be here in about fifteen minutes. Are you hungry?”
“I am, actually. I didn’t eat much today,” Jenna admitted. “I was feeling a little nervous.”
“Like I said, you don’t have to share anything if you don’t feel comfortable. Let’s have fun and get to know each other. I may just pick your brain all evening about decorating.”
“I’ll gladly tell you everything I know. But honestly, it’s not that much. I’m not an expert,” Jenna reminded her.
“Okay, no high expectations then. I’ll just show you around and tell you what ideas I have, and you can feel free to add anything that comes to mind. Here’s what I did with the stuff we got on Saturday.” Rachael showed Jenna the bathroom.
“Rachael, it’s beautiful! You did a great job.”
“Well, you helped me pick out all the components. I just had to set them in place. I think I want to change the lighting in here, though. It’s too harsh. What do you think?”
“You could definitely put some softer lighting over the mirror,” Jenna suggested. “Those chrome light bars were popular in the eighties, but they’re way too bright with all those bulbs—not to mention expensive to maintain. Given the age of this house, it might be fitting to replace that with a vintage-looking piece. Some candle holders mounted on the opposite wall would add mood lighting without having to run electrical. A dimmer switch on the main light would help in the meantime. I have a catalogue with a good selection of light fixtures. We can have a look at it if you like.”
The doorbell rang just then. “That’ll be our dinner.” Rachael went to get the door. “I like your ideas,” she called back. “Let’s have a look at that catalogue after we finish eating.”
They sat down at the coffee table, and Rachael spread out the food. “I’m sorry we have to eat in the living room,” she apologized. “When I lived at my brother’s, I didn’t need much of my own furniture. I’ve been slowly picking up pieces here and there.”
“This is nice and casual. I like it.”
“I really am just getting my life back together,” Rachael emphasized.
“You seem like the most ‘together’ person I know,” Jenna responded, surprised at Rachael’s admission. “I sensed that about you from the beginning. You’re confident and organized, and you seem so happy and contented. It’s hard to believe you ever felt the kinds of things I’m feeling.”
“I can’t say I know for sure what you’re going through. It may be different from what I experienced. I just wanted you to know that I suffered from depression and that I overcame it. I think I would have liked to have known that when I was going through it. The doctors and therapists talked about managing it. They made it sound as if it would be something I’d always have to deal with. That in itself is enough to make a person depressed.”
“It does give me hope, knowing you’ve overcome it,” Jenna acknowledged quietly. “I can’t remember a time that I ever felt really happy. There were times that were better than others. I thought that after marrying Geoff everything would be different, but it didn’t last long. Then I thought that if I had a baby, I’d feel satisfied, but nothing has ever filled that void.
“I guess I’ve always looked for answers outside myself,” Jenna added. “I think the reason you impress me so much is that you have something inside of you that seems to light you up and give you your reason for being.” Jenna stared at the floor for a moment and then looked up at Rachael. “I’ve never told anyone this before...not even Geoff.”
~
Rachael wanted to ask her questions about her childhood and about her relationship with her husband, but she wasn’t sure how much Jenna was ready to share. More than anything, she wanted to help her move to a better feeling place. “The other day you asked me how I moved up the emotional scale,” Rachael began.
“Yes, and I liked what you said about not having to go back and dig up the past. Is it really possible to get to a place that feels better and stay there consistently?” Jenna asked. “I want more than anything to believe that.”
“Yes, absolutely!” Rachael responded with all the excitement and conviction she felt about the subject. “I spent years talking about the past and how it made me feel, but it wasn’t until I started learning about the Law of Attraction, and specifically about the emotional scale, that anything changed for me. Now I can totally understand why my life unfolded the way that it did. As long as I was talking about the past and how bad it was, I kept creating more of the same. I was focusing on what I didn’t want, and because of that I ended up creating more of what I didn’t want.”
“I can see how talking about and focusing on a subject can keep you there,” Jenna agreed. “That makes sense to me. But how do you move up this emotional scale? You said you can’t jump all the way to joy. I’m curious to know what steps you took.”
“Believe it or not, the first step for me was anger. I let myself get really angry at my parents over the divorce. I journaled about it, cried about it, and even kicked a few items around the house. I sprained my big toe and limped for almost two weeks,” Rachael laughed. “I was dating this guy at the time and he thought I’d lost it. He told me I wasn’t the same person anymore, and I really wasn’t. My brother noticed it, too, and stayed out of my way. It sounds contrary to what we’ve been taught, but there was a feeling of power in anger that I hadn’t felt in depression, and it felt good knowing I’d reached for it on purpose.”
