by Emily Mayer
"So who the hell knows?" Gabe added, throwing his hands up before dropping them back down.
"Oh. Okay."
My mind was scrambling for a way to bow out of this conversation gracefully. I needed some time alone to process this information and overthink every single possible reason she might have called.
"We'll talk to him about King. I promise, Evie. Jack just needs some space right now,” Cole said. Gabe grunted next to him.
"Okay." I shook my head trying to knock loose some actual words. "I understand. I think it's a good plan. Waiting to talk to Jack until he has some time to process the phone call, I mean."
We stood looking at each other for a few seconds. No one seemed to know what to say next. Finally, Cole—sweet, reliable Cole—broke the awkward silence.
"We need to head out and move some cows, but we'll come up with a plan later. You going to take Photo out this morning?"
"Yep! I was going to head over there now,” I said, thankful for a reason to make my escape, and for an excuse to be alone. Jack was definitely not the only one who had some processing to do.
26.
With some final words of advice about my first solo ride with Photo, Gabe and Cole headed to the paddock where their horses were waiting, and I made my way to the barn where Photo was waiting for me. I stopped in the tack room to gather her gear before making my way to her stall.
"Hey, Photo, how would you feel about a little exercise this morning?"
Photo turned to look at me and gave me what I chose to believe was a head nod. I slipped on her bridle and led her out of the stall. Her warm breath hit my neck, making me laugh. I stroked her nose affectionately.
"We got this, huh? Just a couple of independent ladies today."
She nudged me gently with her nose, which I took as a sign of encouragement. I hooked her up to the wall leads and went through my pre-ride checklist. Once I was convinced everything was on right and her girth was tight enough, I led her out to the little dirt arena we used for lessons. I stepped onto the mounting block and took a deep breath before lifting myself up and onto Photo in one swift movement. My smile was so wide it felt like it might split my face in two. I did it! Photo was still wearing her saddle, and I was not on the ground! I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around Photo's neck.
"Thank you for being so great!" I said into her mane, thinking about how much I loved her and how much I loved this.
We went through all the skills I had learned: walk, trot, and canter. I felt my smile stretch wide again as Photo cantered around the ring smoothly. At first, I had been nervous every time I asked Photo to canter. It was fast and had felt a little wild for me, but it was my absolute favorite now. I loved the speed and feeling the cold wind rushing against us.
My thoughts drifted toward Jack and the phone call as I rode. My list of questions and what-ifs grew with each lap. What if she wanted to get back together with him? What if he wanted to get back together with her? Why did they break up in the first place? And the question that kept pushing its way to the front—did he still love her?
One question I didn't have to ask was why I was so bothered by the phone call. I was jealous, or some weird relative of jealousy. I felt a little bit like middle-school Evelyn, without the braces and frizz-control shampoo. I knew I had absolutely no right to be jealous. I knew it was stupid. And I knew, I knew, this crush that was more than a crush was so stupid. There was no way I wasn't setting myself up for disappointment. All those old insecurities about my appearance started weaseling their way back to the surface. I chastised myself, dismounting.
"I really am reverting back to middle-school Evelyn,” I said to Photo, slipping the reins over her head and walking us out of the arena.
After Photo was brushed and settled back in her stall happily munching on an apple, I made my way back to the tack room. My steps were wobbly under the weight of the saddle. The post-ride stiffness wasn’t as bad as it had been after my first few lessons, but I still felt a little unsteady when my feet hit the ground. After I had put everything back in its place, I sat down on a small pile of straw that had been stacked just outside of the tack room.
I pulled out my phone, letting my finger hover over the screen before tapping out a single sentence.
Me: Leigh called Jack this morning.
My phone dinged with an incoming message almost immediately.
Elise: WHAT?! Tell me everything.
I sighed as if she were in the barn with me and not multiple states away.
Me: I don't know anything and I HATE it. What if she realizes she made a huge mistake and wants to get back together? What if he still loves her?
Elise: Whoa, that was serious death spiral action, Evie.
