by Jeane Watier
“Yeah. That would be great.”
After he left, Gail grinned at Rachael.
“What?”
“You really like him,” she accused lovingly.
“Mmm,” Rachael nodded.
~
Geoff woke up Sunday morning with a hangover. He wasn’t a big drinker, but the night before, he’d needed something to help take his mind off Jenna. When she didn’t come home, he was convinced their marriage was over. She’d never done anything like that before. God, I’d give anything to go back in time and change things. How could I be so stupid? No amount of money is worth losing Jenna and breaking up our family.
The room did a complete spin as he sat up, so he stayed where he was on the edge of the bed for a few minutes before getting up. Then he went to the medicine cabinet to get something for his throbbing head. Lying down again, Geoff lamented the failed venture. They’d come so close. Jim had tried calling the night before, but Geoff had refused to answer. He didn’t want to talk about the deal anymore. Nothing could be done now. He just needed time to think.
As for the lost money, the only solution was to find a job and make the extra payments himself. The problem was, he’d been self-employed for most of his adult life. The thought of working for someone again caused his stomach to tighten. He hated the idea of punching a clock and being accountable all the time. Still, he was willing to make that sacrifice if it meant that Jenna would forgive him. He just hoped that she would.
In the message she’d left the day before, Jenna said that she’d be home Sunday at the latest. He knew the kids were her reason for returning, not him. But just knowing he’d see her gave him hope. He tidied up the bedroom the way Jenna would have done and went downstairs to face the day.
~
Jenna had taken a few minutes for herself before she left Rachael’s. She wanted to embrace her power. As she thought about what Geoff had done, the anger surfaced again, but it wasn’t nearly as intense as when it had erupted. She was relieved because she wanted to talk to him without her emotions getting in the way.
Driving home, Jenna replayed the surreal experience she’d had the day before. She wanted to remember every detail and hang on to the powerful knowing. Her mother was with her now, and it was immensely comforting. She reminded herself of Rachael’s encouraging words as well. I can do this, she declared. I am worthy. I am creating my own reality, and I know everything’s going to be all right.
As she rounded the corner and saw her house, she thought about the sense of home she’d been missing. Gazing at the two-story colonial, she felt an appreciation, a feeling of pride. It was her home, and suddenly she realized it was where she wanted to be. There was so much she liked about their house. She’d made it a home and she kept things in order. She was proud of herself for that. But more than anything, she missed her kids and couldn’t wait to give them each a big hug.
As she opened the front door, the kids came running to meet her, shrieking in excitement. Jenna knelt down and held them in her arms for a few minutes. They were talkative, filling her in on what she’d missed, asking questions about where she’d been. She answered them briefly before they both remembered the TV show they’d been watching and ran back to the family room.
When she stood up, she saw Geoff there. He looked awful—his face was pale, his eyes puffy and red. Jenna had assumed she’d feel angry seeing him again, but relief settled over her instead. It actually felt good to see him looking so miserable, and it surprised her somewhat. He must have been out of his mind wondering what she was thinking and what she was going to do. Her silence had obviously affected him in a powerful way. She hadn’t acted with revenge in mind. Nevertheless, it gave her a strange sense of satisfaction and a renewed feeling of power.
“Babe,” he said solemnly. “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t change what I’ve done, but I promise I’ll make this up to you.”
“What you did was wrong…and selfish, and stupid.” Her voice was steady, but she kept it low. She didn’t want the kids to hear them. “You had no right to do that without talking to me first.”
“I know,” he replied, edging close to tears. “I know that now.”
Walking past him, she went up the stairs to their room. Part of her wanted to hold on to her power and savor it. Another part wanted to forgive him. She wondered how she could do both. If I forgive him, I want to do it for the right reasons. I’m not wrong in being angry, but I do want to start working things out. She reminded herself it wasn’t about being angry, it was about feeling better.
Geoff stood in the doorway of their bedroom, hesitant to enter, and Jenna realized that the anger had served her. Now she had an opportunity to show compassion, and that felt good, too. She’d seen him miserable, and now she had the power to ease his pain.
“I can forgive you,” Jenna began, “not because you deserve it, but because I deserve to feel better.”
Geoff gave her a strange look, but she continued, determined to have her say. “I’ve been learning a lot lately—about myself and about life. I haven’t been feeling very good for a long time. The truth is, I’ve been really depressed.”
Seeing the surprise on his face, she explained, “Rachael’s been helping me. She struggled with depression for a long time, too, but she overcame it. What she has to say makes so much sense. I’m on a path to well-being now; she’s shown me how. I was finally able to acknowledge my anger yesterday and use it in a positive way. That was a big step for me. I realized that you weren’t the only one I was angry at.” She went on to tell him about the letters she’d written in the motel room.
As she finished talking, Geoff sat down on the end of the bed. “I didn't know that’s what you were going through. I’m sorry.” He had tears in his eyes. “I really thought you were going to leave me,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
“I can’t say that I didn’t think about it,” Jenna admitted, “but that’s not what I want.” She looked at him earnestly. “What I want is for things to change between us. I want us to have a real relationship with honesty and trust and communication.”
