A Letter to Delilah

by Jaxson Kidman

  She could change her name and run away with me.

  We could just leave.

  Tonight.

  Right now.

  I couldn’t save Amelia…

  But maybe I could save Delilah.

  Chapter 46

  Even More of These Words

  NOW

  (Josh)

  The letters were never supposed to be seen by anyone but me. But it had gone too far. And if I had known sooner that Amelia had found the first letter, none of this would have happened.

  But here we were.

  In love. Yet hurt and confused.

  She was pregnant.

  With my baby.

  I had never once in my life thought about having a family. I never envisioned myself in the same shoes as my father. To have the capability to stay or go, to love a family or leave a family. Or to just have that sick power to walk away and start over because things weren’t perfect.

  There wasn’t a doubt in my body that I wouldn’t love the life inside Amelia. It was instant. The second I saw the picture of the pregnancy test, it was like someone snapped their fingers and the entire world changed.

  “What is this?” Amelia asked me as she held the folded-up piece of paper.

  “It’s the letter to Delilah,” I said. “The one I just wrote. You've been obsessed with her. So, there you go. Read it.”

  “You said you were giving it to her.”

  “And I just did, love,” I said.

  Amelia shook her head. “What the hell are you talking about, Josh?”

  I looked beyond Amelia and saw her cat loving roommate slinking her way toward us. She had a bag on her shoulder and what looked like a yoga mat or something rolled up under her arm.

  “I’m just going to take off,” she said to Amelia. “Give you two some space.”

  “Won't you miss your cats?” I asked.

  Amelia’s roommate looked at me with a vicious look on her face.

  “Are you okay here?” she asked Amelia.

  “I’m fine,” Amelia said.

  Her roommate left as I kept my eyes on Amelia.

  “Grace has been the only one there for me,” Amelia said. “You refused to answer your phone. Remember?”

  I curled my lip. “For good reason.”

  “Why? What good reason could you have?”

  “The truth,” I said. “That's what I always wanted to keep you from, love. The damn truth. But you always kept coming back. And there was nothing I could do short of hurting you, but I knew you were already hurting badly.”

  “So, the night I tried to kiss you? I offered myself to you.”

  “We were young,” I said.

  “No, we weren’t,” she said. “We knew what we wanted.”

  “And you didn’t know what was happening in my life. You thought I was a knight coming to save you. Guess what, Amelia? There were monsters after me too.”

  She swallowed hard. “And now?”

  “Your memory is the monster,” I said. “That’s why I lost myself so badly. There was nobody else but you. I thought I could get over it. Get away. Find a new life. But then I felt like my father. So, I went looking for you. I broke into your old house, Amelia. That’s where I was. And Aaron saved my ass. Now I talk to someone as a promise to Aaron so I could figure out my past. But there’s nothing to figure out. It’s either I have you now or I never have you again.”

  “You don’t love someone else?” she asked me with big, innocent eyes.

  It took me racing back in time to us standing there in the woods when she tried to kiss me.

  “You’re Delilah,” I said.

  “How? Why?”

  I sighed and rubbed my jaw. “That’s what we used to do, Amelia. Any girls we liked we would have them make up a name. It was stupid. I never understood it. I never wanted you near those guys or what I was doing at that time. I told them things…”

  “You told me that before,” she said.

  “But not everything. I told them we were in love. So you were off limits. I made sure they didn't come near you and you didn't go near them. I told them your name was Delilah so they would have no clue who you were. And when you were gone… I was gone… the only way I could forget you was to think of Delilah. But then it wouldn’t stop. I loved you, Amelia. I still love you. The nights walking with you. Walking you to your bedroom. Waiting for you to sleep. I replay everything. I hate myself for not taking your father down when I had the chance. I hate myself for not taking you when I had the chance. But my father… my sister… my grandmother…”

  I lost my words and my voice.

  I walked to a wall and was eye level with a basket of kittens. Little, fluffy kittens.

  Amelia’s hand touched my back.

  Every muscle tensed.

  “Just tell me why then?” she whispered. “Why didn’t you find me? Why didn't you tell me this?”

  “Tell you what?” I asked. “We were both apart. I put myself too close to the edge with those guys I ran with, so I took off to save myself. I had no ties after my grandmother passed away. She was in so much financial trouble the house was taken. And what I did to you…”

  “You were protecting me,” Amelia said.

  I turned and looked down at her. “I was protecting myself. I didn't know how to love someone like you. Yet I couldn't stop. So, I fell in love with someone else. I fell in love with Delilah. A made-up name for a person who was so real. So perfect. And beautiful.”

  “Where did you get the name?” Amelia asked.

  “My sister and the girl that used to live next door,” I said. “It just came to me one night. It was the night I told you I punched Nash. And then Murph jumped me. Things got so intense. So, I made up your name and they took off. I realized there was nothing I could do for you then. But I couldn't get away. I kept looking for you. Waiting for you. And we kept hanging out. In little chunks of time that somehow made up for the rest of the shit happening in my life.”