Corinne: Yeah, maybe she just found a box of his CDs and wanted to return them?
Me: Nobody uses CDs anymore! Who is using CDs?
Corinne: I don't know! It was the first thing that came into my head!
Elise: So, are we just breezing past the fact that you aren't in denial about liking Jack anymore? This is a thing now.
Corinne: Awwww but Evie in denial is my favorite Evie!
Me: All right, yes, I admit it. I have a stupid, stupid crush on Jack and it is the worst. It's turning me into middle-school Evelyn without the braces.
Elise: Have you suddenly started wearing unicorn everything again?
Corinne: OMG yes! I forgot about the unicorn obsession! Do you remember the pink unicorn stirrup pants? So many bright colors!
Elise: LOL! What was that book series you were crazy about?
Me: First of all, they weren't unicor… you know what, never mind. Remind me why I still talk to you two?
Corinne: We’re related. You have no choice.
Elise: You just need to put on your lady pants and ask him what she wanted.
Me: I can’t do that! He doesn’t owe me an explanation. We aren't dating and we never will be, so he can talk to anyone about anything.
Corinne: He’s your friend and it’s totally acceptable to ask your friend why they are upset. And why are you so sure you two will never date?
Elise: I have a feeling it’s about to get real middle-school Evie up in here.
Me: Calm down. I know I’m not covered in warts. Jack and I are just in totally different leagues. He would never date someone who looks like me. That's just how real life works.
Elise: You are literally the dumbest smart person I know. Yes, you’re shorter than the average human but who cares? You have the wavy hair people pay tons of money for at hair salons and, news flash, not everyone wants to date a twig.
Corinne: Yes to all of that. You have the prettiest green eyes ever. They are so unique! And your freckles are adorable. Plus, you’re super smart and thoughtful. Oh god, I’m crying now. These hormones!
Me: Thanks for the pep talk but Jack and I just don't work. Even if you can get past the looks situation, his life is in Montana and mine’s in Chicago.
Corinne: We're back to this again? You breaking up with him in your head before you even start dating? Newsflash, Evie, you can't plan everything. Plans are great unless you’re so determined to stick to them that you start missing out on all the great things that fall at your feet along the way. Does that sound familiar? BECAUSE IT SHOULD!
I lay back on the hay with a huff. I could almost hear Corinne hurling those words at me, hands moving around for emphasis. If anyone knew what it was like to have plans blow up in their face, it was me. This wasn't about making a plan and sticking to it, though. This was about being realistic. I could feel random pieces of straw poking me in the back and in my head. I shuffled forward trying to get more comfortable, my legs hanging off the end at the knee. Why did the movies always make lying on hay look so great? Sharp edges were poking me everywhere. I adjusted my position again, grumbling to myself a little about unrealistic expectations.
"What am I watching here?"
Jack's voice, deep and slightly amused, echoed through the space. I shot upright, face pink an
d eyes wide. I was startled and more than a little embarrassed.
"Jack, hey, hi!"
I watched him walk toward me, a pair of gloves tucked into his back pocket and his red hat on his head. My eyes scanned his face, looking for signs of stress or sadness or whatever had been there this morning. I had a sudden flash of anxiety that the Jack who had taken me to get boots and sat with me on the porch swing had been replaced by the old Jack.
"What are you doing?" he asked, taking a seat next to me on the stack of hay.
"Oh, uh, I was trying to get comfortable. You always see people lying on hay in the movies or TV, you know, but it's actually super uncomfortable. Hay is sharp and it pokes you everywhere. I can’t believe people used to use this stuff in mattresses."
My eyes slipped from his face to pick at the straw. I was pretty sure my rambling gave away my nerves.
"Right. Why were you trying to lay on it?" His voice sounded curious, maybe a little amused.
"I don't know. I just put Photo's saddle back and sat down to talk to my sisters. I guess I was going to lie down and think about things. I don't really have a good reason. I just like it out here." I wrinkled my nose trying to come up with a reason to explain why I had decided to lie on the hay in the first place.
