The Other Name

by Jon Fosse

  That was a cautious kiss, she says

  and he puts his hand over her hair, but off it, so to speak, without touching her hair, and then they put their arms around each other and hold each other tight and he puts his hand on her hair and starts to stroke her long dark hair, up and down, and she rests her head on his shoulder and I see them standing there, not moving, they’re like a picture, like one of those pictures I’ll never forget, a picture I’ll paint, I need to paint them close to me and paint them away, I need to paint them close and paint them away just the way they’re standing there now, I think, because now it’s like a light is coming from them, standing there so close together, as if they were one, standing as if two people were one, yes they’re so close as it gets dark and the darkness falls over them like snow, a darkness somehow like snowflake after snowflake yet also like one darkness, one undivided darkness, not bits of darkness but one snowing darkness, and the darker it gets the more light is coming from them, yes, a kind of light is coming off them, I can see it, even if the light is maybe invisible it’s still visible, because light can come from people too, especially from eyes, mostly in glimmers, an invisible shining light, but from these two comes a silent even light always the same and never changing, it’s like the two of them standing there are one light, yes, that’s what the light coming from them is like, one light, I think and he realizes that she’s almost all light, at least that’s how she seems to him right now, he thinks, standing there, but how stupid is that? he’s standing here holding a flesh and blood woman and he’s thinking that she’s light, it’s not a good idea to think things like that, he thinks, and sure he’s never been all that smart but that’s how it feels, like he’s holding a light in his arms, that’s strange, he thinks, and the fact that he’s thinking something like that as they stand here with their arms around each other, she holding him, he holding her, no, it’s too stupid, thinking that, he thinks, it’s downright unmanly, he thinks, because she’s not pure light, she’s a flesh and blood woman and shaped like a flesh and blood woman, she’s not light, no, she’s a woman, she’s his girlfriend, not made of light, he thinks and I see them let go of each other and then they move a little ways apart and I see the darkness move a little ways off from them and now they’re standing there as if cut out of the darkness, they’re standing a little apart from each other, and they look a bit tired and he thinks he can’t think she’s light, what a stupid thing to think, he thinks, thoughts like that are big and empty, he thinks and he takes her hand and then they go over to the see-saw and they let go of each other’s hand and she sits on one side, sits almost all the way on the ground, the ground with its tufts of grass on the grey dirt, and then he goes and pulls the see-saw down a little and she helps with her feet and he raises one foot over the board and puts it down on the ground and then sits on the see-saw and then the see-saw starts to sink down to the ground on his side and she pulls in her feet and then she’s up in the air

  It was nice being up on that swing, it’s been a long time, she says

  I feel like we’re children again, he says

  We’re making each other like children again, she says

  I’m like a little girl again, either I’m soaring and moving on the swing, or hanging in the air, like now, she says

  Every child likes being up in the air, she says

  And every grown-up child, he says

  Yes maybe, she says

  We do anyway, he says

  We do now, anyway, he says

  But now we’re saying such dumb things, she says

  I’m almost embarrassed, she says

  and then he kicks off and goes up in the air and she sinks to the ground and then she kicks off and goes up in the air and he sinks down to the ground

  Everyone likes being up in the air, he says

  and he reaches the ground and kicks off

  Regular movements, he says

  and she sinks to the ground and reaches the ground and then kicks off

  Like breathing, he says

  and he sinks to the ground and he kicks off

  And like heartbeats, she says

  and she sinks to the ground and she kicks off

  Being in the same movement, he says

  and he sinks to the ground and he kicks off

  Being together in the movement, she says

  and she sinks to the ground and she kicks off

  Being the same movement, he says

  and he sinks to the ground and he kicks off

  Like waves, she says

  and she sinks to the ground and she kicks off

  Like waves in the same sea, she says

  and he sinks to the ground and he kicks off

  Like us together, she says

  and she sinks to the ground and she kicks off

  Like you and me, he says

  and he sinks to the ground and he kicks off

  Like us, she says

  and she sinks to the ground and she kicks off and he lets it happen and lets his weight tilt the see-saw down and he’s sitting astride the seat with his feet on the ground while she and her feet are hanging free in the air

  That’s how it’ll be, she says

  Like this, he says

  and then he kicks off with his feet and she sinks down and her feet touch the ground

  And like that too, she says

  and she kicks off

  Like that too, he says

  and they stay like that, he on the ground, she up in the air

  When you were little, she says

  Yes, he says

  When you lived there, over the summer, on summer holidays, in a little brick house, grey brick, she says

  You just told me about that, she says

  Yes, he says

  But you grew up on the little farm, and you had a boathouse and a rowboat there? she says

  Yes, he says

  And your parents still live there? she says

  Yes, he says

  And an orchard? she says

  Yes, yes I told you, he says

  You did, she says

  Yes, several times, he says

  and then they’re sitting and not saying anything

  Why are you asking about that again? he says

  I don’t know, she says

  No, he says

  Couldn’t we go there sometime soon? she says

  and he doesn’t say anything

  Visit your parents? she says

  Don’t you want to? she says

  Yeah, he says

  and he hesitates as if he doesn’t want to talk about it

  You don’t want to? she says

  But we can go anyway, he says

  It’s nice there in Barmen, he says

  And the farm is nice, it’s on Horda Fjord, and it’s nice being out on the boat in the fjord, he says

