by Maya Riley
Groaning, I slid the handheld, computerized item-scanning device—or PDA, as we not so affectionately called them—into my belt holster and pushed my cart to the backroom. After leaving a note on the cart, labeling it as stock that still needed to be placed back onto the shelves, I made my way to the service desk in the front of the store.
“Hey, Pete,” I acknowledged as I approached, and leaned forward with my elbows on the counter. He greeted me with a smile, his dark blond hair moving slightly with the tilt of his head. His eyes were as dark as ever, peppered with flecks of amber, as he peered at me through his glasses, making the butterflies that lay dormant in my stomach flutter to life. He was adorably handsome, and I never failed to notice that over the last two and a half years that I’d been working with him.
I’d had a crush on him for a while now, but my main focus had always been on climbing the Carbolitas. I’d tried relationships, but they only got in the way. Real relationships were too time consuming and no guy I’d dated wanted anything to do with this climber life. For now, the only guys I regularly talked to were my climbing partners, which was usually just about climbing, and Pete, who helped me keep my sanity during the retail life work days.
“Morning, Cam.” He knew how much I hated to be called by my full name, which was something the manager, Sam, didn’t care about at all, as evidenced by how he called me up here. I was grateful to Pete for caring enough to remember.
“Cameron!”
Speak of the devil. I spun around and saw Sam walking straight toward me.
“I need you to make sure the returns get put back before you leave,” he ordered. He stopped in front of me, standing with his back straight, his hands in his pockets. I was pretty sure his favorite hobby was to find the one thing that would tick a person off, and use it against them every chance he could. He had certainly found mine.
I looked over at the full cart of items, and then down at my wristwatch. Fifteen minutes. I could make that happen.
“You got it, Cameron?”
My head snapped up and I saluted him. “Got it, Samuel.”
He looked at me with his favorite pissed off look, really the only look he ever seemed to have, but I was pleased with myself. A grin threatened to break through, but I tamped it down.
My twenty-fifth birthday was coming soon, and I didn’t plan on sticking around here that long. I had bigger things to accomplish.
As Sam walked away, I let out a breath and moved behind the service desk with Pete, before pulling the walkie-talkie off my hip and calling Caroline, who happened to be walking back right then.
“Hey, Caroline,” I called to her. “Here’s a cart of returns for you to get through.” I grabbed the handle and wheeled the cart out to her.
She looked at me and I shrugged. “Sam’s orders,” I said, which wasn’t entirely a lie. He only said to get it done, he didn’t specify how.
As she walked away, I joined Pete behind the service desk, turned around, and leaned back with my elbows against the counter. The clock above ticked on, and I was pretty sure it was broken. For some reason, the clock at work moved much slower than any other clock I’d ever seen. Twelve minutes to go now, when I felt like I should’ve left over an hour ago.
“You going to the park again?” he asked, catching my attention, and I turned to see him giving me a knowing look. Not a bad look, not an accusative look, just a look that said he knew what I was going to be up to and he wouldn’t judge me for it. That was one of the many things I liked about him, he didn’t judge me. Everyone else was all, “You really risk your life on a string of floss?” No, Karen, I risk my life attached to a climbing rope and a belayer. There’s a difference. I didn’t know what the hell everyone else flossed their teeth with, but I sure didn’t stick a 9.5mm wide, hundred-foot long rope in between my teeth.
I shrugged. “May as well get in some light bouldering.”
Pete knew about my climbing ambition and encouraged it. Hell, last year he even bought me a new pack to carry all my gear in. It was one of the best birthday presents I ever received.
Normally, I’d hide away on my birthday and try to forget why I didn’t have a brother to share it with. I’d lock myself away from the world, staying in my apartment. I’d turn off all the lights, light some candles, and sit in the dark with the candles flickering. Sad music would play to drown out my thoughts as I stared at the wall, withdrawing from the world.
