Impolitic Corpses

by Paul Johnston

  ‘Stop it, darling,’ said Penny firmly. ‘Can’t you see that Dalrymple’s trying to rile us?’

  And succeeding, I thought – at least fifty per cent.

  ‘That must be a dangerous procedure,’ I said.

  Penny kept her eyes off me. ‘It is. That’s why we haven’t agreed to it.’

  ‘And we like being together,’ said Amber.

  The surgeon was now holding a scalpel in his right hand. ‘Shall we get started?’

  ‘Hold on,’ I said, masking my terror. Flattery was one of my few remaining weapons. ‘You ladies must be powerful to be here in Scotland. Do you let him order you about?’

  ‘Of course not,’ snapped Penny. ‘For your information, we’re the republic’s principal trade advisors. Mr Sebastian is our personal consultant.’ She smiled thinly. ‘And deliverer of pain. I know exactly what you’re doing, Quintilian. It amuses me to toy with you.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Amber. ‘Toy with you.’ Her head was twitching; she resented not being the dominant twin. ‘We want Scotland’s energy and we aren’t going to pay a rand for it.’

  ‘Dearest,’ said Penny. ‘Be careful.’

  ‘You’ve financed and armed the Nor-English to squeeze our government’s balls.’ I chose my words carefully because I wanted to see how worldly they were.

  Amber laughed, while Penny raised her eyes to the ornate ceiling. I noticed that it was dotted with bullet holes, presumably dating from the drugs wars.

  ‘You’ve got someone working for you in Nor-England, haven’t you? Someone who’s in Edinburgh right now. Someone with an interest in Hieronymus Bosch.’ I paused for effect. ‘Gemma Bass.’

  Penny turned to her sister and they started to clap hands. They’d clearly worked at it, but the movement was disconcerting. It looked as if they each controlled their own side of the shared torso.

  ‘Maybe you’re not as foolish as we thought,’ said Penny.

  ‘And your country is behind BirdMammon in Luxembourg, yes?’

  They nodded, Amber more energetically.

  ‘This is rather entertaining,’ Penny said. ‘Go on.’

  ‘There are Bosch cults in South Africa, but you aren’t members.’

  Amber looked at her sister, clearly hesitant.

  ‘No, we aren’t,’ said Penny. ‘They … they don’t want us.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, with genuine sincerity.

  ‘We don’t care,’ said Amber. ‘Besides, they need us to advise on their deals. We’re mathematical geniuses.’ She frowned. ‘But they won’t let us meet anyone from the other delegations.’

  I saw how Sebastian was looking at her, wondering if he wanted to separate them so that Penny would be without her naive sister. If Amber’s head was removed, would Penny survive without her twin? I resolved that, if I could save myself, I would save them from the teratologist too. He was the real monster in the room.

  ‘How did you find out that I killed your father?’

  Penny gave Amber a warning look. ‘We read your novel, Quintilian,’ she said. ‘The Body Politic. Good title, but full of lies and evasions. The man who saw you kill our father made it known that he would share important information with people able to pay for it. We heard about that and extended feelers. You cut the Ear, Nose and Throat Man out of your novel and we’re going to cut pieces out of you.’

  My heart missed several beats. ‘Have you any idea what your father was like?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Amber mildly. ‘A rapist and killer – the worst kind of man.’

  I had few cards left. ‘Whose genes made you what you are.’

  ‘That is of no significance,’ said Penny. ‘Our mother left letters telling us exactly what he was. But he was still our father. In the new South Africa, family is of the utmost importance, no matter what individual members do.’

  I remembered the short-lived governments after apartheid. Nelson Mandela had been a hero across the world – until he and most other heads of state were overthrown.

  ‘Cut him, Mr Sebastian,’ ordered Penny. ‘How about his digits to start with?’

  I almost lost control of my bladder. The teratologist put down the scalpel and picked up a pair of vicious-looking shears.

  Then the room metamorphosed into an abattoir.