  Yes you’ve told me that, she says

  That you really like being out on the water, she says

  Yes, I’ve always liked that, he says

  and then it’s quiet, they’re just sitting there

  But we have to go there at least once, she says

  And it’d be nice to see your parents, she says

  I don’t see them much any more, he says

  No, you and your mother, she says

  and she breaks off

  We won’t talk about that, he says

  and again neither one says anything, and they sit like that for a long time and I think why are they just sitting there? it’s like they’re frozen in place, it looks like they’re both looking away from each other, keeping their eyes fixed on something next to them, and for them to just sit quietly like that, for so long, yes, how can they do that, I think and then she looks at him

  Do you think we should leave? she says

  and he doesn’t say anything and she asks if he’s going to be painting again tomorrow and he says he probably will, yes, tomorrow the same as every other day, yes, since he was maybe twelve years old, somewhere aro
und there anyway, there hasn’t been a single day when he didn’t either paint or draw, it just happens by itself, that’s how it is, like it’s him in a way, painting is like a continuation of himself, he says, and he stops himself and says no that’s too much, way too much, really painting is just something he does, every day, true, it’s an old habit you might say, he says, and she says well then that’s how it is and she sounds a little sulky I think, her voice makes it seem like she doesn’t entirely like what he’s saying, and he says that the painting he’s in the middle of at the moment might turn out to be really good but it’s so hard to get it right, he has to be so careful, it only takes the tiniest thing to have done too much on it and then the whole picture can be ruined and it’ll be impossible to find his way back to what was good in the picture, to what the picture was trying to say, or however you’d describe it, actually it can’t be described, because a picture says something and doesn’t say it at the same time, it speaks silently, yes, or more like it shows something that can’t be said, he says and I think no, I’ve really got to be getting home now, it’s late now and it’s time to get moving, keep driving, I think and then she says it’s even darker now, maybe they should go home soon? she says and he says yes they really should and he asks if she liked flying through the air and she says yes, she had a great view, even though it was so dark by then, a better view than the one she has sitting down anyway, she says, and that, the fact that she sees better than him, is an old story, let him paint as much as he wants yes she sees better than he does whether it’s light out or dark out, she sees especially well, as for him he doesn’t see anything but this or that picture, this or that thing right in front of his nose, she says, and then suddenly he pushes off, as if he’s angry or something, I think, and she sinks down to the ground and she screams, a long low scream, and he lifts one foot off the ground and stands up and gets off the see-saw while slowly lowering the see-saw with his hand and then she’s sitting safe on the ground and he walks around to her and holds out his hand to her and she takes his hand and she gets up and then they just stand there and I think now I’ve really got to be getting home, it’ll be totally dark soon, and then I sit and look at the playground where a young woman and a young man are hanging around playing, like children, and by now it’s so dark that I can only just make them out, or is all of this just me seeing things? this isn’t all in my mind, is it? am I just imagining that they’re there? no, of course not, I saw them, I’m seeing them now, I think, definitely, and maybe I should get out and stretch my legs? get a little fresh air? go down to the playground too? I think, but a person can’t just do something like that, can he? if I do do it I have to do it before it gets too dark, I think, and it’s probably not all that strange for a person to get out of his car and take a little walk? go down a little path to a playground and walk past it, leave the road and go down past a playground and up a hill on the other side, I see the hill, and obviously I don’t need to go into the playground, just walk past it, yes, right now either I need to drive home or I need to get out of the car and stretch my legs, I think and I get out of the car and I look around, the mountain rises up gently on the other side of the road before getting steeper and rising up sharply, and there, up at the top, I see the sky, and the stars are out, shining weakly, and then there’s the road, a narrow country road running along the base of the mountain, and then a hill leads gently down towards the playground and there’s a little path down the hill from the turnoff to the playground and it goes past the playground and continues uphill to the top of another hill behind the playground and that’s strange, I’ve never noticed that before, this path down to the playground and then continuing up a hill behind the playground, I think, and then I’m standing there looking down at the playground and I see him and her standing there in the darkness, they’re barely visible, but I can see that they’re standing without moving, holding hands, and it was a good idea to get out of the car and get a little fresh air, I think and I feel how nice the cool air is, I sort of revive a little and of course I’m as free as anyone else to take an ordinary little stroll, I think, yes, of course, but I always tend to think I’m not allowed to do things, that’s why I always do the same things over and over, I think and I start walking towards the path and I start down it past the playground and I look at the two people there in the playground and they must not have noticed me as they stand there holding each other, they’re standing there like they are one, he holding her, she holding him, and neither can be separated from the other, and then they let go of each other and I walk carefully down the path

