Secret Way to the Heart

by Camille Regholec

  “What in Sam Hill do you think you’re doing?” A lantern blinded her from visual identification, but Jayne instantly recognized the deep timbre of Jeremiah Bronson’s voice.

  Jayne froze in the light, her eyes widening in fear and frustration. What was he doing here at this time of night? Shouldn’t he be home reading the Bible or putting his daughter to bed, or something?

  “Miss Jayne!” Jeremiah’s shock was apparent. When he took a step closer, Jayne ducked her head. How quickly she had been discovered. How quickly her disguise proved useless! With her chopped hair standing up in wild peaks, she must look a sight. For all the good it did to dress in these baggy clothes, Jeremiah had identified her almost immediately, quickly dashing her optimistic plans to pieces.

  She slipped a shaky hand through her hair as sudden tears ran down her face. If the man noticed them, he gave no consideration. There definitely was no sympathy in the voice that seemed to roar in her ears. “What have you done to yourself?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, mister.” Jayne lowered her voice in a futile attempt to continue the masquerade, but she knew in her heart it was a lost cause as Jeremiah grabbed her arm with his free hand and drew her even closer to the light.

  “Stop it, Miss Jayne!” He shook her arm as he dragged her outside the church into the night. “Do you really think anyone would believe you are a boy?”

  “Well, maybe not people who know me,” Jayne conceded, her voice rising as she tried pulling her arm free. “But when I arrive in Kingston, who would know?”

  “You are a foolish young lady, Miss Jayne.” Jeremiah turned to place the lantern on the blue stone step, loosening his grip slightly as he did so. Jayne pulled free, catching him off guard and took off like a fox, running as fast as she could through the dark. The victorious feeling of freedom lasted only a short distance when his hand snaked around her waist and he lifted her feet off the ground. His voice growled in her ear. “Enough! Give thought of your parents!”

  “My father would fight to the death to save any slave from bondage,” Jayne stormed, struggling to be free of Jeremiah's firm clasp. “It is only his age and failing health that keeps him from going! What is your excuse?”

  “Lower your voice. Are you trying to wake the snakes? The world does not need to know of your actions,” Jeremiah commanded, giving her another small shake as he returned her feet to the ground. He released her waist but grasped her shoulders as he made her face him. “Do you think I have no desire to fight for freedom or that I do not care for the plight of others? I do not need an excuse. I do not go because I know where my responsibilities lie. I have an ailing guardian and a young daughter who has no other relatives.”

  “Why don’t you get yourself a wife to take care of Hope?” Jayne tried to jerk free. “Or does she have to be a true Southerner like my sister-in-law? Or a spy like you?”

  “You have no idea how silly you sound,” Jeremiah answered her and gripped her shoulders a little tighter. “I am no spy. The people I help would never think of returning to where they left. I assist runaway slaves not runaway girls with crazy ideas. And for your further interest, when my wife died two years ago, I had no desire to find another wife. Now with my many responsibilities, I have no time.”

  “I-I’m sorry.” She stopped struggling, regretting her statement, but silently asking herself, Why does that information make my heart beat faster?

  “No you’re not,” Jeremiah stated flatly. “You are too busy thinking of yourself to be concerned about anyone else.”

  The truth of the statement caused Jayne to slump in his arms. She felt remorse at her wayward emotions which he’d clearly identified. “I truly am sorry.”

  “Be what it may.”

  Clearly he still didn’t believe her, and before she could say another word, he fired off more questions that went directly to her heart.

  “What of your parents? What of your nephew? Have you no heart for David Moses, who depends on you for love and guidance?”

  Jayne did not want to think of David Moses and his confusion at not seeing her. “My mother would take good care of him until my return.”

  “Have you given any consideration to how she would feel, her two children lost to war?”

  “Jim is not lost! He’s alive! We don’t know if he’s even a prisoner!” she sputtered furiously up into the man’s shadowy face.

