A Pack of Vows and Tears

by Olivia Wildenstein

  I waded through the storm-soaked streets faster, slowing only when I came upon an alley. I couldn’t repress the need to shift. Didn’t care to. I ran past corroded metal bins overflowing with the sour reek of food waste, relief flooding me when I noted that the alley spilled onto a parking lot edged with pines. Behind one of the bins, I pulled off my necklace and stashed it inside my bag before stripping out of my clothes. They were so waterlogged that peeling them off was a feat. Especially when my fingers began receding into stumps. I managed to kick off my jeans just as my knee joints snapped inward and forced me onto all fours.

  I gritted my jaw as my wolf magic swept through me in fierce, raw waves, transforming my feeble human body into a resilient mound of white fur and taut muscles. When the change was complete, I sprang out from behind the bin, ducking behind parked cars, checking for humans.

  I could hear their hearts beat in the buildings surrounding me; I could hear the timbre of their voices vibrate behind the lit windows; I could hear toilets flush, a baby wail, a young girl hum a slow tune, car tires squeal, raindrops ping off car hoods. The world turned so cacophonous and sharp it transmuted my lupine body into a livewire.

  I dashed and zigzagged until my paws hit soft earth. And then I increased my speed. For a moment I was disoriented, but did it matter? I wasn’t running toward something; I was running away from someone.

  Away from Liam.

  My fur rippled with a full-body shiver. I’d thought a Kolane could be a decent and unprejudiced man, but he’d trusted Aidan Michaels over me. Hadn’t even given me the benefit of the doubt.

  Thank God my body had locked Liam’s out last night. If I’d lost my virginity to him— I couldn’t even finish that terrible thought, so I shoved it out of my mind and focused on not losing my footing on the dicey mud and slick grass. I let the awareness of my surroundings flood me, fill me.

  Alone, I ran until the sky turned the deepest shade of night, until my lungs contracted so violently I had to stop to catch my breath. I found shelter under a stone ledge. The rain fell so fiercely it curtained off the forest. Even with my heightened senses, I could barely see three feet in front of me. I didn’t care, though.

  I lay down with my head in between my forepaws and watched the ruined world fall apart around me.

  Again . . .

  18

  I must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, something was prodding my ribs. I jerked awake and bounced onto my paws, spine snapping into alignment and teeth gnashing in a menacing growl.

  A mountain of chocolate-brown fur stood inches from me. It’s me, Ness.

  The flash of green around the wolf’s pin-sized pupils made my defensive stance slacken.

  August?

  I still kept my distance, swinging my head toward the lip of the stone ledge that had shielded my fur from the rain. Although my underbelly and legs were caked in mud, I was no longer wet. The storm had quieted while I slept. The storm outside. The one inside still raged as Liam’s accusation slotted into my mind. I expected to see the black wolf materialize between the fence of trunks.

  What were you thinking, going off on your own like that?

  I didn’t bother answering August, but I did ask, Are you alone?

  Yes. He wrung out his body, splattering mine with warm raindrops.

  Even though I wanted to trust August, I couldn’t help but flick my ears around to pick up on every sound within a one-mile radius. I didn’t think I had it in me to trust anyone ever again. Besides Evelyn.

  Evelyn . . . She was expecting me. What time is it?

  He tossed his head back, his slick brown fur rippling. What time is it? That’s what you’re concerned about?

  I narrowed my eyes. What else should I be concerned about? Has the pack voted for my demise?

  Your demise? What are you talking about?

  What do you mean what am I talking about? You were there! Liam called me a traitor. My words blustered out of me in a single, heated breath. Just because I didn’t put my hand up yesterday doesn’t mean I would betray the pack!

  Tears tracked down my muzzle, over my rubbery lips, glided between my sharp teeth. The darkness would hide them from August. Or maybe he saw them. What did I care? I might’ve been a wolf, but I was also a human. Underneath the pelt and mud, I possessed a heart, and it had been broken. And broken hearts bled tears. I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. What I should have been ashamed of was caring what others thought I had done. I knew I hadn’t sent that message, and that was all that mattered.