  It’s already dark, she says

  Yes, it’s autumn now, he says

  Almost winter, she says

  But not quite yet, he says

  Yeah, she says

  Now we’ve done everything but play in the sandpit, he says

  Are you saying we should play in the sandpit? she says

  and her voice sounds a little surprised almost

  Yes, well, why not? she says

  But we’ll get sandy and dirty, he says

  Maybe we shouldn’t? she says

  No, maybe not, he says

  Our clothes’ll get dirty, he says

  and she says they could always take some clothes off and she takes off her jacket and pulls her pullover up over her head and now she’s standing there in just a bra and her purple skirt, can you believe it, standing there almost naked like that, in this cold, I think and then she pulls him over to the sandpit and I walk slowly, step by step, down the path and I think this is unbelievable, I should quietly walk past the playground and up the hill over there, I should see what’s on the other side of the hill, and then I should turn around, it’s time to be getting back home, it won’t be long before it’s totally dark, I think and I try to stop looking at them but I see them bring each other over to the sandpit and then they’re standing next to the sandpit and then she lays out her jacket and pullover on the sand

  Now we’re kids again, she says

  Now we’re doing whatever we want, she says

  Yes, we’re kids, he says

  Naughty kids doing whatever they want, she says

  and she lies down in the sand on her jacket and pullover, she’s lying there in just her bra and purple skirt and her dark hair spreads out and then she says that he needs to take his clothes off too

  No we can’t do this, he says

  Yes we can, she says

  Someone might see us, he says

  It’s almost totally dark, she says

  Come on, she says

  and then she pulls up her purple skirt and tells him to come over, he needs to come over to her now, because it’s cold and he needs to warm her up, she says and he says that’s what he said, it’s too cold to take off any of their clothes, and she says come on, come on, and he says no, no we can’t do this, someone might see us, he says, she needs to put her clothes back on right away, he says and she says that it’s almost totally dark, no one’s coming, no one might see them, come on, come on, just come over here, she says and then he takes off his brown shoulderbag and puts it down next to the sandpit and takes off his long black coat and lays it over her and then he covers the both of them with the coat so that only his coat is visible and, and, no, I have no right to look, to watch this, I think, and is it really happening? or is it all just something I’m dreaming? or is it something that actually happened to me once? isn’t that me, lying there in the sandpit on top of her with my long black coat covering us both? isn’t that exactly what happened to me once? I think, but even so I have no right to watch what’s happening, I think, and I keep walking, quietly, as quietly as I can, I continue slowly down the path and I don’t want them to notice me, I don’t want to bother them, I want them to stay alone in their own world, and now I can just barely see the coat there in the sandpit, or maybe I can’t see the coat? maybe it’s all just something I’m picturing in my mind? no, I think, and I can’t watch, I have no desire to see this and now I need to t
urn around, now, I think, I need to turn around now and go back to my car, because all of this, is it even really happening? or do I just think it’s happening? or remember it happening? is it something that happened to me once? it must have been a long long time ago because I can’t remember it, but isn’t that me lying there in the sandpit under my long black coat? and isn’t that the same coat I wear all the time? my good old long black overcoat? and she, lying under me and under my long black coat that’s covering us? isn’t that me? isn’t that us? I think, isn’t that me sometime in the past? or is this happening now in reality, before my eyes, right there in the playground? I think and I stop and now it’s dark, totally dark, and with a kind of clear-sightedness that lets me see in the darkness I see the two of them lying there in the sandpit and the clear sounds of breathing are coming from the sandpit and I hear them moving with the same regularity, like waves striking land, I hear the regular movements like waves, back and forth, again and again, and everything is one movement, one breath, out and in, hearts beating, two hearts beating against each other in the sandpit, and my own heart is beating, beating, and in a steady movement, like waves against the shore, I walk up to the road and my car, and I hear from the playground movements, waves against the shore, back and forth, and I’m walking in the same movement, step by step, and now I mustn’t turn around and look at them, I think, and I keep going and then I don’t hear the sound of any more movements coming from the sandpit and I look at the young man and now he’s standing in the sandpit with his pants down below his knees but his black coat is still draped over her and he has a bucket in his hand and he fills it up with sand and then pours the sand out all over his coat, over her, he refills and empties the bucket, covering her and the coat with sand, no, impossible, incredible, he really is pouring sand over her as she lies under his coat with a little bucket some kid left behind in the sandpit and, no, I mustn’t watch, now I need to get home to Dylgja because I can’t walk in the dark like this and watch a young man stand next to a young woman lying under his long black coat and empty bucket after bucket of sand over the coat and her, I think, but I can’t take my eyes off the two people in the sandpit and can’t stop seeing him empty bucket after bucket of sand over her and then he finally pulls his pants up and buttons them and then he takes his coat off her and sand sprinkles off his coat and she stands up and tugs at her skirt, picks up her pullover and jacket, shakes out her skirt, brushes the sand off them and he shakes the sand off the long black coat and he puts it on and then drapes the brown leather bag over his shoulder and it looks like he’s ready to leave