He turned to look at me, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"You took Photo out by yourself?"
I think I would have been wary of answering that question after the whole ‘city girl’ conversation if Jack hadn't been wearing that small smile. I returned his smile with a wide one of my own, nodding my head, more than a little pleased that I had taken Photo out by myself and relieved that he wasn't going to linger on the hay-laying thing.
"I did! I got her tack on all by myself, and then practiced all my new moves. I even managed to mount her on my first try."
"I—" Jack began, but Cole's voice interrupted, followed by a high-pitched squeal.
"There you two are."
"Uncle Jack!" Letty appeared from behind her dad's legs and rushed toward Jack. He hopped down to wrap her in a hug before swinging her around. I moved to stand next to Cole, who was watching the little girl laugh with a smile on his face.
"Nice move,” I said quietly, giving him a small smile. "Bringing Letty."
"I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Cole said, keeping his eyes forward. "But if I did, I’d say it was pretty genius but would have to give the credit to Margot."
Jack was obediently following Letty to go look at her pony, so Cole and I turned to head out of the barn. We totally just left a small child alone to deal with whatever grown-up problem Jack was struggling with. No shame in our game. It wasn't until we were walking through the front door that I noticed Cole had changed clothes from this morning.
"Wow, you look nice! What’s happening? You don't normally get this dressed up for lunch,” I said, taking in his clean-shaven face and slightly styled hair.
"It’s part two of Margot's plan."
"That's not cryptic at all,” I said, turning into the kitchen where Margot was helping Mary.
"Mission accomplished,” Cole said, walking over to her and giving her a quick kiss on the head.
"I told you this was a great idea! Hey, Evelyn, how are you feeling?" Margot turned her smile in my direction.
"Much better, thanks. I think Mary's chicken soup cured me."
Mary laughed. "I'll have to make you some more then, just in case. Gabe snuck the rest home with him this afternoon,” she said, taking the cutting board away from Margot. "Go sit down, Margot. Everything else is ready to go into the oven."
"I thought everyone could use a night out, and it just so happens that the Shepards are having their fall bonfire tonight. Mary and Dad are going to watch Letty, so I’m not taking no for an answer. From anyone,” Margot said, taking a seat at the table. I didn’t need to ask who ‘anyone’ meant, so I kept my mouth shut as I made my way to the sink to wash my hands.
My unofficial mealtime duties had been limited to tasks that didn’t involve actually touching any of the food. I was pretty sure Mary had thrown in the towel after I massacred her tomatoes on the cutting board. There’s a difference between chopped and diced; who knew? Not me. In my defense, I had warned everyone that cooking and I did not mix. Since then, I’d stuck to dish-related tasks: setting the table, washing, drying. I grabbed the pile of dishes Mary had set out on the island and started placing them around the table.
"So, are you excited?" Margot asked me. Cole rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. Margot responded with a playful nudge of her elbow.
"Excited about what?" I was genuinely puzzled by her question.
Margot gave me the universal face for ‘duh.’
"The bonfire!"
"Oh, sure. Very exciting stuff." I tried to infuse some enthusiasm into my voice, but it just came out sounding squeaky and unnaturally high-pitched. My acting skills were on par with my cooking skills.
"It's going to be fun, I promise." She must have picked up on the doubt in my voice. "And you have a designated driver so no drawing straws."
Her hand dropped down to rest on her slight bump, rubbing it fondly. Jack and Letty walked through the door, followed by Gabe the soup thief, before I had the chance to respond. I opened my mouth to yell at Gabe for taking the rest of the soup but I forgot the words, and the soup, and my own name, as I took in his appearance. He was wearing a pair of tight, tight dark jeans and a dark grey button-down that made his eyes seem unbelievably blue. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to reveal those drool-worthy forearms. I had to force my mouth closed and grip the plates with both hands to keep from fanning myself.