  First there was the crack of breaking glass. Through a small parting in the velvet curtains the muzzle of a machine pistol appeared. There was a burst of fire that put down the men who’d dealt with Davie. One of them was only wounded and reached for his pistol. Davie suddenly came alive and grabbed the man’s arm. It snapped loudly and the gorilla started screaming. Meanwhile, Sebastian had dropped the shears and picked up a narrow probe. He pulled me to my feet and used my body as a shield. The point of the probe was close to my right eye.

  ‘Drop it!’ Davie yelled, aiming the pistol at us. ‘You’ve got five seconds.’

  ‘Drop that pistol,’ said the teratologist. ‘You’d never allow me to blind your hero.’

  I wondered where he’d got that idea. It was the kind of thing Hel Hyslop would say in a mocking tone. I opened my eyes wide in Davie’s direction. To my surprise, he took the hint and lowered the pistol.

  ‘You behind the curtains!’ Sebastian said, jerking me round. ‘Come out now or Dalrymple loses an eye!’

  Katharine was on the spot, but I could help her. I jerked my head away from the probe.

  A single shot rang out. The teratologist dragged me backwards, then his arm slipped away and he crashed on to the table with his instruments. He wouldn’t be needing them any more. Katharine had blown his left eye out.

  The twins stood stock still as Davie and Katharine approached. Amber’s mouth was open, but Penny was in control of herself. She took in the weapons pointed at her and her sister, then let fall the scalpel she must have picked up when I was being held by Sebastian.

  ‘You’re wasting your time, whoever you are,’ Penny said. ‘The house is full of armed men.’ She raised a finger. ‘Katharine. You’re Katharine Kirkwood.’

  ‘How do you know that?’ Katharine shook snow from the hood of her coat.

  ‘We heard you’d been in Edinburgh,’ said Amber, turning her head away from the dead surgeon.

  ‘You seem to know a lot,’ said Katharine. ‘Who have you bribed?’

  ‘Who haven’t we?’ said Penny, with a caustic smile.

  ‘There isn’t time for this,’ said Davie, collecting weapons from the blood-drenched men on the floor. He cut Margaret Macdonald’s bonds and helped her to her feet. She looked bemused.

  ‘Come with me.’ He led her to the curtains.

  ‘You too,’ I said to the twins. ‘Take those blankets from the sofa.’

  I wrapped one around them. I threw another to Davie and he put it over Lady Margaret’s shoulders.

  ‘We don’t want to,’ said Amber, biting her lip.

  Penny took a step forward. ‘Don’t worry, dear. They won’t hurt us.’

  ‘We won’t,’ I confirmed.

  There was hammering on the door, which Davie had locked when he got up.

  ‘Take them, Quint,’ he said. ‘I’ll hold them back. Give me that machine pistol, Katharine.’

  ‘Still no manners,’ she said, handing over the weapon and taking a pistol from him. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘What about Aku?’ Amber asked.

  ‘He’s made his choice,’ I said, disinclined to aid the Finn, who was cowering in a corner.

  Katharine led us out, after opening a high French window. ‘Run to the first four-by-four. I’ve demobilized all the others.’

  I helped Margaret Macdonald, who seemed only partly conscious. The twins were able to take rapid steps in the fresh snow that had fallen since we arrived. Heavy flurries filled the air. There were only about thirty metres to go. Several bursts of fire came from the room we’d left. Davie appeared, pounding through the snow, then almost going his length as he took evasive action. On his knees he emptied the machine pistol’s magazine at the win
dow and came weaving towards us as shots were fired at him.

  Katharine got the engine started. I went in the back door after the twins and Lady Margaret. There was just enough room. As soon as Davie got in the front, she reversed the four-by-four away at speed and then carried out an impressive turn on the move. Before I could compliment her, she put her foot on the brake.

  ‘Out you go, big man,’ she said. ‘I turned the engine over. The key’s in the ignition. I take it you can drive a tractor.’

  Davie grinned. ‘I take it you can follow without crashing into me.’ He disappeared into the snow.

  Amber laughed, her expression ardent in the dashboard light, while Penny had her eyes closed. A childlike adventuress and a cold thinker – how did they share the same body? Then again, they were supposedly both advanced mathematicians.

  A few seconds later the lights of the tractor came on and it moved forward, the snowplough coming down. Katharine went after it, again demonstrating more skill than I remembered.