  Or all that should’ve mattered.

  Do you believe me, August?

  What do you think? He tried to approach me, but I backed up.

  Yes or no?

  Of course I believe you.

  He said this with so little hesitation that skepticism poked through my relief. Why?

  Green eyes steady on mine, he said, Because I can feel you. If you’d done it, you wouldn’t have been racked by anguish. You would’ve been racked by guilt. I told Liam, but he’s a stubborn ass. He’ll come around, though.

  I can’t believe I pledged myself to him. I wish I could take it back. There was so much I wished I could take back: the kisses, the caresses, the trust. Again, I shuddered.

  I suddenly wished I hadn’t stopped running, wished I’d crossed a state line or vanished into the Rockies. I could’ve stayed away from Boulder until I was eighteen, until I was free of this damned place.

  I stared at the woods longingly.

  I felt August’s muzzle push against my neck. Don’t even think about leaving.

  I turned on August. Why not? I hate it here. I hate it so goddamn much.

  He sighed, his breath ruffling the fur around my ears. That’s how you feel tonight, but tomorrow—

  That’s how I’ve felt almost every single day I’ve been back. I can count the days I’ve been happy on the claws of one paw.

  He puffed a consolatory breath against my neck.

  I’m not saying it to garner your pity. I’m just telling you because I don’t want you to think I’m being hotheaded. That I feel like leaving because of what happened back at Tracy’s. I twisted around and peered up at the veiled moon.

  Can’t let you run away.

  Why not?

  ’Cause my mother would never forgive me for letting you go off on your own.

  I let out a bitter sound that could’ve been a laugh, except wolves didn’t laugh. We cried, but we didn’t laugh. You don’t have to tell her.

  He grunted. I wouldn’t have to tell her. My mother’s all-knowing.

  I drew my gaze off the sky and onto the soft ground.

  Besides, have you thought about what it would do to Evelyn? From what I’ve heard, she cares about you a lot. How do you think she’d take your disappearance?

  She has Frank now.

  You think he’s replaced you? People can love more than one person.

  I pawed a patch of squishy earth, watching how the mud rose and molded around my claws. I really don’t want to go back.

  August leaned forward and drove his muzzle into my shoulder to get my attention. He’ll never attack you like that again. I promise.

  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

  Why do you think I wouldn’t be able to keep it?

  Because once your mom— I stopped talking abruptly. I wasn’t supposed to know this.

  Once my mom what?

  When I didn’t say anything for a full minute, he sighed. Liam told you, didn’t he?

  I nodded. Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t want to sound petty, but I wished I’d heard it from him.

  I didn’t want to worry you any more than you already were. Especially after your own mother passed away from cancer.

  My body sagged as though it was being crushed beneath tumbling rocks again. She never had a chance. Your mom . . . her odds are good. Aren’t they?

  He gave a slow nod. If you don’t stick around for anyone else, stick around for her sake.

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nbsp; I eyed August, and then I eyed the dark woods. I have no idea where I am anymore, August. In the woods, but also in my life, I was so incredibly lost.

  I’ll show you the way back. He started walking but stopped when I didn’t follow.

  How did you even find me?

  I can sense you, Ness. It’s pretty much all I can sense these days. The damp breeze rushed his words to my ears.

  I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure why I was apologizing for something I had no control over.

  He rolled one of his shoulders in a shrug, then faced away from me and started up again. I’m sure it’ll get more manageable.

  I was no longer the small pup he’d run alongside six years ago, but I still had to lengthen my strides to match his own. He must’ve noticed, because at some point he slowed his brisk pace. Silence grew and grew between us, but there was nothing awkward about it. If anything, it was like a balm, healing the deep cuts Liam had gouged in me.

  I’m glad you’re home, I whispered.

  August looked at me in that quiet, all-seeing way of his. Once you get back with Liam, you’ll probably change your mind about that.

