A Letter to Delilah

by Jaxson Kidman

“Let’s pretend the dream didn’t end. What would you have said to her?”

  “I have no idea. That’s why I wanted the dream to keep going.”

  “Maybe the dream ended because you didn’t know what to say. Maybe that’s her way of suggesting to you to figure out what to say.”

  “So you’re suddenly spiritual here? You think someone who is… gone… can appear in a dream like that?”

  “I never said that. I’m just keeping our conversation open.”

  “Well, you know what? Maybe it’s just a fucking dream. Like the other one. And there’s no way I can ever talk to her. That’s why she was on the outside of the plane. The proof that I’ll never talk to her.”

  “So, what do you want to do with that then, Josh? If that’s the truth…”

  “It’s your job to tell me what to do,” I said. I stood up. “But you’re going to twist words into questions and demand that I make decisions I don’t want to make.”

  “There’s no decision to be made. It’s just us here. Talking.”

  “I wanted to tell you about the other dream. So now I’ve got two dreams haunting me. What the fuck is next?”

  “That we don’t know, Josh.”

  “Great. So this is now a waste of my fucking time.”

  “I don’t think it is.”

  “Thanks for nothing.”

  I left without another word. I was always able to leave like that. It pissed me off because it made me want to go back in there and keep talking.

  But there was no more talking.

  She was dead.

  She died.

  She’ll never come back to life again.

  But the problem…

  She wasn’t the only one I lost at that time.

  Chapter 30

  Waved Your Hands and it’s Gone

  NOW

  (Josh)

  I put Aaron’s arm around my shoulder and I forced him down to the couch.

  He waved his hands in the air and started talking gibberish. That was his cue that he was going to throw up. I’d known him for so damn long I could predict everything he was thinking and what he was going to do next.

  The first time we got drunk together was off a bottle of brandy from his father’s liquor cabinet. I had been drunk many times thanks to guys like Murph and the secret life I lived that went beyond my friendship with Aaron. But he got so drunk that he threw up. Which was maybe normal for the first time drinking too much. In my mind, I still saw it.

  Him standing in the kitchen. Then out of nowhere he waved his hands and started saying ar-ga-ah-o-er-ah-ga over and over. He ran to the sink and puked. That gibberish stood for he was about to throw up. Even for something like the stomach bug. He confessed to me he was terrified of throwing up for fear of choking on it and dying.

  I managed to get a trashcan from the bathroom in the basement just in time for him to roll to his right side and throw up. He growled with an angry voice as everything came back up. Food, drink, and much more.

  I patted his back and wrinkled my nose at the smell.

  “I’m here, big guy,” I said. “I’m here. I’m sorry.”

  I started to rub his back, looking at the stairs.

  I had gotten home and started painting something that I knew was going to be terrible because the inspiration wasn’t what I wanted it to be. That’s when Rae called me and told me to come deal with my drunk asshole of a best friend. The only time Aaron got torn up like that at home was when he and Rae were arguing. Well, they always argued, but for him to drink that much, it must have been bad.

  My only option when I got there was to take Aaron downstairs and save him from himself. And Rae.

  He rolled to his back and groaned.

  “How the fuck do you do it?”

  “Do what?” I asked.

  “Drink the way you do.”

  I laughed. “Years of practice, Aaron. You don’t have that.”

  “I just have years of love.”

  It sounded like I jus ha year’a love.

  “What does that mean?” I asked. “What happened tonight?”

  He waved a hand. “She’ll never be it. It’ll never be. I don’t even know what we’re doing.”

  “You have to tell me what happened, Aaron. No bullshit drunk talk.”

  I forced him to sit up and then I slapped him across the face.

  “Ow!” he screamed.

  “The next one will be a punch,” I said. I grabbed his face and squished his cheeks. “What happened?”

  “Go over there,” he said. “To my work bag. Open the front pocket.”

  He swayed when I let him go.

  That was okay. He had a trashcan to throw up in if he got sick again.

  I crouched in front of the bag and unzipped it.

  I pulled it open and looked away when I saw the little black box.

  I looked back at Aaron.

  He was staring at me. He looked ready to cry.

  “Did you ask her?” I asked.

  He shook his head.

  I took the box out of the bag and opened it.

  It was a tiny diamond ring. A thin, silver band.

  The perfect engagement ring.

  I shut the box and put it back and zipped the bag.

  I stood and rubbed my jaw. “You didn’t ask her. Now you’re dead drunk. You two are fighting. Even for me… I’m a little lost here, Aaron.”

  “Me too,” he said.

  He leaned forward and groaned.

  He didn’t wave his hands or make any gibberish sounds, so I knew he wasn’t going to throw up.

  I returned to the couch next to him. “Why didn’t you ask her?”

  “It’s just crazy with her,” he said. “The ups and downs.”

  “That’s who you two are,” I said. “From the day you met.”

  “You hate her.”

  “Me? You’re worried about me? Fuck off, Aaron. Don’t pull that weak stuff on me.”