Two years ago, Pete had come by. When I didn’t answer the door, the little shit tried the window. He found me huddled in a corner by the couch and held me while I cried in his arms. We stayed like that the rest of the night. He found out then why I was now an only child, and made it a point to ensure the next birthday, and all the ones after, would be a good experience. It was then I realized I had feelings for him, but he was an all-around nice guy to everyone and I didn’t want to read into anything.
Plus, when he was holding me, he was wearing the same brand of watch that Clif always wore, a Garmin one that was nearly indestructible. At least, it survived the fall. Clif wore that damn thing everywhere and when I saw the same one on Pete’s wrist, I began balling even harder. I couldn’t remember if I’d told him about it, but I never saw him wear that watch again.
Then, on my last birthday, he didn’t give me the chance to lock myself away. He showed up bright and early that morning and made me breakfast against my wishes. It was the best pancakes, eggs, and bacon I’d ever had. He got me out of my apartment and we walked through the park, talking. We people watched and made up stories for everyone we saw. We pet all the dogs we passed then got the best gelato in town. Later, he presented me with the new pack. It was amazing. It’s still in great condition too.
“So, your birthday is coming up soon. What are we going to do this year?” He looked at me expectantly. He anticipated spending my birthday with me all over again as a repeat of last year. Well, the last two years, but the first one wasn’t planned. I really should’ve come up with some sort of excuse by now.
He knew what I was training for, that I was going to leave some day to make it happen. He just didn’t know that it was going to happen on this upcoming birthday, and this would actually be my second to last day at Rayel’s. I knew if I told him, he’d follow me despite any protest I’d give. He’d done some climbing and was in good shape, but he wasn’t ready for this, and I didn’t want to be responsible for him putting his life on the line. Even the most experienced climbers made mistakes, and I couldn’t live with myself if something were to happen to him as a result of him supporting me.
“I have some ideas in mind,” I answered with a shrug. Which was true—just most likely not any of the ideas he had in mind, or anyone’s mind for that matter.
Checking the clock, I pushed myself off the counter, pulled out the spray bottle and roll of paper towels from underneath, and proceeded to wipe down the register. As I was finishing, I waved at Sadie, who was just walking into the store for her shift. Pete still had another hour to go, but my time was up. The outdoors were calling, and I wasn’t going to keep them waiting.
“Welp, my time is up. I’ll see you later,” I said. I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, so I decided to run instead before he could try to make any plans for this weekend that I wouldn’t be able to commit to. It was safer for him if he didn’t follow.
Tossing the used paper towels in the trash can and the spray bottle back underneath the counter, I hurried on down the hall to where the time clock was and punched out. Grabbing my jacket off the hook and tossing it over my shoulders, I pushed my way through the back door and out into the sunshine.
The sun felt nice on my face, a huge relief from the overly air-conditioned building. I approached my car and took the jacket off my shoulders since it wouldn’t be needed after all, and threw it into the passenger side of the car.
Jumping into the driver’s seat, I shut the door, started up Mendy, my Chevy Malibu, and high-tailed it out of the parking lot. It was only about a ten minu
te or so drive to my favorite bouldering spot. Turning onto the dusty, unpaved road, I drove a little farther until I reached my spot with the large boulder about ten feet high, set a little bit away from the climbing wall that ran the length of the park which most climbers frequented. There were other large bouldering spots randomly placed around, but this one was perfect for the middle of the day. It had the morning heat to keep the rock comfortable in the afternoon, but the afternoon shade made it so it didn’t to fry you to a crisp.
I came to a stop and turned off the engine. There was no sign of anyone else around, so I pulled my bag from the back seat and quickly, uncoordinatedly, changed clothes.
Throwing off my shirt and tossing it to the back seat, I left my sports bra on and threw a light blue racerback shirt over top of it. Tugging down the khaki pants, I quickly replaced them with black stretchy shorts. I attached the carabiner with the car key onto my strap and tucked it down into my sports bra, then opened the door and got out.