  “I wish I knew,” she said. “Everything. I wish I knew about your father and what he did. I wish I knew about Delaney. And your grandmother. I wish I could have been there for you, Josh. You were the strength for me. I used to talk to stuffed animals. I used to make up stories to ease mine and my mother’s mind. But it was you… just seeing you. Being near you.”

  My hands reached for her face.

  She gasped and her eyes went wide.

  My thumbs slid along her cheeks.

  I looked down and tried to picture her belly full and round. A life inside her, kicking, waiting to come out and change the world we knew.

  “I’ll always love you, Amelia,” I said.

  “Josh… everything you said in that letter… was for me?”

  “I would dream of you,” I whispered. “You and my sister. All the time. I was on a plane. I guess I was escaping or taking you with me. And maybe in some messed up way I wanted to have you and Delaney. She wouldn’t have cancer. We could be a family. But you would always jump out of the plane. Or you or Delaney would be flying next to the plane. And I could never get to you. It was like I had to say goodbye, but I refused so I had to live it all out…”

  My thumbs moved along her cheeks again.

  “That’s you, Delilah. You’re the ocean. The waves. The horizon. The sunrise and sunset against the wall, defying all process of life and infinite space. You’re the hope, the danger, the sadness, the love. Except you’re not sadness, Delilah. I’m sadness. You’re happiness…” I quoted from my own letter. “That's you… Amelia.”

  “Oh, Josh,” she said.

  She moved at me just like that night in the woods.

  My hands slid down her body, cresting over her breasts for a split second as I gritted my teeth. My hands settled at her ribs and I held her away.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “Read the letter. Then let me know what you want to do.”

  “Josh…”

  I slipped away from her. “Delilah is gone n
ow. Forever. She was the one thing that protected me from myself. It's not fair to ask you to step into those shoes, love. But just know I will always love you and I will always love our baby.”

  I left the apartment, leaving Amelia with nothing but a letter… and an unborn life inside her.

  My lip curled again.

  Maybe I was just like my father.

  Always walking away.

  I sat on the floor with my back against the bed.

  There were notebooks and sketchpads, scribbles and drawings, words and none of it made sense. Even the bottle of whiskey next to me made no sense. I had taken only a few sips before quitting on that. So, to sit there sober with a clear head was not the norm for me. I had no desire, not even for a cigarette.

  All I wanted was the taste of Amelia’s lips.

  Her body.

  I wanted to stare into her eyes.

  Hell, I wanted to gently rest my head against her belly and listen for the heartbeat of our baby. Which was impossible to do because it was impossible to see or hear, but it was there. And I would wait forever to hear that heartbeat.

  I just needed her to read the letter and understand everything. The man she knew and the protector she craved…

  I shook my head.

  My chance had come and gone again.

  She wanted to kiss me. She wanted to jump into my arms. She wanted me to carry her to her bed and show her how much I loved her, needed her and craved her. Yet again, the need to save her kept me from acting.

  The idea of Delilah had become such a part of my life… the only one who understood it was Aaron. I trusted him with who Delilah was and he was always there for me. Even the night I got into trouble, he was there. He told me right then and there that I needed to find a way to let her go. For good. To let it all go.

  I tried.

  But there was no letting go.

  My father could burn in hell.

  Delaney was a little angel somewhere, beautiful, but the sadness of her death would forever exist in me.

  Gram… I only hoped she was with Delaney wherever that was.

  But Amelia? Delilah?

  There was no way of letting her go.

  She thought I was saving her.

  When, in reality, she was the one saving me.

  I reached for the bottle and there was a knock at the door.

  I got to my feet and raced to the door.

  When I opened it and saw Amelia standing there, I didn’t know what to say.

  I had a million things to say, but didn’t know what to say first.

  “You’re here,” I said.

  “I’m here,” she said.

  “Did you read the letter?”

  Amelia showed me her hand.

  The letter was folded up.

  “No,” she said. “I don’t give a damn about Delilah.”

  “Amelia…”

  “I love you, Josh,” she said. “And look what we’ve done together…”

  “You should read the letter,” I said.

  “Why? It’s written to someone who doesn’t even exist. But we exist.”

  I inched a little closer to her. “She exists, love. She always did. That’s what you need to understand. She was the driving force behind every decision I ever made in my life. The good and the bad. I never wanted someone the way I wanted her.”

  “And now?” Amelia asked.

  “It’s the same way, love. Nothing has changed.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Josh. Everything has changed. And we have our chance…”

  I reached for Amelia’s hand. I slipped my fingers into hers. I turned and brought her with me, walking her to the large window. Outside, it was dark and quiet. We were hidden away from the world that had worked so hard to hurt us and confuse us.

  “I only ever wanted to save you, Amelia,” I said as I stared out the window. “The night I stopped you, that was part of it. If you really tried to come with me or run away with me, nothing good would have happened. I hated myself for what happened that night too. I forced myself to stay away from you. But you never left my memory. You became Delilah and then you showed up all this time later. Everything I’ve ever drawn, painted, photographed, it’s all been in your honor somehow. Every time someone tells me how great something looks, I think of you. I’ve never loved anyone like you. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone else but you.”