“Rachael, I can’t imagine you angry,” Jenna objected. “You seem so kind and compassionate. That surprises me.”
“At first, it felt a little foreign. I was brought up to believe that anger was wrong—something to be suppressed or at least managed. My sister even suggested I see a therapist again. She was really worried about me.”
“Did you?”
“No, I’d been seeing a counselor when I first moved back, but the stuff I was learning was so ‘out there.’ I tried talking to her about it, and she agreed to a point, but she still thought it was necessary to talk about the details of my past. So I’ve been kind of going it on my own.
“I did find some people in a chat group on the internet who are using this technique,” Rachael added. “They’ve become my support group, so to speak, and Gail’s been there for me—I don’t know how I would have made it without her.”
“I don’t understand something, Rachael. How is anger any better than depression? Especially if it’s not n
atural to you. I can’t imagine all of a sudden becoming an angry person. I don’t like to rock the boat. How would I explain it to those around me?”
“I wouldn’t say that I became an angry person,” Rachael gently corrected her. “I just used anger as a way to take back my power. Depression is one of the most powerless emotions on the scale. I felt helpless and in bondage when I was depressed—as if something had control over me.”
“That’s what my life feels like now,” Jenna began to cry. “I want so much to be free of it, but what you’re suggesting sounds too difficult.”
As Rachael reached to give her a hug, she began to wonder whether helping Jenna was going to be harder than she’d thought. She felt Jenna’s pain, and she felt herself moving in a direction that she didn’t want to go. How can I help Jenna and not get pulled down to where she is? She needed a minute to collect her thoughts and reclaim her own power. “Would you like a glass of wine?” she offered, handing Jenna a tissue.
“Sure, that would be nice.” Jenna dabbed at her eyes. “I’m sorry I’m getting so upset over this. What you’re saying makes sense. Maybe I just need a day or two to think it over.”
Rachael took a moment to breathe as the kitchen door closed behind her. As she focused on the familiar image of her loving Inner Being, she could feel a comforting presence envelop her. Then she let all thoughts go as she listened to the soft hum of the refrigerator. Before long she felt her strength return. She reminded herself how far she’d come and how good she’d allowed herself to feel. Nothing could take that away from her. She held the power now. She no longer just reached for a feeling of joy; she’d come to understand that joy was who she was. It was the very essence of her being.
Suddenly an idea came to mind, and she was eager to share it with Jenna. She went back into the living room and handed Jenna a wineglass. “I hope you like red. It’s all I have.”
Jenna nodded.
“I just thought of something.” Rachael sat down on the couch and poured them each some wine. “Maybe I was getting ahead of myself in telling you about the emotional scale.
“Don’t get me wrong,” she added, as she saw the look on Jenna’s face. “I believe it’s essential to know, and it’s the reason I’m now able to feel good consistently, but there was something that I came to understand first that got me through the rough times. It’s something I take for granted now, and I didn’t think to tell you about it.
“In my desire to want to help you, I thought about the tools you’d need to make the journey to well-being, but I forgot that, for me anyway, my first and deepest questions were, ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Why am I here?’ ”
“I’ve asked those questions, too,” Jenna admitted. “Did you find the answers?”
“I did,” Rachael replied. “I started by questioning the existence of God. When my world fell apart, I wanted to believe that someone or something was in control, but it didn’t feel that way. I stumbled around lost and confused for quite a while. And as I told you before, the medication I was on left me feeling kind of numb, but there were moments when I could think clearly, and questions would surface. I started to develop this incredible hunger for truth.
“Back then I believed there was some kind of ultimate truth out there, and if I could find it, my world would make sense. Then I read something that changed my thinking: ‘Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.’2 I’ve tried to live my life by that philosophy. I want to be open to new ideas and teachings and yet not let myself get attached to or be limited by anything.”
Jenna was quiet, but Rachael could tell by the look on her face that she was taking in the things she was hearing. “And once I opened my mind to new ideas,” Rachael continued, “answers started to come to me. I received clarity about who God is and how we fit into the bigger scheme of things.”
“This is really interesting,” Jenna acknowledged, nodding her head. Then a smile spread across her face as she added, “We may not get much decorating done tonight.”
“Oh well, I’ve got my whole life to decorate. I like to live in the moment and let my emotions guide me, and right now this feels really good.”
“Yes, it does,” Jenna agreed. “But go on. I really want to hear about your view of God.”
“Well, the more I learned about God, the bigger he became for me. In fact, he’s not even a ‘He’ in my mind anymore. Now I refer to God as my Source, as Pure Positive Energy, the Universe, or my Inner Being. I discovered God to be All That Is, the compilation of all things. You, me, that plant, this coffee table—if everything is made up of energy, then God is not only the source of all that energy, but the sum of it all.”