  Jayne could not see his features, but she could imagine that the anger in his eyes would match the emotion heard in his voice. They were standing so close Jayne felt his ragged breath across her cheek and their two hearts racing almost like they were in one body. She stood trapped under his strong hands, and a strange sensation filled her to the core. She was not afraid of this man, because she knew his anger was because of concern. And something else. She could not explain it, but it excited and frightened her at the same time. The emotion was so unexpected she began to struggle harder to be set free. “Let me go!”

  “Stop and think for once. Do you realize what could happen to you if you were discovered?” Jeremiah continued to whisper. “Do you have any idea what those men could do to you before they dumped you at some camp?”

  “They are soldiers! They would defend my honor as they defend the Union!”

  “Are you such an infant?” he barked before lowering his voice again, his anger flaring hotter. “Very few, if any, would remember anything about honor when presented with you on a plate.”

  To Jayne’s surprise he pulled her tighter to him, and again she was filled with a strange longing. She stared up at him as his voice grew rougher, and one of his hands released her shoulder and cupped her head, his other hand returning to her waist, his breath mingling with hers. “To men without female companionship, your messed up hair and baggy clothes just mean you are a vagrant and free game to whoever comes along!” His lips were mere inches away from hers, causing her to lift her face, unknown desires making her quiver as she unconsciously pressed a little closer. With a violent shudder, he pushed her body away, his hands capturing hold of her arms as he shook her.

  “And what about the barge captains and the deck hands?” he snarled. “Before you ever saw Kingston, they would do what they want, and when they finished with you, they’d pitch your lifeless body into the canal!”

  Without another word, Jeremiah released her arms and grabbed her hand. Her pleas to be released from his fierce hold were ignored as he began hauling her up the path toward her home. Her cry of pain as her bare feet hit the rocks caused Jeremiah to stop only long enough to scoop her up. Silently, he carried her the remainder of the way. The pounding of his heart in her ear as she leaned her head against his chest made Jayne breathless by the time they reached her parents’ house.

  His sharp raps upon the wooden door brought Jayne's mother to the entrance. She stood before them, her sleep cap askew and her cloak tightly wrapped around her bedclothes held by one hand, a lit candle held high in the other.

  “Who . . .?” She looked from the minister’s set features to the crumbling ragamuffin he still held onto. It only took a second for recognition to take place. “Jayne? Oh, Jayne! W-what have you done?”

  “Please speak to your daughter,” Jeremiah commanded harshly as he dropped Jayne onto her bleeding feet and pushed her through the door. “This porch baby needs someone to talk some common sense into her, or to give her a spanking!” With one last burning glance at Jayne, Jeremiah released her and stepped away. “I am afraid, ma’m, if she stays in my presence any longer, I may be tempted to do the latter! Good night.” Abruptly turning, Jeremiah stormed back down the moonlit path, leaving the two women staring after him.

  “Jayne, what have you done to yourself?” her mother finally asked, her voice trembling. “What were you going to do? Were you leaving without telling us? Without discussing anything?”

  Ju
st as Jayne opened her mouth, she heard a sound from her room. David Moses always gave a small whimper before he was fully awake, and Jayne glanced toward the room.

  “Jayne, have you nothing to say?” her mother asked, clearly not hearing the child.

  Remorse pierced Jayne’s heart like a sword. Realization and love flooded her as tears filled her eyes. She would have caused this child more pain by abandoning him than the mother he had never known. David Moses only knew Jayne, not Clara. This child was hers.

  David Moses needed her more than anyone else, and the thought of him alone and afraid caused the protective love within Jayne to rise. If anything had happened to him while she’d been gone, it would have been her fault not Clara’s. God had put this child in her care. She now understood Jeremiah’s statement about knowing where his responsibilities lay.

  “Mother, do not fear. I have come to my senses,” Jayne murmured as she turned toward her room. “Reverend Jeremiah Bronson just reminded me of how significant each responsibility is. I know now what is most important to me. We will talk in the morning.”