  I bristled, horrified he thought I would go back to Liam. I might be all over the place, but I do have some self-love. Liam and I, we’re not getting back together. I thought about the time he’d sniffed me. I forgave him once before.

  Although cloaked in fur, his limbs seemed to grow harder. What did you forgive him for?

  August’s green eyes bore into mine, but I didn’t explain. I would take what had happened between Liam and me to the grave.

  Even though the sky was mottled with pale puffs of clouds, I could still make out the glittery pinpricks of stars. They made me think of my father, of the night we’d star-gazed from our rooftop. He’d been such a gentle and righteous man.

  A man who would never have lashed out at someone so bitterly and so publicly.

  There were some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. I’d rearranged those lines to allow Liam closer, but after today, I would paint new ones around myself and wouldn’t let anyone undeserving past them.

  19

  August had parked his pickup in the lot where I’d morphed from human to wolf. He’d tracked my scent from Tracy’s to the metal bins behind which I’d taken cover to strip.

  Boulder was quiet and dark when our claws clicked onto the lot’s pavement. When we reached the pickup, August’s spine heaved, and then his brown fur receded into his dark, bronzed skin. When he unfurled, all his joints and muscles elongated and thickened until his backside was entirely man and no longer wolf. I noticed a line of puckered skin at the base of his spine. I wondered how he’d gotten that scar. When he began pivoting, I averted my gaze, taking great interest in the scratched rim of his back wheel.

  A car door clicked, and then fabric rustled and a zipper purred shut. Only then did I let my gaze drift back to August. Lucas said I needed to get used to nudity, but it was easy for the males of the pack. They’d grown up walking naked around each other; I hadn’t.

  Barefoot and shirtless, August extended a cream flannel button-down to me. “Your clothes are still damp.”

  The shirt dangled between us. Was he expecting me to shift in front of him? When I didn’t make any move to snatch the shirt, he draped it over the side of the cargo bed and turned. I was thankful he’d understood my mute plea. Closing my eyes, I arched my back and allowed the magic to pulse through my limbs and drag away the fur, the claws, the fangs, and every other part of my lupine constitution. My ears migrated back to the sides of my face, my jaw flattened, my lips reshaped.

  Back in skin, I pressed my hands into the damp gravel and rose, bones clicking as I stretched to my full human height of five-seven. Glancing sideway to make sure August was still turned, I plucked the shirt from the bed and speared my arms through. I fastened the buttons quickly, leaving smudges of mud on the soft material that smelled so strongly of August it made my head spin. Or maybe it was the miles I’d traveled at breakneck speed that was making my head spin.

  Pushing my stringy hair back, I said, “You can turn around now.” My voice sounded raucous, as though it, too, had been dragged across the rough terrain.

  As August turned, I tugged on the hem of the shirt, thankful he was an entire head taller. Otherwise, the shirt would’ve exposed a lot more of me.

  “Thanks,” I said, nodding to the shirt. I pinched the hem to prevent the material from flapping open.

  He palmed his close-cropped hair. I’d never known him with any other haircut, but I remembered Isobel showing me pictures of him as a toddler where his face had been haloed by a mane of soft curls that couldn’t seem to decide which way to bend. Only two things remained of the little boy from those pictures: the spray of dark freckles over his nose and cheekbones, and the penetrating green eyes flecked by sable and gold. But where the boy had had a soft jaw, the man’s jaw could saw through wood.

  “Feeling better, Dimples?”

  The nickname startled me. I’d spent my childhood hearing it, responding to it, but I wasn’t sure I liked it anymore. It made me feel juvenile. I didn’t say anything, though. To August, I supposed I would always be the little pigtailed girl he’d ferry to and from school on his way to work.

  “Ness?”

  “Hmm.” I released the lip I was reflexively sliding through my teeth.

  “Are you feeling better?”

  “Yeah.” I wasn’t.

  When he cocked an eyebrow, I added a meek smile.

  “I promise. Running cleared my head.”