My phone buzzed from the back seat, and I pulled it out and answered. “Hey, Mom,” I greeted. She liked to randomly check up on me, especially since I didn’t do a very good job with keeping her updated on my life.
“Hi, sweetie. What’s up?” My mom’s voice sounded sweet through the phone.
I’m up, that’s what. At least, I’m about to be up on this boulder. “Not much, just hanging around,” I hedged. She didn’t need to know how literally I meant that.
“How’s work?” she asked, searching for information.
The question I was dreading. I never did tell her that I quit my office job and started working retail. I needed more time for climbing and by leaving I made it happen. “It’s good,” I answered as vaguely as possible. Keep the answers short and simple, and there may be a chance this could be over soon.
“Have you considered looking into any promotions at work, and moving into a higher position?” She wasn’t very subtle on the direction she wanted my life to take. Constantly climbing the corporate ladder wasn’t exactly on my list of priorities. Now, climbing my favorite mountain range in the world, that sure was.
“I’ve considered some, but right now I’m just enjoying what I do.” I cringed. That response wouldn’t be what she wanted to hear.
“You need to think about your future. Do you have a ten-year plan? Or at the very least, a five-year plan? We’ve gone over this.”
“Mom,” I groaned. There was a bee flying to a nearby flower that suddenly became very fascinating. Its little wings beat frantically until it touched down on the soft purple petals and proceeded to collect the pollen. It was a honeybee, harmless and more interested in flowers than in people.
“You’re about to turn twenty-five. You need to have a plan. Work hard, make money, and find a guy and settle down. You need to decide where your life is going. These are things you should’ve already figured out.” There it was. The main reason she called. If she remembered the pact Clif and I made years ago, then she knew this would be the critical time to try and derail any plans I still may have in place.
I answered with silence, mostly because I was trying to contain the anger boiling up inside of me. Ever since Clif died, she’d thrown herself into her work, completely neglecting the family she had left. Hell, I couldn’t even entirely blame Steve, my father, for abandoning us, since Mom kind of did so first, but I held them both at fault. I was the only one who didn’t curl up into a ball and pretend that nothing ever happened. I broke, I healed with eternal scars, and I kept moving.
“Why can’t I enjoy my life? Have a job that I look forward to every day, and simply be happy?” I challenged her. Normally I would just keep tight-lipped, but I was leaving soon for the biggest adventure of my life. No one was going to stand in my way, especially not those who’d forever given up.
“Because ‘having fun’ won’t take you anywhere. You gotta know where you want to go and make sure you get there. You need to work hard and have a plan for your life.” Her words echoed the same thing she’d been drilling into my head over the last seven years.
The only plan I had for my life was the Carbolitas. I never once thought about what would happen after. Whether or not I even lived to decide on what to do with my life afterwards, I didn’t care. That was my only goal, and I didn’t distract myself with possibilities of what may or may not be. All I wanted to do was try. The promise I’d made Clif was not going to be thrown away like tomorrow’s broccoli recall.
“I do have a goal, and I’m going to get there,” I answered in a low and determined voice, ready to see if she could tell what I was really referring to.
There was silence on the phone, and I had a feeling she knew what I was talking about, but it didn’t matter anymore.
“You’re not climbing, are you?”
Yup, there it was.
“I told you. I have a goal, and I’m going to get there,” I repeated, not bothering to be vague anymore.
“Cameron—”
“My name is Cam,” I interrupted her. “And you know why. You and Steve are the ones who introduced us to climbing, to this life. You raised us in it since before we could walk. And now you’re trying to take it away.”
“He’s still your father, no matter how far away he might be. He raised you and deserves the respect of being called Dad.”
“Burying your heads in work or hookers’ vaginas won’t erase the fact that he existed. And it sure as hell won’t make me stop climbing just because you did.”
“You know full well why we all stopped climbing—”
“No, you stopped climbing. You and Steve stopped climbing. You both stopped trying at everything in general. Just because you guys forgot how to live—forgot that he ever lived—doesn’t mean I have to as well.”
