A Family for Gracie

by Amy Lillard

  Then the question became: What was worse? Marrying a man she might not like, or living the rest of her life without a family of her own?

  Being alone. That was the worst. Everything else she could get through. With God’s help, she would make it work.

  Mind made up, she rolled onto her side and went to sleep.

  * * *

  Gracie pulled to a stop in front of the bishop’s house and wished that she had taken Eunice up on her offer to come with her. She hadn’t wanted Eunice around, poking holes in her plan and making her second-guess her decision. Like Gracie wasn’t doing that enough already.

  That was one regret. The other was that Matthew Byler was already inside. Bending the bishop’s ear with . . . with . . . did he know anything about her at all? She stumbled halfway to the porch. What if he decided that he didn’t want to marry her because he didn’t know anything about her, and how could he let a stranger look after his children? Or maybe he had found out some things about her and didn’t like what he heard. She was fairly average, she supposed. Not too loud, not too quiet. She hadn’t done anything wild or crazy during her run-around years. Not many did in their community. It simply wasn’t allowed. But that was good, right? Sure. Unless he wanted someone who was a lot of fun. Like Leah. A person couldn’t have anything but a great time around Leah. Maybe he wanted someone like that to be his partner for life.

  She tripped again, then stopped before she fell flat on her face. She had to get control of her emotions before she went inside. The bishop would never agree to a union between the two of them if she was as skittish as a newborn colt.

  She drew in a deep breath, held it, and closed her eyes. Dear Lord, I pray I’m doing the right thing. I mean it looks like the right thing to do. What with me wanting a family and him having one that needs someone to watch over them. That looks like Divine Will. That looks like a plan of Your making. If it is, Lord, please give me a sign. Show me what I’m doing—what we’re doing is truly Your Will. Ame—

  “Child, are you going to stand out here all day, or are you coming in to discuss this marriage?”

  Gracie didn’t even get to finish. She opened her eyes to find Elizabeth Raber standing on the porch, eyeing her with a touch of concern. The bishop’s wife had a hand braced on one ample hip and a wooden spoon in the other.

  Was this her sign? How was she supposed to know?

  “Gracie?” The worry in Elizabeth’s voice far outweighed that in her eyes.

  “Jah.”

  Elizabeth shifted her weight and cocked her head toward the other side. “Jah you’re going to stay out here all day, or jah you’re coming inside?”

  “Jah.” Gracie nodded her head this time, as if somehow that made everything clearer. She wanted to say she was coming inside, because that was exactly what she wanted in her heart of hearts. And it was, so why was she hesitating?

  Because it was a big step and the bishop’s wife coming out onto the porch to see what was taking her so long didn’t seem like much of a sign.

  “I was just putting on a batch of chocolate chip cookies.”

  Chocolate chip cookies? Those were her favorite. Well, one of them. And surely that was the sign she had been asking for.

  Gracie forced a smile and made her way to the house.

  * * *

  “I’m not going to pretend this is a love match,” the bishop started, “so I have to tell you, marriage is forever.”

  Or “until death do you part.” Matthew shifted uncomfortably in his seat. They were all sitting around the dining table, plates of chocolate chip cookies in front of them and fresh cups of coffee to the side. No one was eating save Gracie. He didn’t have an appetite for anything sweet right now. It was too much to add to his already churning stomach. He was nervous. And he had been praying that he was doing the right thing.

  She, on the other hand, was shoveling in cookies as if they were about to be verboten. He supposed all these changes weren’t bothering her at all. She was getting what she said she wanted, a family. And he knew for a fact that she traveled a great deal among family members, helping out where needed. Moving into a strange house was probably nothing for her. And if she went to that many houses, surely five children would be a piece of cake. Or maybe a chocolate chip cookie.

  She eased another one onto her plate, then glanced around to see if anyone noticed.

  He averted his eyes to keep from embarrassing her. Or maybe she didn’t mind at all. Who knew?