  “I’m afraid,” he said. He looked at me, suddenly clear-eyed. “I’m afraid she’ll say no to me. Then what? I can’t imagine not having my little family.”

  “Ah, shit,” I whispered.

  I put an arm around Aaron.

  He was sixteen when his dad cheated on his mother. His perfect life and family were ripped apart. It made us closer because I got him through it, but he was facing those demons now when considering his future.

  “She loves you,” I whispered. “You two are crazy. Together. Against each other. And for each other. And when that moment hits you, man, run with it. Ask her. Put yourself out there.”

  “What about you?” Aaron asked.

  “What? You worried she won’t want me in the wedding?”

  Aaron snorted. “I’m talking about Amelia. You had her in my house. You insisted on getting a drink at her restaurant.”

  “Ah, my good friend, that’s where you need to shut your mouth and pass out. You’re going to hate yourself in the morning.”

  I started to stand and Aaron grabbed my arm. “You’re talking to someone about everything. Is it helping?”

  “I’m over it,” I said. “I can’t stand it. I can’t change the past.”

  “Do you talk about it with Amelia?”

  “What the hell… why would…”

  “Did you tell her about Delaney?” Aaron asked. “Or Delilah?”

  “Hey, you’re drunk,” I said, swallowing hard. “This is where you need to just crash. It’s done.”

  I shook Aaron away and he crashed down to the couch.

  I walked up the basement steps and went into the kitchen. I got a glass of water and three ibuprofen ready in advance of the morning hangover..

  When I turned, Rae stood in the kitchen.

  She had black lines down her cheeks from crying. She tossed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on the counter.

  “Haven’t smoked since I found out I was pregnant,” she said. “Now look at me.”

  “One smoke won’t hurt you,” I said.
<
br />   “You would say that.”

  “Want me to lie to you?”

  “Where is he now?”

  “Throwing up downstairs,” I said. I waved my hands to mimic Aaron’s motions.

  Rae laughed. She wiped the corners of her eyes. “I look like hell.”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  “You know, fuck you, Josh,” she said.

  “I’m sure whatever happened here tonight is my fault, right?”

  “He wouldn’t tell me where he was earlier,” she said. “I know he met up with you. But before that. Something… something feels off.”

  I thought about the ring.

  “Rae,” I said. I walked to the island in the kitchen and put the water and the medicine down. “Do you really think he’d cheat on you?”

  “Happened to me before.”

  “Aaron is too desperate to cheat.”

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “I know,” I said. “But honestly, he wouldn’t do that. His father did that to his mother. Ruined a really good family. There is no way in hell he would do that to you. He loves you. Why? I don’t know.”

  Rae put up her middle finger.

  “I’m serious,” I said. “And if he was doing anything stupid, I’d know. And I’d handle it with him.”

  “I held Toby over his head,” Rae admitted. “I said some stuff… I sounded like my mother. That got me more pissed off. And then he got pissed off.”

  “So, you both are pissed at each other because of your pasts,” I said. “Want to know the best part of the past?”

  “What?” she asked.

  “It’s fucking over. So, tell him that, Rae. You two… you two remind me why I hate relationships. Why I like the one night together and then the next morning everyone moves on. You two need to talk to each other. You have a kid. I know how fast everything went. I warned Aaron. I warned you. I was the asshole for it. But you two… all you saw were rainbows and stars.”

  “It’s not easy for me either,” Rae said. “When he and I…” She looked away and laughed. “I’m going to talk to Josh about relationships.”

  “Yeah, you’d better not,” I said. “I might tell the truth and you’d really hate that.”

  “Go home,” she said. She reached for the water and the pills. “I’ll take care of him.”

  “You don’t need help with Toby or anything?”

  “No.”

  “I can carry Aaron upstairs if you want.”

  “Just leave, Josh,” Rae said. “Just. Leave.”

  She moved from the kitchen.

  I wasted no time in leaving.

  And I didn’t go home.

  I went to Amelia’s.

  I sat in the parking lot.

  I thought about what to do.

  And I figured out why Rae was so pissed at me.

  Because I was a liar.

  The past was gone, sure.

  But it didn’t leave.

  And there was a big difference.

  And somewhere, caught in the middle of that was a feeling that was like love… the feeling I had for Amelia.

  I sat up in the corner of my bed where Amelia had been sipping coffee and staring at me. Only I wasn’t reliving a good memory. I was chasing away something that resembled a nightmare. If I really wanted to get rid of the nightmare for the rest of the night, then hard liquor was the cure.

  I skipped that and went for a notebook.

  While the rest of my apartment was calm and quiet, my mind and my hand worked furiously. A new idea and concept had been working itself out for a little while and it was time to just go with it. I realized it had been over a month since I last took a picture with my camera. In some way I was distracted from the world around me. That distraction was Amelia. She had nudged the world out of the way and taken up all my attention. I wasn’t complaining. I wasn’t trying to change it.

  My new concept came down to words.

  Just like the way I would hide artwork within pictures, I decided to try something out where I’d hide words and stories within artwork. It was a very rough idea and the sketches I worked on looked very much like blobs instead of actual drawings, but that’s how it went.