Because Gabe in those clothes was not enough, Letty stepped onto Jack's shoes, stretching her arms up to grab his hands. He walked toward the table, with Letty laughing as her little feet moved with his. I sent a silent prayer out into the universe: Lord Jesus, have mercy on my ovaries.
Margot waited until Jack and Letty were seated at the table before launching her attack.
"Hey, Jack," Margot said, shooting a smile his way. "Guess what? Grandma Mary and Grandpa are babysitting Letty tonight. Letty-Lou, are you excited to have a sleepover with Grandma Mary and Grandpa?"
"Yeah!" Letty bobbed her head enthusiastically.
"Mommy’s excited too, because she gets to spend the night with her friends." Margot turned her attention back to Jack. "We’re going to the Shepard’s bonfire tonight. Me, Cole, Evelyn, Gabe, and you, of course. Ben is even going to try to meet us there."
"Oh, we are?' Jack asked, skepticism lacing his voice.
"Yes, we are. We haven't been able to hang out together in forever! And Evelyn hasn't seen the Pinehaven nightlife yet."
I opened my mouth to point out that Evelyn did not need to see the nightlife, but Jack spoke up before I got the chance.
"Okay." He said the one simple word like he hadn't even considered saying no.
I saw my last hope of avoiding this bonfire drifting away like smoke.
27.
The nervous butterfly that had taken up residence in my belly when Jack agreed to go to the bonfire had turned into an entire flock by the time I left the office a few hours later. I was hoping work would be a good distraction from thinking about the bonfire. Even a nice long shower did nothing to calm my nerves. By the time my hair was dried and resembled something tame, I was repeating affirmations to my reflection in the mirror.
"You can be outgoing. You’re friendly. You made friends with everyone here. This will be fun. You love s'mores."
I pulled on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a deep green V-neck sweater that was somewhat fitted over my chest and then flowed loosely over my hips. Stopping in front of the mirror to give myself one last look before heading downstairs, I had to admit I looked nice. I applied some of the lip gloss Anna and Hilari had helped me pick out, slipping the gloss into my purse before leaving my room.
Laughter drifted down the hallway, acting as a soothing bal
m for my nerves. But I still found myself shifting my mass of hair over one shoulder as I walked into the room, my very own signature nervous move. Jack and Gabe were sitting on the couch with beers in hand while Margot and Cole were snuggled up together on a chair. Margot noticed me first and jumped up to wrap me in a hug.
"Hey, girl, you look great! I don't think I've ever seen your hair down, which is a freaking crime because it's gorgeous."
I tugged the ends of my hair self-consciously, feeling my cheeks heat at the compliment. I kept my eyes fixed on Margot, not brave enough to seek out the other occupants of the room just yet. Not ‘others,’ if I was being honest. Just Jack. I wasn't sure what I would find when I did, but I knew what I wanted to see written on his face.
"That's because it's a total menace. I didn't mean to make you guys wait on me."
"It's all good, Evie. We had to wait on pretty boy over here to finish getting ready, too." Gabe pointed to Jack with his beer. "He didn't turn out as good as you did, though."
I laughed as Jack shook his head at Gabe, and used the distraction to take in Jack's appearance. My heart leapt in my chest as my gaze moved from that clean-shaven jaw to a blue and grey checkered flannel that pulled across those perfectly sculpted arms, then drifted lower to those jean-clad legs that didn't deserve to belong in this world.
I tried to swallow around a throat that was suddenly completely dry. Margot clapped her hands together, saving me from having to use my poor fried brain cells to think of something clever to say.
"All right, kids, are we ready to do this?"
Everyone rose obediently from their spots and followed Margot down the hall. She was clearly a woman on a mission. The guys dropped their beers in the kitchen while Margot and I pulled on our shoes at the door.
"So, Jack cleans up pretty good, right?" Margot said casually as she pulled on her second shoe. Her question made me lose my balance, sending me slumping into the wall.
"Ah… what… he… sure." I cleared my throat. "Yeah, he looks nice."
Margot was looking at me with a grin that I did not like at all. I narrowed my eyes at her. "Margot—"