  ‘Have you been doing a lot of driving recently?’

  ‘We don’t have many vehicles. We use most of them to take supplies to the remote parts of our territory. I do a lot of that.’

  ‘I thought you were a leading light.’

  She snorted contemptuously. ‘Everyone mucks in, Quint. We don’t have ranks or classes.’

  ‘How peculiar,’ said Penny.

  Katharine looked in the mirror but didn’t comment.

  I watched as the tractor moved to the side of the road. I wondered what Davie was doing and then saw what remained of the gate and sentry-post disappear into the snow-covered bushes alongside the road.

  ‘That should be it,’ said Katharine. ‘Coast clear.’

  ‘Where are we going?’ asked Amber.

  Katharine glanced at me. ‘Coast as in …’

  I got her drift. We were heading for where the Dundonians had been put up by Rory. What kind of welcome would they give the twins sitting next to me?

  We were lucky with the roads. There was enough snow to be a problem, not least with the windscreen wipers, but not too much to stop Davie’s plough. Margaret Macdonald had fallen asleep – I wondered what the late Edward Sebastian had been drugging her with. We made it to the outskirts of Edinburgh, where there was very little traffic, so not many people saw the incongruous tractor as it headed to Cramond and the Georgian house in a secluded estate where Rory and his crewmates were ensconced. Thankfully, there was no ScotPol presence.

  ‘What is this place?’ Amber asked.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘it’s safe.’

  ‘That wasn’t what I asked.’

  Penny looked at her. ‘Are you all right, dear?’

  ‘No, I’m not. We’ve been in a gunfight, kidnapped and now have no idea where we are. Hasn’t the seriousness of our situation struck you?’

  ‘Well, no, not really.’

  ‘This isn’t one of your stupid excursions! We’re not going to see the Eiffel Tower!’

  ‘That was nice,’ said Penny. ‘Such a shame the top had been blown off.’

  ‘Come on,’ said Davie, opening the door. ‘Inside, all of you.’ He extended a hand to Penny, but she ignored it and the twins manoeuvred past him. Amber smiled tentatively, but Davie’s expression was neutral. I woke Lady Margaret up gently and helped her out.

  Inside, Rory was waiting. For some reason he was wearing a kilt. I’d never seen him in one. Edinburgh people generally didn’t, preferring tartan trews for formal wear. He was the perfect host, bowing to the Lady of the Isles and then the twins, showing no surprise. He hadn’t been advised that Amber and Penny were on the way, let alone Lady Margaret, as communication had been hampered by the weather.

  There was a lot of noise from the rear of the house; men were shouting and laughing, clearly lubricated by alcohol. Amber looked interested, but Penny was disdainful.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she demanded. ‘Is there a riot?’

  ‘Please follow me,’ Rory said, going to a door at the back of the black-and-white-tiled hall. He led us into a small and snug sitting room with Scottish landscape paintings on the walls – made a change from Hieronymus. ‘Would you like something to drink? To eat?’ he asked.

  Davie had stayed in the hall so there wasn’t an instantaneous positive response. Amber looked keen but Penny was continuing her impersonation of Queen Victoria on a day when John Brown had called in sick. Margaret Macdonald settled in the armchair I’d led her to, pulled the blanket around her and dropped off.

  I took Katharine into a corner.

  ‘Can you stay with them?’

  She gave me a dubious look.

  ‘I’ll keep you advised of what’s going on. Please. I don’t want the Dundonians to see them.’

  ‘They learn manners in Dundee, you know, Quint.’ Then she nodded. ‘All right. I almost froze out at the big house. It’ll be good to warm up in front of that fire.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I moved closer. ‘And thanks for your intervention at the Binns.’

  ‘Couldn’t have you wearing an eye-patch,’ she said, with an unusually sweet smile. ‘You’d look so dashing.’

  ‘Ha. You’ll pick their brains? Amber gives more away than her sister.’

  ‘Penny is a strong woman, I admire that. But, yes, I’ll try to bring them out of themselves. If that’s an acceptable way of putting it.’ She squeezed my arm and went over to the twins.

  I angled my head at Rory and he left the women with a cheery smile. Back in the hall, he stared at me.

