The Other Name
Page 9
Yes, well, I say
You won’t come to Sister’s for Christmas this year either? Åsleik says
No, I’ll just stay home, I say
Yes, well, Åsleik says
But you believe in God and I don’t, he says
and I say what I always say, that no one can say anything about God, but it is possible to think that without God nothing would exist, but because God isn’t anything He is separate from the world of created things, where everything has a limit, He is outside time and space, He is something we can’t think, He doesn’t exist, He’s not a thing, in other words He’s nothing, I say, and I say that no thing, no person, creates itself because it’s God who makes it possible for things to exist at all, without God there’s nothing, I say and Åsleik says what’s the point of thinking like that? that’s not something a person can believe in, is it? there’s no point in believing in nothing, is there? and I say that he’s right about that, we agree on that point, we do, but it’s also wrong to say that God is nothing because at the same time He is all, everything all together, because what I think, I say, is that since nothing can exist without God sustaining it, without God having made it exist, given it being, as they put it, then it’s He who is, it’s He that everything has in common, yes, God says about Himself, about what we should call Him, that His name is I AM, I say
Now that I don’t understand, Åsleik says
No, I don’t really understand it either, I say
It’s just something you think? Åsleik says
Yes, I say
and then neither of us says anything and we stand there and look at the floor
You and this faith of yours, Åsleik says
I don’t always understand you, he says
But no one can think their way to God, I say
Because either they can feel that God is near or they can’t, I say
Because God is both a very faraway absence, yes well, being itself, yes, and a very close presence, I say
Maybe it’s like that for you, Åsleik says
But it doesn’t really make sense, he says
and I say no it doesn’t, that’s for sure, it’s a paradox, as they call it, but then again aren’t both he and I paradoxes too just standing here, because how do the soul and the body go together, I say, and Åsleik says yes who can say and then we stand there and neither of us says anything and then I say that the cross is already a paradox, with those two lines that cross, the vertical and the horizontal, as they say, and that Christ, yes, God himself, died and then rose again to conquer death, he who came down to earth when people were separate from God because of what they call original sin, when evil, yes, devils took control of this world, as it says in the Bible, yes, it’s impossible to understand that, I say, and I say that evil, sin, death, all of it came into the world, yes, into the universe, it all exists because God said yes but there was also someone who said no, if you can put it that way, I say, because otherwise there would be neither time nor space, yes, everything that exists in time and space has its opposite, like good and evil, I say, and everything that’s in time and space will someday pass away, in fact most things, almost everything that there’s ever been in time and space is already gone, almost every last thing is outside of time and space, it isn’t anywhere, it just is, the way God isn’t anywhere but just is, so it’s not at all strange that someone can want to leave this earth, get away from what can be found and rest in what just is, in God, as Paul said, yes, something like that, I say and Åsleik says that we’ve talked about this a lot before and we’ll probably talk about it a lot more and I say you’re right and I see Åsleik go over to the picture I have standing on the easel, which is set up in the middle of the room, and unusually for me it’s a rather big canvas and rectangular, and first I painted one line diagonally across almost the whole surface of the picture, a brown line, in very thick drippy oil paint, and then I painted a matching line in purple from the other corner and it crossed the first line in the middle, forming a kind of cross, a St. Andrew’s Cross, I think they call it, and I see Åsleik stand there and look at the picture and I go over to it too and look at it and I see Asle sitting there on his sofa, and he’s shaking and shaking, he’s thinking he can’t even lift his hands, he feels too heavy even to say a word, Asle thinks, and he thinks that the only thought he can think is that he should disappear, go away, he’ll leave and go out and then go out to sea and then he thinks it’s been a long time since he’s walked the dog and I see that the thick oil paint has dripped a bit more, and where the lines cross a totally new colour has formed, more shining than it was when I looked at the picture earlier today, I think and I stand there and look at the painting and I think that really it was because of Asle that I decided so suddenly to drive into Bjørgvin today, I just didn’t realize it, I realized it only when I drove past the building where his apartment is, in Sailor’s Cove, but then I didn’t stop to see him even so, didn’t stop to help him, not when I was driving into Bjørgvin and not when I was driving back out of Bjørgvin either, I think and I think that all my pictures are like that and I think I don’t know what I mean by that, all my pictures are like that? like what? what do I mean by that? because this isn’t a picture yet, it’s just a picture I’ve started on, but in all the pictures I paint there is something this picture reminds me of, however different this one is from all the others I’ve painted, this is what I’m always trying to paint, and when I get a light into the picture, when I get a light to come from the picture, it’s by doing this, I have to go into myself, as deep in as I can, so that I can come back out and go into the picture, I think and I hear Åsleik say now this here looks like something real, I’ve painted a picture that looks like something for once, it looks like some kind of cross, he says and I say that this is something I just started painting today, before I drove into Bjørgvin, and he says why did I start a picture and just paint two lines and then rinse the brushes and put them away