  He should if he was going to marry her. But their marriage was to help them. No, it wasn’t a love match. And some called it a marriage of convenience. But he knew that it was just the way life worked. He’d never thought about marrying again. Not really. His first marriage had been trying enough. But he needed help, and the best way to get that was to marry.

  And she was getting her family. Don’t forget about that. That should make him feel better. And it almost did. But the family they had at the start was all the family he wanted. No more children. It was simply too hard. He had put Beth through all that for the sake of family; he wouldn’t do the same to Gracie.

  “I understand.” Matthew’s voice sounded hoarse, so he cleared his throat and nodded.

  They waited for Gracie to answer, but she was once again busy sneaking another cookie from the platter.

  “Gracie?” the bishop asked.

  She stopped, looked up at him guiltily. Then she dragged the cookie onto her plate. “Jah?”

  Matthew had seen enough. At first he thought she was uncaring and so content with her decision that she was plowing through the cookies like she didn’t have a care in the world.

  But now he thought better. Her eyes were clear blue, but big and scared like a doe in the woods. She chewed on her bottom lip and shook her head, as if somehow that would replay what she had missed and give her the answer.

  He reached across the table and took her hand, which was slightly calloused, but soft in all the right places. That was just Amish women. They worked hard taking care of the kids and the house. They couldn’t be expected to have the skin of a princess.

  “The bishop was reminding us that marriage is forever. Are you still agreeable to your decision to marry me?”

  She swallowed hard but nodded like she meant it.

  “Even though there is no love between us?”

  “Eunice always says love will come.” Her voice was a little muffled from eating cookies, but it sounded steady and true enough.

  Still, a stab of guilt shot through him. He couldn’t love her. No matter how sweet her eyes were and how cute she looked sneaking cookies like a toddler. Love didn’t solve everything. He had loved Beth. There had been a time when their marriage was strong and healthy. That was when he thought nothing could touch them, nothing could ruin their joy. How wrong could one man be?

  Perhaps it was better she learn that lesson from him rather than have to go through it herself with another man. His guilt eased a bit.

  “So they say,” he murmured.

  She looked down at their hands, lying on the vinyl tablecloth. His gaze fell there as well. He was rubbing his thumb across the tender skin between her forefinger and thumb. Back and forth, back and forth. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it. They looked back up at the same time, their gazes clashing—hers soft and warm. He could only imagine how horrified his looked.

  He jerked his hand away, unwilling to give her false hopes.

  Her sweet gaze turned cloudy with confusion, but Elizabeth spoke, and she shifted her attention to the bishop’s wife.

  “Some marriages are even stronger when love isn’t clouding the way.” She looked at each of them in turn. Had she seen his caress?

  Heat filled his face. He had been caught like a schoolboy making goo-goo eyes at the teacher. Elizabeth Raber didn’t miss a thing.

  “If I’m understanding everyone’s wishes and reasonings, this union will provide a stable home for five young children, one of which is just an infant. How can I deny s
uch a joining?”

  Matthew almost crumpled in relief but managed to keep his spine straight and his gaze steady. He turned to Gracie and smiled. Well, he tried to. It felt a little strange on his lips. Then he realized it had been a long time since he’d smiled at anyone or anything. Not even his children. How had he allowed this to change him so much? He had to fix that. Somehow he would.

  Gracie smiled in return, but hers looked as hesitant as his did forced. Maybe it was time to start praying. That might be the only thing that would get them through this.

  Chapter Five

  Gracie looked around the room and smiled even though she felt guilty. She smiled because they wanted her to and she didn’t know who might be looking. Today was sewing day. She and Eunice, along with Hannah, Leah, and a couple of women from the church had gathered to get the dresses and shirts done. Normally she would have bought the material for everything, given the yardage for the shirts to the groom, and sewn the dresses herself. But this wasn’t normal. Matthew didn’t have anyone to sew for him. The truth was he didn’t have anyone to stand up for him either. Dave had agreed, and Jim had looked visibly relieved that the responsibility wouldn’t fall on him. One attendant was enough for a hurried wedding. Plus Aaron would be at a horse auction that weekend and Jamie had turned Mennonite. The bishop was being generous, but no one wanted to push him any further than necessary.