“I want that, too, more than anything.” He reached for her hand. “I’m going to pay off this debt. I’ll get a job. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
Jenna was surprised by Geoff’s declaration. She knew how much he loved working for himself. She also knew that they still had some issues to work out, but she felt contented, and a sense of hope enveloped her. Hope felt very, very good—like the doorway to the future had just opened up. Jenna didn’t know what lay ahead, but somehow, she knew that things were going to be all right.
~
Rachael filled Gail in on all that had taken place between her and Brian. Gail finally ran out of questions, and the two sat contentedly sipping their lattes. Finally, she shook her head. “Do you realize how amazing your life is? It’s extraordinary.”
“What if it isn’t?” Rachael challenged. “What if this is what life was meant to be like?” Rachael knew the things she’d been experiencing seemed out of the ordinary, but she truly believed that everyone could live their dreams. “I believe we came here to experience life in its fullest. We’re all extensions of Source; therefore, we’re all that Source is. We’re love, looking for objects of attention. We’re joy, seeking new ways to express ourselves. We’re abundance, searching for vessels to fill.”
“I like that,” Gail smiled. “Everyone is always running after those things, but we actually are all those things, and once we come to know it, then that’s what we’ll experience in our lives.”
“The amazing thing is how far off course we can get from who we really are.”
“I don’t understand that part,” Gail frowned. “Why aren’t we born knowing all this?”
“I think we do come into the world knowing it,” Rachael contended. “But we forget over time, as we listen to our parents and teachers, churches and society in general. They all mean well, but they’ve forgotten about their own connection to Sour
ce. I love watching babies and small children. I think they know all this and more. If only they could talk, they could help us remember.”
“I saw a woman on Oprah the other day.” Gail’s eyes lit up, and she leaned forward in her seat. “She came up with a theory about the sounds babies make.9 She claims we can understand what they’re trying to tell us.”
“That’s really interesting,” Rachael replied. “I always thought babies could communicate with one another, but maybe they’ve been trying to communicate with us all this time, and we’ve just been too clued out to notice.”
“Apparently all babies, regardless of nationality, make the same five basic sounds,” Gail continued. “Each sound means a certain thing, so it’s just a matter of learning their language.”
“Maybe one day we’ll be able to learn from those newborns that have just come from nonphysical. They could teach us, and then no one would forget who they really are.”
“I still don’t get why it’s set up this way.” Gail brought their conversation back to her earlier question. “We forget who we are and then spend most of our lives trying to remember.”
“Believe me; I asked that question for a long time. It didn’t make sense to me, and it didn’t seem fair. I think it’s because we’re eternal beings. We’ve been here before, and we’ll be here again. Those of us here in the physical are the leading edge of all that is. We come here to experience and to expand, and therefore, ‘All That Is’ expands.”
“But couldn’t we expand from a place of already knowing, instead of having to relearn each time we come back?”
“I don’t know for sure,” Rachael shrugged. “I do know that contrast is necessary; it’s what causes us to desire. Every time we experience contrast, a new desire or preference is born within us. Then, as we focus our attention on that desire and align ourselves with it, we attract it into our experience. And every time we launch one of those Rockets of Desire,10 the Universe expands.”
“Maybe some things just aren’t meant to be understood.” Gail finished her latte and set the cup down with a thump. Rachael knew it was Gail’s way of letting her know that the conversation was getting too serious. Gail had a way of understanding and even applying the teaching without getting too deep into the mechanics of how it worked. She respected that about her friend, but Rachael was the opposite; she wanted to know the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ of everything.
“I’m just thankful that we understand enough to live life consciously,” Rachael summarized. “I love knowing what I want and creating it. It makes life so much more fun.”
“And I’m glad I have someone who figures out all this stuff and then willingly shares it with her best friend,” Gail smiled.
“So how is it going with Rob’s mom?” Rachael took the conversation in a new direction.
“Well, I’ve been trying to use this process and deliberately think good thoughts about her, but it’s hard,” Gail admitted. “I guess I’m used to letting my thoughts just think themselves. Now trying to be aware of them all the time—it’s hard.”
“Have you noticed any difference?”
“When she called yesterday, she talked to me for a minute or so before asking if Rob was there.”
“That’s a start.”
“I can see how this works, but when I notice my thoughts toward her, they’re mostly negative, and then I have to try to think of something positive, and that’s not always easy,” Gail complained.
“Just make sure that you’re doing this for you.” Rachael wanted Gail to understand that it wasn’t just something she should do, but something that would help her to feel better.
“What do you mean?”
“Do it because it feels better to think kind thoughts than it does to think unkind thoughts, and don’t focus so much on what you’re thinking as on how those thoughts make you feel.”
“What’s the difference?”
“How you feel is your guidance system,” Rachael clarified. “Make a decision that nothing is more important to you than feeling good. Spend a bit of time focusing on his mom’s positive aspects; even write them down. Then leave it alone, and just set an intention to feel good. Trying to monitor your thoughts can drive you crazy, especially at first.”