  She touched my arm with her other hand. As she gently hugged my arm, her head resting on it, I swallowed hard.

  “You’re not any of them,” she whispered.

  “Of what?”

  “The demons,” she said. “You never were any of them either. No matter what you think or say.”

  We fell into silence.

  Side by side.

  It was no longer just two of us though.

  There were three.

  Myself. Amelia. The life we created.

  The dream I had always wanted, right next to me.

  “Nobody was ever supposed to see that letter, Amelia,” I said. “That was the plan. To write it. To get rid of it. To move forward. But that was impossible because of you. I must have reached for the letter the night I left the gallery. I dropped it and kept going. And you found it. You fell in love with the story. You fell in love with the person who wrote it. You fell in love with the person it was written for. And yet it was your story the entire time.”

  I turned my head and looked at her.

  “The only time I ever felt safe was with you. Then and now. That’s what the letter meant to me. It was safe. I didn’t love the person who wrote it… well, I guess I did.” Amelia laughed. “I loved the way the person wrote it. The way the person was so real about his life for who he wrote it for. And I was jealous, Josh. Jealous of Delilah. I wanted to be Delilah. And know that someone loved me as much as he did…”

  “Then you get everything you want,” I said as I turned to face her.

  “Tell me what everything is then.”

  “You are everything, Amelia. I’m sorry for the way I reacted when you showed me the letter. I felt exposed. Cornered. I felt that you were chasing a story that was your own and you were going to give it away.”

  “I would never do that,” she whispered.

  “I know. And it almost meant confessing everything to you. Bringing you back into my world. Because if I ever got another chance with you, it would be the forever kind of chance. There’s no getting away this time, Amelia. It’s forever or bust.”

  Amelia placed my hand to her stomach. “I’m pretty sure we are at forever.”

  “No,” I said. “You’re wrong.”

  “Oh?”

  I lowered down and brushed my lips to hers. They were soft, sweet, delicate and my salvation. They had the temptation of whiskey and the beauty of a perfectly placed stroke on a masterpiece. I didn’t believe in heaven, but her lips were that of an angel. I didn’t believe in fate, but she challenged time. I didn’t believe in much, other than the way I loved her.

  I kissed her slowly and broke it to remind myself to breathe.

  “Amelia, we’re just starting at forever.”

  Chapter 47

  The Only Place to Be

  NOW

  (Amelia)

  His fingertips trailed up my exposed back, digging in enough that I arched it, thrusting my breasts at him. I was his for the taking. My inner thighs quivered with excitement as his thickness pressed against my core. I rocked my hips forward and back, teasing him, but I wasn’t going to win this battle.

  My hands gripped tightly to the pillows on the bed as Josh pulled me down to him.

  He left me aching for the touch of his tongue on my chest. He always knew how to make me beg for more.

  My breasts touched his chest and pressed against him. A fresh warm surge trickled through my body even though I didn’t need it. My body shivered and longed for him.

  But he was taking his time with me.

  Each piece of clothing he took off came with a kis
s to the area of skin exposed. I never thought it possible, but when he was on one knee before me, his lips kissing just above my ankle bone, it turned me on. It also helped the way he kissed up my entire leg to a sweet spot, writing the words I love you, Amelia with his tongue.

  Our lips collided in a fury. My hair fell all around us.

  The harder and faster we kissed, the harder and faster I drove myself against him, wanting him inside me. When I reached down, Josh grabbed my wrist and shook his head.

  I groaned and threw my head back.

  He kissed my neck, his tongue flickering with a speed that I had only felt somewhere else on my body.

  I swallowed hard and shut my eyes, groaning, losing myself completely to him.

  His left hand moved up my back and into my hair. He crunched up enough to put his lips to my ear.

  “I fucking love you, Amelia,” he growled.

  “Love you,” I managed to say in a breathless voice.

  With his right hand, he crested over my ass, moved to my hip then cut between us. I jumped up a little on my knees, still shaking with anticipation. His fingers grazed between my legs, fingertips dipping into my wetness just for fun.

  Josh placed himself against me and I took control of what I wanted.

  I lowered down and took him.

  He instantly groaned and hissed as his lips attached to my neck and held there.

  I moved super slowly and with purpose. Halfway down, I paused. I pulled myself back up. Josh thrust to chase me, but I stayed ahead of him. I was winning now. I was loving this now. But I couldn’t take it for too long. I lowered my hips back down, going all the way.

  Josh’s teeth touched my skin as he inched down.

  His hands moved to my hips, holding tight, guiding me against his thickness as I started to lose control… and feeling in my legs. All I could feel were my toes curled up tightly. He sat me up as he lifted and lowered his body to mine. His right hand stuck out behind him as his left hand touched my chest. I looked down and watched the way his strong hand clutched to my breast. Squeezing but not too hard. My nipple poking out between his thumb and pointer. Watching as his thumb slid over my nipple, making me jump. It was the first time I realized just how newly sensitive my nipples were. Which was another casual reminder that I was pregnant with Josh’s baby.