  ‘What the hell, Quint? Who are they? She? I don’t know what.’

  I explained. He tried to take the story in, but it was clearly a struggle.

  ‘I need to talk to Lachie.’ He smacked me on the arm. ‘Well done, Quint. You’ve gone a long way to clearing up this mess.’

  I wasn’t so sure. The Nor-English and their army were still a major problem, as was the current government. We would be in danger if Duart and Hyslop found out where we or Lachie and Angus Macdonald were. Though we did have the crazy gang from Dundee on our side.

  ‘Any news from Knee?’ I asked.

  ‘Not since the last time I was in touch with Lachie. The snow’s even worse to the south.’

  ‘Pity they didn’t find a snowplough like we did.’

  He beckoned to two armed men. They took up position outside the sitting-room door.

  ‘Come on, Quint.’ He went to another door and unlocked it. He turned the key on the other side when we were both in what had been a library – all the books formerly on the shelves would have been burned for heat during the drugs wars. ‘There’s a phone here. The line was terrible when I spoke to Lachie earlier. Let’s hope the snow hasn’t cut it.’ He dialled the number and waited.

  ‘Why are you wearing the kilt?’ I asked.

  ‘The crew from Dundee brought it. And insisted I put it on in front of them.’ He shook his head. ‘They pulled my shorts off too.’

  ‘Good to know.’

  He raised a hand and then spoke a jumble of letters and numbers. He was in the fortunate position of having an actor’s memory. I had difficulty remembering more than four numbers in a row. Eventually, he started talking comprehensibly, telling Lachie what I’d said to him. It took some time, including pauses from what I imagined were expressions of astonishment from Edinburgh’s elected leader. I wondered if ScotPol had a tap on the line. Maybe some local had seen or heard the Dundonian horde, or Rory’s people coming and going. It didn’t look as if the house had been occupied for some time. Finally, he held the receiver out to me.

  ‘What the fuck, Quint?’ said Lachie. ‘But good work, all the same.’

  ‘We’re not home and dry yet, but at least you can tell old Angus we’ve got Margaret. Are the Nor-English staying put?’

  ‘They are. I’m not sure what to make of that.’

  ‘Could be that Gemma Bass is pulling a fast one – found some reason to keep them in Embra till the South Africans make contact.’ />
  ‘Which they won’t now.’

  ‘I don’t know. The surgeon Sebastian – he was more than just their private doctor. If there are others, they may have realized he’s been compromised and press on with a plan we don’t know about.’

  Lachie laughed. ‘Compromised? Your former girlfriend shot him dead. She and Davie dealt with plenty of the South Africans’ hired help. We can hope that the snow’s making life difficult for the survivors. In the meantime, we have another problem.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘My people in parliament are telling me that Andrew Duart’s going to declare martial law.’

  ‘Shit.’ I thought about the consequences. ‘Meaning the Scottish Defence Force will join with Hyslop’s ScotPol to lock the country down. Just as well we’re already operating undercover.’

  ‘It had better stay that way. We could use those twins to put pressure on the South Africans. Assuming the Nor-English are in cahoots with them, they must fancy their chances of defeating our military.’

  ‘Who’s their boss?’

  ‘Good question. I know their trade mission personnel, but none of them are still officially in Scotland. Then again, neither are your twins. There could be any number of blond-haired Boers sneaking around.’

  ‘Thanks for the thought.’

  ‘Hmm. How are you going to save the city like you’ve done before?’

  ‘I may have lost my touch. Leave it with me.’

  ‘All right, but time’s running out. Give me Rory.’

  I did so, and then sat down in an armchair that had so much horsehair sticking out that it resembled a porcupine. We could give Amber and Penny the fourth degree, but I didn’t have the stomach for that. Then again, Amber at least might react well to a softer touch. They must know about the South African plans.

  I heard loud voices approach, then several gunshots that caused more uproar. I ran out of the room and into the hall, but I was too late.

  Rory went past me and pushed through the mass of Dundonians wearing black combat fatigues. They were armed with pistols, knives and rifles, and some had grenades hanging from their belts and other straps. Those at the front had broken through to the sitting room where the twins were. There were curses and expressions of disgust.