  And then there was the time crunch. There was too much to do for her to go it alone. So everyone had gathered together and made something of an assembly line to sew dresses and shirts. There were two sewing machines at the house and they were manned by Eunice and a woman named Lavina King. She was a kind woman prone to help others, but Gracie suspected that she had agreed for the main purpose of finding out the latest information on the wedding. The four-one-one, Brandon would have said, though Gracie had no idea what the numbers had to do with gossip.

  “You know I haven’t done this in sixteen years,” Hannah grumbled.

  “It’s good for you,” Eunice said. She didn’t even bother to look up from her machine.

  “Amish women need to learn how to sew.” Leah snickered.

  “Oh, just because I didn’t darn my own socks while I was ‘out of the country,’” Hannah returned.

  “Jealous, much?” Leah grinned and kept on sewing.

  “Girls,” Eunice warned, though everyone knew the two were just playing. Twins were like that, Gracie supposed. But she’d wondered when the remarks would come out, since Hannah was standing up for Gracie. Again, Leah was Mennonite and the bishop was already bending a lot of the rules. If only Tillie were there.

  She and Tillie had practically grown up together and were truly like sisters. But now Tillie had left to go to the Englisch world with her boyfriend, Melvin, who wanted to work on engines. Gracie missed her so very much and prayed daily for word from her that she was fine and okay. But so far, only the one letter had come, and then there was the one she left the night she disappeared. At least Hannah and Leah were back.

  When they had left to go to the Englisch world, Hannah had turned Englisch, married a wealthy man, and lived a life of luxury that Gracie could hardly imagine. Leah went looking for herself. At least that was what she said. Maybe not word for word, but it confused Gracie a bit. She didn’t understand it anyway. How could she be lost inside her own skin? But Leah had gone looking and joined a missionary group who traveled to foreign countries and helped out the poor.

  That was something Gracie could understand, missionary trips. She had even been on one. She had gone all the way to the Mississippi Gulf Coast to help after the hurricane, but she had heard of other Amish girls who had gone all the way to Louisiana and Texas. She had thought perhaps one day she might do that herself, but now she wouldn’t be able.

  But she would have a family, and that was worth any sacrifice she might make.

  “Ouch.” Leah shook out her hand and then sucked on one finger.

  Hannah sniggered, and Leah shot her a look. Gracie sighed. She loved her cousins so much. They were the sisters she never had, even with the gap of years in their relationship. And she was so glad they had come back. Now if they could just get Tillie home . . .

  “Hey, are you back there?”

  All heads turned as someone called from the front of the house. Anna, Jim’s wife.

  “In the dining room,” Eunice called.

  Abner had pushed the table to one side, brought in the sewing machines, and took out all the chairs except the ones they needed. It was a lot for one day’s work, but Abner didn’t seem to mind. He did what he was asked, then headed to his work barn to make his sheds. Too many women in the house would make any man uncomfortable, but Gracie knew that Abner liked to keep busy and most likely had a side project he wanted to work on as well as a shed for a customer.

  Anna and her oldest and only daughter appeared in the doorway. Anna held a plate of sandwiches while seventeen-year-old Libby carried a pitcher of iced lemonade. Baby Samuel clung to Anna’s legs, seeming unsure of the visit. Gracie supposed she shouldn’t call him a baby any longer. He’d be three in the fall. He wasn’t quite potty trained and usually ran around in an Amish dress, but today he wore pants and a shirt. Gracie supposed Anna had put a diaper on him for the occasion and that was what was making him uncomfortable.

  “I thought you might could use this.” Anna smiled and carried the plate of sandwiches to the table. She set it down and reached into a bag for a short stack of paper plates and cups. No dishes today.