and drive into Bjørgvin instead of painting more? he says and I say that it just felt like the right thing to do and Åsleik doesn’t say anything and then he says it just felt right, yes well then it probably was, he says, and I think that now Åsleik’s probably thinking that I’m talking nonsense, I think, but he probably always thinks that about me anyway, I think and then Åsleik says again that he doesn’t understand why I would paint just two lines and then stop, why didn’t I paint anything except those two lines? he says and I say that it’s not so easy to explain and Åsleik says no of course it isn’t, the truth is he’s never really totally understood me, or my pictures, he says and I think that Åsleik has said this so many times and well it’s something nice to talk about over and over, and it’s also boring to talk about it over and over, the same as talking about how God, or in any case some divine force, came down to humankind to give them help in all their despair and need when Jesus Christ came to earth and died and rose again, yes, this unbelievable story, this foolishness that there’s really no way to believe, and I think what I really believe in is the force of this foolishness, the power of thinking this way, I think, and I believe in this and Åsleik doesn’t, but what’s the difference really whether someone believes it or not? there’s no difference, in the strict sense, I think, and I don’t always believe in Jesus Christ as a saviour either, just in God, in God’s presence, yes, in his absence too, yes, I can never doubt that, because it’s reality, not belief
So, you won’t come to Sister’s for Christmas this year either then? Åsleik says
No, I’ll stay home, I say
and I think he keeps asking this over and over, can’t he just stop already, I think
Yes, well, he says
and Åsleik stands there, it’s like he doesn’t want to leave, and he looks at the picture where I’ve painted two lines that cross
You don’t get sick of all this painting? he says
And you, you’re always fishing, you don’t get sick of all that fishing? I say
That’s different, he says
How stupid do you think I am, Åsleik says
and we look at each other
No, you’re not stupid, I say
Well then, he says
Fishing a lot doesn’t make a person stupid, I say
It looks like it’s upside down, he says
Painting a lot is what makes a person stupid, more like, he says
and I can’t argue with that, fishing gives a person a lot more wisdom and understanding than painting does, yes, fishing contains a beautiful truth, I say, because you never know what’s going to happen, whether you’ll catch a fish or not, I say, it all comes down to luck, just like life, I say and Åsleik says I may be right about that but the important thing you need to do to catch fish is go fishing and it’s not blind luck that decides whether or not you go fishing, it’s something you decide to do, fishing is, it’s something you do, a task, a mission, see he can use big words like that too, he says, and when someone undertakes this mission, namely fishing, when he does it for the first time, because one of those times is going to be the first time, there’s always a first time, and later if he does it again and again, yes, you have to admit that too, he’ll end up really knowing how to fish, and where the fish are, and if they’re biting, and he’ll learn the various landmarks and seamarks for various fishing grounds, each has its own qualities, some grounds are good when the tide is rising and some when the tide is falling, not to mention the currents! and how much it depends on the season, the month, the moon, even the week! how much fish you’ll catch, yes, of course that’s not something you can talk about, because it’s obvious, it’s self-evident, Åsleik says, but he emphasizes the word self-evident, and then repeats it, self-evident, yes, it’s self-evident, he says and I say yes it certainly is
So no it’s not all just blind luck, it isn’t, he says
No but in life it’s not all just blind luck either, that’s obvious too, I say
Of course, Åsleik says
and then he looks down at the floor in that way he has and when Åsleik looks down in that way it’s like he isn’t looking down, it’s like he’s looking up, like he’s looking at everything all together, like he’s seeing a big context without being clear about it and then something comes over his face, yes, it’s like he is suddenly falling out of this evil world and into a still and peaceful clearing or clarity, an area of stillness, of light, yes, of shining darkness, because it’s like he’s fallen out of himself, out of where he usually is, like he no longer knows himself, like he’s gone, away from himself, as he stands there looking down with a light that’s like what the sky can give off, together with the clouds, when that’s what the light wants to do, yes, a light like that comes from him, the kind of light that can come from a dog too, from a dog’s eyes, yes, that happens a lot, when I think about it I’ve often seen that strange light coming from a dog’s eyes
So that’s why you drove down to Bjørgvin today? he says
To check in on that friend of yours, the one with your Name? he says
It just suddenly came over you that you should do that? he says
and Åsleik looks down again and I think I didn’t tell him anything about Asle and also I didn’t drive to Bjørgvin to see Asle, it was just something I decided to do, I wasn’t thinking about Asle at all until I drove past the building where his apartment is, but then again maybe I was thinking about him in a way, without realizing it? and I say that that happens sometimes, a picture makes me suddenly decide to do something, but that’s rare, very rare, while most of the time, in fact every time, a picture has something to do with something I’ve seen, something that’s stuck inside me in a way, and that I suddenly see again, yes, it’s like a vision, it’s like I have a huge collection of pictures stored in my head, of pictures I can’t forget, and like I’m trying to get rid of them by painting them, I say and Åsleik says that makes sense and he stays there looking down at the floor and I too bend my head, look down, and we stay standing like that for quite a long time
No, I’ve never amounted to anything, Åsleik says