  Tucked away in the corner of my apartment, working until the pale light of the lamp on my nightstand was traded for the sunrise.

  Two things went through my mind when I realized it was morning.

  Aaron.

  My best friend.

  What he and Rae had was complicated and hard to navigate. He had done the one thing he never thought he could do. He bought an engagement ring. Yet he didn't propose and Rae thought he was cheating. A giant mess because they couldn’t be honest with each other.

  And that took me to Amelia as the second thing running through my head.

  Because it was the same with her.

  We were both just floating around, bumping into each other. That part I didn’t mind. The smell of her hair, the taste of her skin, the way her smile seemed to be so casual, yet it was like a cosmic force. But between us there were so many words and stories left untold. Pieces of our past never told while the entire future hung in the balance.

  I walked to the window where Amelia had stood.

  I was chasing her ghost around my apartment.

  That wasn’t me.

  I didn't chase ghosts.

  I sent them away.

  And as I stood there and stared out the window, Amelia slipped out of my mind. In her place came a flood I swore I would hold back and never let loose.

  Because sometimes the truth wasn’t what anyone actually wanted to hear.

  Chapter 31

  The One You Love

  A REALLY LONG TIME AGO

  (Josh)

  I heard the wailing cry and I peeled my eyes open.

  It was two-oh-three in the morning.

  Now, during the summer or the weekend, this was about the time I was calling it quits after a long night of snacks, soda, video games, and watching adult shows.

  But now…

  Damn.

  And it was totally fine for me to think that word too. And say it.

  Gram wasn’t a fan of it. She didn't like those words coming from my mouth, but she knew I said them. So, we had a silent agreement. When she wasn’t around, I could say whatever I wanted. But around her… damn became darn. Shit became shoot. Fuck became fudge. But I hated saying fudge. It was babyish. So I skipped that word all together until she was gone.

  The screaming and crying weren’t letting up.

  I threw the covers off my body and climbed out of bed.

  Never thought I would be thirteen and raising a baby.

  That thought went through my head way too many times.

  Girls at school thought it was kind of cool though. They thought Delaney was cute and that made me cute. They loved to hear me tell stories about Delaney. They loved when I brought in one of Delaney’s old pacifiers or little toys. I wasn't sure why they liked it so much, but when I talked about Delaney they would giggle, touch my arm, and get closer to me. Some of the girls smelled really good. Some of the girls were going through some serious changes with their bodies. And the way it made me feel…

  I hurried down the hallway and opened the door to the nursery Gram threw together in record time. There was nothing like your father showing up after being gone for a few years with a baby in his arms. Or the way that he handed me the baby like he had bought it at a store for me as a gift.

  I let my guard down though with him. Something I swore I would never do.

  “Hey, baby girl,” I said. “I’m right here.”

  Delaney let out a howling cry as she stood there. She reached for me and opened and closed her hands, wanting me to pick her up. She wanted a bottle. That’s what this was. It was so strange to me that I had all her cries memorized and knew what she wanted and needed.

  I picked her up and she clung to my shirt as though she didn't think I was coming to get her.

  “You're okay, baby girl
,” I whispered. “You're okay. I'm here now. I’m going to take care of you.”

  I gently bounced her as I slithered toward the door.

  I still hadn’t mastered how to make a bottle with one hand, but I was getting there. I had to be careful though because any wasted formula was a big deal. That stuff was not cheap.

  “Josh, what are you doing?” Gram’s voice echoed in the hallway.

  I heard the sound of her shaking a bottle.

  “I’ve got it," I said. “Go back to sleep.”

  “You’re a kid. You need sleep.”

  “Gram, please,” I said. “I’ll feed her and she’ll crash. You know that.”

  “You can’t fall behind in school.”

  “I’m fine," I said.

  Whether Delaney was here or not, I wasn't going to be doing well in school. It just wasn’t my thing, and nothing was going to change that.

  “Oh, sweet little angel,” Gram said to Delaney.

  She stroked Delaney’s cheek.

  I would never admit it in front of my friends, but Gram's touch could cure anything. She was always so soothing. But she knew how to be tough when the time came.

  “Go back to sleep,” I said. “You had her earlier. It’s my turn.”

  “This isn't your responsibility, Josh,” Gram said.

  “I know that,” I said. “But I love her. I want her to feel safe.”

  Gram sighed. “Please get some sleep too. I’ll get her when she wakes again.”

  “Deal.”

  Delaney started to fuss again as Gram walked away.

  I sat down in the old rocking chair in her room and gave her the bottle. She quickly put her hands to it and chugged. She was definitely related to me the way she ate. She could chug a bottle in no time. Then burp. Pass out. And wake up exactly three hours later looking for more.

  I mean, face it, Delaney was a big pain in the neck.

  But she was my sister.

  My only sister.

  The nightlight in the room was just enough to make out all of her perfect little features.

  I wanted to ask the obvious question… why did he leave her?

  But he left me too.