  Although he still didn’t seem convinced, he tipped his head to the truck. “Get in. I’ll give you a lift back to the inn.”

  He pulled the door open. Clutching the shirt closed, I heaved myself onto the bench seat and slid all the way to the passenger side door. The scraped leather was rough and cold against the backs of my thighs.

  “I need to stop by my new place first.” If only I’d had the presence of mind to run toward it instead of—I looked around the lot—wherever it was I’d ended up.

  “New place?”

  “Yeah. Jeb and I. We’re going to be living in town. In an apartment on 13th Street.”

  He slowed at a traffic light. “You are? Why?”

  “Because my cousin sold the inn to Aidan Michaels.”

  August turned toward me, his stomach muscles rippling in the faint moonlight. For someone who’d sprinted through a drenched forest, he looked incredibly clean, barely flecked with mud.

  Unlike myself . . .

  My thighs were smeared brown, and my hair felt like dreads. A glimpse at myself in the side mirror confirmed the dreads part. I rolled my hardened hair into a larger rope, coiled it, and threaded the ends through to make it hold.

  “You’re kidding me?” August whispered.

  “Afraid not.”

  August shook his head as though trying to drive the new information into it.

  “Effective upon Everest’s death. I bet that’s why Liam believes I saved my cousin’s life,” I grumbled. “To make sure the inn didn’t switch hands.”

  The word backstab shrilled in my brain again. I pressed my fingertips against my temple and massaged it. “Actually, can you drop me off at the inn? I need to grab a couple things. The apartment isn’t exactly move-in ready.”

  There were mattresses, but no sheets, no pillows, no cleaning products, and no food.

  “Sure.”

  While we drove, I took my phone out of the bag. My screen was full of messages. Mostly from Evelyn and Sarah, but one of them—a missed call and a voicemail—was from Everest. I dropped my phone onto my lap, then fumbled to grab it before August could see the name in the notification bubbles.

  “Is everything okay?”

  I blinked at him like a deer in headlights; I hoped I didn’t look like one. “Yeah. Just Evelyn worrying. I was supposed to go sleep at Frank’s place tonight.”

  I called her to prevent August from asking me anymore questions.

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sp; “Querida!” she exclaimed, ridding me of a couple decibels of hearing. “You are alive! Dios mio, I thought . . . I thought. Do not do this to my poor corazón or I will not make old bones!”

  I smiled at the butchered expression, at the love that seeped out of all the Spanish interjections. “I’m so sorry. I had dinner with a friend and lost track of time. Are you still at the inn?”

  “I waited forever, but Frank insisted on taking me home. He said you went out for a run with a friend. I do not like you running around the woods at night.”

  I tightened my hold on the hem of the flannel shirt. “I was in . . . in my other form. It’s safer for us at night than during the day. Besides, like Frank said, I was not alone.”

  “Are you coming over now? I made your bed.”

  A made bed in a house with Evelyn sounded like heaven. I checked the clock on my phone and cringed when I noticed it was almost ten-thirty. I still needed to grab stuff from the inn, drop it off at my new place, shower, and change.

  “I can be there in an hour. Is that too late?”

  “What sort of question is that?” She sounded insulted. “You don’t think I would wait all night for you?”

  Her words filled me with affection. “Okay. I’ll be there in an hour then.” I added a whisper-soft, “I love you.”

  Not for the first time, I silently thanked Frank for having placed Evelyn in my life. What would I have done without her?

  “Not as much as I love you,” she answered.

  After I disconnected, I drove the heel of my palm into one eye and then into the other. Even though I’d napped in the woods, I felt exhausted. Surely an accumulation of too many short nights and too many high-stress days.

  When the pickup slowed in the inn’s circular driveway, I balled up my clothes and bag.

  “Thanks for coming to find me, August.” I smiled at him before hopping out of the car and shutting the door.

  As I started toward the entrance, another car door clicked shut.

  I spun around to find August ambling toward me. “What are you doing?”