“That’s what I’ve been feeling!” Gail threw her hands in the air. “Like it’s too much work trying to keep track of my thoughts all the time.”
Rachael laughed at Gail’s dramatics. “You’ll get this. You’re doing fine.” Then she had an idea. “What can you tell me about Rob’s mom that is positive?”
“Well, she loves Rob, and I know she’d do anything for him.”
“Good.” Rachael took a pen and paper out of her bag and quickly wrote, ‘good mother’ and ‘loving.’ “What else?”
“She’s always giving us gifts.”
Rachael wrote, ‘very generous.’
“She’s overprotective of Rob,” Gail continued, “but I know she just wants the best for him.”
Rachael wrote, ‘unselfish.’ She kept encouraging Gail, and within a few minutes she had half a dozen positive attributes. She handed the list to Gail and watched her face as she read over the things that Rachael had written.
Gail laughed, “How did you do that? You made her sound like a saint.”
“I just wrote what you told me.”
“I guess Rob’s lucky to have such a great mom.” There was a hint of sarcasm, but then Gail added thoughtfully, “The thing is...he thinks she is great. It’s just me who’s been focusing on the negative. Maybe I’m just jealous of their close relationship.”
“Whatever the reason, now you have some positive things to think about her. The next time she comes to mind, you’ll feel better. You’ve just raised your vibration regarding her.”
“You’re right. I don’t feel as negative. Thanks.”
Helping people was life giving to Rachael. She loved sharing what she knew, and she loved seeing others helped by it. It was even something that she could see herself doing as a career one day.
“Keep me posted on this new relationship,” Gail interjected. “I want to know all the details. I have a good feeling about this.”
“So do I,” Rachael smiled dreamily. “I’m trying not to let myself get too excited or get too far ahead in my mind, but it just feels so good.”
“I like what you told me about relationships once. They may not be forever. Just enjoy the now, and see where it goes.”
“Did I say that?”
“Yes, you did,” Gail retorted. “You had just listened to some tape on relationships, and I was going through that phase where I thought Rob and I had to get married to make our relationship last.”
“Yes. I remember. Hmm...I think I need to re-listen to that one. I tend to be traditional. Even though my parent’s marriage didn’t last, I always hoped I’d have a fairy tale marriage. You’re right, though. One day at a time and see where this goes.”
“You’re always telling me to enjoy the moment. Relationships have that special magic at the beginning—the first date, the first kiss, the first time…” Gail winked.
“I know, and I intend to treasure all those firsts.” Rachael let out a long, contented sigh, smiling as she thought about what lay ahead.
They’d both finished their lattes, and Gail was starting to put on her jacket. Rachael was ready to leave as well. She loved having time to herself on the weekends, and she still had a few precious hours to enjoy at home.
Chapter 14
Jenna spent the rest of the day enjoying her home. She played a game with the kids, did some house cleaning, and planned a special meal for dinner. Several times, she caught Geoff looking at her with an odd expression. She knew she was different, and it was clear that he could notice it, too. She congratulated herself, feeling proud that she had created the change.
After dinner, the kids wanted to watch a movie, and Geoff was on the phone in his office, so Jenna went upstairs. In her closet she took down a box from the top sh
elf, carried it to the bed and sat staring at it for a moment before she slowly opened it up. As she did, the memories came flooding out. Inside was all that she had left from her childhood. Underneath a tattered doll was a framed picture, a photo of a young woman. It was her mother. The woman was smiling, and she looked happy. She’d been very attractive, and Jenna noticed a sparkle in her eyes. She longed to know what her mother had been like.
As Jenna closed her eyes, she tried to imagine her mother there with her. It felt good to think of her again, and it felt good knowing that she was watching over her, helping her.
Next she took out some loose photos. There was an old faded one of her father. She held it for a few minutes, studying the man. “I can forgive you,” she whispered, repeating the words that she’d said to Geoff, “not because you deserve it, but because I deserve to feel better.”
She didn’t have a picture of her grandparents, but Jenna could see them clearly in her mind—they were always so serious looking. They’d been hard on her but probably hard on themselves too. She wondered if they’d ever had any joy in their lives.
Extending her forgiveness to them as well, she put all the things back into the box—everything except her mother’s photo. The frame was old and cracked, and Jenna made a decision to replace it with a new one. She wanted to display her mother’s picture in a place of honor.
The pictures refreshed many of the memories that Jenna had worked so hard at burying, but she realized they weren’t nearly as painful as she thought they’d be. The changes that had taken place within her that weekend had shifted her whole perspective. Suddenly she wanted to write about it. She returned the box of memories to its high shelf and took down the one with the fancy journal. This time, she removed the cellophane cover and threw it away. Then she found a pen and began to write.
~
Rachael was enjoying a new book she’d picked up at the library, when the phone rang. She saw his name come up on the call display and felt a flutter of excitement.
