Cheesy on the Eyes: Fake Dating Romcom (Slice Book 5)

by Teagan Hunter

  “Did you just rearrange your dick and balls because I moaned?”

  I choke.

  On my own fucking spit.

  Right in front of her.

  “Jesus, Thea,” I manage to force out. “Simon wasn’t kidding about you.”

  She grins at me, nothing apologetic in her smile. “What can I say? I’m nothing if not honest.”

  I want to laugh, because she definitely wasn’t honest when she tricked her ex-boyfriend into thinking we’re dating, but…semantics.

  I certainly didn’t let that stop me from helping her.

  There was something about her that screamed genuine.

  And though she wanted me to lie, which I am not a fan of, I couldn’t ignore my instinct.

  She takes another bite and emits another moan. This time I’m inclined to believe she’s doing it just because she knows it affects me.

  I ignore her and grab a slice for myself.

  “This is an awful lot of sugar,” I say, eyeing the pie.

  “And every single bite is worth it. Just eat it. Trust me.”

  “Trust you? That’s a bold request from someone I just met. I don’t even know your last name.”

  “Schwartz,” she says as she swallows, dabbing her lips with her napkin. “Thea Schwartz.”

  “Schwartz…” I know I’ve heard that name around these parts before. “Is that like—”

  “Jonas Schwartz? Star NFL quarterback? Yes.” She rolls her eyes, but the smile playing on her lips shows her pride. “He’s my little brother.”

  “Damn.” I let out a low whistle. “Didn’t he almost lead his team to the Super Bowl his first year playing?”

  “Fucking braggart,” she says, but again, there’s no disdain in her voice. She’s clearly proud of her brother’s accomplishments, and I kind of adore that.

  “I heard he’s getting married. Congratulations to him.”

  “What about you? What’s your last name?”

  “Not one I want to be associated with,” I tell her honestly.

  She pauses in her movements, the slice of pie she’s about to take another chunk from poised at her mouth.

  Thea looks like she wants to ask questions, but to my very pleasant surprise, she doesn’t.

  Instead, she takes another bite, chewing slowly, eyeing me.

  I don’t back down from her curious stare, letting her take her fill of me, drawing her conclusions.

  I’m used to it.

  Growing up with a convict for a father will do that.

  When I saw my ticket out of that town, I took it. My arrival here wasn’t necessarily quiet considering the first thing I tried to do was fight my now best friend Winston Daniels, but I’m just chalking that up to one too many whiskeys. I’m not even much of the drinking type, but that night called for it.

  I’ll do anything to protect my family, especially considering all we’ve been through.

  “So, Sullivan No-Last-Name, what are you doing the rest of the day?”

  “Is that your way of inviting me back to your place for that sex you owe me?”

  She doesn’t even bat an eye. “As long as you don’t mind my roommate playing director, we’re all good.”

  “Gosh, I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I guess this can be my big break. Just make sure you film my good side.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll get plenty of your ass in the shot.”

  I grin. “You haven’t even seen my ass.”

  “You’re right. Maybe you should finally hit the can, and I promise to check you out on your way through. If I’m still here when you get back, consider yourself a worthy candidate for my sexcapades.”

  I laugh, shaking my head. But seriously…I do have to take a leak.

  I don’t dawdle in the bathroom, relieving myself as fast as I can and making my way back to the table, not wanting to miss a second of her banter.

  Except the booth is empty when I get back.

  She’s gone, and so is the pizza.

  There’s nothing but a hasty note scrawled across a napkin.

  You just saved my ass more than you’ll ever know.

  Call me sometime?

  XOXO

  Thea

  910-555-0321

  She left her number.

  I grin but try to school my features.

  After all, I have a part to play, and I can feel Jaden’s eyes on me. I should probably be annoyed my girlfriend just dashed out of here, not smiling.

  I give Jaden a wave, rolling my eyes and gesturing in a vague fashion. “Women,” I explain.

  He laughs, because he’s that douchebag, and I take my chance to hightail it out of there, hoping to catch my mystery woman in the parking lot.

  Who the hell are you, Thea Schwartz?

  Slice Three

  Thea

  “Mom! Pops! I come bearing treats!”

  I stride through the front door of my childhood home, not bothering to knock because even though I might have moved out when I was eighteen, this will always be my home.

  My parents texted while Sully was in the bathroom, telling me they wanted to talk.

  I didn’t waste another second before bolting out of there. I felt bad for leaving him hanging, but I did not want to risk having to talk to Jaden again. I’m horrible at lying, and he’s just the person who’d be able to see through our charade.

  At least I jotted down my number right before making my getaway. Now it’s up to him to use it, and I’m kind of hoping he didn’t find me too crazy and does.

  Because Sully’s ass? Yeah, I’d bet a hundred bucks that guy never skips leg day.

  He seemed fun, laid-back, the kind of guy who could be looking for what I am—a good romp in the sheets. I don’t want anything serious—I’m not ready for that—but having a little fun never hurt anyone, right?

  I make my way to the kitchen, stopping to look at the pictures adorning the walls, the images of me and Jonas through all our different stages of life.