The line was silent and I breathed heavily. A small sob drifted to my ear, and I felt a pang of guilt rattle in my chest. The rawest truth always hurt the most.
“You know why. Climbing, our drive to push you guys, is what got him killed. Do you really want to end up like he did? Six feet under after a closed casket funeral? For me to lose my only other child that way?” Mom argued.
“This isn’t about you. This is about me. This is about him and honoring his memory. You know full well that he wouldn’t have wanted us to turn out this way and clash so much. We used to be happy. We used to be a family.”
There was silence on the phone, and after a few moments, I hung up. I was done. Nothing could change my mind about what I was going to do. If she wanted to stop me, then she was going to have to go to the Carbolitas herself. Then she’d have to follow me up, and end up doing the climb herself, because I wasn’t going to back down. I wasn’t going to let someone else’s fears pull me down to her level. I was going to do this, even if it killed me.
I tossed my phone through the car window and onto the back seat. I didn’t need any more distractions than I already had. What I needed was for my head to be in the right space.
I rounded the car to the back and popped the trunk. Looking inside, I pulled the tube of sunscreen out of the side pocket of my bouldering bag and slathered up. Once I felt covered enough, I tied the chalk bag around my waist, grabbed my climbing shoes, and approached the wall.
I stood there for a moment, shaking out my hands and arms while I looked up at the massive bouldering wall, trying to map out my first boulder problem.
Once I got it, I sat down on the ground, took my tennis shoes and socks off, and slipped into my climbing shoes. After lacing them up to a snug fit, I stood up, blew out a breath, and stepped forward.
Reaching out, I wrapped my hands around the first handhold, keeping my thumbs together. I started low, bringing my feet onto the wall, and scrunched my body together.
I arched myself back and then pulled forward, propelling myself up in a dyno move. Grabbing on to my next hold, I swung my feet until they found purchase, and dug my toes into the small ridge of stone.
A couple more moves like this, and I’d reached the top. Pulling
myself up and over the lip of the ledge, I topped out. I swung my body to the side and plopped my butt down, and hung my legs over the ledge, looking out. I loved it up here. This was my favorite spot to boulder, because it had the best view from the top. It was a great place to watch the sunset. It was still too early for that though, since there were still a few more hours to go.
I blew my lips out in a raspberry and lay backward, resting my back against the heated rock. Lifting my eyes, I looked up at the sky and watched the clouds pass by. I couldn’t wait for the day I could feel like I could touch them again. That was one of the things I loved about the Rockies, hiking and climbing through the clouds. Climbing was the closest I’d ever come to flying.
Only one more day. My twenty-fifth birthday was coming up soon and I was getting ready to head out. In a couple days, I’d finally leave my life behind. I’d graduated college, much to my mother’s pleasure, but it was not what I’d wanted.
She’d pushed for me to get a degree in business management, claiming that being independent and making my own money was the way to go in life, so I tried college her way but it was miserable. I left behind the life she expected, and got a job that allowed more flexible hours for climbing.
I never told my mom that I still climbed, but I was pretty sure she knew on some level. She was never the same after Clif died. That was the day our whole world changed, and my family’s dreams died with my brother. The day my family stopped trying to live, and focused only on surviving, even if it was slowly killing them from the inside out.
My dad left. He couldn’t deal with the heartbreak of losing his son. He blamed himself, saying he was the one who had set the anchor and that he didn’t do it right. That he should’ve been able to stop his fall, catch him, and pull him back up toward safety.
He turned to alcohol and left us. He found a new family and only called once a year. I dreaded that phone call every year.
My mother locked herself away from the world, and tried to get me to do the same.
The new life she wanted me to have wasn’t enough for me, and I was too stubborn to lay down and accept it. I still had one unfinished dream. No matter what, I would accomplish it. Not only for Clif, but for myself as well. It definitely wouldn’t be for the rest of my broken family.