  Chapter 16

  The “talk” came and went, but the evidence of Jayne’s drastic actions were obvious to anyone who saw her hair. Mary tried trimming it, and Jesse laughed until she cried. Caleb and Jacob, on the other hand, just got angrier that Jayne might have gotten away with joining up while they could not.

  Over the next two days, Jayne tried to convince her parents to not extend another invitation to Sunday dinner to Jeremiah and his daughter. her mother wouldn’t hear of it nor let Jayne stay in her room.

  “We have always hosted the visiting preachers, and we will not stop now. I let you wear that ridiculous bonnet to church, but we are not going to hide. Besides, it is not like he hasn’t seen what you have done.” Jayne's mother shook her head in remorse. “What he must think of this family!”

  “I think his opinion is very high of you and father and everyone else on the homestead. The only one he has a low opinion of is me,” Jayne cried. “Please, Mother—”

  “No, Jayne.” Her mother handed her a stack of dishes. “They’re invited to this meal, and we will welcome them. You can be embarrassed afterwards.”

  Promptly at six, Jeremiah and his daughter stood at the front door, which her mother sent Jayne to answer. He looked at her silently before giving her a civil nod of greeting, a brief smile touching his lips. Hope, on the other hand, had all the boldness of the inquisitive child that she was.

  “Ooh! You cut your hair really, really short!” Hope tugged on Jayne’s apron. “Let me see! Let me see!”

  Her cheeks flaming from mortification, Jayne crouched down to the child’s height and let Hope run her tiny fingers through Jayne’s short golden-red locks.

  “Hope.” Jeremiah began to reach for his daughter, but Jayne waved him away.

  “Looks funny, doesn’t it?” Jayne laughed softly. “This is one reason your daddy probably tells you to be really, really careful with scissors.”

  “I don’t think it looks funny, Miss Jayne. I think it looks beautiful!” Hope continued to muss up Jayne’s hair as she turned her gaze up at her father. “Oh, Daddy, can you cut my hair like Miss Jayne’s? Then you won’t have to grumble about knots and tangles anymore!”

  “I think your daddy likes your long hair, even if he grumbles sometimes,” Jayne responded quickly.

  “Do you, Daddy?” Hope asked innocently. “Do you really like my long hair? Don’t you think Miss Jayne looks beautiful?”

  Silence reigned a moment as Jeremiah’s glance slid across Jayne’s face and her wildly tossed hair. “Miss Jayne is always beautiful.” Jeremiah laughed huskily as he picked up his daughter. “Let us not keep the rest of her family from meeting you. I believe there is a little boy who might wish to greet you.”

  Jayne stood up and hastily ran her fingers through her shorn locks in an attempt to put them into some semblance of order. With face averted, she led Jeremiah and his daughter into the parlor as she bit her lip to keep herself from responding negatively to the preacher’s compliment. She knew his statement was just a polite platitude to end the child’s discussion on Jayne’s appearance. The swiftness in which he changed his daughter’s focus clearly showed Jayne his true feelings.

  Her parents and Jeremiah shook hands and chatted. When David Moses was brought into the room by Jesse, he did not seem to notice his aunt’s discomfort and waved his chubby arms, his jumbled words a happy response to Jeremiah and little Hope’s presence. Hope squealed in delight when David Moses waddled over to her. So engrossed were the two with each other that when Jesse led the children to the kitchen for their supper, neither one bothered to look back.

  “You have a beautiful daughter, Mr. Bronson,” Jayne's father commented as he led the adults to the dining area where they would be eating. “You must be very happy to have her with you. Especially now.”

  Jayne took the chance and glanced up into Jeremiah’s golden-hazel eyes. For a moment, his eyes darkened with some sentiment Jayne could not identify. She could only guess the man was thinking of his deceased wife, and Jayne inwardly cringed as she remembered the thoughtless words she had uttered a few nights prior. She wondered if Jeremiah could be thinking of her words, as well as her crazy behavior, especially her response to his kiss, or rather, his “almost” kiss. The way he had pushed her away told Jayne the truth she could not fail to recognize. As if aware that Jayne was studying him, Jeremiah looked away, his emotions hidden from her view.