  I smile when I see him holding up his first football trophy. Who would’ve thought all these years later he’d be playing pro ball? I sure as hell didn’t, especially not with how much he struggled at first. I couldn’t be prouder of my little bro, though. He might still annoy me whenever he’s home, but I don’t mind claiming the dork as kin.

  Besides, it helps me score major points with the dudes on dating apps, and lord knows I could use all the help in the world in that department.

  It’s hard to find someone in general, especially after getting your heart eviscerated, but small-town dating? Damn do I have my work cut out for me. You either grew up with every eligible bachelor and know exactly why they’re still a bachelor, or you scare off the transplants when you dish details about your personal life—or at least that’s my problem.

  It might sound stupid, but every guy I’ve tried to date has always had something to say about my career choice.

  “You’re a mechanic? Isn’t that, like, a man’s job?”

  “Female mechanic? Is that even a thing?”

  My personal favorite was when we got a flat on the way to dinner: “I’ve got this. No way I’m being shown up by some chick.”

  It’s the same shit over and over again. Hell, even toward the end, Jaden started making snide comments about my job.

  “I hate when you come home smelling like grease. It reminds me of a man. You’re starting to make me feel like the girl in this relationship.”

  Because for some reason I can’t possibly have a vagina and like working on cars. If I have boobs, I must only enjoy things like beauty pageants and staying home to bake cakes.

  It’s not that there’s anything wrong with either of those things, but they aren’t my things. I should be able to have my own interests no matter my gender.

  I shove my thoughts away, tucking them safely back in my Woe Is Me box, and paste on a bright smile for my parents.

  Except when I round the corner to the kitchen, it goes unseen.

  They’r
e too busy sucking face like a couple of horny teens.

  “Ugh,” I groan. “Get a room, you two.”

  My parents pull themselves apart, my mom tucking her lips together and burying her face in my dad’s neck. At least she bothers to look embarrassed. My dad just rolls his eyes, saying, “Last I checked, you don’t live here. This whole house is our room, cockblock.”

  “Oh my god!” I cover my ears. “What did I tell you about calling me that?”

  “What?” His voice is full of unwarranted innocence. “It’s what you are. It’s what you’ve been since the day you were born. I’m surprised we even found the time to sneak away and make your brother.”

  “Make my brother?” I screw my face up. “That somehow sounds worse than you just saying having sex.”

  “I prefer gettin’ jiggy,” my mother interjects, apparently having gotten over her embarrassment.

  “I regret coming here,” I mutter, turning to leave as my parents burst into laughter behind me.

  “Don’t go, Thea! We’re just messing with you. Come on in here. We have some exciting news.”

  “Fine, but no more talk of sex or jiggy or whatever you want to call it. Deal?”

  “Deal,” they promise in unison.

  With reluctance, I take a seat at the table, noting that they’re both sipping wine from Solo cups like they always have.

  I might give them a hard time about it, but I love that my parents are so affectionate after so many years together. I know firsthand how hard it is to keep a relationship going. To still be so strong after thirty years and two kids? Well, they get all the kudos from me for keeping their shit together.

  “You look tired.” My mom’s lips pull down at the corners. “Have you been sleeping?”

  “Yeah, just busy keeping up with the shop since that dicklick Mark was fired and we’re low on techs.” I look to my dad before he can even say anything. “Don’t apologize again. You didn’t know he was a gross pig.”

  Two weeks ago, a tech got handsy with me, and I fired him on the spot. That pickle we were already in with being short on employees? Yeah, it got a whole lot worse. That’s exactly why I was at Slice catching up on work today. I’ve been hands-on in the shop all week trying to pick up the slack, and there’s been minimal time for paperwork.

  He nods, not saying anything, but I can see the regret and tiredness in his eyes. He’s just as exhausted as I am.

  “What’s that?” my mom asks, changing the subject and trying to peel open the Slice takeout box. “I thought you hated pizza.”

  “Why is everyone on my ass about that today?”

  “Because it’s unnatural. Isn’t it, Harvey?” My dad grunts a response. “So, what’s in the box?”

  “What’s in the box?” my dad screams, à la Seven.

  I ignore him and flip the lid open. “I give you…dessert pizza!”

  “I thought you were pretending they don’t serve dessert pizza?”

  “I was, but…something came up today and it was warranted.”

  “Oh, Thea.” My mother laughs. “Only you would cave to the sweets in your savory sanctuary. Is Slice ruined for you now?”

  And miss running into Sully again?

  “Nah, I’ll go back. The dominant scent there is still tomato and cheese, so I think I’m safe.”

  Chuckling, she pushes herself off my dad’s lap, heading to the cabinet for a couple of plates. She serves us each a slice, and we all dive in, letting the conversation pause as we stuff our faces with sugar.

  “So,” my dad starts once his plate is cleared, checking the old watch that’s been strapped to his wrist since I was a kid. “We have some news.”

  “Yeah? Does it involve you telling me I’m adopted? Because if so, I already know.”

  “Trust me, you’re not adopted. I remember the sixteen hours of labor I had to go through just to get your stubborn little ass into the world.”

  “Here we go again…” I mutter.