“Wow. That’s really deep, but it does make sense. So…” Jenna said the words slowly, “that makes us part of God—not separate or outside, but part of a whole.”
“Exactly.” Rachael could almost see the wheels turning in Jenna’s mind. It was exciting to see that she was open to new ideas.
“The energy stream that is God or Source focused itself into human form, to become you and me. Energy that is nonphysical is vibrating very fast, and that’s why we can’t see it, but when it focuses and becomes physical, the energy vibration slows down. The denser something is, the slower it vibrates. A rock is vibrating slower than water, which is slower than air, which is much slower than thought, but they’re all energy.”
“Okay, that’s getting a little too deep,” Jenna objected, smiling. “I think I understand, though. Maybe not about energy and vibrations, but that we’re part of God. In a sense, then...we are God.” She looked as though she’d been struck by an incredible revelation. “Wow,” she whispered.
“What is it?” Rachael knew that Jenna had just remembered or realized something, and it was affecting her in a powerful way. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so…I, I don’t know,” Jenna stuttered. “That was bizarre. I’ve had this feeling before that there’s something important I need to remember. I’ve experienced it twice this past week. And just now, when I said, ‘we are God,’ I felt it again. Only it was clearer, more powerful. It wasn’t even a thought really; it was more like a feeling or sensation. It’s like I know this—like I’ve heard it somewhere before.”
Rachael felt the excitement building. Jenna was feeling her own inner guidance and didn’t know it. Rachael wanted to help her discover the magnificent relationship she could have with that eternal, expanded part of herself. “Deep down we all know it,” she explained. “We’ve just forgotten. We are God; we’re eternally connected to this Source, this energy stream. It’s the larger part of us, constantly with us, guiding us, loving us, supporting us in all we do.”
“That’s beautiful,” Jenna said, looking like she was close to tears again.
Rachael didn’t want to overwhelm her with too much information. They’d covered quite a bit, and Jenna would have a lot to think about in the days to come. “Jenna, how are you doing with all this? I’ve probably just thrown a wrench into your whole belief system.”
Jenna laughed. It was the first time that Rachael could remember hearing her laugh. She was laughing and crying at the same time. “It’s okay,” Jenna responded when she could find her voice. “My belief system wasn’t serving me very well anyway. I think I’m ready to look at some new beliefs. I want to be open to this. I really want to believe it. What you said about Source being with you, loving and guiding you—I want that.”
“You already have it,” Rachael replied gently. “That feeling you had when you said that we are God—that was your Inner Being speaking to you, guiding you, reminding you of the truth you’ve forgotten. The more you learn to listen, the more you’ll hear. You’ll learn to trust that guidance. It comes from inside of you, not like the guidance you’re used to following that’s external. This guidance system will take you to the place you want to be, it will lead you to joy.”
“Rachael, this feels so right. But can it really be this easy. I want so much to believe what you
say, but these voices in my head…”
“You’ll learn to quiet those voices in time,” Rachael assured her. “Jenna, I have so much more I’d love to share with you, but for now, I want to give you some advice that helped me. Don’t go home and try to sort through all this right away. Don’t work on it; let it work on you.
“Any time your mind feels overwhelmed trying to figure it all out, just stop what you’re doing and close your eyes. Then try to imagine your Source, your Inner Being. It can be anything you want, but at the beginning, it’s easier to think of something neutral like a beam of light shining down on you. Imagine soft, warm light flooding all over you. Feel the warmth; feel the love. It’s there. It’s part of you. If you practice that every day, it’ll become easy and natural to do, and you’ll find comfort in the feeling of connectedness.”
“Okay, I’ll try. I like that image.” Jenna took a deep breath and then shook her head. “We really didn’t get any decorating done.” She laughed again. It was a beguiling laugh, and Rachael hoped she’d be hearing a lot more of it in the future.
“It’s gotten late; let me give you a ride home,” Rachael offered.
“Thanks. I was thinking of calling a cab, but if you don’t mind…”
“I’d love to.”
Chapter 6
Jenna felt as though someone had put a blender inside her brain and pureed everything. It wasn’t as if she’d ever had a solid understanding of spiritual things, but now she didn’t know where she was coming from or where she was going. She didn’t blame Rachael. On the contrary, Jenna had more questions she wanted to ask her. She wanted to hear more about her Inner Being and about the emotional scale. As well, dozens of questions had arisen about things she’d believed in the past and how they fit with this new concept of God—if they did at all. More than anything, Jenna wanted to know why, if she really was connected to such a magnificent Energy Source, she could get so far off track and feel so miserable.