  Libby set the lemonade next to the platter, then moved to stand beside Gracie. She looped her arm through Gracie’s and laid her head on her shoulder. Gracie resisted the urge to sigh once more. All this wedding business might not be traditional, but she was having the same doubts and anxieties as any bride. Well, maybe not Hannah. She was ready to marry Aaron in a wedding that was fifteen years in the making. Leah had already married Jamie, so they could legally adopt his orphaned nephew and give him the stable home he needed. Anna and Eunice were too removed from their own weddings to fully understand. That had been so long ago for them. But Libby understood. Gracie wasn’t too old to remember what it was like at seventeen, dreaming of marrying a good Amish man who had swept her off her feet during her run-around time. But it just hadn’t happened that way.

  “Gracie, why don’t you get the plates ready,” Eunice said.

  “Jah, of course,” she answered, but before she moved away, she clasped Libby’s hand and gently squeezed it. Libby squeezed back, gave her a smile, then let her go. At least someone understood.

  * * *

  “You’re what?” Stephen’s forehead crinkled into a frown.

  “He’s getting married.” Henry nudged him with his shoulder.

  Stephen nudged back.

  “Boys.” Matthew had gathered his boys in the living room, sat them all down on the couch, and shared his news. Thankfully, Grace had finally cried herself to sleep and was down for a nap. Her misery broke his heart, and he had no idea how to make it better.

  “Why?” Stephen asked.

  “You’re not supposed to ask why,” Henry chastised. “You’re supposed to ask to who.”

  “To whom,” Matthew automatically corrected. Then he shook his head at himself. When had he turned into Beth? Lord above, he needed to get married if only to save himself from . . . himself.

  “To whom?” Stephen asked.

  “Gracie Glick. You might remember her from church.”

  “Is she the one who came over here with chicken and ducklings?” Henry asked. “Those were good.” He rubbed his stomach and licked his lips to show how much he enjoyed them.

  “No, she’s the one who brought the casserole. And it’s dumplings, not ducklings.”

  “Is she the one who made Grace stop crying?” Stephen clarified.

  “But she started up again,” Henry said.

  “She’s pretty,” Benjamin said. His voice was quiet, timid, and almost a whisper. He was a quiet child by nature,
but with three brothers like Stephen, Henry, and Thomas, he seemed to melt into the background. Matthew found himself seeking out the child if only to make certain he was fine. So often he seemed lost in the shuffle.

  “Yes,” Matthew admitted in a croaky voice. She was pretty, but he couldn’t tell his boys that his marriage wasn’t about having a pretty wife. Like they would understand. But Matthew needed to work out this new twist his life had taken. His brother was in Ohio and wasn’t sure if he could make it down for the wedding. What he would give to sit face-to-face with Jason and talk through this whole situation until it made sense.

  “Why?” Henry asked.

  Stephen crossed his arms and looked down his nose at his brother. “I thought you weren’t supposed to ask why.”

  Why? Why was he marrying Gracie Glick? Not for any of the usual reasons—love, or even companionship. He searched his brain for a reason. The only thing that popped into his mind was that verse in Corinthians about staying unmarried and if a man can’t control his desires he should remarry. Why was that his first thought? He certainly couldn’t tell his boys that was the reason, Biblical or not. One, because it wasn’t true and two, he would have so much more to explain than he was ready to talk about with them.

  “Is it because she made Grace stop crying?” Henry asked.

  “I don’t like it when Grace cries.” Thomas finally found a spot where he could jump into the whirling conversation.

  “Nor do I,” Matthew assured him. “But she will help me take care of... the baby.”

  “And she’ll cook?” Henry asked. Honestly, every thought the boy had centered around food these days. Beth always said that meant they were going into a growing spurt. He pushed the thoughts of Beth away. He didn’t want them. But he was finding it hard to let go. He seemed to think of her more and more these days. Not in a romantic way, but in an everyday way. And once again he wished his brother were there. Not that Matthew could tell Jason the truth about Beth’s death.

  “She’ll cook.” Matthew nodded.