  “And I remember those sixteen hours of getting blamed for all her pain,” Dad adds. “You are definitely not adopted.”

  “A girl can dream,” I tease, shoving the last bite of my slice between my lips. I grab the empty plates and head for the dishwasher. “What’s this good news you have?”

  “Well…”

  There’s obvious excitement in my mom’s voice, which can only mean one of two things.

  One, they won the lottery.

  Or two, it has something to do with Jonas.

  “Jonas is getting married!”

  “Hey, sis.”

  I spin around, surprised to find my not-so-little little brother and his soon-to-be wife standing in the kitchen entryway.

  “Right on time,” my dad says.

  “What the…”

  I spring into action, throwing my arms around his middle. He hugs me tightly, pressing a kiss to my head. For being my little brother, he isn’t so little.

  “I can’t believe you’re here, you shithead.”

  “Surprise,” he says, pulling away and grinning down at me. “What? You’re not gonna congratulate me on my upcoming nuptials?”

  I swat at him. “I’ve known you were engaged for months, idiot. I’m just wondering why you’re back now. You’re not getting married until this winter, I thought.”

  “Well, about that…” Jonas looks over at his beautiful fiancée.

  She grins, and then lays a hand on her stomach. “We kind of thought we’d get an early start on things…”

  “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I scream like a damn kid hollering after the ice cream man. “Are you serious?” I squint at her still flat abdomen. “You better not be screwing with me…”

  Frankie laughs, and Jonas looks at her like she’s his everything. “We’re as serious as my awful morning sickness and cravings. Speaking of cravings, I see you have something from Slice. Please tell me it’s A Slice of Love.”

  “Nope. Better.”

  She lifts a brow, not believing me. “Better than white chocolate strawberry cake?”

  “It’s their new Brookies & Cream,” I tell her. I usher her toward the table, Jonas following closely behind. “I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt,” I say, pulling out a fresh slice of pie for Frankie. I offer Jonas a piece, but he waves me away, patting his stomach.

  “No thanks, gotta fit into my tux later this month.”

  “This month?” I ask. “I thought you were getting married in February…Oh!” I gasp. “Oh my god. You’re getting married this month and I’m going to be an aunt?”

  “Well, not this month,” Frankie says, beaming up at Jonas. “But given our little surprise and the start of next season approaching fast, we did have to move the wedding up to the beginning of next month if I don’t want to walk down the aisle looking like a beached whale.”

  Bliss radiates off them, and my eyes fill with tears.

  “Go ahead. Get it all out,” my mother encourages. “That was me yesterday when I found out.”

  Except I can’t tell her the water welling up in my eyes isn’t exactly elation.

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy for my brother.

  I just can’t help but feel like I should have been first.

  That’s the way it’s supposed to go, right? The oldest gets married and starts a family first. But even if I had the time to make a real go at things with someone, I can’t seem to make anything last past a few dates these days. I don’t even have a steady booty call.

  Besides Jaden, my longest relationship lasted one month until I found out that what I thought was exclusive…wasn’t.

  Shaking off the annoyance over my sad love life, I pin Jonas with a glare. “We’ll talk about the fact that you told them first later.”

  He holds his hand up in innocence. “It just sort of happened. We were FaceTiming and Frank got sick right on screen, and since—”

  “Since I lived through eighteen months of pure torture and pushed two babies out of my vagina, I caught on to what was
happening real quick,” Mom finishes.

  “Letica, you’re scaring Frankie,” my dad tells her softly.

  There’s a slice of pizza frozen in the air on the way to Frankie’s mouth as she stares at my mom, horror all over her face. “I’ll be puking the whole time?”

  Mom shakes her head. “Oh, no. Of course not, dear. What I meant to say was, I shit rainbows for all nine months, and if I could be pregnant forever, I’d do it.”

  Frankie bursts into tears—hormones, I assume—and rushes from the room.

  “Way to go, Mom,” Jonas says, running after his bride.

  My mom takes off after them, trying to apologize through her laughter.

  I look to my dad, who has the dopiest grin on his face.

  “Is it wrong to say I love her even more for that?”

  “Considering she probably just scarred Frankie for life, yes, but you two have a twisted sense of humor, so I’m not surprised.”

  “It’s where you get yours from, you know.”

  “Yes, and I’m sure that’ll help in my ongoing effort to wrangle a man and settle down someday. I mean, shit, even Jonas is getting married before me.”

  “Marriage is overrated.”

  “Claims the guy who has been married for over thirty years now.”

  “Which just means I have the experience to back up said claim.” He winks. Then he frowns. “Look, peanut, I know things are nuts at work being shorthanded, but they won’t always be. I’m sure it’s putting a damper on your social life. We’ll get that fixed soon, okay?”

  “I know, Pops, but I’m happy being single. Don’t worry about me.”

  He eyes me, not believing my words, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by his skepticism.

  It took me years of convincing him to let me manage our second location on the north end of the island. He was confident I was throwing away my life and my skills by shackling myself to some “small-time shop on some small-time island”. He wanted me to get out there and travel and discover what I love to do while I’m still young before “settling” for working for him…or being with Jaden. I argued with him about it for so long, but he wouldn’t budge.