  “Yes, I was fortunate Hope was away from all that is going on in the South. I had sent her to live with her maternal grandmother in Pennsylvania when my wife and I became ill. Unfortunately, Grandmother Leah passed away last week.” Jeremiah sighed. “The child has seen too much death.”

  “Then we pray that here in the North she will enjoy life and safety.”

  “That is my desire,” Jeremiah murmured as he sat across from Jayne at the table. “But there are things I must consider, I’m afraid, before that desire is fulfilled.”

  “If we can be of any assistance, Reverend, please let us know,” Jayne's mother stated softly. “We all will help in any way we can. Won’t we, Jayne?”

  “O-of course,” Jayne stammered when all eyes turned to her for affirmation. “Whatever we can do.”

  “Thank you for such encouragement. And please, call me Jeremiah. I am only Reverend when I am serving as pastor.” Jeremiah smiled at them, his glance seemingly lingering a little longer on Jayne than she would prefer. “When dinner is over, I would like to discuss an idea I have, but right now the smell of the delicious food is rightly calling for God’s blessings and our appetites.”

  So confused were Jayne’s thoughts and emotions that she wanted desperately to excuse herself from the table as her head began to throb. For all the discomfort Jayne was feeling throughout the rest of the meal, everyone else seemed to be enjoying one another’s company. Whatever Jeremiah’s idea was, Jayne knew it concerned her. Did he not tell her he wished to speak with her on Sunday afternoon? As she sat in silence, eating, she mulled over the events of the past few days and wondered if Jeremiah had changed his mind about whatever he’d originally wanted to talk to her about. On Sunday, he had been ready to talk only to her. Now he was speaking with her parents. Clearly there was a change, and Jayne knew her behavior the other night was the cause. Her only problem was she didn’t know if she should be happy about it or not.

  After dinner, Jayne and her mother left the men in the dining area and went to prepare David Moses for bed. Hope chatted happily as the boy was bathed and dressed in his nightshirt and was tucked into bed. Jayne, seeing the tired eyes of the little girl, suggested she snuggle under the covers of Jayne’s bed while Jayne read a Scripture and said prayers. Within moments, both children were sound asleep, and Jayne breathed a kiss on both of their foreheads before she and her mo
ther slipped out the door.

  “You make a very good mother, Jayne,” her mother touched her gently on her cheek. “I am very proud of you.”

  “I learned from the best.” Jayne smiled in return. “You taught me all I needed to know when it comes to mothering.”

  “And I never knew my own mother, so what I learned came from watching Hannah.” her mother shook her head slowly. “To think she never had a child of her own.”

  “I guess love doesn’t need blood ties,” Jayne murmured as they entered the quiet dining room.

  Both men sat there looking at each other, not saying a word. Jayne and her mother gazed at both of them inquisitively before her mother spoke up. “Gentlemen? Is everything all right?”

  With a start, Jeremiah glanced around at them before jumping to his feet. A smile came to his lips as he answered. “Everything is fine, Mrs. van Hoyton. I really should get my daughter and be leaving. I have an early appointment tomorrow before I go back to take care of my father’s livestock.”

  “Your daughter is asleep in my bed, Reverend . . . I mean Jeremiah.” Jayne liked the sound of his name on her lips. “If you have an early appointment, why not leave the child here until after you finish whatever business you must attend to tomorrow? Hope will be no problem, I am sure. I know David Moses will be happy to see his new friend again when he awakens.”

  Jeremiah stared silently at Jayne before throwing a questioning look toward her father. Jayne saw the expressions on both men’s faces and pondered what was being silently expressed between them. The slight nod of approval her father gave caused Jeremiah’s smile to broaden.